Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5 – “I’m Free as a Bird – And This Bird You Cannot Kill!”! And go fuck yourself, Scott Lobdell, In the previous installment, which was almost the worst thing I have ever read, Starfire fights an alien named Crux who used to be a human until a Tamaran ship crashed into his parents, and so he injected himself with alien DNA and searched for Starfire until he found her. He couldn’t kick her ass, so he sent her to some cold tundra wasteland. I guess.

Meanwhile, Jason and Roy encounter an Untitled who is now looking to kill Jason because he meddled in his affairs. Those affairs just seem to be “hiding out on Earth so the All-Caste doesn’t get her”. I guess.

This is the worst comic series I’ve read so far. Three more issues left. Let’s slog through this poop swamp ASAP.

Red Hood and the Outlaws (Vol. 1), Issue #5 [March, 2012]
Written by: Scott Lobdell
“I’m Free as a Bird – And This Bird You Cannot Kill!”

Oh no, Roy. Your orange girlfriend might be dead. You fucked each other once and now you’re going to cry. Serves you right for your many sins. God is always watching. Tsk tsk.

The first page is a whole novel about Crux and his beginnings and why he’s actually good and not bad, against all available evidence. He used to be Simon Amal. He just wanted to avenge the death of his parents, and he considers Starfire’s whole Tamaran race as collectively one big bad guy! And not just Tamarans – ANY aliens!

“He even gave up his own body for the cause. He injected himself with a series of gene strands that made him powerful enough to accomplish his mad goals.

Yeah, so it’s like a Batman origin story with some Spider-Man’s Norman Osborn thrown into the mix. How very original, guy. Next you should make him a shield that bears his unconditional love to the shitty ol’ United State of America.

And revenge was thusly exacted: he stripped Starfire of her powers and made her “human”, then dumped her in the cold. What a hero for the cause, sir. Did you slap her around too while you were at it?

While flying around in victory and triumph, Crux starts getting hit with a barrage of arrows and bolts of electricity! Raarrgghh! Brrahhgaahah! Hrrrnrnnrt! Gloooooob! And he falls to the ground, where Roy Harper McRobin Hood steps on his face and aims an arrow right at his chest. Harper, the genius that he always is, deduced that when Starfire gave off a huge Aurora Borealis-like effect and Crux was flying away from it, that maybe Crux had something to do with Starfire giving off a huge Aurora Borealis effect! So now he’s gonna get filled with arrows. Comic book over.

Oh, it’s not? Well that fucking sucks my huge asshole. He doesn’t kill Dragon Boy, but he does demand from him answers on where his little tart might be.

Crux is very quick to tell Harper all about it; such as “she’s by the lake” and “yep, please go by the lake”. That sounds like enough for even Harper to go off of, so he demands that Crux wait there for him, “and if I come back with anything less than a full Kori – with all her adorable orange fingers and toes…” he slams the pointy business end of the arrow into Crux’s shoulder, “…I’m going to kill you.”

Oh boo hoo. Go shoot up some more DNA heroin.

In Middleton, Colorado, in the middle of nowhere, possibly snowglobe-related Red Hood is fighting an Untitled. I think they’re called “the Untitled” because Scott Lobdell left it blank with the intention to circle back to it, but later on he decided to be cute instead. Someone just try and prove me wrong about this. I will kick your scrawny fucking ass.

While they fight, Red Hood wonders what’s so special about Middleton, CO in the first place. Just a hick town with a boring name. Why couldn’t they fight in Boston? He could’ve had seafood.

“My siblings and I have abided by the treaty with the All-Caste for years!” the Untitled shrieks with its ugly, shrieky face. “Ducra should not have dispatched you to instigate on her behalf!”

Yeah, can’t argue with that one… but how about THIS!

*throws stinkbomb, accidentally drops in down his own pants*

Really? You’re going to try and give me shit by assuming, almost correctly, that I’m not keeping up with all this dumb shit? Try writing a better comic book.

