Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #8! In the previous installment, Ms. Marvel has a run-in with Miles Morales’ Spider-Man at a science fair in New York City while saving an entire room from the after-effects of Bruno’s exploded mini-nuclear reactor! Everyone died horribly, including anyone unfortunate enough to have read the issue.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #8 [August, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson

Medusa and a kid named Ulysses are watching the news report on TV in New Attilan. Ulysses has premonitions, and something big, big, BIG is going to happen…

*trumpet fart*

For a nice little detour, we turn to Bombay in September of 1947. India has gained independence from Britain, and Pakistan has been partitioned in the northwest. Now there’s Muslim and Hindu violence, because religion is cool and good. “The largest human migration in history is underway.”

A man tries to light a fire under his father’s ass, who is the last holdout on leaving. “Don’t you remember what happened yesterday? When the mosque on the next street was burnt to the ground with the imam still inside, it’s time to leave,” says the son, Kareem. Kareem’s father doesn’t want to go to Pakistan. He’s an Indian. Indians and Pakistanis are like oil and a slightly different kind of oil.

Kareem’s wife, Aisha, doesn’t want her baby to grow up thousands of miles away from everything she has ever known. She wants to stay too, but Kareem says “NO!” and slaps her across the face with a fish.

Suddenly, they all see a shooting star as if it were a sign from Allah himself that things are gonna be a-ok! The family sets off on donkey and carriage.

“From the moment she was conceived, I’ve always felt this baby comes from somewhere else, somewhere safe, beyond the falling stars. And now I have a sign.”

Aisha had sold all her jewelry and hid the money inside her wedding bangles. If Kareem gets killed or if he falls in a hole or something, she and the baby will have enough money to continue their lives alone in Karachi. I WONDER IF THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS!

*opening credits*

*Full House theme song*

*Danny Tanner*

In the present day, which could either be the year 2016 or the year 4501 depending on when you’re reading this, Ms. Marvel finds herself on a space station in low Earth orbit! She snaps on some bangles that may or may not be wedding bangles and goggles at the station. She’s going to visit Captain Marvel! Like, wow!

No more losing lottery tickets!

Pleasantries are exchanged, yada yada yada. Brass tacks time. Captain Marvel asks the young Ms. if she knows who Ulysses is. The young Inhuman that Medusa found. He’s not really magical with clairvoyance and fortune-telling, he’s more like a mathematician who can calculate the likelihood of future events to within a fraction of a percent. So, like, same thing, bruh. “He’s an opportunity. An opportunity for us to fight crime without violence. To stop tragedies before they happen. Imagine how life could change… how our lives could change.” Captain Marvel gets misty in the ol’ eyes.

But some people have concerns, even Avengers. Detaining people before they even commit crimes? Um, excuse me, but this is fucking America. But hey, Captain Marvel says it’s ok, so who is Ms. Marvel to complain? Some nerd from Jersey City, that’s who.

Captain Marvel asks her young ward for a favor. She shows Ms. Marvel a file on the computer of some freckle face named Becky St. Jude, who has put together a team of volunteers who are eager to put Ulysses’ power to good use. They’ll need supervision. A liaison between them and the actual important people, like the real Avengers. How would you like to play middle-man, kiddo?

Ms. Marvel is thrilled! “I will do what you ask,” she says, posing self-importantly. “With honor, commitment, courage, and all the other stuff.” Captain Marvel all but yawns.

Later that day, at Liberty State Park, Becky is there with a team of arrogant-looking whipper-snappers! Ms. Marvel, we would like you to meet Jonah, who studies criminal justice at Rutgers (boo), Heather, who studies information security systems (hiss), and Marco, who is lactose intolerant (yum).

Becky is excited to start working with a real life in-the-flesh superhero! First thing’s first: Jersey City. Like, oh my god! It’s going to be exciting to test this shit out in a city with an extremely high crime rate! Whoops, she didn’t mean it that way! She meant, she wants to make a difference in the city! LOL! Off to the right foot already with Ms. Marvel, that’s for sure.

