Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9 – “Meet the Enforcers”! In the previous installment, J. Jonah Jameson’s never-ending quest for pictures of Spider-Man is sated when young Peter Parker delivers the goods! Jameson even gets him a job at the Daily Bugle, but not as a Spider-Man Picture Taker but as a Website Man. Parker uses the Daily Bugle database to try to find info about his uncle’s murderer, but gets sidetracked within 18 nanoseconds after learning about a New York City crime boss named Wilson Fisk – “The Kingpin”, as it were, who I already heard a lot about from my first foray into Daredevil. Parker has a new mission now: take down the kingpin.

Oh, Peter Parker. Haven’t you ever watched The Wire? The king stay the king! The game is the game. RIP Omar.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #9 [July, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Meet the Enforcers”

A group of three gangster-type street toughs are loitering on a secluded side of a building talking about taking down, of all things, a McDonald’s, because one of them “doesn’t like the place” and is “sick of looking at it all the time”. The other two give him shit for this, and the third guy confesses that he applied for a job there in high school and they turned him down! One of these guys looks like Squiggy in a pinstripe suit, one guy looks like he’s in a high school production of one of the Indiana Jones movies (the shittiest one), and one guy looks like if Mr. Clean signed for the WWE just so he could sit on Hulk Hogan a few times. “Do you know what the Kingpin would do if you went and knocked over a Mickey Dee’s without his thumbs-up?” the third-rate Harrison Ford one asks. Oh boy! Are we gonna meet the Kingpin??

Maybe not! Because these three haven’t either (one claims he has, but he’s probably fucking lying), and if these stellar examples of organized crime haven’t even met the Kingpin, what makes you think that YOU and I are going to meet the Kingpin? We’re not even fit to watch Kingpin starring the cuddly Randy Quaid and the other guy. Where was I?

As these three chatty Cathys start dropping Kingpin tidbits, Spider-Man is spying on them from above on the rooftop. Shortly after the three of them enter the building, Spider-Man SWINGS into action!

Oh man, what a comedian. A regular Sarah Spiderman.

Spider-Man gives them all a free show. He leaps and bounds and kicks off the walls and does flips and cartwheels! A real treat! Spider-Man already knows who these three are! Ox! Montana! “Fancy Dan” Crenshaw! THE ENFORCERS! And we met them! We met the Enforcers! Story’s over!

Huff. OK, so they all get into a tussle. Turns out, wimpy little 95-pound Spider-Man is not really a match for these three. The Indiana Jones gangster literally has a bullwhip, and he wraps it around Spider-Man’s pencil neck, so Spider-Man pretty much loses the fight right there. Indiana Jones is apprehensive about keeping him around, but the giant Mr. Clean guy wearing the “OX” necklace wants to “have some fun with him”, which sounds a little rapey and it probably is! Before Ox gets the chance to put the seductive rape moves on him, Spider-Man leaps out of the way (bullwhip still choking the air out of his stupid little body) and slams Indiana Jones into Ox. He then shoots them with spider cum.

Haha, lol. Money shot.

Then he throws Fantastic Sam or whatever his name is into the other two. Once these three scallywags have been subdued, Spider-Man asks them to take him to the Kingpin. “Well, why didn’t you say so?” says a fourth guy who just popped in, dressed in a suit and a hat like fucking Sam Spade or some shit. This cigarette smoking guy starts mocking his plan. “See, just because we work in his territory doesn’t mean we get to hang with him. This isn’t his clubhouse.” Then he nudges him with a little secret about the Kingpin: if Spider-Man really wants to get in touch with him, if he really wants to get his attention, find something he wants and/or loves and keep it away from him. He hates that! He’s like a puppy or a child or something! Adorable!

Humphrey Bogart then tells him that Fisk is throwing a gala event at his office on Friday, and it’s something that will be very important for his future. Spider-Man asks him why he’s telling him this. “Just because we have to work for him doesn’t mean we have to have his best interests at heart.” Yeah, and that’s how Big Pussy got whacked! Big Pussy! He got whacked! Big Pussy! Just like that! Big Pussy!

The truth is out there.

At this moment, FBI’s very own Scully and Mulder crash their way into the room. They recognize the Spidered One and call for backup. Spider-Man poops his pants for the tenth time since this series began and struggles to squirm his way out of this mess. “Hands in the air…I MEAN IT!” yells Scully, aiming her gun right at his chest. After a few tense character reaction panels, Spider-Man does a backflip. “Oh man, look at the time. I’m going to miss my train.” he says, bounding away lavishly. He gets away quite easily.

The next morning, the Daily Bugle headline reads “SPIDER-MAN: MOB MENACE”. Peter Parker is both sad and pissed. “All I ever did in my short super hero life was help people — and look at this.” Parker moans glumly. Then he weighs the facts: he broke into private property and started a fight for no reason. Whoopsy-daisy!

In the school cafeteria, Kong is being Kong again and spinning yarns the way Spider-Man spins his webs. “So, like, Spider-Man busted up the mafia last night. It was so jake!” he says like a lame 1920s prohibition supporter. Parker is sitting a few chairs away grinning like a fucking monkey, but some girl at the table screams “ENOUGH WITH SPIDER-MAN ALREADY! ENOUGH!” and starts sobbing. Most of Kong’s crew takes her side, much to his complete surprise. He probably thinks everyone else also bought 40 Spider-Man shirts at Spencer’s Gifts. It’s unclear at this time what the problem is, but it’s implied that Spider-Man might be doing more harm than good in the eyes of some of his peers. WE SHALL SEE!

OK! Sounds good. How about “Big Titty Honkers 4”?

MJ pops in overflowing with hormones and nervously asks Parker out to a movie on Friday night. HOWEVER, and man does this keep happening or what, Humphrey Bogart back at the shitty gangster building told him that Fisk’s gala was on Friday! Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck! So he suggests Saturday instead, which stirs up MJ reeeeaal suspicious-like. But she gets over it. Just like how Parker is going to get over MJ on Saturday. Wink wink. Hubba hubba. Awooogah.

Next we see Parker at the Daily Bugle dressed in a puke-green short-sleeved button-down and a burgundy tie like he’s Dwight Schrute. He accosts a particularly grumpy J. Jonah Jameson about the negative Spider-Man stories. When Parker asks him if they could present the Spider-Man story with a more well-rounded perspective, Jameson starts schooling the little punk about journalism. People don’t care about the truth! They want intrigue! A good guy and a bad guy, “they want to cheer and they want to boo”. Parker is salty!

PUT ON YOUR FANCY BOUTONNIERES AND YOUR LACY PUMPS, IT’S TIME FOR “SLOPPY” WILSON FISK’S BUTTFUCKING FRIDAY NIGHT GALA! And what a nicely-dressed fat hunk of shit he is! All dolled up in some horrible tent-sized white suit. He’s about 900 feet tall and his poops probably weigh more than ten Spider-Men. Anyway, Parker did his Fisk homework so now he’s ready to ambush him at his own event.

How come all these costumed heroes and villains only scale buildings during a full moon? That’s only a three-day window per month!

Spider-Man talks us through his breaking-and-entering crime, a series of actions that will likely land him with another frowny headline. “SPIDER-MAN: FISKY BUSINESS” lol

When he spots a camera glinting in the dark corner of the room, he realizes that, perhaps, he had made another mistake…

Squeeze that fucker’s head like a grape!

Final Thoughts

Peter Parker, you twiggy little dumbass! I thought you were supposed to be smart! You were in Fisk’s building for all of 15 seconds, you horrible loser! I hope he crushes your stupid oval head like the fragile egg that it is.