The Untitled calls Red Hood a liar for suggesting that the All-Caste had been slaughtered on his/her/its watch. Let alone by his/her/its hands! “I did no such thing. The All-Caste was the only institution in place that kept my siblings from an all-out war!”

Red Hood is convinced immediately by this rebuttal, and comes to the conclusion that they have both been tricked! Dash it all, Jeeves!

“One among the Untitled is lashing out at the others,” this particular Untitled claims. Do you think I believe this bitch? I don’t believe this bitch.

But why is Jason Todd, former Robin / Bruce Wayne’s sex slave, Mr. Red Hood with Many Outlaws, involved in any of this? Why? Why?? WHY? WHY??

It’s because Ducra wasn’t as forthright as initially assumed, that’s why. And we all thought she trusted Todd. HA! I wouldn’t trust him with his own bulbous and flaccid little– wait a minute! Why should he trust this thing at all?! How could anyone believe this bitch?!

OK, enough of that. I’m all hopped up on coffee and crushed-up Adderall that I snorted up into my various brain cavities. Roy Harper is traipsing through the tundra looking for the “love” of his “life” with her adorable orange vulva. “I don’t know Kori very well…” he admits. I’m tired of this guy. It really is because she let him make the sex with her. That’s all it’s about.

“KORI?!” he screams, looking for Haim OR Feldman even though one is dead. Maybe even Hart? He wears his sunglasses at night, so he might be bumping into things around here. Oh yeah, he’s looking for the orange one. Sorry, I’m barely paying attention.

He finds her slumped on the ground and barely icy. So he runs over to her all “HURHN HURHN HURHN” to cradle her in his freckled, pasty arms. He sticks an arrow in the ground and instructs it to magically start a fire. The arrow lights on fire. I didn’t know this guy had magic arrows. Did I know that? Did he need to shoot regular arrows into the sun in order to earn them? Heh heh. Zelda.

“Thank you, Roy Harper,” she manages to croak. “You are a kind man.”

THAT’S IT? NO BLOWJOB? *drops woman back on the ground*

They hug and share a moment and whatever. That is, until Crux comes back with a vengeance! He lifts Harper up by his freckled, pasty scruff and yells harsh words at him. “I ADMIT I MADE A MISTAKE,” he says menacingly. He thought HUMANS would hate the TAMARANS and now he sees this twerp cavorting lustily with one of them? TIME TO DIE and whatnot.

What’s Jason Todd up to? Oh yeah, the Untitled. OK, fine.

It’s because he cheated on the test. Check those crib notes stuffed in the sock, yo.

Well, it’s a flashback first. A flashback to when Jason was getting trained by the All-Caste. Specifically Ducra. See, I’m paying attention. He’s going through a trial where he’s submerged nude in a fountain, chest covered in what looks All-Caste tribal tattoos, beautiful hair a-flowin’. “You can’t stay down there forever, young man,” Ducra scolds. But he does stay there forever! Forever and day. Long enough for Ducra to be like “fuck this” and hoist him out of the fountain with her wrinkly 90,000-year-old arms.

“I suppose I should congratulate you,” she mutters, considering that he is a very special human who did what a veritable cavalcade of other special humans could NOT do. And that’s drown in a stinkin’ tub.

“Shut up and get dressed already. Your people await,” Ducra says before all but shoving Jason out on a stage where many All-Caste are bowing to him like he matters at all whatsoever to anyone ever. He’s not very good at public speaking. They don’t show it, but he probably says something like “My fellow praying people, welcome to the festivities. I am your host, Mr. Jason Todd, and I’m here to make your wildest dreams come true! For my first trick, I will enjoy your company. And furthermore–”

“You taught me to be an assassin, old lady, not a public speaker,” he says rather calmly. Not me. If I were pushed out to speak in front of large group of people I would be like “My fellow praying people, welcome to–”

But I didn’t and I’m happier for it. Jason and Ducra walk side-by-side through a lavish temple garden while he talks about how grateful he is for *insert some philosophical zen nonsense here*. That’s all well and good, blah blah blah blah blah, but what he really wants is something a little less dignified and a little more human.

