Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #0 – “The End of the Beginning”! And hey, this is my first ever 0th issue! Give me a prize of 0 fucks!

This is a standalone, and maybe some sort of New 52 prequel? Not sure. Exciting though, isn’t it? No? Too bad.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #0 [November, 2012]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“The End of the Beginning”

“Krypton will die. My brother Jor-El was right. There’s no sense pretending otherwise.” I don’t know the name of Kara’s dad, so I’ll just call him Horm-El. This Horm-El dude watches his daughter floating in stasis in some sort of fuckin’ bacta tank, wondering if he should alert the world of the final fate of Krypton (i.e. kablooie). Panic would be rampant, though. Better not risk it.

He removes Kara from stasis. “I should tell Kara, at least. Tell her the truth. Tell her what I’m planning. But she would never agree to it.”

Kara snaps out of her induced coma and feels disoriented, as if someone spun her like a top and then kicked her in the balls that she doesn’t even have. Horm-El lies to her and tells her that her trials are over! She passed! Time to get in a pod and get catapulted to Earth, dearie.

The planet experiences a quick kryptonquake. Less time between them these days, but don’t worry. I’m sure it’s not something hoaxy like global warming or anything like that. Daddy has a solution _{and it’s not anything like launching you into space or anything like that, I promise, heh heh.} ANYWAY, let’s travel to his far, far, far away laboratory outside the purview of the pesky ethics council! But enough talk, let’s go see Mother!

OK, Kara’s dad is named Zor-El and he had discussed developing these huge machines with the Council of Smarty Pants People. They commend Zor-El for revolutionizing the of Argo’s infrastructure. Zor-El is very humble about his giant popcorn machine, though. Many of these machines have been erected around the perimeter of Argo, designed to protect it from kryptonquakes and Godzilla-type beasties. He hasn’t spoken to Jor-El though, because they don’t speak and also fuck Kryptopolis! Boo! Their football team sucks!

It would be pretty awful if someone punted the little twerp to the other side of the neighborhood…

Kara vists the Superman family and wishes the rest of hers could be there to join in the revelry. Too bad Jor-El and Zor-El had a very hostile game of Battleship once and now they’re never going to speak to one another again. No, haha, that game of Battleship wasn’t the whole problem! Jor-El doesn’t like Zor-El’s unethical experiments. Something clicks in Kara’s mind that maybe her father is still working on unethical experiments. Jor-El is like “THIS WILL NOT DO! PLEASE PUT YOUR DAD ON THE PHONE IMMEDIATELY!”

Meanwhile, Zor-El is poring over some shit. Tinkering with other shit. He’s at a very critical point in his research where he’s finding out that if he mixes red and blue that he might make purple.

Or a weapon.

His wife – Kara’s mother – is concerned, but Zor-El insists that he must do what it takes to protect his work, his family, and his daughter.

The planet quakes again and Zor-El spills his strawberry milkshake everywhere. His wife Alura demands to know what the UNGODLY FUCK is going on in Krypton these days, but Zor-El tells her to bide her time and some day, when they’re all gone and dead, he’ll tell her everything! How’s that for a compromise?

Later that day… “Uncle Jor-El wants to talk to you, Father. He’s said you’re ignoring him.”

“Kara, I won’t stop you for seeing the rest of your family, but I have no desire to listen to anything my brother has to say.”

“But he said it’s important!”

“I have no doubt he thinks so.”

That settles that.

Kara, do you know what a “brothel” is?

Zor-El takes Kara to the location of one of his very important experiments. It’s the stupid pod she’s going to be trapped in for millennia or whatever. Inside the pod is an outfit with the ‘S’ shield – the family crest! Oh boy, is Kara ever excited! She’s going to try it on before Daddy shoves her in the pod. “I can’t do this,” he sweats.

Alura suddenly finds a mysterious young man in their home wearing the family crest. She demands to know who he is and what’s he’s doing and from whence he came!

“Alura, it’s not too late…” he says.

“TOO LATE FOR WHAT? WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT SYMBOL? TELL ME WHO YOU ARE!!”

“A friend. Alura, listen to me. There’s still time… to say goodbye to Kara.”

And while Alura is all like “what the fuck is you talking about?”, Kara shows off her new threads. Dazzling! Very Superman-esque even though Superman isn’t Superman yet, but you get it! And… oh my, Kara gets dizzy all of a sudden. Did Dad roofie her strawberry milkshake? “I am sorry,” he says. “But do not fear. It had to be done.”

You know those kryptonquakes? That’s the planet’s way of letting you know that it’s uncontrollably shitting its organs.

The planet is going to be gone in about 4 hours and *checks watch* 15 minutes. Get your ass in the pod.

Kara tries to resist, but she gets sleepy. “…if you… if you love me…” she drools, “…you won’t do thisss…”

Zor-El is crying now because he misses his strawberry milkshake. Also, he’ll never see his daughter again. But that’s in second place.

“Safe in this pod, orbiting a yellow sun, Kara will remain in stasis until I can retrieve her. Assuming Argo City survives.”

Ha, it won’t, idiot. What an idiot. He records a message on a sunstone: if she hears it, congratulations, Dad’s dead! If she can’t hear it, congratulations, she’s dead! The sunstone will also contain boring things like the full history of Krypton, his own research, and the entire Three’s Company full series boxset.

Someone enters the lab, much to Zor-El’s angered surprise. It’s Alura, and she zaps her husband with some sort of phaser. “I know what you did, Zor! Experimenting on our daughter! And now… sending her off to a faraway star…! Sending her away from us!”

I know how you feel, lady. My planet is dying too, but I don’t have a pod for my daughter. I just have opioids.

Alura runs to her unconscious daughter, who is unconscious, by the way, in case I didn’t just mention it. She tries to wake Kara up, but it ain’t happenin’. Zor-El stumbles to the command console and begins the launch sequence.

Alura bangs on the pod, screaming “LET HER OUT!” But there is no letting out. The launch sequence is done. Bye bye, Kara. I hope there’s at least a Pizza Hut en route or something.

“Kara. My beautiful, beloved daughter. …My hope is that your mother and I have already welcomed you to a new, safe place where the spirit of Krypton can live on, and this message is unnecessary. But if the opposite is true, know that you carry in your heart the memory of a city… your planet… and your family.”

Everyone farts.

Final Thoughts

Yeah, ok, this is pretty sad. I shouldn’t have made fun of it, guys. If I were a teenager who was launched off of Earth against my will, I’d… I’d be pretty happy, actually. Fuck Earth. It’s the worst.