Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #33 – “Origins”! Back at it immediately with Peter Parker and his stupid hormones. In the previous storyline, a complete, utter jackass dresses up just like Spider-Man and commits a bunch of crimes, smearing the good name of the REAL spidery one. Parker even gets shot through the shoulder in an accidental confrontation with the police! Eventually, Peter Parker has enough of this imposter and ends up kicking his ass handily. He almost murders the kid, not even realizing that he could possibly get that angry.

In the B Story, Gwen Stacy stays at the Parker household while her father attends a police conference in Atlantic City. While there, Captain Stacy dies in the hands of Mock-Ass Spider-Man. Aunt May invites Gwen to stay at their house indefinitely.

MJ, as you can imagine, has been really uncomfortable with this whole situation anyway. She hates that Gwen is in Parker’s life. She hates that she has to deal with things like “I was dropped over a bridge” and “my boyfriend was shot in the shoulder”. She can’t take it anymore, and she dumps him.

Funny stuff! Yet another Spider-Man tale awaits, so let’s get crackin’ right away on this, goddamnit!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #33 [February, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Origins”

Yeah, baby. Is this gonna be like when Tobey Maguire faced off with Eric Foreman from That ‘70s Show? Because that’s going to be sick and wicked and not at all dorky as all get-out.

“She dumped me,” Parker whines, lying on the sad, wooden floor of his sad, wooden basement. “I can’t believe I screwed this up, too.”

Pity party! And no one else is invited! Peter Parker is screwing up at school! Peter Parker is screwing up at home! He can’t even jerk off correctly – thumbs every which way. And now this?! “The entire world hates me because some idiot was running around robbing banks dressed as me. And now the one person in the entire world who knows me – who really knows me – doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

LOL! LOLOL! Oh man, kid, you really pooched the toilet this time, son. Some real swamp dick going on here. This one is so easy! Here, listen: put a giant, oversized boot and kick Gwen Stacy off of a blimp. Then toss your Spider-Man costume into an Arby’s dumpster and go get your girlfriend back. How fucking easier could this be? Off a blimp, kid!

No, no no no. It’s time to take action NOW. “I should call her! I gotta hear her voice!” He picks up his comically large cordless phone. “That’s all I have to do – I’ll – no, I’ll just – I’ll just call to make sure she’s okay! But hang up real quick and–”

What’s this about 69ing Kong? Come on, man.

Bzzzt! Wrong! That’s chump stuff, kid. Do not call her and hang up, you full-blown moron! “This sucks!” he yells, throwing the phone against the door and breaking it apart into a dozen pieces. Guess who feels extra stupid? The chump with all the chump ideas.

Now what? Now if MJ tries to call him, he won’t be able to answer! Stupid stupid stupid stupid! Never mind, why would she try and call him? She hates his smelly guts now. This is a disaster!

The kid finds a door behind a couple of crates leading to a large storage space. He pulls out a random box and starts sifting through it, finding a bunch of photos of his dad. His dad with a young Peter. His dad with a young… uh… Peter’s mom (who looks a bit like MJ, of course). His dad doing science stuff in a science lab coat with another man wearing his own science lab coat for science-type guys.

He also finds a VHS tape.

Upstairs, Gwen and Aunt May are chatting about Aunt May’s hippie days, yelling for Jimi Hendrix to marry her back at Woodstock ‘69. There’s that 69ing again. Peter tries to be slick, but he’s caught on his way to his bedroom. The two ladies pity him for about three seconds, and then go back to making cookies.

The tape is a home video of a young Peter Parker telling his dad about the report he did on Emperor penguins. “Did you know there are fifteen kinds of penguins? The Emperor, the Chinstrap…” BOO-O-O-ORING!! This kid sucks! No wonder he grows up to be… well… this.

Parker falls on his face right on camera. Aunt May walks into the bedroom right as Peter watches the part where his family rushes over to make sure the bedwetter is ok. Aunt May is about to say something to her nephew, but then the sound of Uncle Ben’s voice emanates from the TV. She gets all swoony and distant for a minute.

There’s a large group in the video having a picnic. I don’t know who half these people are or what these names are that they’re dropping. Here, have a picture:

I chopped out Uncle Ben’s speech balloon, but it was something to the effect of “my big boner is huuuuuge, man”.

Ray is, apparently, Peter Parker Sr.’s scientist buddy. I don’t know Peter’s dad’s name. Hold on… Aloysius… uh, Scooter… aha, it’s Richard. OK, so Richard and Ray are discussing getting a publicist for this cool-ass project that they’re working on, although Ray isn’t really in it for the fame, you see. He likes science for the good of humanity and blah blah blah. Peter’s dad is named Ed? I’m confused. Hold on.

Ray and Ed are talking about hiring a publicist and Ed wants to get his wife Mary’s opinion. Peter’s mom. Mary thinks the idea is fucking stupid. “You guys are serious men working on a serious project. You’re going to change the face of modern medicine. What is a fluff piece on 20/20 (if you’re lucky) about how you’re almost there, but not quite – how is that going to do anybody any good?”

Tough talk. All on tape too, so all the criticism has to be met with genial smiles and positive body language!

If I was Peter Parker’s mom I would’ve died prematurely too.

Ray is Peter Parker’s dad! Ed is the friend! I’m getting all this now. Look, part of the deal is reading as I unfold some of this shit in real time. Shit I should know already, obviously! I may still be confused, where are my meds and reading glasses and AARP card?

“Here’s the deal, Ed:” Ray continues, unfettered. “We crack phase two, really show some results – we’ll talk about doing some press. Fair?”

We never hear the answer. Peter continues yelling about penguins and then his mullet friend invites him to go down to the pond to poke some frogs with a stick.

