Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #28 – “Sidetracked”! Thank you for joining me for another rip-roaring Ultimate Spider-Man adventure. It will surely be one for the books! In the previous storyline, the Green Goblin is at it again, and this time he’s greener and gobliner! Norman Osborn knows that Peter Parker is Spider-Man, and he’s going to make Parker his personal slave because he’s tired of the kid nosing around business that doesn’t concern him. And if doesn’t do everything that Osborn asks, he will murder him and his family and his friends and MJ Watson but NOT his Uncle Ben (already dead).

Nick Fury is involved too, but barely. Norman ends up stymied by his own hubris long enough for his son to ram a very large metal spike through his back! Cool stuff. Nick Fury tells Parker that he owns him when he turns 18 (sexy!) and he shouldn’t tell MJ anything about any of this. We already see the beginning of this driving a wedge between the two of them.

EXCITING! I have no idea what to expect with this next story, since we’ve just about exhausted my entire Spider-Man knowledge up to this point. And there’s still a million issues to go. Can’t wait.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #28 [December, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Sidetracked”

What’s with the exposed crotch pose? You can see the curvature of Spider-Man’s butthole.

In the high school library, Peter Parker is excitedly reading up on molecules and other exhilarating science-related subjects when MJ excitedly runs up to him screeching like a feral baboon. She looks like she’s about to eat his head off with joy. “PETER!!! Come on!”

“What’s going on?” Parker asks, unnerved and, frankly, terrified.

“Did you bring your costume to school?” she asks excitedly. Feral. Baboon-like.

Because guess what? There’s a fucking transformer robot thing terrorizing the school! I like how MJ is portrayed as some hyper girl with manic immaturity once in a while. It’s endearing. Not like pisspants Parker. That kid can suck 100 lemons.

“A half hour ago, this large monstrosity you see – a man calling himself only the Rhino – literally charged head first into Chase Manhattan Bank at Lexington and 55th.” And indeed, some very huge rhino dude is plunging into cars on the street, rendering them into scrap metal. He’s using his head to toss the cars at the police! He looks angry! He shoulda had a Snickers LOL LOLL LOLL

“This is going on now?” Parker frowns.

“This is going on now,” MJ grins.

“Wow,” Parker frowns heavier.

“I know,” MJ grins wider. She tells him to fucking go kick his ass, and being the lusty chump that he is, he’s going to listen to MJ and go kick his ass because maybe he’ll get a little second base tonight. Maybe even second-and-a-half base! Use your imagination.

After Parker leaves, MJ taunts the TV.

Rhino’s got NOTHING on MJ’s intensity.

Rhino destroys a school bus and launches it about a million feet into the air. MJ betrays a hint of nervousness.

Peter runs through the empty hallway to his locker and pulls out his backpack, checking inside where his costume safely tucked. He rounds the next corner and spots a smiling Aunt May. “Hello, sweetie,” she says to his bewildered face. She gives him a big ol’ hug and asks him why the fucking hell he’s not in class right. ‘Cause he’s got the shits, Aunt May! The shits! There’s a big Rhino guy who needs some beat-’em-ups! He has the shits! Get out of his way, hag.

Nope! No such luck, May’s got a parent/teacher meeting with Mr. Depalma, Parker’s math teacher. Seems like he’s been adding 6 + 6 and getting 11. Time to hash this problem out forthwith. Mr. Depalma invites them both into his office for a friendly chat. Aunt May thinks this is a dandy idea! Let’s all be in on this meeting!

Gulp! And so forth.

Ms. Parker, it pains me to inform you that your nephew has been eating the paste and then pooping the paste back into the paste bottle.

Peter’s been a model student. He’s got the capacity and the mental wherewithal to tackle even the mightiest of math problems. He just seems to be distracted lately, all kinds of staring out the window and chewing on his textbook. In fact, Peter is staring out the window as they all speak. “And although it hasn’t affected his studies yet…” Depalma continues, “…I thought it was worth talking about before the damage is done.”

May gives Parker the side-eye. What a goddamn cosmic joke, her nephew slacking in school like this. Rhino or no Rhino, math is more important! 6 + 6 = 12! Get with the program!

Parker tears himself away from the window and pleads his case. He’s like “uhhh, look, I’m supposed to be teaching some nerdy foreign exchange student the wonders of ionic bonds and the periodic table and it’s very urgent and can I go please”. Aunt May buys this awful lie and tells him he can run along now. And he does.

