Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27 – “Illegal”! It’s the end of this storyline, which means Peter Parker is either going to murder Norman with a gun (illegal) or try to conspire to overturn an election for reasons that weren’t very thought-out (illegal). In the previous installment, Peter Parker is ignorant to the fact that Nick Fury was attempting to stop Norman while the whole conversation on the bridge was happening, but he couldn’t get a clear shot without possibly killing MJ. So once MJ was thrown off the bridge, he sent his two helicopters over to shoot Greeny with hundreds of bullets. It doesn’t work.

What does Norman do? He goes home and shoots himself up with TWO syringes full of his goblin serum. He becomes Super Green Goblin, which is just Regular Green Goblin with large horns.

He’ll probably have a heart attack and die, actually. Spider-Man could just stay home and watch Judge Judy and save himself the trouble.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #27 [November, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Illegal”

Still the worst cover art of any series I’ve come across so far. Spider-Man in provocative poses at inscrutable locales. I can only jerk off to that for so many issues, man.

Darkness. Then a crash. Then a glimpse of Ultra MAGA Green Goblin with his hands wrapped around Parker’s pencil neck. Then a look of surprise from Harry. Then a shark flopping on the floor.

Harry’s all like “hey dad is that you hey cut it out” while Peter Parker is like “gaakkks hurrughha”.

“Too big! My spine is bending. My boots are too wet– I can’t get a footing. He’s too big now. I can’t catch my breath– he’s killing me!!”

Those are Peter Parker’s thoughts running through that mushy head of his. Finally, he gets a leg free and kicks Mega Green Goblin across the face. You would think that this would be like slapping a wet noodle against a cliff, but Goblin recoils anyway and even grunts in paint!

“No time to be fancy. No time to be cute. Just hit him with everything, just win!” Parker thinks as he scrambles and flails. I can’t believe he’s choosing this time to not cavort around like a dainty little spider. I think it’s because his suit is ripped. Maybe he’s just not feeling it this time.

Parker shoots Greeney with a bunch of thick, goopy webs. He covers that mofo full of webby goodness, but Goblin breaks out of it as if he were… uh… fighting his way out of a paper bag? That’ll do for now.

Goblin has one last display of impressive, unstoppable hugeness before he starts gasping and wheezing and making a bunch of HYUGH HUGH HUGH HYUGH HYUGH HUGH sounds on the floor.

Laurie? Grant? Jackman? Hefner? Dancy? Pick one and I’ll give him to you, sir. Even the dead one.

While Green Goooblin is writhing on the floor, Nick Fury commands one of his helicopter agents to take the shot now! The agent says that now Harry is in the way. There’s ALWAYS someone in the way, isn’t there? Sounds like a goddamned flimsy excuse to me. It’s left to Nick Fury to make the call.

“No time to be fancy,” Parker repeats to himself while fancily throwing Osborn’s large stone desk toward the Grumbling Goblin. It misses him and flies through the window glass, so now Spidey has to stop the desk from landing on the sidewalk 450 stories below. And he does. That’s good!

While Parker is hanging out of the window keeping his web on the desk, Goblin attempts to grab that head of his again and crush it like a grape. Parker begs for him to just stop, because there are a bunch of people on the ground that could be crushed and killed if someone were to crush and kill him.

But does the Green Goblin stop? No, he doesn’t stop. He’s whipped up in such a frenzied orgasm of green, muscular rage that there’s no stopping him now! He’s in too deep! He can’t stop now! UGH UGH UGH UGGGHHHH!!

This is the part where Harry grabs a very large, and very sharp, piece of metal from the broken window frame.

This is the part where Harry stabs his father in the back.

Sorry, Pops, but this is going to hurt me more than it’ll hurt you.

Nick Fury’s agent is silent with surprise. Parker looks like someone lodged a big, large, metal stick up his own ass. Osborn takes a swing as his son, but after one final bellow he collapses on the floor, turning back into the normal, impossibly jacked man. In his underwear. He looks dead. *kicks corpse* Maybe?

Harry is pouting and crying, looking at Parker like he just came from Mars. He seems to be in a daze, not really knowing exactly what just happened and what he just did to his dear ol’ dad. Then his eyes roll back in his head and he starts to collapse too. Harry gets special treatment, though. Parker would actually catch him. And he does.

Finally, a bunch of S.H.I.E.L.D. dudes dressed in these terrifying green suits come storming in through the broken window. “It’s ok, kid. We’re S.H.I.E.L.D. agents under the command of Colonel Nick Fury. You all right?”

Does he look all right, motherfucker? His clothes are ripped and he looks like he just pooped out a watermelon.

Uhhh, the floor is not really secure. There’s broken glass and water all over the place. Someone could slip and get an ouchie.

Then the dashing Nick Fury hovers in front of the broken window…somehow. I’m not up to speed on Nick Fury’s various superpowers, but I can check “hovering in front of a broken window” off of that list. He’s wearing an enviable maxi coat and… is that a fresh eyepatch I see?? Wonderful!

“Secure the area and start clean-up ASAP, gentlemen. Don’t make me say it twice. And get Carter up here to deal with the local authorities.”