Enjoy it while it lasts. You’re going to be dead weight in this team and soon you’ll be sadly jerkin’ it in your room while playing MMORPGs, effectively quitting the superhero game forever.

In only a few hours, Becky gets her first tip from Ulysses. Hijinx, the leader of the Canadian Ninja Syndicate, is going to drive a stolen tank through downtown Jersey City! Time to waterboard him before he even steps out of his house. “If we don’t stop him, in 17 minutes, the tank’s auto-destruct sequence will kick in, and it will explode.”

They wait in a dark alley for Hijinx to show his ugly, pockmarked face. And, lo’, a very Candian tank scoots along down the street. “Well, that was punctual!” Ms. Marvel smiles as she and the rest of the clan run after it.

Hijinx stops dead in his tracks, pops out of the tank, and starts throwing crystal ninja stars behind him. “Get off my tail you military-industrialist southern flunkies!”

Ms. Marvel becomes 50 feet tall and scary looking. She plucks Hijinx right out of his tank with her fingers, and the tank crashes into a building. She sets him down gingerly and asks if he’s ok. “What does it matter,” Hijinx sniffs. “My beautiful machine is scrap metal now.”

They tell the wretch that they’re detaining him until the dangers of the exploding tank have passed. Hijinx is like “HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT THE EXPLODING PART, HUUHUUHNGJUHUGHJUBUJ”. He’s not happy. This shit is bananas, and it ain’t fair. At least give him a chance to do a few murders before he gets turned into the cops, doggone it.

Pack it up, fellow do-gooders! Crime is now extinct! Let’s celebrate with a round of Lunchables!

Ms. Marvel and Co.’s crime-stopping spree is covered on the local news that night. Tyesha, Aamir’s wife, walks into the kitchen to find Kamala slumped over the table. “If they prosecute this Hijinx guy for something he might have done with that tank, we’ll have to redefine what we call crime,” Tyesha says, throwing her grimy two cents in. It’s like, shut up, please.

But no, she has a point. Where Tyesha grew up, cops would throw kids in jail for standing on the street funny. “You’re smarter than this, Kamala,” she says after Kamala tries to make her case. Well, thanks. Everyone feels great now. Go fuck a duck.

“But Tyesha – this new system – what if it saves lives?”

“Whose lives? Did you ever think that maybe the people committing the crimes need saving too?”

Tim Allen would hate this woman.

You’re no match for my oversized handsome fists, puny Earthling!

Anyway, for the next few days it’s the same schtick: Ulysses tips them off, Ms. Marvel and her crew stop a crime that was never even committed. Even as something as pedantic as shoplifting gets met with atomic wedgies and trips to the electric chair.

While Ms. Marvel shakes down a potential criminal, Becky, Jonah, Heather, and Mr. Lactose Intolerance run up the street with haste! “Teenage male, blond, athletic – If we don’t get to the address Ulysses sent me within the next few minutes, Coles Academic High School is going to be vaporized,” Becky says matter-of-factly.

Ms. Marvel books it with the rest of them to 437 Nelson Place. She thinks the address sounds awfully familiar. “I can’t shake the feeling I’ve been here before. For a school thing? A party? A group project? I can’t place it, but… I have the weirdest feeling.”

Ms. Marvel knocks the front door down with an enormous foot, scaring the crap out of the homeowners. “Your son! Where’s his room?” she asks the quivering parents. There’s this nagging feeling like, fuck, it’s going to be someone she knows, isn’t it?

She busts open the bedroom door to find a high school jock sitting at his computer, completely surprised that some costumed girl stomped her way into–

“Josh?” she says.

Final Thoughts

Josh is a jock who is Zoe’s friend, right? I know Josh! And he’s going to vaporize the high school? Josh rules! Give Josh a trophy!