Aunt May and Peter stare at the TV. Forlorn. Longing. Sad. A little bit gassy.

“Where’d you find this?”

“I – I found in the the basement. Some stuff…”

“It’s yours.”

“What is?”

“All that stuff – it belongs to you – those boxes. It’s your dad’s things. My sister’s things. It’s all yours. Ben and I put it all away for you when you were old enough. Guess you’re old enough.”

Peter asks if his Aunt May is ok, and she sure doesn’t look ok. She looks like she’s going to puke up her small intestine. Let’s not dwell on that right now, Peter’s going to ask her who those people on the tape were! And not a moment too soon! But, honestly, several moments too late. I sure did make a fool of myself a few paragraphs above! If only I knew how to edit anything I write, it would surely help in matters like these. Oh well!

Ed Brock = Mr. Parker’s genetic engineering partner. Eddie Jr. = the mullet friend. Peter can’t remember these people at all, but Aunt May reminds him that the Brocks were in his life for years. He and Eddie Jr. played all the time. ALL THE TIME. How can you forget that?

This amnesia is startling. “Where’d he go?” Peter asks, looking terrified that he can’t remember his best friend for years. What a total dingus. “When your parents died – he moved away – grandparents, I think.”

The Brocks died in the same plane crash that killed Peter’s parents.

…

…

“Hey, you should try to find him,” Aunt May suggests. Capital idea!

Ah yes, the only Eddie Brock in New York City. My laborious hunt is finally complete.

So he does. It takes him two seconds. I suppose stuffing in six pages of Peter accidentally stumbling upon the dark web and looking at horrible child pornography would not have pertinent to the story, so they cut right to the chase. Let me tell you, though. It did happen.

Peter calls this guy up and he’s more than thrilled to hear Peter’s squeaky, crackly teenage voice. Eddie’s in college in the city, and he would love to meet up for some coffee or weed or something like that. Black tar heroin. Panning around the basement, there’s an open box with a picture of Peter and Eddie with Peter’s dad. Within the box are also files and folders referencing the Venom project…

*Dukes of Hazzard music*

Well, it’s a good thing that Parker has something to take his mind off of his horrible break-up with the love of his life. Empire State University! Very esteemed higher learning center, likely where smarty men Reed Richards and Tony Stark had learned how to cheat on every test and earn degrees they didn’t deserve!

Parker undresses the young women with his eyes as he walks across the campus and makes his way to Eddie Brock’s pot-infused dormitory. Brock himself looks like an ugly shithead. His roommate looks like a prison inmate. They leave to get some coffee and shoot the shit.

“…astrophysics. So now I’m in the bioengineering program,” Brock says, following in his dad’s footsteps. Peter intends to do the same, and Brock comments on how they are both “ghost chasers trying to impress their daddies”. Parker finds this a little bit diminutive, defending his actual interest in pursuing his father’s work. And, of course, Brock is like “oh, oh, oh, OH, OH, OH, ME TOO”.

“I really do believe in what they were doing because, let me tell you… if I didn’t… bio is a crapload of reading to be into it for the wrong reason.” Brock goes on to bitch and moan about his studies. “No one prepares you for this workload. They assign us three chapters a night. A hundred pages a day. Plus you have to have at least one job because books alone are a fortune.”

I shoulda gone to Butthead Community College so I coulda boned a bunch of TV/VCR Repair majors.

When asked if Peter has a girlfriend, he hangs his head and squeezes out a pathetic “I did.”

“She just – I just – we broke up and it – it just happened and I don’t think it’s sunk in yet.” Parker goes on to say that he lost his best friend, everything is falling apart around him, he’s horny all the time…

Eddie Brock looks at him all sly-like. “Man, high school…”

Look, Peter Parker, you dumb little bitch. In five years you won’t even remember this girl’s name. It’s not going to matter. You’re going to be so busy eyeballs deep in cytosines and morphometries that you won’t even care about pussy. Guaranteed. “This stuff, it’s sooo important to you now… oh, the drama.”

Parker barely looks relieved. Those frown muscles sure are getting a workout today!

“When real life starts – when real life starts, you’ll know it,” Brock says, pointing his fat finger right at Parker’s face. “Trust me.”

Whatever, Ivy League. Sheltered in your college bubble. Just you wait, son.

Whatever! Whatever, whatever! This is totally fly, man! Check these two lovebirds out, catching up! Parker didn’t even remember this guy 45 minutes ago and now he’s being told to forget about MJ for the rest of his life.

I think Eddie Brock is winning the Sad Contest. “Sometimes it’s – it’s hard to even picture my mom’s face. You know? Sometimes it takes a while…” As Brock mumbles, Parker zips open his backpack and pulls out the tape. “It’s a video of your parents. It’s all of us at a picnic. It’s – it’s the reason I looked you up. I thought you’d want a copy.”

Wow! Gee whiz! That’s real keen of you, old friend! I – well, jeepers! Heh. It’s just – heavens to Betsy! “That’s about the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

“You know what?” Brock continues. “I have something to show you, too.”

*unzips pants*

*zips them back up*

*takes Parker to the Reed Richards Science Center*

Yeah, the high school science lab is just a card table with a single beaker full of tomato juice.

Brock leads him to an ultra-high tech laboratory. It looks like a supervillain’s command console. “But that’s not what I wanted to show you.”

Brock opens up a little cryogenic locker. Gas escapes. Within it is a small Erlenmeyer flask.

“What is that?”

“It’s our inheritance.”

Final Thoughts

You know, I’ve never actually seen Spider-Man 3, so I’m only assuming that Topher Grace is Eddie Brock and that this is what this is all about! I have no idea. I just know that I could kick Topher Grace’s ass handily, so I don’t know what Spider-Man’s problem is with that. Topher Grace weighs 14 pounds.