He gets to the double doors leading outside and spots the principal speaking with some kid wearing one of those badges that tells the other kids that he’s a huge nerd who is either a hall monitor or some kind of JROTC member. Parker stops dead in his tracks, does an about face, and runs off before the principal can see who he is. Now he tries running through the cafeteria kitchen and finds a guy watching TV while washing the dishes. “…but there does seem to be some kind of declaration being made by this Rhino person. We can’t hear what he is saying, but he’s yelling quite viciously at the police.”

Parker can’t believe this whole ordeal is still going on and he hasn’t been able to fix the situation yet with his cartwheels and his catty remarks. Finally, Parker is able to exit a door leading to the alley and finds Gwen Stacy hunched in a corner sobbing.

“Gwen? What happened?”

“Nothin’.”

“Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you?”

“No. No I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“*sniff* Yeah.”

Nothing to see here. Suicide watch will handle this! They’ll be here any minute. To watch her suicide.

“Oh – ok then,” Parker hazards, then starts to turn away.

“Yeah, go ahead!! Everybody else leaves me – you go too. Go right ahead.”

Heh heh. Um.

She makes sounds like “AAGGHH!” and “HUHUHUHUNNGGGGKK!!!” and I’m not even exaggerating here. Parker shifts nervously, then tries to calm her down.

“I think my mom is leaving,” she finally says. Oh… well, Parker’s uncle is dead! Checkmate!

Gwen heard her mom over the phone talk about it. Parker says not to jump to conclusions, perhaps she was just venting! Blowing off some steam! Women say things all the time they don’t mean *nudge* right Gwen? Heh heh… *nudge nudge*

“I heard her say the words ‘My life in this house sickens me. I hate the people life stuck me with.’”

Ah, yeah, that sounds pretty bad. Look on the bright side!… the clouds… are… they’re shaped like things?… hey, how about we get out of the dumpster?

Parker says he’d love to be able to help, but he has something really important to attend to. His flaccid penis. She sulkily tells him “fine” and he shuffles off like a dimwit, all hunched over and sheepish. He says he’ll talk later, he promises, and tries to continue off to the downtown Manhattan area where someone out of his league is killing police officers and kicking kids around.

Outside the school, MJ spots him from a window and wonders what the everloving hell he’s still doing on the school property. “Go! That freak tossed a bus into a Starbucks!” she yells.

Never mind that now, MJ. Gwen is crying right now and Parker would really appreciate some girl-to-girl time. Go help her out, she’s a sobbing mess. A real shameless affair. It’s gross, actually. Please help.

Yeah. Tongue-kissing Oscar the Grouch.

MJ is completely taken aback. He wants her to calm her rival down? “God – she’s such a drama queen,” MJ says, dismissing the whole idea altogether. Parker tells her to go. MJ tells him to go! And being the lusty chump that he is, he’s going to listen to MJ and go because maybe he’ll get a little second-and-three-quarters base tonight.

Still not yet off the school grounds, Parker’s Spidey-Sense starts tingly-tingling. He wonders why for about two nanoseconds before he gets hit in the back of the head with a football. “TEN POINTS! AAAHHH HA HA HA!”

Fuckin’ Flash Thompson with his stupid bowlcut. While Flash and his mouth-breathing friends laugh, Parker grabs the football and launches that fucker into the sun. He smirks triumphantly as his abusers gape at the thing flying a hundred miles away. Then they turn around angrily and start chasing him.

“Prepare for the atomic wedgie to end all atomic wedgies, Parker!!”

No! Ouch! Flash and his posse round the corner and find nothing. Vacant. No little snot-nose Peter Parker to be seen. That’s because he’s already become Spider-Man and starts heading his way to where the action is! He gets closer and closer, he can see smoke and burned out cars. He’s almost there!…

“As you can hear, the reaction on the street is jubilance. Jubilance and gratitude for a selfless hero. The invincible Iron Man has easily bested the mysterious monstrosity that inflicted himself on our city.”

Iron Man floats there looking all like “give it up for meeeeee” while Spider-Man stares from a lamppost. Thunder thoroughly stolen.

A man spots Spider-Man from below. “Where were you ten minutes ago?”

Spider-Man swings away. “At least I tried.”

Final Thoughts

Bottle episode! This was a bottle episode and I’m not having it! Give me some real story!!

Nah, just kidding, I like these kinds of issues. George Costanza would be thrilled to see nothing happening. Hey, maybe I’ll go watch some Seinfeld! Thanks for reminding me.