Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 5)!” In the previous installment of the Night of the Monster Men storyline, Batman’s troupe continues to fight the monsters.

…

…so, uh, Gotham Girl and Nightwing turned into monsters, but Duke Thomas left the Batcave against Batman’s wishes with an injection gun of Monster Cure and saves Gotham Girl!

But there’s still Nightwing.

And the other monsters.

And, well, my patience and interest are waning! Stop jerking off and go stop those monsters, gawddamnit.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #6 [December, 2016]
Written by: Steve Orlando / Tim Seeley
“Night of the Monster Men (Part 5)”

Batwoman was in the middle of a free fall, by the way. That’s how the previous issue ended! So there was a bit of a cliffhanger if you care about Batwoman at all. WHICH I DO NOT.

These comics insist that we know the monster carnage is happening in the Burnley District. I don’t know why. Is the Burnley District notorious for being a relatively monster-free sector of Gotham?

Batwoman welcomes Duke Thermos to the party! There’s Nightwing over there, he’s ready to tear the flesh right off your adolescent bones! Enjoy!

Oh right, she’s falling. Well, here’s her plan: shoot Nightwing through the shoulder with a roped harpoon, then dangle from him for a bit of time. “Nightwing’s contained,” she declares, and no one buys it. These fucking superheroes are trying so hard to come across as useful, hot shit, but they’re all embarrassing themselves. Even Duke Thomas is like “you’re fucking falling, you stupid cunt.”

Yes, she’s falling. Here’s the plan: defying all the laws of physics, Batwoman is going to leap off of Nightwing at the last second, and Duke is going to plunge him in the chest with a dose of Monster Cure as he falls at 20,000 mph. It happens, and it makes a “THORK” sound. He screams, bleats, blerts, and bleehrraaghhs back to the normal, red sap-covered young boy that we all know and don’t love. He looks up all like “DID I MISS ANYTHING?!” *wink*

Meanwhile, in the Olsen Park caves, a kid asks Detective Bullock if they’re safe. He’s like “yeah kid, that monster is outside of the caves, now reach into my pocket.” And yes, the monster is indeed outside of the caves and making its way toward the city proper. As far as what’s in Bullock’s pocket, I don’t really want to know.

Nightwing cradles his arm while all the self-proclaimed defenders of the city look up at the next beast about town, the one that formed from the sap burned off by the flares in the caves.

That’s the biggest vibrator I’ve ever seen! And it’s comin’ right for us!

The monster hurls a car right at Nightwing and Spoiler, but instead of being crushed into hummus, Gotham Girls saves both at the very last second. “What next? Where can I help?” she asks. All these kids want to help, huh? Help by writing your congressman. If we don’t stop voting in these DUMBocrats, the monsters will never leave us alone!

No, but really, Gotham Girl, you can take a hike. Or, actually, now that Nightwing thinks about it, they were doing shit at Blackgate before they were unable to do shit there anymore. Gotham Girl! You’re perfect! Here’s what you can do: Drop Nightwing and Spoiler off at Blackgate and fuck back off to the Batcave to help Alfred open a jar of pickles.

Duke, you go home too, goddamnit. Everyone is so sick of your shit.

Spoiler does this thing where she sticks her spear into the ground and projects images into the air right in front of them like computer screens, which is awfully fucking convenient. They start manipulating their respective screens with their hands and do some smart-talkin’ at each other about Hugo Strange. The monsters are cadavers of Strange’s former patients. Spoiler, in four seconds, finds footage of Strange’s session with Oleg Balinoff.

“You’re a manipulator, Oleg,” Strange says, jotting notes while Oleg lies on his prison bed. “The way you talk of the world, I think your ego makes you see other people as under you, nothing more than a means to an end…”

Then there’s footage of Strange talking to Darcy. She has a fear of failure.

Then there’s footage of Strange talking to Joseph. His grief is controlling him.

Then there’s footage of Strange talking to Robert Castro. He smells like tuna fish, and he also is at a stage of arrested development.

