Oh man, Happy New Year. 2022, same old shit! Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13 – “Confessions”! A new year for us, a new beginning for Spider-Man. This is the conclusion to the Learning Curve storyline. In the previous installment, a fight breaks out once Fisk’s goons catch Spidey trespassing on the property again. Making short work of all of them, Spidey is on his way out with a backpack full of stolen security footage when Fisk himself (the Final Boss!) shows up. Spidey, again, is victorious.

After snapping the disc containing the video of his unmasking, he sends a DVD of the footage of Fisk crushing Mr. Big’s head into the Daily Bugle office. Ben Urich runs the story. We end with Fisk hiding out in some unknown remote location with his nervous, sweating lawyer promising that he’ll fix it.

Oh yeah, Parker invited MJ over after school the next day. He’s got something to show her! And, to her disappointment, it’s certainly not going to be his dick! Let’s watch that fiasco unfold.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #13 [November, 2001]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Confessions”

Yep, the cover art gives it away.

Parker and MJ are both sitting on his bed. She seems happily antsy, he seems apprehensive and unsure. “Yeah. So, I, uh…I have something to tell you. Something–whoo boy–something big. And…and you…you can’t tell anyone. Ever. EV-ER. You gotta promise me. I mean it, you’ve got to promise me.” Parker stammers all this out, and MJ eagerly says “Okay.” in between each sentence. I think she really, really thinks he’s going to show his dick! I think she really thinks this!

“I’m Spider-Man” he finally tells her. She is taken aback.

And then she bursts out laughing. She laughs so hard she falls off the bed.

And poor Peter, this probably would’ve happened anyway if he showed his dick! Shoulda just showed his dick.

He tells her to pipe down, but she loudly continues her disbelief. So, he whips out his Climb-On-The-Walls gambit. She freezes in shock. He’s all smiley about it. She doesn’t blink. He flips up onto the ceiling. She keeps her eyes glued to him. “You okay?” he asks.

Aaahhh! Stomp it! Squish it! Look at him! He’s an 84-pound puberty boy! Keep it away from me!

She is not okay. She is very loudly not okay. He approaches her to shush her, and she backs herself up against a dresser, terrified.

“What’s going on up there? I don’t want any hanky-panky up there.” yells Aunt May from downstairs. Don’t worry, Aunt May, there’s no hanky…nor is there any panky! Not for another 30 years at least for Peter Parker!

Easy there, MJ. The kid still has problems wiping himself.

MJ has come back to her senses and is back to being delighted. “Peter! You’re a superhero?” she asks with a twinkle in her devilish green eye! He explains his origin story. The spider, the screaming…that’s about it I guess! Spider-Man’s origin story, unlike most superheroes, can be covered in one or two panels. MJ is giddy with joy about this, and she thinks for the splittest of seconds that she was almost bitten by that spider as well. She fawns for another couple of pages, asks him to swing her around the city (“No.” “Please?” “No.” “Come on!” “No.”), and asks him to tell everyone anyway (“Everybody — they love you!”). He, again, tells her to keep quiet, and lays out his reasons for keeping the secret.

She finally calms down and understands. The Kingpin could go after him and his family, the press are all over him, the labs or the government might take him away for research, he might get bludgeoned to death by very large men, yada yada yada. We’ve all been there.

So she asks him why he told her. And he says it’s because of all those times he lied and stood her up over the last six issues! All that running away and not showing up. “You deserve better than that.”

And then there’s some aw-shucks teenage back-and-forth stuff. She knocks him on the forehead and calls him a goofball. “And to think I thought you were just going to kiss me.” MJ says, grinning. And now it’s Parker’s turn to go all “GUH BUH HUH WHAT”, and MJ is all like “eep”. Parker starts putting on the ol’ charm at this point, and they both lean in slowly in the universal mutual act of Don’t-Worry-I-Won’t-Report-This-As-Harassment…

MJ’s totally gonna ream this guy. She’s gonna fill him up.

…then the oldest trope in the book happens. Aunt May knocks on the door AT THAT MOMENT and tells Peter that he has a phone call!

AHHHH! WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WON’T THEY? WILL THEY? WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WILL THEY? WILL THEY? WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WON’T THEY? WON’T YOU? WILL YOU? WON’T YOU? WILL I? WILL THEY? WON’T THEY? WILL WE? WON’T YOU? WILL I? WON’T THEY? GAH!

It’s MJ’s mom. “I didn’t hear the phone ring.” Peter whines. “It didn’t. I called her.” Aunt May says, brow furrowed, eyes staring many a dagger at her pile of hormones she calls a nephew.

MJ’s mom tells her to come home right now and change the litter box. Aunt May still thinks they were fuckin’, no matter how many times either of them deny it. MJ leaves the room smiling while Aunt May keeps talking about how it’s irresponsible for two teenagers to be fuckin’. I mean, Karen Page got AIDS? Ha! Daredevil reference. Watch out for that, I’m gonna pepper in references from time to time to show off comic book knowledge! Karen Page! AIDS!

Oh yeah, like Aunt May didn’t write the book on shenanigans. She wrote the whole encyclopedia.

Peter Parker is LIVID, son! Aunt May twists the knife in harder by asking him if he even knows about the birds and/or bees, and now her face softens because he’s uncomfortable and Aunt May’s not the kind of woman who will turn down an opportunity to fuck with someone! Peter all but cowers in the corner with his hands over his ears and finally says “Uncle Ben told me”, which doesn’t satisfy the old bat! “He told you about the…” she adds, which causes more squirming from the little adolescent. Finally, she gives in and takes her leave.

“You know, your parents met in high school.” Aunt May tells Peter before closing the bedroom door.

Peter Parker plops on his bed, on top of the world.

Final Thoughts

Not a very long write-up, but not a very long issue. A very good storyline overall, and I’m looking forward to continuing with this series. I admittedly still haven’t read much yet, but this is the clear winner. I’ll make a point to circle back to this one sooner rather than later.

Peter Parker gonna get his bone on! *wolf howl*