“All I really want is to kill the man responsible for my murder!” he whines while punching a totem pole, lol, “I want to kill the Joker. And I want to make Batman – my guardian… my protector – suffer for not bothering to avenge my death!”

Ducra says something to the effect of “calm down, spaz. You’ll find out one day that all that revenge wishful thinking is stupid and dumb like your face, so bide your time.”

The Untitled thinks this is quite heartwarming, for sure, seriously. “So you are all that’s left of the mighty All-Caste? You are their final legacy? Pathetic.”

I agree with Mr. Untitled there! Pathetic!

Pathetic like a fox! Jason Todd pulls out two flaming daggers, making Untitled go “?!”. This is the part he trained for. Fuck Mr. Joker. Fuck Mr. Batsman. It’s nigh time to skewer the Untitled!

Your truce is not with me! I am truce-proof!

The unflappable Untitled is really scared now for no obviously apparent reason. Maybe it’s afraid of fire? Or swords? Or preppy boys dressed in sweater vests and suits? SLASH. SLASH. OUCH. Die! Or get a title! Pick one right now!

Back to Roy Harper, who is currently fighting his own fight with the guy who turned himself into an unhappy dragon. “No one’s dying here today, Chuckles,” Harper decrees with a hearty kick to Crux’s ugly jaw! The onomatopoeia says “KICK”. That’s imaginative! Crux thinks it’s funny too; tells the kid that he’s just a useless stoner who sucks. Ouch.

“Let’s put your theory to test,” Harper says before initiating a secret timer on his backpack arrow quiver thing. “You think arrows are everything? You take them. Let me know how that works out for you.”

If this didn’t explain it enough, then here it is: Harper INITIATES a SECRET TIMER on his BACKPACK and he TRICKS Crux into HOLDING ONTO IT while HE AND STARFIRE GET AWAY and then the BACKPACK EXPLODES in his HAND.

“Self-destruct feature,” Harper thinks smugly.

SELF-DESTRUCT FEATURE.

Back to whatever the fuck is going on with Jason “Hot Toddy” the Toddman. He defeated the Untitled in less than two pages. Arrows are sticking out of its chest. It’s not dead, though, it’s just croaking and bitching. OK, now it’s dead. Heh. Gotta read ahead once in a while, huh.

Jason is now wondering who sent this particular Untitled, and how many other particular Untitleds are left. I’m not interested. I think Jason should go home and play Xbox and jerk it to some Hallmark Christmas movies.

The Untitled takes this opportunity, while being dead, to turn back into the sexy cop – a dead sexy cop – as in literally dead – and an angry mob immediately shows up.

The townsfolk are all “oh me, oh my” at their beloved sheriff lying deceased like a dumb, dead Untitled. One kid snaps a photo.

Jason Todd panics like the Bad Boy that he is. How’s he gonna get outta this one? *jangly banjo interlude*

Shut up.

Roy Harper and Kori, they’re fine now. She has her powers back even though it’s weird that she does. It turns out she was experimented on during her captivity and she, as a result, has super-Tamaran powers. And this is info Crux didn’t know. That’s why they’re both alive now, probably. I don’t give a shit.

She zaps the seemingly unconscious Crux with purple light, “the living flame of a star”, which Roy thinks is a little much after they had already knocked him to the ground. No need to kick him while he’s down, right? Again, I don’t give a shit.

Jason pops out of nowhere and runs toward them. They have to get out of there NOW. There’s an angry bunch of rubes headed for him. I. Don’t. Care.

They need a plan, fast!

Don’t care.

Final Thoughts

I hate this comic. I’m so absolutely fucking BORED out of my mind that even the thrill of constantly making fun of it isn’t even helping, that’s how fucking bored I am.

But, for the good of the little people (THAT’S YOU, LITTLE PERSON), I need to continue for two more issues. I can make it. Wish me luck, little people. It’s a big world out there.