Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “Motion”!

She-Hulk! I think it’s pretty funny that I’m tackling a She-Hulk series before I ever ever tackled a regular ol’ Hulk series. Maybe by the time you’re reading this I got around to a regular Hulk series, but fuck that guy. What am I gonna do, read about him getting so mad that he takes a big green shit all over the place?

Here’s what I know about She-Hulk. She’s a lawyer and she was played by the hot lady from Orphan Black in the miniseries. I don’t even know She-Hulk’s real name, so I’m just going to call her “Giada Coltrane McGillicuddy” until further notice.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [April, 2014]
Written by: Charles Soule
“Motion”

A lengthy preamble brings me up to speed! Jennifer Walters is her name. She’s shy and good at her lawyering job. She was gunned down (!) by a crime boss (!!) and got a blood transfusion from her cousin Bruce Banner. Now she can Hulk out, but she can control it and do the Hulk thing whenever she wants and she doesn’t even get angry about it like Lou Ferrigno.

She-Hulk lounges at her desk inside her lavish corner office. She’s waiting for her yearly review, which she thinks she’s going to ace because she billed out over 2,800 hours while she was housesitting for the Fantastic Four. Cynthia, a woman in She-Hulk’s office who doesn’t seem to mind that her business associate is green, is nervous for her.

“They’re ready for you in the partners’ conference room, Ms. Walters,” chimes the voice on the other end of her phone intercom. Super! She-Hulk struts the fuck out of there like she’s on top of the shitty world.

She-Hulk marvels at the partners’ conference room. She’s never had the privilege to be in such a pristine VIP room for the big wigs who like to fuck their prostitutes on the $50,000 conference table. She sits down with the two Review Men.

“Ms. Walters, you’ve been with us for a year. As you know, the purpose of this review is to assess your performance as an associate, and to provide recommendations for going forward,” explains a sallow, sunken-faced old fuck. Then, of course, her year-end bonus will also be a topic of brief, almost non-existent discussion.

She-Hulk can’t wait. It’s going to be a real meaty piece of juicy compensation!

Maybe you should stop scaring away clients with your big, dumb, green face.

…and she doesn’t get her bonus. Look, lady, you are being paid a fuckton of money as it is. And your billable hours are irrelevant for two reasons: 1) shut up, and 2) go away.

The Review Men hem and haw for a moment before admitting that, frankly, She-Hulk should already know why she’s not getting a bonus. They only hired her for her connections, and they have yet to see any clients from the superhero side of things. Like, Tony Stark and Reed Richards and Giada Coltrane McGillicuddy! Where are they? Why is it always Jim-Bob Horsefucker from Toad Suck, Arkansas? Where are the good, RESPECTABLE clients??

“While we appreciate your diligence, Ms. Walters, you were not hired to bill hours and work cases. We have lawyers for that.”

She-Hulk isn’t going to take this sitting down! So she stands up instead. “I deserve better than this,” she claims wrongly. She points out the window to the city she has helped save about a million times over. Plus, she’s a pretty decent attorney and is good at winning cases, also, in fact. She’s not here to strongarm Tony Stark into being represented by the Law Offices of Douchebag and Doucheturd. No way.

The two Review Men glance at each other and decide, hey, now’s a good time to fire this green bitch! However, she quits before Sallow Sunken-Face can finish his sentence, which makes things easier for everyone! Her current clients will get redistributed! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, unless of course you want it to!

She breaks the $50,000 conference table on her way out. For fun. Instead of looking mad and vindictive, the two men just look scared and perplexed. That’ll show ‘em.

Is She-Hulk permanently green? She’s at a bar now enjoying a nice job-quittin’ drink while looking very conspicuous. So conspicuous, in fact, that she gets approached by a woman. “Hello. You’re an attorney right?” she asks, which She-Hulk gets catty about and reminds the woman that this is a lawyer bar full of lawyers and you can’t throw a rock without hitting a lawyer and killing them. So don’t even try unless you want to rid the Earth of a few lawyers, which isn’t necessarily a bad idea.

