Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “Taking Advantage”

* Part 4 of 8 of the Double Trouble storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #17 – “Taking Advantage”! In the previous installment, Doc Ock trashes the office of some rich lump of shit named Mr. Hammer. Spider-Man investigates the scene and, while eavesdropping on a conversation between Hammer and a couple of S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, learns about the whole situation with Osborn Labs and what became of Dr. Octavius.

Also, a Crocodile Hunter wannabe travels to America for a publicity stunt. That stunt is hunting and killing Spider-Man. That sounds like a dumb waste of time, though. A needless distraction from Octopus Crimes!

Onward.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #17 [March, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Taking Advantage”

Peter Parker watches the news report while eating breakfast in his living room. Kraven the Hunter is gonna come squish Spider-Man’s little bug head! Aunt May comes down and Parker whines and cries at her: “Did you see what the guy on TV said? Guy said he was going to kill Spider-Man right on TV.” But Aunt May couldn’t give a fuck less about croc hunters and spider men. She’s old and needs her medicine. And her husband’s dead! He’s dead, Peter. Remember? Show some empathy.

Aunt May just asks him if he’ll be headed to the Daily Bugle after school. She tells him not to buy any street pretzels because “they upset your tummy”, and she kisses him on the cheek and leaves. Parker stands there grumbling to himself about grown-ass TV dudes coming to kill him. I’m laughing hard. I hope it happens.

At his agent’s office, Kraven the Hunter is doing shirtless oiled-muscle yoga stretches in front of a few suited execs. They’re presenting some art that shows Kraven about to spear the little spider boy. “I’m still not one hundred percent into this,” Kraven says, but his manager will hear none of it! Pish posh, sir, the word is already out! You’re gonna do it! You’re gonna murder someone on television! This ain’t camp, son! Hollywood ain’t your parents!

YOWCH! That Eddie Munster widow’s peak is FABULOUS!

Kraven is skeptical…and sweaty. But he has no choice, he’s gotta get another two years put in on this show and dem’s, as they say, da breaks. After that, they can go to syndication. “Seinfeld money”, says this Justin Timberlake-haired freckled child-in-charge. This is the shit that’ll guarantee staying on the air! Murder a teenager! Hup two.

Kraven towers over this pipsqueak agent and calmly reminds him that he was advised to “temper the act for American audiences”. And pipsqueak Timberlake goes “uh buh huhbbuh we’ll, I was right then, and I’m right now! Heh heh! Hup two.”

There are more panels of Kraven’s agent stuttering through some assurances that this is a good idea. He points back at the art, points to Spider-Man cowering in fear, “I actually think this is going to be one the biggest challenges of your career.” And Kraven takes a glance at the art, and there’s a bit of a glint in his eye.

At school, Parker’s social studies teacher is jerking off Nixon again, but she’s interrupted by the principal escorting Gwen Stacy back into class. “Her father, Police Captain Stacy, has guaranteed there will be no more incidents like the one last week.”

But first, Gwen would like to make a speech! Ahem! *clears throat*

“UHHHHH SORRY I PULLED A KNIFE OUT AT SCHOOL. I HATE BULLIES. I WASN’T REALLY GONNA GET STABBY WITH IT.”

Well said. There’s an assembly in a few minutes, class, so let’s keep those Nixon-related questions coming! And I-

“Actually, I have something else to say,” Gwen interrupts, “I think we need some more apologizing.” Yeah! I’ll say! More apologizing from you, Gwen, for continuing to interrupt our little Richard Nixon love-in! But no, she motions to Kong and asks him to apologize for kicking Peter Parker right in his tender buttocks.

Mrs. Harris has had quite enough, tells Gwen to zip the lip, and tries to continue. Gwen and Kong call each other a skank and a birth defect, and I’ll let YOU readers use your imaginations to decide who said what! Mrs. Harris is gettin’ upset! She shuts them up by yelling her hippie head off, then regains composure and asks the class if anyone has any questions about the assigned super hero oral report.

Preach, sister! Testify! Speak the truth! Amen!

Liz has a question, ma’am! Something to the effect of “why in the name of Hugh Jackman’s dirty Wolverine claws do we have to dress up like stinky mutants and prance around in front of the class?” She argues that this is supposed to be social studies class, and it’s irresponsible to make them all do an assignment about mutants after a couple of them trashed the school a few weeks ago! And after Mrs. Harris tries to argue her point, the wind is taken out of her sails once Liz tells her that her mom wants to bring this up at the next P.T.A. meeting. For the second time, MJ’s face lights up like a candle at all the drama going on. When Mrs. Harris asks the class if anyone else shares Liz’s views, Gwen Stacey smiles brightly and raises her own hand. ASSEMBLY TIME! BYE!

Next, Justin Hammer’s limousine in New York City! Ha! “Justin”. This old man is named Justin. Old people aren’t named Justin, Four Loko addicts who tweet about Gamergate are named Justin.

