Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #9 – “Like Daughter”! In the previous installment, the accidentally-destructive Supergirl gets cornered by the military in New York City, but she gets saved by some young Irish bird with a white pixie cut named Siobhan. Siobhan has special powers too, like being able to speak Krypton after only hearing three words of it. Also, she’s the Silver Banshee, but I’ll get to that later.

So, Siobhan is the Silver Banshee and her dad shows up as the Black Banshee and they have to fight now.

Also, Siobhan is a musician and Supergirl will live with her in her shitty Queens apartment.

And they won’t have sex. Sorry.

Onward!

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #9 [July, 2012]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“Like Daughter”

Thirteen years ago in hazy, gray Ireland, a very young Siobhan is carried across the plains by her older brother Patrick Ryan Liam Connor Cillian O’Reilly. Her mother, Maeve Aoibhe Saoirse Clodagh Sinead Niamh O’Reilly, is in tow. “It’s no use, Tom [oh, the brother is named Tom, ok, that’s a shitty name], he’ll find us wherever we go,” Mom says like a really Debbie O’Downer.

Siobhan sees a shepherd with his sheep in the distance. “What a lovely young family, but looking so lost…” he says. Siobhan’s brother starts hollering at him to stay back and/or get away and/or go fuck himself.

The shepherd turns into their awful, ugly dad. Their dad with the glowing blue eye. “NOW GIVE ME MY DAUGHTER,” he rumbles in that putrid brown speech balloon. Mom takes Siobhan and runs for the hills! “I’ll never let you have her,” says Tom. “The curse ends here.”

Yeah right, bro. It’s not your choice. There is a destiny. She has the “gift”. You’re just getting in the way, punk, and he will kill you if he has to.

Tom is like “bring it on, cocksucker”. Tom’s blood prevents harm from Dad’s magic. The firstborn son can end the curse! So take him if you want him, but so help him god if you get within 10 yards of Siobhan then Tom will slit his wrists and smear blood all over your stupid craggy face, sir.

Looks like the kid is getting all calm and righteous. Good for him.

Think about what you’re doing, son! You have so much to offer! Siobhan can’t offer shit! She’s useless! Just give her up so we can go to Arby’s!

Dad gets mad at this crap. He wanted Siobhan, not Stinky Tom. But Tom declared it to be so, and now Dad has no choice because he is Bound by the Laws of Arbitrary Curse Logic. So Dad sucks him up into some sort of void in his chest and they both disappear into the mists. Mom cries. Siobhan asks where Tom went. It’s pretty sad, actually. Let’s pretend it never happened.

IN THE PRESENT, in Queens where Fran Drescher was born, Supergirl watches as Siobhan transforms into that Silver Banshee thing in order to fight her father, the Black Banshee thing. Kara is kind of bummed that her first friend on Earth has a lot of baggage. She was hoping that she could take a break from all the running and fighting. It’s not like Fran Drescher has any supernatural powers or enemies. Sure, she might be 91 years old, but having old friends isn’t so bad! Anyway.

Black Banshee smiles as his daughter embraces her power. It must feel good, like a 45-minute orgasm or that first bite into a Choco Taco. Kara is like “on this planet I’m invulnerable and strong as fuck, but oh no this guy is scary”. Siobhan tells Kara to run, but Kara is still freaked out about the whole Silver Banshee thing. She looks like a skull with a pixie cut. Definitely uncouth.

“I’m not leaving you here!” Kara finally says to Silver Banshee.

“I should hope not, my fair young thing,” Black Banshee butts in. “The souls of these commonfolk will sustain me for a time… but your soul… I can taste it already… your soul will feed me like no other!”

Don’t scream too loud, Ms. Banshee. You’ll wake the baby.

Black Banshee invites his daughter to eat Kara out as well (lol), but Silver Banshee is not into that. She screeches a weird silver bolt of light through Black Banshee’s head, which causes him to collapse backward. The girls take advantage of these 30 microseconds by running out of the club.

“Siobhan, what’s going on?”

