Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #11 – “Discovery”! 9/11 NEVER FORGET, THIS IS THE SEPTEMBER 2001 ISSUE! OH NO, IT’S HAUNTED! In the previous installment, when Spider-Man gets caught breaking and entering into Fisk’s building, he and his goons throw him around, zap him with electricity, unmask him, and toss him out a window! Mr. Big, who looks like Humphrey Bogart, mouths off to Fisk during a debriefing meeting about the Spider-Man infiltration. Fisk takes this with very little stride and crushes Mr. Big’s head with his bare hands after putting the Spider-Man mask on him. He’s tossed in the river for the police and papers to discover.

Not only is Spider-Man on the list of murder suspects, but Peter Parker is his own damn cockblocker with MJ! So fuck him.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #11 [September, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Discovery”

Gotta hand it to the cover artist. Nothing makes me want to rip an issue from the shelves in frothing delight quite like a provocative pose from Spider-Man with zero context about what may be in the issue at all whatsoever. Thanks.

A forlorn Parker is at the school computer lab thinking about how much of a doofus he has been as Spider-Man. He’s been a doofus as Peter Parker too, but one thing at a time. Part of his preoccupation is Mr. Electro-Zappy, who “creeped him out to no end”. He spends his afternoon Googling the surveillance camera company that Fisk uses. He sets up a fake email, uses a fake name, and contacts the company with interest in pursuing their services, stating “my employer attended a party at the Fisk Towers and was very interested in the surveillance technology that they are using”. Parker thinks he’s slick with this, sending emails, dropping Fisk’s name when he didn’t have to whatsoever. Still a doofus.

When he’s at school, a woman named Dr. Bradley (who looks like she could be Peter Parker’s new Aunt May once she kicks the bucket) sits with Parker alone in a classroom. She’s interested in speaking one-on-one with the students about the whole Spider-Man tearing-up-the-school event. Parker is worried!

Show me on the doll where The Spider-Man touched you, if you would please, young man.

And his worries are justified. Dr. Bradley doesn’t want to chat about Spider-Man’s sexy dreaminess! The student body sees Spider-Man as equally of a villainous threat as the Green Goblin! “Took hold of the school”, that’s how she describes the fiasco! They both took hold of the school! Peter Parker is positively FROWNING about this.

Parker perplexes Dr. Bradley right away by insisting that the Green Goblin is Harry Osborne’s dad, which is a doofus thing to bring up in front of a doctor who could write your ticket straight to the looney bin, son. She waves this off though. Reportedly, Parker was trapped under the chalkboard the whole time. “How does that make you feel?” she asks him. “Have you had trouble sleeping?” she asks him. “Were you close with your dead-as-a-doornail uncle?” she asks him. Peter “Harry Potter” Parker gets grumpy about all these questions, fulfilling one of the most overused tropes ever. He asks her if he needs to be here, she informs him that he can go if that’s what he wants to do, and then he sheepishly attempts to leave like a shambling, autistic penguin.

Thinking that this was all about him, thinking that his Spider-Man cover is blown, he runs into a ponytailed girl named Liz in the hallway who is on her way to speak with Dr. Bradley. She’s all sad and unfocused. Parker offers his ear if she ever needs to talk, and I’m pretty sure this nerd has never spoken to Liz in her life so of course she says no immediately. “Why do I feel guilty about Liz,” he asks himself, “it wasn’t my fault that Harry’s dad tried to blow up the school.” Oh wow, maybe it is, did you ever think about that? Shouldn’t have gotten in the way of the big, scary radioactive demon spider, you doofus. Also, who the fuck is Liz? Let’s move on from Liz.

Thank you for your permission, doofus. That really helps.

