Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Silk (Vol. 2), Issue #1!

And welcome to my first foray into All New, All Different Marvel, the line that immediately follows Marvel NOW! I’ve been chipping away at Marvel NOW! for about two-and-a-half years now, and I think it’s time to explore the next era a bit. That isn’t to say I’m giving up on Marvel NOW!, but I’m certainly going to spend a little less time on it.

I begin my All New, All Different adventure with one of my favorite heroes from Marvel NOW!: Cindy Moon as Silk. She was locked in a bunker for 10 years and now she’s getting used to stuff like iPhones and the decline of American democracy! And I’m looking forward to what other crazy, wacky hijinks she’ll get herself into! Maybe Spider-Man will make an appearance and they will bang and make little Spider Babies.

In the previous Silk adventure, Cindy discovers he family is missing after her ten year absence. Part of her mission is to find these people, and although she did find her brother messing around with a gang, her parents are still on the lam somewhere. Maybe she’ll find them dead in a ditch in Colombia after fucking around with the cartel. Wouldn’t that be hilarious?!

Silk (Vol. 2), Issue #1 [January, 2016]
Written by: Robbie Thompson

So Cindy has some new digs: a shitty apartment the size of a closet. I actually think it looks comfortable, but I’m weird and I live on the top floor of a three-unit condo and my ceilings are 18 feet high and I hate it. Cindy’s place is much smaller than her bunker so it’ll take some getting used to, but at least it’s her own and she doesn’t have a smelly roommate who cuts her toenails over the cookie jar.

“First time in my life I’ve ever paid rent,” she thinks as she’s swinging around New York City splattin’ goblins with web semen. She’s trying to steal back a suitcase that the Goblin Nation stole from… somewhere. We’ll see in a minute, probably. “Stangely? It’s a good feeling. Actually being able to pay rent is only possible ’cause I finally got a promotion at work.”

Cindy works at Fact Channel, headed by J. Jonah Jameson. She’s now an assistant to the assistants, so she’s moving on up! She used to buy coffee for nerds with Vampire Weekend t-shirts, and now she’s getting coffee from nerds with Vampire Weekend t-shirts! Her nickname, dubbed by Jameson, is “Analog” because she sucks at technology (and he thinks this trait is aces). “Silk thwarted a bank robbery!” Jameson yells at Cindy from down the hall. “Where’s my footage?”

And Cindy is on top of that, too! Already uploaded, sir, in a folder located snugly beside your favorite pornographies, sir. “Thattagirl,” Jameson says. “NOW GET BACK TO WORK!”

Cindy has spent a lot of time getting her G.E.D. to make up for all the the not-high school she attended. Now she’s blasting bad guys with spidery sludge 700 feet off the ground.

Silk has been trying to take down Goblin Nation after what they did to her brother: got him hooked on drugs and its associated paraphernalia! Now he’s basically a vegetable drooling in a rehabilitation clinic.

Good job, Albert! The letter “P” is very tricky!

Cindy vows to avenge her brother proper, and that means punching goblins in the face as the Silky Spiderlady. “I’ve been trying to beat answers out of these thugs,” she thinks. “So far? None of them has any clue as to who Albert is or how I can get my hands on the [Goblin] King.”

These small-fry goblins. Just a fuckin’ distraction. Like a kaleidoscope only way less cool.

After breaking a few goblin bones, Silk recovers the suitcase and starts going on her merry way… until an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. named Mockingbird shows up to take the suitcase from her. “Oh yeah…” Silk says. “…actually… there is one other thing… I’m a bad guy now.”

Silk swings the suitcase right into Mockingbird’s jaw, breaking it into 45 pieces and killing her quite instantly forever! And by that I mean Mockingbird is fine, but startled enough for Silk to make her getaway. She reports back to her boss, who informs Silk that the TV news still shows her in a good light. “They still think you’re a hero,” her boss says. Her boss looks like Mockingbird only she’s not Mockingbird. I don’t know who she is! Am I supposed to?

“Goblin Nation is getting stronger?” says Boss.

“You worried?” responds Silk.

“Of course not. The Goblin Nation and its so-called King? They’re weak. No, I’m worried about you.”

Beating on goblins is my bread and butter, ma’am. Mostly because I can’t actually afford real bread and butter.

Boss wonders if there’s something more to Silk’s unhealthy fixation on beating up goblins. Could it be for personal reasons? She hopes not, that’s bad for business! Silk glares at her boss and tells her that everything is just business. She’s going to weed out this Goblin King and fuck him right in the butt or her name isn’t “Cindy ‘The Rock’ Moon”.

The next day at Fact Channel, J. Jonah Jameson’s butt is all fucked about Cindy missing the action on Silk fighting Mockingbird. Oh sure, she got footage of Silk kicking goblin ass, but the fight with Mockingbird?! NO ONE has that! No one except the Daily Bugle, that is, and Jameson now has a beef with his former employer.

Then Jameson gets lost in thought: “Obviously, Mockingbird is up to something. Hell, she’s probably still a Skrull. Buncha heroes were kidnapped by Skrulls a while ago. Held captive for years while their Skrull counterparts took over their lives as sleeper agents. Allegedly. Buncha nonsense, you ask me. And here’s proof: Mockingbird getting in the way of a bona-fide hero like Silk!”

Cindy just stands there bewildered and maybe a little bit fidgety. Jameson comes back around to his point: FUCK the Daily Bugle, and fuck you for missing the footage! You’re fired! Now get back to work!

Later that night, Silk sneaks around the rooftops and enters a secret entrance of a secret building! “Being bad? Not easy. Especially when… I’m really not bad at all.”

Like, what the fuck, Silk? Pick a side.

The room she enters contains Mockingbird icing her jaw. She asks if Silk was followed, then tells her to go easy on her next time. “Can’t seem to get the Fact Channel to believe you broke bad,” Mockingbird says. Silk assures her that she’s working on it.

Silk disabled whatever tech was in the suitcase before handing it over to Mockingbird. When she asks what it was, Mockingbird tells her that it’s records of a chemical weapon (according to S.H.I.E.L.D., who are full of shit). Anyway, Mockingbird got some info for Silk in a nicely packaged brown envelope that says “CONFIDENTIAL” on it, so you know it’s some special shit. “No leads on your parents, yet. But we’re tracking your brother’s history. A few more breadcrumbs. He wasn’t in Goblin Nation long. He still doesn’t remember anything?”

Yeah, he remembers Goblin some Cock. Hee hee hee. Anyway, Mockingbird thinks Black Cat has something to do with all this hooey, so keep an eye on her.

Lots of drinking and bedwetting. Plenty of bedwetting. Nonstop bedwetting.

After Silk asks about Mockingbird being imprisoned by Skrulls, Mockingbird kind of does this Vietnam-flashback thing and walks out of the room. “Be careful out there, kiddo. Working undercover? Only person to watch your back is you.”

We end with one of the goblin pawns reporting back to the King about his utter failure to goblinkind. “Black Cat’s new girl, Silk. She took the case from me. It’s all my fault.”

The King needs to know if this goblin, Casey, is still loyal to the Blackest of Cats. Because if he is, and he’s not loyal to the Goblin King, then raaaawwwwrrr! He’ll make him eat his large intestine and then poop it out through his esophagus.

“I LIVE TO SERVE THE GOBLIN KING!” Casey yells after injecting himself with mysterious liquid that he was just handed to by the Goblin King.

Goblin steroids, man. Not even once.

Final Thoughts

Silk is back, baby! And she’s silkier than ever! Fuck those goblins up! Take no prisoners! Try out some of that goblin juice too if you get the chance, it sounds amazing.