Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1) Issue #3 – “Wannabe”! As in, if you wannabe his lover you gotta get with his friends. In the previous installment of the series, Peter Parker is a kid whose life was changed by a spider in much the same way that Tyrion Lannister’s life was changed by a Spider, but Tyrion Lannister is a dwarf and Peter Parker seems to have gotten some superpowers, such as finally being mean back to high school jerks and not wearing glasses anymore. Other things too, but I forget already! Oh yeah, being snarky and angsty? I’m sure that was the spider too.

Parker’s transformation from meek loser to confident loser is the talk of the high school, especially since he accidentally broke Flash “Sporty Spice” Thompson’s hand during a fight. Now the Parker family has to pay Flash’s extravagant hospital bills and Peter feels like a real heel! Which is funny because this issue is about wrestlers! All this superhero chicanery is drawing the attention of corporate genetics supervillain Norman Osborne, who seems convinced after a few observations and quick tests of Parker courtesy of scary Doctor Octavius that he should experiment on himself too. Ooooooh, spooky. Let’s roll the tape:

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [December, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Wannabe”

Peter “Posh Spice” Parker is a real subject of intrigue down at Osborne Labs! Norman is holding a meeting where they’re going over some crystal clear closeup surveillance footage of Parker getting his ass handed to him by the lab’s death spider. The scientists were certain that the death spider was going to kill Parker to death, but against anyone’s expectations the death spider made Parker feel very much alive instead! Norman is giddy on the inside about the possibility of advancing human evolution using modified DNA technology and proposes to his team a study to recreate the incident using himself as a test subject. He literally uses the word “mainline” to describe the process of genetically altering his DNA and injecting it back into his body, which is cool slang word that the cool heroin kids use for their drug-having hobbies. The scientists are more than shocked, except for Doc Ock who’s standing there smirking with his Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber bowl cut.

Elsewhere, Peter Parker and MJ “Ginger Spice” Watson are hanging out at the local wrestling arena to watch muscular half-naked men hug each other for an afternoon or so. Some big lumpy bald guy named CRUSHER HOGAN is challenging the audience to a game of wrestling. This guy has some sort of symbol tattooed on his forehead that possibly looks like a Mandarin Chinese and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it was, so I’m just going to assume it’s the symbol for “fart” and move on. The image is there on the left, if anyone knows what that symbol is please don’t hesitate to never ever post a comment ever about it ever.

MY NAME IS CRUSHER HOGAN AND I GUARANTEE THAT I WILL THE LUMPIEST WRESTLER YOU WILL FIGHT TODAY.

The emcee is all “WHO. HERE. HAS. WHAT. IT. TAKES. TOTAKEONCRUSHERHOGAN?? THEGIANTMANBABY!” Our favorite bald high school student Kong wants a piece of the action, but the emcees turns him away on account of him being a bald high school student. “No way! Oh my! Total rip! Total dis!” Kong says, dejected. Flash nudges Parker to give it a shot, but Parker gives him a stony glare and tells him that he should try so that he could sue his family if he loses. Burn! MJ excuses herself before she “slips on all the testosterone”. Double burn!

Back at the Parker house, Peter is putting together a costume. My guess is that he’s going to try beating up bald shirtless men at the ol’ fightin’ hole?

And I’m right! “Hey Medicine Ball, ya ready for me?” Parker taunts as he bounds into the ring dressed in a ski mask and a cardigan! Excitement! I am CREAMING my PANTALOONS in suspense! Parker starts hugging Crusher “Baby Spice” Hogan for a bit, then hoists him over his head like a dang sack of flour! Then he throws him down to the floor! Bing bang boom! Rata-tat-tat! Who loves ya baby? Crusher Hogan is down! Va-va-voom! Awooogah! Honk honk!

“Who are you, masked mystery man?! Unveil yourself to the crowd!” The emcee declares. Fat chance, pops. Parker grabs the cash out of the emcee’s hand and basically hops away, but not before securing another gig in a few days. Hotcha!

We see an envelope slip under the front door of the Parker household. Ben “Scary Spice” Parker frowns skeptically, but is soon delighted to see a stack of cash with a note from the school! It seems that the faculty all pitched in to help the Parkers pay for Flash Thompson’s medical bills. Flash is rude and Peter is great! There’s more where this came from! What a joy!

Wham! Total Wham! Like, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, son!

Parker’s defeat of Crusher Hogan is the talk of the school. Everything Peter Parker ever does is the talk of the school! The great, infallible Peter Parker is so goddamned famous now just because a spider bit his dick off. I’m not jealous at all! Parker isn’t even listening to MJ, he’s eavesdropping in on the conversation about him in the hallway with a big goofy grin on his face. Coach Mr. Basketball approaches him and asks if he’s up for playing on the team again since Flash is hurt. Only when Flash has a public freakout does Parker agree to hang back after school for practice, prompting Kong to say “MAAAAYYNN!”. The world’s frowniest furrowed brow is present on Flash’s face. The audience (me) laughs heartily. Kong probably laughs fartily.

We see a montage of Parker “owning the court basketball-style”, as my own mother might say. Parker does so well, in fact, that MJ wants to suck his spidey dick right then and there on the court! But she holds back, good for her. She does catch him alone in the school hallway after the basketball game so she can suck his dick! But she doesn’t ask him that, she asks him if he’s still available Monday night to work on geometry homework (and to suck his dick). Parker, of course, has a prior engagement! He needs to beat up the bald wrestling man again for money! No dick-sucking today, sir!

Oh Crusher. How the mighty have fallen.

Parker, indeed, beats up the bald wrestling man again. After the emcee asks for Parker’s stage name, Parker says “uhhh, the spider?”, and the emcee declares “THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN” the victor! And history is made.

Ugh, the issue isn’t over yet?

Strap me in, Ock! Take me to your wildest dreams!

After the fight, the emcee hands Parker the money in the hallway and demands a phone number so that he can be contacted, which Parker cheekily refuses to give out. “Listen, this anonymous stuff is for the birds, my friend.” the guy says like a real hardass, pointing a threatening finger at this 15-year-old kid. He then tells Parker to show up again Friday night, and hands him a new costume because he looks like a dork in his salmon turtleneck cardigan sweater.

At the Parker household, Ben and May are flipping their wigs over another envelope of money from their mysterious, charitable benefactor, while Peter admires how much his new Spider-Man costume accentuates his sexy-ass teenage muscles!

At Osborne labs, Harry walks in on Norman getting strapped into a chair by a whole team. Understandably, this freaks Harry out. Norman, #1 Dad of the Year, tells his kid to fuck off.

Doc Ock asks Norman if he’s ready, and a button is pushed. Norman screams. Doc Ock smiles. Harry, down the hall, is shocked. I’m horny.

Final Thoughts

Don’t look now, but Norman Osborne’s gonna turn into a bad guy! That Peter Parker kid has the annoying bravado of a high school sophomore and I could still kick his fucking ass, and I swear to god I will.

This is a transition issue! Shit’s going to start going down, friends. See you next time, I gotta go. My spidey-sense is tingling, if you know what I mean. Hubba hubba.