Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Most Wanted? (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Most Wanted? storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4- “Most Wanted (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Gwen’s own home gets infiltrated by the Vulture; Captain Stacy’s connection to Spider-Gwen still remained unknown. Stacy almost dies of yellow fog poisoning until Ben Parker, their neighbor, helped him out of his house. Meanwhile, Gwen webs up the Vulture for the police to find and everything ends all hunky-dory.

That’s it. No cliffhanger. Nothing. Let’s move on.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [July, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

“Coming up here was a terrible idea. Tagging a condo that’s not even built yet? What was I thinking?”

A couple of vandals, Izzy and Hobie, are looking to make, and I quote, “a fat baby graffiti angel taking a flaming devil poop.” And the spray paint is two seconds from hitting the wall before Spider-Gwen-Woman gets up in their faces and scares them to high heaven!

Hobie defends himself by spraying paint in Spider-Gwen’s face, which caught her by surprise. The duo try to run, but they break through some very flimsy boards that cause them to stumble and tumble! “Stupid #@#$&%# kids,” Spider-Gwen thinks as she grabs both of them and flings webs to safety.

“So wait—you’re not gonna arrest us?” Hobie was with a face full of consternated surprise-type scrunching. Spider-Gwen reminds these fools that she’s wanted. By the police. And not just any police. The police. And not the Sting Police. The police.

The kids still plead self-defense and what-have-you. After all, Spider-Gwen came at THEM first. Then after getting accused of working for the cops, she throws up a little in her mouth after she’s accused of sleeping with Captain Stacy. “There’s no conspiracy,” she tells them. “I don’t work for the stupid cops. I’m only here because you kids could have gotten hurt! Seriously, what were you even doing up here?”

Um, ma’am, stop asking cop questions like a fucking pig-ass cop.

After a tense couple of minutes, Spider-Gwen lets the kids go. But this is Strike Two, and you don’t want to know what happens after Strike Three.

Anyway, superheroing is hard work. After an overnight stint as Spidery-Lady, Gwen tries to sneak back home. BUT, she’s caught by an unassuming neighbor.

RAPE! R-A-A-A-A-AAAPE!! I HAVE MACE AND A GUN, ASSHOLE! EAT MY SHIT! ASSAULT!!

Well, well, well, looks like Unky Ben has caught Gwenny Gwen red-handed. “I was wondering when we’d see you, Honey Bear,” he says creepily. “Didn’t want to ring the bell and wake your dad, huh? Good girl.”

Ben puts his arm around the girl and leads the way into the Parker house where Captain Stacy is snoring away on the couch like a loud baby. At the kitchen table there’s a copy of today’s Daily Bugle: “FOREST HILLS FRENZY: SPIDER-WOMAN BATTLES VULTURE, POLICE”.

Gwen grumbles at the headline while Ben makes Gwen some coffee. When Ben heads upstairs to check on Aunt “Cougar” May, she reminisces about her stay at the Parker household and mourns the fate of Peter Parker, who may or may not be dead on Earth-65? I don’t even fucking know! Maybe I should’ve boned up on my Earth-65 knowledge before diving tits-first into these Spider-Gwen comics.

Aunt May comes down to check on Gwen, who is rifling through May’s scrapbooks. After a spell, Gwen apologizes and tries to shamble away, but May stops her. “Please, Gwen, I haven’t seen you in months,” she says. This version of Aunt May looks like it would kill her to blink. She ain’t got no eyelids. Gwen apologizes again, but Aunt May is like “SIT”.

“It’s Peter, isn’t it dear? That’s why you’re here?” May asks. But it’s more than. Oh so much more. It’s actually more about the Spider-Woman thing, and the being Spider-Woman thing about it. May agrees, this whole Spider-Woman thing is bananas.

You know the worst thing about Spider-Woman? She’s mooching off our coffee.

Gwen asks what May means by “a hard time”. And May’s forever-open eyes start glazing over. “I knew Peter was in love,” she says. “He was in love with the idea of [Spider-Woman], Gwen. With the power of it. The freedom. With the fantasy.”

They talk about Peter while an incredibly dorky picture of him hangs on the wall between them. I’m finally getting the hint that there never was a Spider-Man. There was always just Spider-Gwen in this universe.

May holds Gwen’s hand, all like “Peter loved us” and “waaahhh.” “So yes, when Peter died, when Jameson threw a microphone in our faces… I looked for someone to blame. I thought ‘why not Spider-Woman?’ She fled from the scene. From police. She wears a mask. But something was wrong. Just off.”

The old woman keeps rambling rambling rambling. Eventually, she says, she started to see Spider-Woman in a different light. Months of newspaper clippings in her scrapbook reveals a person who is trying to DO GOOD IN THIS WORLD. Whodathunkit? And, maybe deep down, she’s trying to make up for something. Like Peter Parker’s untimely shrimp boat-related death.

Anyway, these two keep getting mushy and I’m getting bored. In the end, they decide that the only way to make up for Peter’s death is to keep on living. How’s that for wisdom? Thanks, Jason Latour.

Later, Gwen stands outside a theater that advertises a show by the Mary Janes. Glory shows up to give her some much-needed shit. “Well? Are we witnessing the triumphant return of Gwen Stacy? Or do we need to add a question mark after our name on the marquee?”

Take it all out on the drums. Beat those fuckers into submission.

Gwen doesn’t answer right away. She just kind of stares and drools. Then she tells her that she wants to be back, but she’s still got that dead nerd on her mind. That dead nerd, her dad, Spider-Woman. Glory tells her to stop talking and start drumming. Smart lady.

Gwen joins in on the next Mary Janes show. Everything is back to normalcy.

We end at the police station, where cops are telling the tall tale of Frank Castle standing up alone against Spider-Woman until backup arrived. DeWolff gets pissed; asks the cops if it’s funny joking about Castle and three other cops ending up in the hospital. “Geez Louise, it’s all ‘gallows humor’ Dewolff.

Then DeWolff gives the guy a wedgie, no foolin’, and then Castle shows up all banged up with a neck brace. “Enough gawking,” he says. “Get back to work. Detective DeWolff… that means you, too.”

DeWolff glares sourly as Castle walks away. “Sir, yes sir.”