Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1 – “Last Daughter of Krypton”!

As if I haven’t mentioned it many times already, the New 52 Action Comics reboot left me so annoyed that I’ve been hesitant to dip back into anything Superman-related since. So this is my very first trip back to the world of Superman, and I figured I was safe with Supergirl, she seems cool.

The only thing I know about Supergirl is what I read about at Six Flags. The long, boring line for the Superman roller coaster spaces out some boards with facts about the common Superman characters. I remember that Supergirl is taller than Superboy, and that’s funny!

So with that ballast of essential Supergirl knowledge in tow, let’s begin.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“The Last Daughter of Krypton”

Right away I’ve decided that Supergirl looks like vocalist Eva Spence from mathcore band Rolo Tomassi, so I’m a happy guy! I hope she screams like her too.

Opening scene: A bunch of meteorites are hurtling toward bumfuck Kansas in a 24-mile radius. Two guys off-panel, possibly military personnel, are tracking them. The meteorites start landing in the giant swaths of farmland, destroying some dwellings and perhaps spooking a cow or two! “We have impact, sir.”

Then one of the dudes starts panicking. “Sir, the biggest target…it’s not stopping! This is impossible…it’s cutting through the mantle!” And we see this one giant space rock continue cutting through the earth, slowing down only ever-so gradually. Eventually, it pops out the other side in Siberia! Those Russians are in for a surprise. They call for backup and head toward the, uh…reverse impact zone.

“Have you ever had that feeling…like you’ve been asleep for a really long time? For what seems like a lifetime.” This is Supergirl narration now, I can tell because the words are in rectangular yellow narration boxes with a Super symbol next to them! And also there’s a super-looking girl emerging from the quote-unquote impact crater. She feels like she’s woken up from a dream, except that the dream ain’t over yet. She looks sad and confused.

She wanders the frigid Siberian landscape convinced that it’s still a dream because Mother would kill her if she wore her Supergirl costume outside. She’s supposed to wait until next year after graduation! Plus, it doesn’t snow on Krypton anymore. There’s that too. She hasn’t seen snow since she was toddlin’. And it doesn’t even really feel that cold! This is bush league snow.

Suddenly, she gets ambushed by a troop of flying metal robots or some shit, warning her that the area she’s in is restricted land. She smiles to herself. “Okay…giant metal creatures…falling from the sky…speaking in clicks and beeps…Father would love this dream.”

No he wouldn’t, where are the hundreds of naked dancing ladies?

A few of them attempt to circle her and contain her with what appears to be purple jump rope cannons! She gets entangled with rope, and she gets a little bit pissed off at this. These actually hurt, what gives? “Let me go!” she yells in Kryptonian, which probably sounds like this to the Russians: “BUZZ! FLUMP!” She starts shutting her eyes to will herself to wake up from whatever cockamamie dream this is, and the robots notice the symbol on her chest.

Supergirl (Kara) is starting to realize, finally, that this isn’t a dream. Maybe. And the sun starts rising, and she freaks out because it’s yellow. Her eyes start watering, then they turn red, then they start sizzling like an egg on a whatsits. You know what they’re called. The thing. Frying pan!

Hmm…something doesn’t seem right here…

A big fat burst of red-laser vision shoots out her dang eyeballs, which sends a robot soldier flying 40 feet and landing on the ground as a smoldering pile of hapless garbage. “What’s happening what’s happening?” Kara panics. One moment she’s on her way home with her friends, the next moment she shows up on some strange planet with horrible inhabitants and too many Wendy’s restaurants and three countries, one of them highly developed, still without paid maternity leave in 2022. And she doesn’t know how she got there!

She attempts to run away in no particular direction, and a robot soldier slams her to the ground. Father always says don’t be a pussy, so she gets up again and sends this robot flying to Mongolia with a single punch. She’s surprised by her own strength, and also the throbbing red veiny streaks on her hands.

Oh shit, varicose veins already? I’m 16!

Three more robot soldiers give chase! One launches a motherfucking rocket at her, which explodes and sends her flying forward. Completely unscratched, she wonders why she’s still alive as she continues sprinting away from these ballistic-armed robots. She starts hearing a bunch of random sound effects and takes pause. Here are some of the sound effects she hears: “RRANKWRRANKWRANK”, “OOOM OOOM”, “THOMP THOMP THOMP THOMP”, “EEET-EEP”, “HA HA HA HA HA”, and so forth. She clutches her ears in agony, begging for the sounds, whatever they are, to cease! Cease, go back from whence you came, forthwith!

My only clue is that she’s hearing conversations straight out of other Issue #1s from other New 52 reboots! This is because one of the voices surrounding her says “–is the fiercest killer in all of Gotham. And he doesn’t even know it.”, referring to the first storyline of Dick Grayson, aka Nightwing! which I happened to have just finished reading! There’s also these: “I don’t talk to fish” (Aquaman?), “A church. It had to be a church. Like I’m not already damned as it is.” (Catwoman?). Supergirl’s on her knees screaming and trying to block out all this noise, and the robot soldiers are done playing around. “Let’s wrap this up already.” one says, and then Supergirl screams even louder! Hell yeah, baby, there’s that Eva Spence that I was looking for!

The robots stop in their tracks; her screaming is at a frequency that begins to crack their robot suits. “Somebody – please – shut her up –” one yells, and another leaps forth and pins her to the ground. It doesn’t work. She rips an arm off, kicks him down, and smashes him in the face with it! Girl Power!

Get fucked, Metal Man!

To another, she bolts right at him and starts tearing pieces off the robot suit, revealing the sniveling, whimpering little twerp housed within. He looks like Urkel. She hoists him by the front of his jacket and screeches right in his face, in Kryptonian of course, “WHERE AM I?! WHO ARE YOU?!”

This guy, completely removed from his robot armor, tells another soldier that she’s just a kid, so don’t shoot her. As if they could harm her at all anyway. They want to “bring her in”. Meanwhile, Supergirl’s inner monologue is reeling. “They’re babbling in some weird language I’ve never heard. Could they be helping Zod? Father’s always warning me…”

The terrified soldier tells Supergirl to put her down. She doesn’t understand; she asks him in her own language, again, to just tell her where she is and what’s going on.

WHAMM!

That’s the sound of some other blowjob entering the scene. Some Superman blowjob. It’s Superman.

And Supergirl thinks she’s dreaming again.

Final Thoughts

I still don’t know anything about Supergirl! And now Superman already showed up? Boo! Hiss! That’s gonna ruin it for me.

Zod, though! I’ve heard of that guy.