Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #32 – “Just a Guy”! Wrapping up a rather fast-paced and suspenseful storyline! One of the better ones thus far in an excellent series. In the previous installment, Captain Stacy, Gwen’s dad, dies saving a little boy’s life after catching a knapsack with a bomb. Understandably, Gwen is a little bit sad.

Janet Van Dyne, S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Wasp, a rather waspy woman indeed, injects Peter Parker with chicken hormones in order to accelerate his bullet wound healing process. I suppose it’s fairly effective, because Parker goes back to hopping around as Spider-Man unfettered by pesky, major injuries. The issue ends with a standoff! Spider-Man vs. Spider-Man! Spider-Man is holding up another bank, and while Spider-Man stares down at him, Spider-Man holds a woman up with a taser to her throat!

I hope Spider-Man wins!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #32 [February, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Just a Guy”

Let’s go, Spider-Mans. Give each other hell. God, look at the fucking bulge in the crotch there. Disgusting. I’m tired of these superheroes all spreadeagle on the covers of my comic books all the time. Ugh.

Aunt May is calling up Gwen Stacy’s mom (who’s got it going on – listen, I’m going to run this joke into the ground) to inform her of the terrible exploding ex-husband news. Wait, Ginger Stacy already knew that? OK, then Aunt May is calling up Gwen Stacy’s mom to inform her that her daughter has been staying at their house since Captain Stacy left for the Atlantic City NAMBLA conference. “Well, I was wondering when you were going to be coming back for her. Your daughter – she needs her mother now – she–”

As you might surmise from the way this conversation might be going based on the little information I have provided, Aunt May suddenly puts on an expression of complete bewilderment! “But you’re her mother. She just lost her – I can’t imagine why you would–”

Whoops, this was Ginger Stacy’s chance to ditch her shitty teenage daughter and Aunt May appears to be taking a big, stinky dump all over that plan!

Aunt May all but calls her telephone friend an awful, frigid cunt. Ginger Stacy hangs up. Aunt May is simply shocked. SHOCKED. Now she has to take care of two teenagers? What’s next, MJ is going to start crashing at Casa de les Parkers and it’s going to be a real Three’s Company romp of crazy antics and goofabouts? Not on May’s watch!

Aunt May looks desperately toward Gwen. Gwen looks unsurprised. “Told you… she’s a piece of work.”

Gwen walks out of the room sullenly.

That’s exciting stuff isn’t it? Makes the next scene look like a 3am infomercial! “I’ll do it! I’ll kill this dumb broad right here!! Right in front of all these people!” the imposter Spider-Man flails. Do I detect more than just a tinge of panic in his voice?? “I’m not scared of you – I’m not!!”

Mock Spider-Man continues gibbering while Real Spider-Man just hangs there on the wall staring. Tension! A tear runs down the woman’s cheek as Mock Spider-Man brings the taser closer, ever closer, to her throat.

THWAP! A rope of webbing plasters the menace’s wrist, knocking the taser out of his hand. “Oh no… aagghh…” he chokes as Spider-Man drags him up, up, up. All the people in the bank stand frozen, soaking in the all crazy-ass commotion happening right before their eyes!

Get’cher ass over here, buddy. I’ll make you eat your own butt.

“You murdered someone today!!” Spider-Man shrieks, dropping this motherfucker like a hammer. “A cop!! A good person!! Do you know that? Do you even know what you’ve done!?!”

The Parker version of Spider-Man keeps saying stuff like this and pummeling the Non-Parker version of Spider-Man, who isn’t defending himself very handily. Parker grabs this guy’s neck with one hand and squeezes hard. “Ggaahh! Get away from me!! Get away!!” is all he can say. This little rapscallion, this imp, this mischievous creature, he doesn’t know what to do!

“What is this about!?! Do you even know?! People think I murdered a man! People think I stole! They don’t trust me, and for what? For what reason?”

He kicks the hapless shithead into a desk, splintering into hundreds of… splinters. “Okay. Okay. I know you’re mad. I can understand that. I was just–” Mock Spider-Man doesn’t know what to do. “TAKE the money!! Go ahead, take it.”

You think this a movie?? You think you’re Tobey Maguire? Andrew Garfield? Tom Holland? You’re not even handsome!

Pffft. Parker just hits him with more webs, yelling at him for smearing his good name. Not-Parker tells him to stop it! Stop! There’s a lot more of this. This guy can’t hurt Parker at all. He’s a crying, sniffling doofus! It’s really quite pathetic! Throw a punch! Splash his face with acid! Do something!

Not-Parker admits that he thought it would be a cool gimmick! It was nothing personal! He just liked the Spider-Man thing and– “aaiieee!” he screams as Real Spider-Man rips off the kid’s mask, revealing a sniveling, bleeding punk-ass. “P- please… I’m – I’m just some guy…”

Everyone in the bank is staring in abject terror.

Spider-Man throws him around again. Just some guy? Just some guy?? Just some guy??? Everyone thinks he’s a murderer now! So you know what he’s gonna do? He’s gonna threaten to murder him! Who’s the murderer now?! The murderer or the non-murderer?? Wrap your head around that one, smart guy.

