Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Son of Superman (Part 5)”! In the previous installment… you know what. This shit is too dumb. Superman is dumb.

Superman flew his family to the moon in a submarine. He’s got a plan. Let’s read about his dipshit plan that’s only going to work because Peter Tomasi is a moron with bad ideas.

They’re almost on the moon. Little Jonny notices a lunar rover. Lois makes sure that her husband can hear their frantic cries of “WHY ARE WE GOING TO THE FUCKING MOON??” I mean, first the Eradicator and now this? What a Tuesday!

Superman (Vol. 4), Issue #5 [October, 2016]
Written by: Peter Tomasi
“Son of Superman (Part 5)”

Superman has dragged their asses to the frigid and scary dark side of the moon. NASA can’t detect them. Other satellites can’t detect them. (Editor’s Note: These are both completely false statements, like, holy shit.) They’re safe for now.

“Dad, why did we run and leave all those people with the Eradicator?” Jon asks nervously.

“Sun Tzu said ‘He will win who knows when to fight and when not to fight,’” Superman responds in the most copout way I could imagine. Lois translates: “Your father’s taking this battle to another place to keep Metropolis safe… a place that allows him not to hold back.”

Bingo bango.

So Superman is going to hide his family in a cold-ass crater. Apparently, APPARENTLY, Batman has a moon base! And Superman discovered it by following him one day when he wasn’t looking. And Superman’s going to access the secret base with the robot sentry bats flying at them. And it’s huge and big and not at all cozy and also this story is stupid as shit.

“Why don’t you just call in the Justice League, Dad… we can have a team-up and kick the Eradicator’s butt together.” Jon smiles like he would like to beat someone up besides the Jewish kid at school (for being Jewish, of course, because Jon’s a little antisemite).

Superman says this is a family affair! He doesn’t want to involve them! So there you go, kid. More bullshit excuses just like those will be in your future as well.

Stop wetting the bed for a while, then we’ll talk.

Plus, Jon’s too young and not ready for superheroing, which makes him hang his head in shame. Lois gets mad! “Clark, our son has to be made ready to handle himself and deal with whatever comes his way. The more we overprotect him, the bigger our disservice. It’s literally a new world. Jon needs you to be his Obi-Wan.”

Obi-Wan died like an idiot, though! After spending decades stinking up Tatooine! Useless and sad!

Don’t look now, by the way, but the Eradicator has arrived to the secret, impenetrable moon base and is ready to rumble! “RUN — FIND COVER!” Superman screams as he holds off the Eradicating-Type Guy. Mr. Eradicator is like “stop resisting your Kryptonian heritage and assimilate” and Superman is like “PUNCH, KICK, NOOGIE”.

Jon and Lois wonder how they can help Superman, but they’re as useless as a third nipple. Eradicator busts through the wall they’re both hiding behind. “KAL-EL DEBASES HIS INNER SOUL THE LONGER HE REMAINS IN BOTH YOUR PRESENCE. HIS LOVE FOR YOU WILL KILL HIM.” He reaches toward Jon’s face, but Superman slams Eradicator’s head down into the floor. Eradicator keeps yapping. Superman tells him to shut up.

“YOU DEFY YOUR HERITAGE. YOUR BLOOD IS OUR BLOOD. OUR BLOOD IS YOUR BLOOD. THAT IS WHY YOU DO NOT FIGHT WITH FULL FORCE. YOU ARE FEARFUL OF HARMING THE KRYPTONIANS WITHIN US.”

And home is where you get nearly tortured to death, apparently.

So that panel above indicates that Eradicator has sucked up Superman (and his soul) like a wet piece of spaghetti. “IT IS ACCOMPLISHED,” the Eradicator smiles. Jon tells the jerk to spit his dad back out. Eradicator, of course, does not comply! He doesn’t listen to little nerd kids.

“Open your mouth now… OR I’LL OPEN IT FOR YOU!” Jon shrieks as he blasts Eradicator with his cat-killing fiery eyes. Eradicator’s head is aflame, but is he hurt? Nay! He presses on.

Jon hides from this Spooky Man.

“THERE IS NO SHAME. YOUR BIRTH WAS NOT OF YOUR OWN CHOOSING. BUT YOU COULD ALLOW YOUR DEATH TO BE. YOU WOULD HAVE OUR RESPECT.”

This Eradicator really wants to kill this kid, huh? Get a hobby.

Jon continues running away while the Eradicator gives chase. This happens for a lot of panels. Eradicator says some of the same stuff. Meanwhile, Lois finds her way into a giant… mechanical… Batman… robot… thing. “GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY SON!” she screams mechanically as this Batbot slams Eradicator into the fucking dirt.

It’s the Hellbat suit, and it’s a ripoff of the Iron Man suit in many ways. Lawyer up, DC.

Eradicator hoists himself up out of the floor. “WE ARE GENUINELY SURPRISED BY YOUR PERSEVERANCE AND INGENUITY. BUT NOTHING YOU DO CAN STOP US…”

Ouch! Fire! You’re right, I’ve learned the error of my ways!

While Eradicator tries burning the Hellbat suit to a crisp, Jon jumps in again to burn Eradicator to a crisp. Give him back his dad right now! Wah!

Jon burns him. Hellbat Lois punches him. They both keep him pretty subdued, actually. Like a DOG.

Meanwhile, Superman confers with the ghostly, skeletonized spirits trapped with him. All like “your spiritual energy feeds the beast” and “this is gonna be risky.”

“LET’S DO THIS TOGETHER!” Superman yells while he becomes filled with the incandescent energy of many Kryptonian spirits! Just getting waterlogged with Kryptonian spirits. Getting all up there in his guts.

Eradicator is in the middle of killing Jon when he suddenly goes “HRKK” and “GAAK”. Then Superman leaps out of his mouth (TAH-DAH!) and is all like “thanks, fam, for doing your thing, but I got it from here!”

And Superman has it from here. Bing bang boom comic over.

Final Thoughts

Dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. Don’t care. Hate Superman. Wish he was dead. Fuck that guy. Boo-urns. Etc.