Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: Birthright, Issue #10 – “Part Ten”! Aptly named, just like the similarly creative ”Part Four”. In the previous installment, Superman gets to have another one-on-one pow wow with Lex Luthor regarding Luthor’s intense motivation to defame Superman at all costs. The reason? Superman embarrassed him in public.

There’s nothing Superman can really do to stop it, since he’s a nice guy who’s not going to uppercut a bitch anytime soon. Plus, Lex has the kryptonite, which I suppose you could say is Superman’s kryptonite! Hey, that’s where that expression comes from! Isn’t that amazing?!

Superman: Birthright, Issue #10 [July, 2004]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Part Ten”

Metropolis is now being attacked by a Robot Godzilla Bug creature, emblazoned with the Superman ‘S’ logo, which is obviously Lex’s next move. Superman’s going to have to try punching a large robot a bunch of times now, which worked so well for Ms. Marvel. Oops, wrong comic publisher! Sorry, I’ll “never” let that happen “again”.

Nice cover art. How is Superman supposed to save anyone when he’s too busy skeletonizing in front of everybody? Humiliating.

The streets are riddled with terrified, stampeding people. Clark Kent is busy frantically trying to become Superman behind a large rooftop billboard, looking way over his head with this one. The Metropolis skyscape is festooned with burning buildings; smoke billowing into the air, poking more holes into the ozone layer like Swiss cheese!

“Oh god, look out–! Superman, don’t hurt us–!” yells a couple of morons on the street once Superman flies into view, literally 500 times smaller than the giant thing that’s actually attacking the city and hurting people. Superman tells people to run, but instead a couple of cops start firing at his chest. At this provocation, Superman just has a speech balloon with a large “?” in it. All like “daaarrrr, bullets??”

“Damn it, I’m not the enemy,” he hollers, eyes turning red like he’s the enemy, “I’m on your side!” he yelps, smashing up a leg joint of the Monster Robot, shattering metal into pieces that may or may not be falling and crushing civilians below! So much for being a man of the people.

Yeah, you and everyone else in the city, dingus.

Jimmy Olsen is snapping photos of the scene directly outside of a window. He’s got a pretty good view! Close enough to get killed in twelve seconds. He’s on the phone with Perry White for half a sentence before Lois snatches the phone from White to get Jimmy’s scoop. “How does something that size ‘suddenly appear’ in our airspace without NORAD flipping out?” she asks in disbelief. Oh, I know this one! NORAD is too busy tracking Santa Claus. Glad I could help.

Good thing Jimmy Olsen is the only motherfucker in this one-horse town with a camera, because he’s getting pretty damnable evidence right now that Superman, the alleged invader, is trying to stop an invasion. Lois is getting moist in the loins just looking that these undeniable photos that Jimmy sent to her computer, safe and sound, with no risk of getting ruined or tampered with or photoshopped or Snapchatted and removed in 30 days! Good stuff, really 14th-page caliber photography.

Humanoid robot dudes with large anti-riot shields start filing out from the giant bug robot mothership, speaking a language with letters you won’t be able to find on the Character Map. And believe me, I just tried. I spent like six hours looking. The script is all diamondy.

Near the top of the very, very tall Lexcorp building, Luthor orders for his building to be evacuated. “I have a plan to save Metropolis from the Kryptonians,” he tells his secretary, explaining his decision to stay put in his office. I’ll bet his plan amounts to turning a switch to the OFF position. “I must not be distracted. No admittance to this office. None.” Ah, ok, he’s going to get completely naked and scare the invaders into submission. I like that plan!

But first, Luthor intends to create more chaos. He hits a special “ACTIVATE XENOGRID” key on his laptop that he installed just in case he needed to activate the xenogrid. Days like those are inevitable.

Keep making ugly faces and it’ll freeze that way, Jimmy. Oh never mind, it’s way too late.

Superman’s actions start looking fairly dodgy and inconsistent from a third-party perspective. Come to find out that this “xenogrid” that has been “activated” appears to be kryptonite-related! Superman’s vision is clouded with swirling, green, misty apparitions. He crashes into a goddamn wall or something.

The police down below warn all the civilians to stay off the streets. The National Guard are on their way! *trumpet fanfare*

Superman gets thrown to the ground, either by opposing forces or by his own damn kryptonite-addled incompetence. Either way, he’s losing miserably, looking like garbage, not at all heroic.

“Stop…put down your weapons,” Superman croaks while 70 officers and a guy who looks like John Dillinger keep their weapons up and then fire those weapons right at his face. This appears to affect him this time; perhaps kryptonite makes you unfortunately susceptible to bullets aimed at your eyeballs.

“Freeze! Put your hands where we can see them! Do it!” screams the R. Lee Ermey of the brigade. Superman doesn’t put his hands where anyone can see them. He starts running through the alley ways, banging into garbage comically as he flails around.

Catch him! He’s scurrying away like the diseased rat that he is!