Nightwing puts it together. Manipulation, fear, grief, and arrested development. Hugo Strange is Jason Bateman! Or…

KRAKOOM!

“Batman to Nightwing…” Great, Batman’s gonna interrupt the moment with his patented talking.

I hope it kills both of them. Gut. Squelch. Bye bye, Nightwing and Spoiler forever.

Nightwing tells Batman to stop worrying about them. Batman tells them to stop now before they get gutted and squelched. Nightwing tells him they’re really close. Close to what, I’m not sure. Orgasm, probably.

“You can stop this thing, Batman. We both know how. There’s only one option left. Do it.”

Batman grits his perfect teeth and swings across town. “Batman to all-points. Stand down. Spoiler, Nightwing… hold on.”

I don’t know exactly what Nightwing and Spoiler are doing on their magic Air Computers, but they need to hurry the fuck up. Spoiler then activates the Wayne Watchtowers, which are just the tops of two ordinary buildings downtown that light up like lighthouse beacons. Then, two seconds later, the monster gets electrocuted. I guess that’s the end of that? I don’t know what the fuck just happened, personally. Why am I reading this?

Now’s not the time for Minesweeper! Let’s go!

ALFRED HAS SOMETHING TO REPORT FROM THE CAVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. EVERYONE BE QUIET WHILE THE PROPHET SPEAKS. “Master Dick, the DNA sample from the first monster – it’s changing. Strange’s Monster Venom… the cells are programmable… not truly organic, just acting so… They’re communicating across open air…and it looks like… sir… the cellular activity… The programming’s updating. They’re rewriting their makeup with factors from the four fallen monsters… the codes folding together. Connections where I never would have seen them… It’s like God putting together a broken clock, Master Dick.”

Well put, sir. Take your medicine.

Nightwing says it’s not God at work here. It’s Hugo Strange.

Sorry if you got them confused or whatever.

And now an even bigger monster shows up, culled from the remains of the four earlier monsters. That’s just what everyone fucking needs right now.

Let’s check in on Batman himself. He, Clayface, Batwoman, and Emeril Lagasse are near the Sister Arcippe Cathedral where both Nightwing and Spoiler swoop in to join them. Nightwing thought he would never turn on the Watchtowers, and Batman launches into a lengthy explanation of why, yes, he would turn on the Watchertowers.

“We found Strange, Batman,” Spoiler says, cutting to the chase before this issue gets padded out further. “His Monster Venom is based off the Santa Priscan formula. Synthesizing it is an elaborate process. I dug into records. There are multiple sites with matching data. The only one in Gotham is Anders Tower. That’s where Strange is.”

Hmmm, if I were a smart person, I would leave Gotham so that these costumed nerds would never smell the trail. But that’s just me. Hugo Strange is obviously not a smart person. I, an actual smart person, could’ve told you that. And I did! So there.

Nightwing adds that Strange chose his four victims because of their insecurities, something Strange has in spades. “Four patients,” Nightwing says, holding up, thankfully, the correct number of fingers. “Four monsters coming together to form something more. You said it yourself. Strange is a psychologist. These aren’t just monsters. They’re a statement. They’re his diagnosis… of Batman.”

Batman is speechless because Nightwing is right: Batman’s a big, stupid baby! “Leave Strange to me,” he says.

Oh, yeah, sure, it’s always ALL about Batman, isn’t it? Gotham City’s Biggest Narcissist.

“He’s obsessed with you. He wants you face-to-face,” Nightwing says. “Don’t give him what he wants.”

Batman tells Nightwing to cork it. He’s going anyway. “There’s nothing wrong with walking into the dragon’s den. As long as you’re ready to slay the dragon. Strange wants Batman face-to-face? I’d say he’s earned it.”

We see a montage of Hugo Strange strapping on his Batman costume. Ready to jerk off in the tub.

Final Thoughts

I think someone should dunk Strange’s head in the toilet, give him a noogie, and throw him off a bridge. Then celebrate with frosty chocolate milkshakes. How’s that for a final thought, buttfucker.