Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #11! In the previous installment, Bruno is in a coma after almost killing himself trying to save Josh. Ms. Marvel beefs with the rest of the Cadets, including that Becky St. Jude cunt who would rather fight Ms. Marvel than be a better person overall!

Bruno’s gonna die, guys! lmao!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #11 [November, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson

Recently, at the Khan household, Ammi brings laundry upstairs and bumps into Bruno. Literally.

“Sorry! I’m so sorry, Ammi! Let me help you with that!”

“Never mind the laundry – why do you have my grandmother’s bangles?”

“Oh! I was gonna ask you about that. Can I – umm — have them?”

“You want to wear my jewelry?”

Suspicious stuff, Bruno ol’ boy. He wants to make something for Kamala, obviously, and he needs these bangles for some reason! Ammi asks Bruno what the fuck is going on. And why Kamala acting weird for the last couple of weeks. Bruno stays tight-lipped, then tells her that he’s not trying to lie. It’s just not his story to tell.

Bruno assures Kamala’s mother that Kamala is in no danger. Not really. Not as such, no. Kind of. Maybe. I think so? Yeah, definitely. Tons, too. Ammi buries her face in her hand and gives up. “Just promise me one thing,” she tells him. “Promise me you’ll always be there to help her. She doesn’t listen to me the way she used to – but she listens to you.” Bruno admits that he’s trying, and that’s part of why he needs the bangles! Sorry I haven’t made many jokes yet. This is all very emotional.

Ammi allows Bruno to have the bangles for now. He tells her that when they first met in 2nd grade, they looked like armor when Kamala was wearing them. He wants to make real armor. Isn’t that sweet?

Now Bruno is in a coma because no one wanted to keep him safe! LMAO!

Bruno’s brother Vick tells Kamala in the hospital that she should go home and get some rest. Kamala is like “No, if my best friend is going to die during surgery then I want a front-and-center seat!” Vick tells her to get the fuck out of the hospital, so she finally does it.

But sleep is not in the cards. “Exhausted as I am, I can’t let this stand,” Kamala says as she pulls on her Ms. Marvel clothes. “Basic Becky can’t be allowed to imprison more people for crimes they haven’t even committed yet. She can’t be allowed to destroy more families. More lives…”

All I need now is some moonshine and a gun fulla bullets! Say bye-bye, Becky!

In short, Ms. Marvel has finally decided to betray Captain Marvel, the person she admires the most on the whole dang planet. And guess what? Captain Marvel is probably going to be all sickeningly proud about it. Just wait. Calling it now.

Later that morning, Hijinx is dancing around on top of cars in the junkyard. “Look at me, planning a big heist! I sure am thinking about a bunch of questionable things! Like possibly vaporizing this lot of old cars!” He’s talking to no one in particular, pointing to a very large, red button on a scary remote-controlled detonator.

BOOM! An armored Becky slams down on top of Hijinx and reads him his Miranda rights! Hijinx calls her “Judge Dredd Barbie” and motions Ms. Marvel over to the scene. “Let Hijinx go,” she squeaks. “You’re gonna have to deal with me instead.”

Hijinx opens the detonator and shows Becky that it’s empty (complete with HA HA! Painted on the inside). Ms. Marvel explains that Hijinx planted fake bombs, throwing Premonition Ulysses the wrong scent in order to lure Becky to the junkyard! Ingenius! So now what? …um…

Oh yeah! This is all to prove how unreliable predictive justice actually is. It can be manipulated to screw over the innocent and entrap people.

“You wanna know what I see going on here?” Becky smiles. “I see Jersey City’s homegrown hero turning traitor.”

Suddenly, a car explodes, and Hijinx admits that he couldn’t go through the afternoon without blowing one thing up.

Girls, girls, let’s just agree to disagree and compromise. Kill the innocents and let the criminals go free. That way everyone sacrifices.

Well, that tears it. Becky loads up an arm cannon and starts shooting lasers in Ms. Marvel’s direction. They fight and talk for a bit, trying to one-up each other with notions like “ethics” and “morals”. This goes on for quite a few panels before Hijinx wants to get involved. “Ninja syndicate! ATTACK!” he yells, and five other individuals dressed like him enter the scene. “TORONTO HARD STYLE: MAPLE LEAF FORMATION!”

Then Becky gets pelted with eggs. “Down with the capitalist police state!” yells Hijinx.