The team of military and police personnel lose him at a dead end. Clark is immediately seen in the crowd, glasses on, button-down shirt rumpled, banged-up and frowning. “Kent? I didn’t see you there. White’s got you chasing this story, huh?” says a journalist peer who I don’t know the name of. Let’s just call her Moxie Crimefighter! “You’re gonna run with the big dogs, you need to get in better shape,” she says, eyeballing the panting dumbass by her side.

Clark ignores all of that and starts meandering down the ruined city streets. People are looting. Cars are on fire. It looks like Detroit, except…you know, safer.

Back at the Daily Planet newsroom, Perry White is trying to rile his team up! Get them looking for more scoops! What do you mean the guy disappeared! LOOK FOR HIM! Perry wants photos of Superman! J. Jonah Jameson-style! Whoops, wrong comic publisher! I did it again!

He spots Clark and, with laser focus, aims his ire in his direction. He’s a huge target, it makes it quite easy. “KENT! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?” he shouts three centimeters from Clark’s face, showering him in spit that likely reeks of unfiltered Pall Malls and rubbing alcohol. “If you don’t walk in with a story, then you don’t get to come and go at your leisure!”

Way to go, Clarky, you’ve lost your wandering-around privileges. Stay at your desk or Perry White will super glue your butt to your chair. And then your face to your butt.

So help me God, even if there’s a fucking apocalypse your ass is staying right there in that seat.

I forget this guy’s name who shows up now to tell Perry White that the port authority has closed off all the bridges and tunnels. He’s the one who was getting into a shouting match with Lois Lane before Clark’s interview. Quentin Galloway, I had to look that shit up. He heard word that the power plant was vaporized! But the lights are still on! Get someone out there to report, goddamnit!

Meanwhile, the mayor is calling the office asking for a precise number of invading Kryptonians, which gives Perry White ample time to slip away from Grumpy Galloway. In turn, Galloway starts to focus his ire at Clark, who looks like he’s about to puke.

“Don’t just sit there, man! I want a… a… I want a piece on how Lexcorp is coping with the crisis,” says Galloway, fumbling for something he can wring news out of right now. Clark doesn’t wanna. Galloway tells him to do it. Clark doesn’t wanna.

“Lexcorp’s a major advertiser, and they like to see their name online! That means that if Lex Luthor wants his butt kissed and I say do it, you pucker up,” Galloway demands to a fuming Clark Kent. Just a real miserable pile of frowns, this one. He’d probably like to kill this dick-swining publisher. If he wasn’t Superman, I guess.

Sir, yes sir, right away sir, and thank you for puffing your cigar right in my handsome chiseled face, sir.

So instead of working, Clark starts chatting with his mom again. She and Jon caught wind of the Metropolis-sized robot bug attacking Metropolis right now. You ok, son? Do you need a Band-Aid?

Clark is NOT fine, Mother. Somehow, somewhere, somewhence, somehither, Lex Luthor is spreading the kryptonite radiation all over town and he’s got a tummyache.

“Then come home. Let the army deal with the aliens,” Martha nudges. She just made cookies and she needs a big, strong man at home to help her eat them!

Clark knows that this ain’t aliens. This is all Lex Cuntface Luthor’s doing, all because he’s an insecure little shithead, Ma! Any second now he’s going to stop the carnage and act the hero, while ME, the REAL HERO, can’t be heroic! It’s not fair! Wah!

Jon starts chatting now, and tells his whiny son that he should just let Lex Luthor be the hero he wants to be, especially if it means Clark is safe and not dead and bleeding out the ears and rectum and whatever else kryptonite does. Who cares? Who CARES, kiddo? Come on, now.

Clark drafts up a resignation letter. It looks like a suicide note.

It almost worked. Pa and Ma Kent almost convinced their boy to give up and go home. He’s almost out the building’s back door with his little box of desk stuff, but Lois catches him. “Are you leaving? Get back to your desk and write!” she hollers, but the sad-sack has already made his decision. “I can’t do anything for them,” he grumbles, referring to the public that “needs the news”. But he’s really just sad that he can’t Superman around in a city run by Stinky Lex Luthor.

“You spineless worm. And to think I stood up for you!” Lois growls, hating nothing more than a quitter. A news quitter. A spineless news-quittin’ worm.

The worm walks out. So I guess nothing stopped him after all! No more Superman! The story ends here!

But then this happens:

Optimus Prime is gettin’ upset!

This new blowjob cornered a cameraman and made him record this laborious speech. He had sent his troops, the earlier mentioned humanoid robot dudes with large anti-riot shields and the diamond-speak. Now they plan on taking over Metropolis! And Earth! And I don’t think Lex Luthor has much to do with this anymore…

“We command unimaginable power. We possess superior weapons. We are Kryptonians. We are invincible. There is no one who may challenge us.”

Amen.

This Van-Gar guy, he sets fire to a giant plot of Metropolis land that is now just rubble. It forms a brand in the shape of the ‘S’ shield. You can probably see it from space!

And less than two minutes after Clark quits being Superman, he decides to be Superman. And he’s going to fight!

Final Thoughts

This part sounds boring! I don’t want to see Superman fight some nobody named Van-Gar! Who cares? I want to see more kryptonite incapacitation and the pants-pooping inherent in such a poisoning. I want to see more pants-pooping.