Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “Son of Superman (Part 1)”! I read the Superman: Rebirth one-shot and I’m not impressed. Let’s see if this continues the story, because apparently Real Superman is dead and there’s some sort of alternate reality Fake Superman pretending to be Real Superman and he’s all nice and shit, but he has a beard.

So let’s continue that awful thread, shall we?

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #1 [August, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 1)”

“I’m tired of staring at cold stone and graves. The dead don’t want us here. They live on in our thoughts and dreams… our actions… our deeds. The dead want to be us. Out and about. Burning the days. I should know, because back on my world, I died too.”

Fake Superman is monologuing like a motherfucker about how he got a second chance to live, while Regular Real Superman didn’t. He’s staring at Clark’s grave, nestled cozily between his parents’ graves. “I know you’re not coming back. Sleep well, brother.”

Superfake mentions some guy named Mr. Oz and also “all the stuff that has happened” and I’m sitting here, like, I’m not going to read thousands of Superman comics to catch up to what the fuck is going on here. I’m gonna wing it like usual. Superfake rips open his coat, revealing a buff chest with the trademark “S” (for “Salad Shooter”). I guess I should just call this fella “Superman” then from now on, huh? For all intents and purposes, this guy is a Super Man.

We open our story at the Smith Farm, three hundred miles north of Metropolis. A lightning strike starts a barn fire in the middle of the night, which is exactly what happened in Chicago that one time when the cow shot lightning from its udders. The kid who lives on the farm got the crap scared out of him, and all the animals were running around terrified. “But they didn’t have to worry. My dad is Superman.”

Ah, the ol’ Bill Clinton thumb.

The kid gives a thumbs-up and a dimpled little Damien smile.

The family has a cozy little existence. A cat named Goldie. 40,000,000 acres of hemp, probably. A Lois Lane-counterpart. She throws out a torn flannel shirt, on account of Big Muscles. She likes Fake Clark’s no-beard look. The little boy is named Jon and he wants to start rebuilding the barn, but there’s shit to do first. Shit like, uh, clearing away the remnants of the old barn. “Promise to keep your powers holstered when I’m not around?” Fakey asks Jon, and Jon gives a little “yessir!” salute.

The kid starts running around with his cat until he spots a hawk in the sky. The hawk, having a penchant for eating delicious cats, grabs Goldie in its talons and flies off. Jonny Boy fires a huge burst of fiery energy from his eyes. “LET HER GO!” he screams.

He chars both the bird and the cat to a crisp. It’s actually pretty graphic! Finally, some entertainment!

So, Jon broke his promise after exactly ten seconds. He’s going to have to eat his dead cat for dinner as a punishment. He cries over the corpse of his deceased pet as a little girl stares at him. Jon looks ashamed and chagrined, to say the absolute least!

“Clark” is busy lifting a truck over his head for no readily discernible reason. “Chores done, kiddo?” he smiles. Jon hangs his head down like Charlie Brown. “Um, yeah. All done.” Jon decides to let his Pops put the barn up himself. He’s suddenly not feeling like a good barn-raisin’ right now. The stench of burnt cat hangs in his nostrils.

I suppose we can do some semi-nude hot-oil wrestling another time, son.

Fake Clark’s wife is named Lois, which is nuts to me. And Fake Clark’s name is Clark. Even more nuts. Over dinner, Lois asks if anyone has seen Goldie. Jon’s like “BUH”, and then there’s a knock on the door. It’s the girl that noticed Jon frying his cat. “Hi. Hope it’s not too late to stop by.” YES, IT’S ABSOLUTELY TOO LATE. DON’T YOU SEE US SAYING GRACE AT OUR DINNER TABLE, HEATHEN SCUM??

She carries bottles of milk. Lois introduces her family to the girl as she walks into the house. The girl is named Kathy Branden, and her father just bought a dairy farm down the way. Enjoy this milk as a gift. It’s not even pasteurized!

“Oh, Kathy, on your way over did you catch sight of a golden yellow cat prancing around and causing trouble?” Lois asks. Kathy frowns with eyes as wide as saucers. Jon gives her the “shut the fuck up” eyes. She denies seeing the cat and shoves off. Jon is writhing in agony.

Lois and Clark smile; it’ll be nice to have neighbors! And a pretty girl about Jon’s age, to boot! Fast friends, I’m sure. Even if the first impression was cat homicide. Jon grumbles about the secret life they’re all living. Lois writes under a secret name. Clark is secretly a Superhero. Jon is secretly half-Kryptonian. He’s sick of the lies and deceit!

Clark looks very grave as he tells his worthless, ungrateful cat-killing son that this is all in his best interest – their best interest.

I HATE LIVING THIS WAY, FAILING ALL THE SCHOOL LIE DETECTOR TESTS!

After Clark sends Jon to his room, Jon stares out the window and cries bitter tears. Suddenly… in broad moonlight… Batman and Wonder Woman approach the farm. Superman, fully garbed, goes outside to chat. Jon hears snippets of the conversation, mostly about how dangerous Jon could be with his powers. They all catch Jon’s eye in the window, who stumbles backwards and breaks a lamp in his pursuit to get away from the window as fast as he can before Batman throws a batamarang right in his eyeball.

Jon waits in the dark. Then he hears footsteps coming up the hallway.

The door creaks open.

A rather menacing figure of good-ol’ Superman Dad stands in the doorway.

“Quickly and quietly. You’re coming with me.”

Jon Kent poops his underroos.

Final Thoughts

VERY COMPELLING *fart*

Good to see that they’ve already moved past the whole FAKE SUPERMAN thing, sort of, and moved on to calling everyone Lois and Clark again. And Superboy? Is this little pissant Superboy then?

Superman is going to beat little Jonny Kent within an inch of his life for burning their cat. It’s going to be very graphic and it’s going to take up the next seventeen issues.