He’s speaking with the main research scientist at his company via satellite, Dr. John Skrtic. Hammer needs major firepower and he needs it now! Skrtic is trying to tell him that the “experiments here are still in awkward stages”, which roughly translates to “cork it, Justin”. Skrtic’s got NOTHING for you right now. “What about that electric boy?” Hammer asks in his Foghorn Leghorn drawl, and Skrtic reminds him that Fisk’s got him now. You sold him in exchange for construction contracts for “the dome”, whatever that is! Also, he’s in prison! “Well, what about the Sandman project? That’s costing a small fortune,” gripes the lovely Hammer Man, and Skrtic cuts the feed to another camera in the basement of the research facility. Here’s what Hammer sees:

Steve Bannon has seen better days. But not much better.

Hammer’s got the willies! Flint Marco. The Sandman Project, sir. “He has the ability to control his mass and density, but – but the transition was too great a shock on him.” That’s not what I see! I see some freak that looks like he’s splashing around in the basement bathroom. Hammer waves a hand and goes something like “well, uh, money well spent I guess. What else you got?”

Skrtic, at this point, advises him to just use S.H.I.E.L.D.’s help on this one. PLUS! And here’s the big fuckin’ PLUS! PLUS!!!…Ock escaped from S.H.I.E.L.D. in the first place! Sooooooo…let them clean up this pukey mess. And Hammer is all “NO! IMBECILE! Ugh! IDIOT!! Don’t you know that I’m COMMITTING CRIMES EVERY DAY! S.H.I.E.L.D. are the last people I want to involve! Go back to that Sandman guy for a second, he didn’t look so bad, maybe I’ll use him! RRRRGGHH. Nevermind! Let me handle the white collar crime shit, dingus.” He turns off his limo and asks his secretary for a copy of Dr. Skrtic’s contracts.

OK, now we learn what “the dome” is. The Big Apple Energy Dome, a project intended to provide New York City with “an abundance of affordable and alternative energy sources”. Nifty! Did they model the dome after Fat Wilson Fisk’s big bald melon?

The mayor announces the unveiling the Big Apple Energy Dome and introduces Justin Hammer to speak to the crowd about exciting subjects like “saving energy” and “thriving cities” and “brownouts”, even though I’m fairly sure this dumb dome is going to be a front for yet another super-illegal research initiative like “BREEDING 40-FOOT TALL SELF-FELLATING ALIENS” or something equally sexy.

The woman that brought us Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz?! All right, crank the volume!

Hammer yammers about unveiling a “groundbreaking mixture of energy technologies” in the form of mixing solar, electric, and nuclear energies. Like, throw them all in a bucket and shake ‘em up and splash it all over town. Safer solutions! Less expensive! Just go to his website at geocities.com/SiliconValley/4649 to keep up with the construction details!

Uh oh, don’t look now MC Hammer, but a member of the press is ready to throw down some hard-hitting questions! Eddie Brock at the Daily Globe wants to know Hammer’s comments about a rumor that Hammer Industries is working on a similar product that caused a big ol’ kablammo explosion down at Osborn Labs. Hammer smirks, tells Brock that he has no idea what the cunting fuck he’s talking about, we’re here today to talk about the DOME, so ask dome questions from now on.

And Eddie Brock is like “haha, ok” and then asks for Hammer’s comments about CNN’s allegations that his company is funding the development and training of super-powered- HOLD ON RIGHT THERE, SON! This is Hammer Time! And Hammer doesn’t want you to say one more goddamned word about this, Eddie McBrockelstein.

Hammer is sweatin’ now, but at least Ben Urich from Daily Bugle will lob him some easy questions! “Mr. Hammer, what is the nature of your relationship with Doctor Otto Octavius?” GUHHH! UHHMMM, WHO IS THAT, HEH HEH? NEXT!

But at that moment, on the giant screen behind Hammer that shows an inside look of the Big Apple Dome Project facility, Otto the Octopus is wreaking some hella havok with his slimy metal arms! He smiles fiendishly at the camera. Hammer is alarmed!

Anyway, who cares about that shit? We need to know what that school assembly is all about! Kraven the Hunter is coming to shoot a segment of his Spider-Man Murder show at the school tomorrow!

Kraven hates the smell of teenagers, so kindly…kindly find some other school to go to for a few days.

Flash Thompson throws up some Ronnie James Dio devil horns like a nerd idiot. As the principal explains the release forms for appearing on TV, a teacher runs onto the stage to let him know that Otto the Big Mean Calamari is being a jerk in public, and all the students need to stay in the auditorium and remain calm. And sure enough, Peter Parker has that look of determination in his wet, beady teenager eyes. MJ tells him to go, and go he does.

A couple of police copters are hovering near the Dome, requesting backup and discussing how they’re going to land themselves on or near a nuclear facility right next to the sea. One copter notices Spider-Man hitched a ride on the other copter…

…and yes, this dumb punk is grappled to the skid, swinging around a few hundred feet in the air, crying for his mommy. Justin Hammer’s bodyguards try to hurry him out of the facility. Some copter guys start opening fire on the spider kid, which is absolutely fucking bonkers with such a large crowd directly below them. Holy Jesus Shit, man.

Spider-Man lets go of his web-rope and crashes right through the glass of the Dome. He lands at Doctor Octopus’ feet. Doc Ock already killed, like, two scientists. This nerd has no chance.