Norman Osborn still lies on the floor mostly naked. *kicks corpse* OK, doesn’t look like he’s dead just yet. Getting impaled through the torso with a large metal object usually does it, but if the stabbing doesn’t get him then the tetanus surely will. Well, get a move on, team! Shove him out of the way, put him in a hospital, feed him circus peanuts, whatever it takes. Chop chop.

Fury tells Parker that it’s a good thing Harry fainted. He doesn’t have to witness any more of this crazy-ass shit (even though, arguably, he already saw and did the craziest-ass shit of the evening). When Parker asks if Harry’s going to get arrested, Fury laughs in his face and gives him a wedgie. “We’ll deprogram the hackwork hypnotherapy and then we’ll do what we can to get him back to a normal life,” Fury explains, “It’ll work out. We’ve seen worse.”

You stole my Game Boy Color and I want it back!!!!

Then he gives Parker an I-told-ya-so with respect to the kid’s skepticism about Fury’s involvement, which pisses the kid off a little bit. He gives Fury a big, angry frown. It’s cute.

“Think of it this way, kid – one less injection and Norman might have had enough wits about him to really do something horrible,” Fury assures him rather poorly. No bedside manner to be seen here. Anyway, grab some street clothes from Harry’s closet and scram! Ha ha ha. Just kidding, you old so-and-so. *playful knocks Parker in the chin so hard by accident that he needs to pick his jaw up off the floor*

Fury offers Parker some gum. Looks like the unmistakably, awful gray color of Juicy Fruit. Parker shoots daggers at Fury some more. Here’s one for ya: you saved your girlfriend! That’s gotta count for something, right? She’s the only in the whole school who likes you. You don’t want to let that one go!

Speaking of which, MJ is back at home, so Fury pulls surveillance off-duty on her house. Also, cut off surveillance on Parker too. No more surveillance! Everything is safe and sound and there will be no problems ever again!

BUT, and this is a big “but”… don’t tell MJ about any of this. That’s going to be shitty in the long run, especially if you break up. It’s like your ex knowing all your weird sex stuff, only WORSE. If you do, every little thing (she does is magic) may put her in greater danger. “There are just some things civilians aren’t meant to know.”

This is basically a nicer way of saying “you’re a little nerd, kid, and I’d very much like to not have to be involved in your life. Or, like, see you or talk to you. At all.”

When Fury tells Parker that he doesn’t have what it takes to hang with the big boys, Parker spits back him with his sour grapes attitude that he doesn’t even WANT to join Fury’s stupid Big Boy Club. He especially doesn’t want to associate with Big Boy himself, the president.

Ha! Well, guess what? You’re in it anyway. You’re too young to hang with the big boys but you are anyway! Catch my drift? You are and you aren’t! Get it? No? Yeah, me neither.

“You’re a genetic mutation. You turn eighteen – you belong to me,” Fury says ominously, and rather inappropriate sexually, “That’s the way it is.”

So enjoy your youth, son!

Parker looks all but fucking ravaged. He was looking forward to joining the army! Now he has to join stinky S.H.I.E.L.D.? What a rip.

He even starts crying! LOL!

It’s enough to make him bolt out of there through the window WITHOUT getting his jammies from Harry’s closet. Fury just watches him go silently while the mercenaries are like “WHUT” and “WHOA”. Parker swings around town, likely in an angry pity party, and Fury tells his men to just let him angst it up if he wants. The kid deserves THAT much.

Well…uh…that’s pretty gross! Heh heh heh. Umm…yeah, gross dude. Gross. Have a nice life.

Parker arrives at the abandoned warehouse where he insisted MJ go to lay low. “Mary? Pssst…”

MJ is holding a pipe ready to bash anyone’s brains in who’s too stupid to come close to her. That includes you, Spider Boy.

No, that’s rude of me! Of course she’s happy to see him! Or is that a gun in her pocket? Either way, she gives him a big hug and starts sobbing uncontrollably. “Augguhhh! Ooooh, agughguh!” Like Popeye.

MJ wanted to go home, but she listened to Peter. She listened and she’s glad he’s all right and she’s glad she’s all right and she’s glad everyone is all right.

But she’s not all right. She’s not all right at all. This is absolute madness. AND she has homework to do. Ugh, the night keeps getting worse.

“Why? Why were you there?” Parker asks, “Why did you go to the Osborns?”
“I– I thought you were going to be there.”
“But I told you about Harry’s father. I told you he was–”
“Peter, you didn’t tell me anything!! You told me you thought he was that monster thing! You didn’t tell me you knew!”

Well, same difference, lady. Parker hangs his head sheepishly. Plus, what happened to Harry? What’s going on with Harry? What about Harry? Harry, Parker. Harry.

Oh yeah, Harry. I remember that guy. “He’s gone… again.”

Goddamnit. Now what? Oh yeah, Nick Fury advised him to cork it around his girlfriend. Time to put that into practice. “I don’t want to talk about it just yet.”

Then they look away from each other. Forlorn.

Final Thoughts

*happy West Wing end credits music*

Norman Osborn is incapacitated. Harry Osborn is benumbed. Nick Fury is uncompromising. Mary Jane Watson is despondent. Peter Parker is a Virgo.

How much emotional trauma can one kid take? My guess is 27 issues worth, and then an additional 100+ issues! See you in the next storyline, dudes and dudettes!