Looks like you should’ve just passed the bar!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

The woman is named Holly Harrow, and she is having trouble finding a lawyer who will actually take her case. She-Hulk takes a look at Harrow’s paperwork and decides, yeah, taking such a case would be career suicide. You know, going up against “this guy” and all. The conversation keeps things vague but, basically, Harrow’s husband is dead and his patent was possibly stolen. She-Hulk won’t take the case either because a) shut up, and b) go away.

But actually, it’s because she knows “this guy” and she’s pretty confident that a quick conversation will settle things out of court. And so it shall be.

Later, She-Hulk visits Stark Tower to visit the Man, the Myth, the Legend himself: Robert Downey Jr., of course. He was pretty good in Weird Science. You know, that movie about the sex robot. Once She-Hulk mentions to the twin hologram secretaries that the discussion is related to lawyering, she is directed to the 18th floor where she won’t see Robert Downey Jr. yet.

The 18th floor is merely a long-ass hallway that leads to a creepy bald man with sunglasses and a purple bowtie sitting behind a desk. He calls himself Legal, and he’s here to vet legal matters to make sure they’re worthy for Tony Stark’s attention. Legal is already aware of the Harrow matter. Holly’s husband, Dr. Jonas Harrow, was some evil creator of murder weapons and he claimed that Stark stole some tech way back in the day. Well, don’t bother with this case. It’s dead in the water! She-Hulk still wants to talk to Stark about it, but Legal blah-blah-blahs profusely about the history of Stark’s enterprise as some sort of excuse. So am-scray.

And am-scray she does, intending to take this matter to court! The chip on her shoulder is the size of a Tostido!

We jump to court immediately! Legal is about 3’2” tall and he looks like I could punt his ass to the moon. She-Hulk’s opening arguments are as follows: …wait, Legal has something to say? Go ahead Legal. Mmm-hmm. You have new motions to introduce at this time? “We’re moving for summary judgment, change of venue, extensions on multiple grounds, countersuit based on tortious interference, and, among other things, alleging that Ms. Walters is not competent at serving counsel in this matter due to her relationship with my client, Mr. Stark.”

Legal’s four attorney sidekicks present the judge with boxes upon boxes of files and notes.

“In particular, we sugges that Ms. Walters holds a personal grudge against Mr. Stark due to physical confrontations where she came out on the losing side, and previous romantic relationships between the two.”

Homework sucks, right kids?

Later, Holly Harrow takes She-Hulk to her self-storage space where all of Dr. Jonas Harrow’s evil inventions, guns and blowup dolls are stored. What was supposed to be a two-minute conversation with Tony Stark has turned into Shit City. She-Hulk sighs and promises to sort everything out and try to find something she can use in a Court of Law.

Eventually, She-Hulk finds a microcassette with a damning recording! Bingo bango, sir. Making haste, she storms back to Stark Tower which is guarded by robots who want She-Hulk gone for being an overall nuisance. Now, finally, we get to see She-Hulk really Hulk out! And that means her muscles get bigger and she rips her pants to shreds. Time to see Tony Stark.

Stark is happy to see her! Or maybe it’s a gun in his pocket. At any rate, She-Hulk lays it out for him. Dr. Jonas Harrow pitched his patent to a company called Accutech where he met with a guy named Eddie Finch and recorded their conversation. Six months later, Accutech introduced repulsor tech identical to Harrow’s patent! Fuckin’ Finch, right? That guy is a snake.

Now, sir, based on the Accutech public filings, your Starky company made $80 million from the repulsor tech’s designs. Uh oh!

Stark claims he never even met Eddie Finch. He wasn’t aware of any of these shady dealings. And She-Hulk believes him, which is why she came straight to him to talk in the first place. Call off your bald Legal nerd and cut Holly Harrow a nice fat check before things get ugly. Pay more attention to what your company is doing next time, idiot.

It turns out that Tony Stark is happy to see her, if you catch my drift.

I would’ve held out for at least $150,002.00.

Later, in the lawyer bar for lawyering lawyers, Holly thanks She-Hulk for her efforts. A nice fat check is just what the doctor ordered! Tony Stark gave Holly so much money that she can afford to pay She-Hulk $150,000! She-Hulk accepts graciously and decides to use the money to start her own law firm.

And the rest, they say, is history. I hope you enjoyed She-Hulk (2014), Issue #1! I’ll never read another one for the rest of my life.

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! Had you going there for a second, didn’t I?