Parker checks his email and sees he ain’t got squat. On his way to another class, he runs into Marijuana Jane Watson who is still incredibly salty about, you know, being blown off 600 times in two weeks? Some mild high school relationship drama ensues. Will they? Won’t they? Arrrgh! So much suspense! Does she like him? Does she hate him? Does he like her? Does he like Aunt May? Does she like Kong? Does he like J. Jonah Jameson? Does she like Liz? Does Kong like J. Jonah Jameson? Is Wilson Fisk actually Kong’s dad? SO MANY LEGITIMATE RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS! Parker’s internal monologue is reeling! “We’ve never even had a fight in our entire lives and I need to stand her up for one lousy movie, and all of a sudden I’m Charlie Sheen.” Parker pouts. That’s rough, buddy.

It’s not all rain clouds and poop-in-the-cornflakes for Parker, though! He got a positive response from the security company! The 4566 Telech System! It’s very popular amongst the rich assholes and their stupid Fortune 500 companies! Parker is sent a video link about the 4566 Telech System and he grins eagerly as he watches a super-boring technical lecture. It uses ultra-high tech turn-of-the-millenium DVD-burning, labelling, and storing-in-a-giant-ugly-cabinet technology! And, guess what Parker, somewhere in that building there’s a cabinet with a DVD of your pimply, unmasked face!

Time for action!

Fling him out da buildin’ like a spent condom. Badabing badaboom, T.

At Fisk’s office, Fisk and his upper-level cronies are having a meeting regarding Mr. Big’s discovered body. One of them is assuring Fisk that neither his name, his company, nor his organization will be mentioned by the media in conjunction with the murder. Or else. But he doesn’t sound very convincing to me, so it certainly wouldn’t sound convincing to Frowny Fisk either.

Fisk asks his men if they did a sweep of the area. They assure him that there’s been no sign of Spider-Man (even though, as they speak, Spider-Man is doing flips around the area like a doofus). They continue sucking Fisk’s fat little dick for a few more minutes while Spider-Man scurries along the rafters of the building’s framework. The guy manning the security cameras is reading a newspaper, unaware that Spider-Man is eyeing him from about 15 away.

So, once again, Spider-Man is not at all stealthy or subtle, and he throws out some one-liners as he knocks the security officer out cold. Another officer comes in, and Spider-Man loudly incriminates himself right in front of him like the dumb doofus that he is while the officer aims a gun at him. Meanwhile, in Fisk’s office, his men won’t shut up about “not hearing from Spider-Man ever again”, which is going to look very bad in a few seconds.

The security officer shoots his fucking gun right at a pipe, which starts shooting out steam. Then he shoots his fucking gun at a high voltage electrical transformer, which cuts off power to Fisk’s office.

Elsewhere, moments earlier in some fancy meeting room, Fisk’s lower-level cronies (Ox, Indiana Jones, Dapper Dan) are discussing Mr. Big’s murder. Ox is practically weeping with guilt, suggesting that they should turn themselves in to the authorities. Fantastic Dan all but slaps the big oaf, waving a finger at the guy and telling him “NO! SHUT UP! YOU WANT THE KINGPIN TO THROW YOUR CRUSHED-HEAD ASS IN THE RIVER TOO? GO FUCK YOURSELF!” Indiana Jones agrees with Ox, but then the lights go out in their room too. They get called to Fisk’s office.

MR. BIG’S SLEEPIN’ WIT DA FISHIES, OX. WAH!

Spider-Man, having eliminated the security guards, discovers the cabinet of DVDs in the room and successfully rips the door off with his big strong spider muscles. Shocked with disbelief that his efforts actually worked, he paws through the cabinet and finds the discs with the date of his initial intrusion. He pats himself on the back, but if history has taught me ANYTHING it’s that he’s going to be discovered within minutes and Fisk is going to throw his stringy doofus ass out of the building again!

A bolt of electricity whizzes past him! Ha! Eat dirt, spider boy! The Indiana Jones guy wraps his whip around Spider-Man’s neck and holds him down, and the electric guy reassures him “Don’t worry…this will only hurt a lot.”

Final Thoughts

Spider-Man keeps getting tangled in shit that he should never have been involved with in the first place!

DVD discs can be snapped easily, too. He should’ve done that right away.

He also should’ve just stayed home and jerked off. I’ve been saying this for a long time!

Doofus.