Fuck all this. Captain Marvel shows up and everyone stops. Ms. Marvel had activated her locator pin, and apparently Carol Danvers decided to drop everything she was doing (eating Lunchables) to assist the little twerp. Ms. Marvel fesses up to her ruse. “You teamed with a criminal syndicate to deliberately undermine our mission?” Captain Marvel asks, brows furrowed intimidatingly.

And Ms. Marvel does a whoops: “I had no choice! You weren’t listening! This isn’t fixing anything, Carol! And it’s never gonna bring Rhodey back.”

Apparently, Don “Rhodey” Terrance Howard Cheadle is dead, and Ms. Marvel just opened up an old wound. Captain Marvel declares that she’s relieving Little Ms. of duty and overseeing the Cadets herself. That oughta learn ya. “You’re lucky I don’t hand you over to the FBI for aiding and abetting a criminal syndicate. You haven’t just betrayed your mission – you’ve betrayed your own ethics.”

Ms. Marvel tells Captain to hold the phone, bitch. “If you lock somebody up before they’ve even committed a crime, you make them into a bad guy, even if they weren’t before.”

Oh look, a MAN is coming in to save the day. An IRON man. This alcoholic piece of shit swoops down into the junkyard, at the request of Ms. Marvel, and starts arguing with Captain Marvel about her little project.

“Right about here is where it occurs to me… she is never going to forgive me for this. Never.”

Proving once again that real superheroes don’t wear capes! …except for the ones that wear capes, of course.

Captain Marvel is disappointed in her young charge, but Ms. Marvel stands her ground. And now Captain Marvel is on the defensive. “I’m trying to protect people, too! Predictive justice is about using the resources we’ve discovered to save lives. If you can’t see that then… so be it.”

Becky horns in on the action. She advises Captain Marvel to pick her to lead the Cadets instead! “No,” says Captain Marvel. Get court-martialed, red-headed sack of butts.

Captain Marvel leaves without so much as a goodbye. The cops show up to arrest Becky for impersonating law enforcement and kidnapping. Everyone leaves the scene except for Ms. Marvel and Iron Man. “Canadian ninjas? Really?” he says. “That seemed like a good idea to you?”

*laugh track*

Iron Man offers Ms. Marvel a gyro and fries to hash things out. They walk off into the sunset.

*intermission*

*laugh track*

*awooogah*

Later, Kamala runs back to the hospital after a call from Vick. Bruno is not only breathing on his own, but he’s awake and sitting on the edge of the bed! Huzzah! This calls for a gyro and some fries!

“Bruno, you’re alive!”

“Dang it!”

Well, that looks worse out of context. But I’ll leave it out of context for the ++laughs. Kamala assures the newly-awoken Bruno that she broke up with the Cadets and that, against Captain Marvel’s wishes, is ceasing all predictive justice operations on her watch! How does that sound, Bruno? Bruno?

*Bruno word-salads and then pukes up a liter of blood*

“STOP IT!” he finally yells to Kamala’s sheer surprise. “This isn’t about you! I have to relearn how to walk, Kamala.”

lol

Also, no school is going to give out scholarships to a kid who blew up a building! That sounds like his own fucking fault to me, but hey, I’m not the one making bad choices here. Heh heh. *closes browser window*

Narcissistic much, Bruno? Don’t you think you’re being a tad bit selfish?

Kamala cries as Bruno tells her that he doesn’t want anything from her. “And when I tried to tell you how crazy the Cadets were getting, you wouldn’t listen. The only thing that mattered to you was taking orders from Captain Marvel. Nothing else mattered. Your friends didn’t matter.”

Tough talk, man. This is also the time to drop this bombshell: “I’m leaving. The only chance I’ve got at a future is Golden City Polytechnic Prep. In Wakanda. I’m leaving as soon as my doctors say it’s okay to travel.”

Kamala is speechless, so Bruno does all the speeching. “I don’t want to say goodbye. I just want to put my life back together, somehow, someway. Please just – just go. I don’t want to see you again.”

Well, that was pleasant! With nothing else left to do, Kamala runs out of the hospital. She looks hard at the Captain Marvel locator pin before throwing it in a puddle and walking away silently.

Final Thoughts

Kamala and Bruno will never ever be friends again! Say it ain’t so! These changes are always permanent and status quo is never reversed immediately! Waaaahh!!