Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #3! In the previous installment, Silk gets the hang of being a superhero by beating up old skull-octopus robots and getting covered with feces in the sewer Batman-style. Looking for her family offers no leads, as they seemed to have disappeared with the help of Ezekiel (who is now dead, so sad).

Cindy runs into her old boyfriend Hector, who now has a fiancée named Audrey. This makes her sad, understandably, so she returns to her bunker to mope.

Meanwhile, two individuals are keeping an eye on her via surveillance. And, so far, they’re impressed with what they see…

Silk (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [June, 2015]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

Silk got knocked into an office building through its window. Outside, a blue gremlin-like demon flies toward the building all like “REMEMBER ME, SILK?”

What’s with all these monsters wanting people to remember them? Narcissistic, much?

Silk doesn’t remember him anyway. “You ruined me,” he says as they fight and tussle. “Turned me into a joke.”

Oh yeah, Silk remembers now. It’s Dragonclaw, who has now been turned into a real dragon via hormone therapy and magic potions. He has a new name, now. He wants to be called “Rage”. Silk prefers “Diet Smaug”.

Rage burns Silk’s swingin’ webs and she plummets into a very large dumpster. Then he picks up a van and tosses it on top of her. Ouch. Then she’s stuck, and Rage flies away, and the comic is already half over! lol what the fuck

All the cool people will be there!

Flashback to 18-year-old Cindy getting locked away by Ezekiel What’s-His-Nuts. She isn’t happy. He looks grim, like it’s not his choice but he’s gonna do it anyway but it hurts him to do it but it’s for the greater good but he doesn’t want to hurt her but one must be sacrificed to help many. That kind of grim.

“Adrenaline rush. Fingertips tingling. Don’t have another car thrown on me.” These are all things she thinks as she picks herself up and dusts herself off. I guess Rage the Ugly Blue Motherfucker didn’t fly away, which I totally saw him do by the way, because he stands on the ground looking up at Silk standing on the dumpster. “Any chance you want to just surrender?” she asks.

Ok well lmao he flies away again. Silk groans, and then stops Rage with a flinging of many webs. “Release me!” he yells as she jumps off the roof and pulls him down, down, down, down…

Flashback! “You’re asking me to throw away my life.” Cindy grits her teeth as she punches Ezekiel right in the face. Cindy likes punching things, this I know to be certain.

“Your life stopped being your own the moment that spider bit you, Cindy.” Ezekiel just takes his blows, which pisses Cindy off. Fight! Fight, ya bastard!

“I won’t force you to do this,” Ezekiel says after taking another fist to the face.

I choose fisticuffs at dawn, you brigand you!

Ezekiel lies bleeding on the floor. He begs Cindy to stop, that he isn’t going to hurt her, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, in the present, Rage is also begging Cindy to stop. Rage unmasks himself, revealing a sad, pathetic little wimp named Harris Porter.

“All right, Harris.” Silk sits down next to him. “I lost my temper. My bad. But you threw a van at me. So, it happens. What’s with the whole bad-guy thing?”

Harris looks sheepish. He’s a single parent. His wife left him a few years ago. Ergo, bad-guy thing. Making money working for Black Cat. You know the drill. Meow.

Silk feels bad about beating Harris up. Again. She helps him up and asks if he watched the Fact Channel. They ran a piece last week on Alchemax, and tech company who doesn’t care about criminal histories. Flair up your resume, Sparky. You can sit at a computer and play Minesweeper for $9/hr.

When the coast is clear, Silk calls up Fact Channel and tells her boss that she just emailed security footage of Silk tearing a dragon dude’s ass. She just bought another few weeks on the job! Won’t J. Jonah Jameson be happy! Once he’s done diarrhea-ing all over the office bathroom.

Black Cat shows up on the rooftop. Nice to see ya again and all that. “I knew you were bad from the minute we met,” Black Cat purrs. “Just didn’t know it was going to be bad for business.”

Then they fight. Silk is tired from all the other fighting + getting a van thrown on her. Plus, her webbing is running low. Gotta skedaddle. Black Cat punches Silk in the face and tells her to retire from the superhero business.

Stars like Jeff Goldblum, Mickey Mouse, and Marc Summers.

Then Black Cat picks her up and throws her like a frisbee. “Run while you can, Rookie.”

Harris Porter returns home after a long day of being a jerk. His young daughter gives him a big hug and asks her banged-up dad if he’s ok. Harris is like “I’M NOT OK, DEVIL SPAWN” but then actually says “I’m gonna be.”

He pays the old, grumpy babysitter and starts watching the Silk/Rage fight footage on the Fact Channel (where Facts go to Die™). “Who is that girl with the pretty hair?” Harris’ daughter asks. “She’s cool! Is she a hero?”

She shows her dad a crude drawing of Silk standing among some flowers that look like Bellsprouts. “Yeah, honey,” Harris says tiredly. “I think so.”

Silk returns to her bunker where Spider-Man is waiting. “Peter? Now?” she thinks. “C’mon!”

“I saw you on the news again. Your powers… Cin, something’s off. I just want to help.”

“You want to help me? Then go away. Forever.”

Ha! Take that, Peter Parker, you dunce!

“I’m worried about you,” he responds.

“Look. I know you mean well, I do. But I’ve had a crappy day. A crappy ten years…”

“Yeah. I figured you wouldn’t listen to me. So I brought some backup.”

Reveal a very friendly, smiley Fantastic Four. What an altruistic bunch. Helpful all the time. That Reed Richards sure is smart! Heh heh.

*snore*

Final Thoughts

Fucking great. More superheroes. Jerk me off, sir.