But he doesn’t kill him, obviously. He just crushes his throat for a bit, no biggie. Meanwhile, the cops outside are like “duuurrrr what do we do?”

“This is Captain Jean DeWolff of the NYPD!” yells a cop through a bullhorn. “I want anyone wearing a Spider-Man costume to come out with your mask off and you hands over your head!!”

Nope, that ain’t what happens at all. The people in the bank start flowing out of the building, grateful for their lives. “What happened?” asks the flummoxed DeWolff.

DeWolff and the SWAT team enter the building and find the kid hanging upside-down from a mass of webbing. He is banged up to high heaven! “I- I- I – did it – I – it was all me… I did it. I can prove it and everything…” the kid gurgles. He just asks to get him out of there, please and thank you.

DeWolff pulls a piece of paper attached to the kid’s chest.

Awwww, he shouldn’t have. And I didn’t get him anything!…

Parker, sans mask, stands atop a high building with a dejected facepalm. He lost his fucking mind in there. “I didn’t even know I could get that angry,” he thinks. “It just crept up on me. I- I didn’t even realize it was happening.”

He was inches away from killing someone. If he didn’t stop himself… I mean, damn! That’s messed up, dude. Totally unchill. Parker walks home the biggest sad sack since Charlie Brown or, if you will, George Michael Bluth, and finds his aunt waiting for him on the front steps.

“We have to talk…” she says ominously. At first Parker thinks it’s about all those times he’s been practicing attempts to suck his own penis and grunting like a horse along the way, but it’s actually about Gwen. Gwen, whose dad died in a terrible bomb-related manner. Gwen, whose mom is too busy cavorting around Key West dressed as a man to take care of her daughter. Gwen, who has awful taste in boys. Gwen, who–

Aunt May wakes Gwen up from her nap and beats around the bush a little bit. Parker tells Gwen that they got the guy in the Spider-Man costume, which is going to make her feel better for all of seventeen minutes before he puts his costume on again and beats up Rhino Man.

Gwen stares vaguely in a random direction while mumbling about having an aunt in Minnesota she can stay with. Perhaps, when she meets her in person for the first time in both of their lives, she’ll greet Gwen with open arms! Besides that, there’s a homeless man under the overpass who has been saying some very flattering things…

Oh no. No no no, Gwen. You’re staying at the Parker house! You’re staying in Peter’s bedroom! You can sleep on the bed while he sleeps on the floor, of course! It’s a perfect arrangement!

Yes, dear. “Hgkkk…”

Gwen sobs into Aunt May’s shoulder while Peter frowns awkwardly!

The next morning, MJ gets to hear ALLLLL about how the sexy trollop gets to stay at Peter Parker’s house, freely walk between the rooms, use their shower, and eat all the bananas and popsicles. MJ is not happy about this. Why would she be? SHE doesn’t get to live there! Aunt May microwaves the best macaroni and cheese.

MJ can’t hold it in any longer. “I wake up in the middle of the night – every night – crying! Did you know that?” she shrieks at him. “I have nightmares, Peter! Horrible nightmares that you die! You die– or– or– or– or I die. Every night!”

Dying every night? Hmm, that does sound like a real problem. She spills everything. She relives the bridge thing (and I still don’t remember when that was). She relives it all the time, even during class! Just falling from the bridge like a sack of dead weight and bones!

This Spider-Man stuff is Too Hot to Handle!

“At first it – it was cool. My boyfriend is a superhero. Oh, my God – my boyfriend… But Peter – you’re going to die doing this. You’re going to die in that stupid costume! And I know there’s nothing I can say to stop you from doing it.”

Yeah, I mean, I’m sitting here reading all of this and I can’t think of better points against keeping this kid around for much longer! Salient reasons. Wish I thought of them.

Parker looks at MJ like a pathetic, sad puppy dog. And then he gets mad. “All of a sudden you think this. You never told me any of this,” he points an accusing finger at her. “This is about Gwen!”

Yeah, I mean, I’m sitting here reading all of this and, Parker, shut the fuck up. She admits it though. “Yes, on top of the fact that our lives have become this nightmare that Spider-Man puts us through… On top of that, now you are living – living!! – with this girl who is so pretty and interesting. And she’s in love with you, Peter.”

Yeah, I mean, I’m sitting here reading this and it’s not looking good. She yells that she knows how this all works. Her father has been cheating on her mother for years, and they all sit around pretending that everything is fine. “He stays out all night and he comes home drunk and he stinks like a brothel.” Hahaha, ok, that’s kind of funny, actually. Uhm…

She screams some more about being the fool in this situation. She ain’t want to be no cheatin’ on!

…

“Well, I didn’t know that about your dad, did I?” Parker responds, not quite sympathetic to the situation. It’s kind of a shitty spot to be in, though. Obviously, this kid needs to tell Aunt May that it’s not appropriate that Gwen stick around. But he won’t. And this will be the end for a while.

“I love you, Peter. I just can’t do this.”

“So, what? We’re done?”

…

“Yeah.”

Final Thoughts

Peter, you dumbshit. Get rid of the costume. Get rid of Gwen. Get your redhead back! Jesus.