“I never wanted ye tae see me like this! Aagh… God, I fergot the pain,” Black Banshee says, misspelling words all Irishy. “It’s me… me family’s secret, Kara. Me family’s curse… I thought I could leave it behind me back home. I thought I had it under control. Being near that… must have triggered it again… Oh Kara, I’ve put ye in terrible danger!”

What Siobhan needs is some Lucky Charms! Kara rips off herc clothes, revealing the Supergirl costume that she wasn’t supposed to be wearing. “I won’t let you face it alone.”

Isn’t that sweet? *gag* *barf* *moo*

Black Banshee busts through the brick wall, scaring the bejesus out of the two girls. Silver Banshee crumples to the ground. Supergirl grimaces, then growls, then scowls, then scrimaces, then launches herself toward Jerk Daddy. “I won’t let you hurt her!” she bellows. Black Banshee’s voice, his forceful scream, blows Supergirl backward just as fast as she was approaching. Which was pretty fast! “NNNNH–!” she says. That’s a great way to begin an awful slur, you racist!

A crowd gathers around. Supergirl has been addled by Black Banshee’s scream. She can see the skeletons of everyone around her – her vision is going haywire! A man tries to help her, but she accidentally throws him across the street! That isn’t going to help her reputation around her much, that’s for sure. “What’s happening to me?” she asks herself.

I’ve been blinded by science yet again!

While Supergirl is incapacitated by Blue Eyeball Syndrome, Silver Banshee gets up and screams a couple of cars into Black Banshee’s direction. They crush him to the road. They were shitty cars anyway. One of them looks like a Ford Focus. Get a better car, loser.

Silver Banshee cackles. She cackles alarmingly enough that it scares Supergirl. “GET BACK!!!” Silver Banshee blurts at Supergirl. “Or are ye lookin’ to be next, girl?”

She snaps out of it momentarily and apologizes for being a Banshee Bitch there for a second. Supergirl has regular eyeballs again so she’s back in the game! ACTION! THIS ISSUE IS ALL ABOUT THE ACTION! Silver Banshee will have time to explain everything that’s going on once this little family feud is over. But it’s not over. Oh no, it keeps on happening. Black Banshee gets up and fights back again.

He comments that he can’t seem to steal Supergirl’s soul. Probably because souls are fucking fake. “Guess I’ll just have to destroy your body instead,” he says. That’s not very nice! Destroying bodies while they’re still alive isn’t nice! Kill her first then destroy her! I mean, come on!

Supergirl gets up and tries some banshee screamin’ of her own. The attempt is pathetic. Black Banshee screams at her again, sending her flying back, addling her again. Rinse and repeat.

Supergirl can feel the heat behind her eyes building beyond her control. She yells at everyone gathered around to get back. In Krypton, of course, so no one can understand her. She fires some eyeball heat beams at a nearby car, exploding the shit out of it. It looks like a Ford Escort. Shitty car.

Siobhan tries to help, but Supergirl just keeps on heating up! She glows a brilliant orange and screams in agony.

“Delicious,” smiles Black Banshee.

“Father! What’ve ye done to her?!”

“Merely unlocked the power that was already there. Isn’t she magnificent?”

Supergirl is going to explode into 9,000,000 pieces, but she takes advantage of the few last precious seconds.

Eat my yellow fists, you old hot dog!

Supergirl goes right through him! Or rather, into him, much like dear Tom. Black Banshee doubles over in pain. She gave herself freely to him, and now he’s absorbing all her power! He feels rejuvenated like he just drank a gallon of Gatorade Frost Riptide Rush! “Ye’ve failed, Siobhan. Just like yer brother did years ago.”

“He thought he could stop me too. He learned the truth. I hoped ye’d embrace your destiny. I thought we could remake this world together. But I was wrong. And now… THE BLACK BANSHEE RULES ALONE!”

He lifts his daughter up off the ground by her throat. It looks painful. Good thing this issue ended well!

Final Thoughts

All action and no substance, baby! That’s how I like my New 52!

Sigh.