Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #47 – “Tampered”! In the previous installment, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Sharon Carter gets interrogated about the fight between Spider-Man and Doc Ock in New Jersey. In short, S.H.I.E.L.D. wasn’t able to handle it very well. At all. From the get-go.

What does this mean for S.H.I.E.L.D. and Spider-Man? Will Nick Fury have to show his Mace Windu-ass face again? Will Maria Hill show up lookin’ hella sexy? I hope for both!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #47 [December, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Men of Influence”

Spider-Teenage-Boy flips around town looking for something to do. There’s no crime going on, no planes flying into errant buildings, no nothing. “This is New York City. Where are all the crazy people? Where are all the angry, sweaty, frustrated…”

BAM

Hotcha! A gun happened somewhere! Do you remember Wilson Fisk’s men – Montana, Ox, and Fancy Dan? I barely do! Jesus Christ, I read that story like two years ago. They’re in the middle of an illegal card game, or at least they’re trying to break one up. “That better not be Mr. Fisk’s money you’re gambling with there, Julio,” Fancy Schmancy Dan says, smoke coming out of his gun.

Julio sweats and poops his sweaty pants. Getting muscled like this ain’t fair! The Kingpin is out of the country, gawddamnit! “I ain’t payin’,” Julio says finally. Well, that’s a dumb thing to say! Dan puts his gun right up to Julio’s fat face, and then THWAP!

“Gun, gun, guns! Always with the guns! You know what they say? They say that a gun is just substitute for…”

Everyone pulls out their guns on Spider-Man. Their limp little gun dicks.

Montana, Ox, and Dan look fucking worried. All like “oh man, not him please”. Spidey does a little dance to avoid all the gunfire. Montana loops his whip around Spidey’s neck and Ox flings him across the room.

Welp, Spider-Man’s dead. Comic series over.

“You hired protection?!! From us?!” Dan says, pistol-whipping Julio and then training another gun on him. Julio sweats in his poopy pants; claims he doesn’t even know the guy. Spidey hoists himself out of the pile of splinters that used to be a pile of box-shaped splinters. Ox, still salty about their previous encounter, charges Spidey. Spidey WHUMPS him in the stomach. Ox go “HHRRR!!” Then Spidey webs Ox’s eyeballs.

Julio’s men open fire again. Montana whips again and accidentally catches his Fancy Ol’ Dan.

Then Spider-Man drops a giant-ass web all over every single one of them, and the cops come. The end. Let’s cook some pizza rolls.

Later, the robed Fat Fisk is not pleased. Montana’s hat is in his hand. Fancy Dan tries to smooth talk their way out of trouble. “I don’t know what to tell you, boss. This guy’s all dressed up in his feet pajamas and he’s… bouncing around…” lol, exactly. I’ve been saying that for 47 issues.

If frowns could kill, Fisk’s frown would level NYC. Fisk’s lawyer asks if Julio hired the kid, and Dan assures him that everyone was surprised to see him. “Julio don’t know nothing.”

Well, get the tail out from between your legs hoss, because Julio’s not pressing charges and everything is swept under the rug. Now get that tail back between your legs hoss, because Fisk is mad and he’s apt to start crushin’ skulls.

My decaf espresso mocha latte!

“SHOOTING OFF GUNS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!” Fisk screams, turning eighteen shades of purple, punching and breaking a nightstand. The lawyer translates this for the men: one last chance, motherfuckers. One last chance.

Fisk orders his inept men to leave so that he can discuss matters with his pinchy-face lawyer.

“The money this kid has cost me. That’s why he is, you know–”

“I know.”

“He’s just a kid. Cost me millions of dollars. Millions of dollars.”

“I know.”

“A child.”

Fisk laments the idiots like Spider-Man that have somehow entered his life. Fisk had to spend three million just to get everything wiped clean so he could get back in the country! That’s a lot of cocaine, bro! Gone! Oh, what Fisk wouldn’t give to wipe him out! Him and all of his political enemies. Boom pow! Right in the kisser to the lot of them.

Fisk’s lawyer reminds him that three million to beat a murder charge is pretty fucking cool and good. Don’t knock it, son. And what’s your description of Spider-Man again? Teenage white boy? Good luck finding one of those in New York City, moron.

“Well, he’s the only one who can stick to a wall,” Fisk says, looking out his highrise window. “Someone knows who he is. This child owes me millions of dollars and months of my life.”

Mr. Lawyer has an idea that may not get them their money back, but it does concern one of their political interests. Fisk is intrigued (you can tell be he makes a face that looks like he’s trying to pass a giant cantaloupe through his tiny butthole).

At the Daily Bugle, the head staff are watching a Sam Bullit ad. Bullit promises to get masked vigilantes off the streets! J. Jonah Juicebox Jameson loves it! His paper will endorse Bullit and all of Bullit’s ideas (especially the one about getting masked vigilantes off the streets). Parker pops his head into the room and overhears all the usual stuff about how everyone hates and wants to catch Spider-Man and wring his little pencil neck. “Parker, what are you doing here? Out. This ain’t summer camp,” Jameson growls. Parker leaves forlorn and I’m laughing out loud!

Even Presdient Vahagn Khachaturyan of Armenia? Unlikely. But his predecessor Armen Sarkissian had some nasty things to say.

After work, Parker sulks on the floor of his bedroom. MJ trapises in lookin’ all cute and asks why her boyfriend is sulking. Parker says he’s sulking because he’s sulking. MJ presents a piece of paper: a list of everyone who knows he’s Spider-Man. She is doing this because now a lot of people know he’s Spider-Man and it’s going to come back to bite him on his fleshy buttocks.

MJ, of course, takes this moment to tell him to be more careful. Of course he won’t, so whatever! Peter asks what he’s supposed to do with the people on the list? Whack ‘em? MJ is all like “come on, Petey”. Peter is like “because I’ll do it if it’ll make you happy.” None of this happened.

Peter whines about what’s bugging him today. Some guy is running an ad campaign all about what a jerk Spider-Man is and how he’ll get rid of him. MJ doesn’t seem concerned! Politicians are nobody! Just look at Jim Jordan! Just look at him! LOL!

Let’s check out the list! Norman Osborn and Doc Ock (jail). Harry Osborn (somewhere). Nick Fury, the Ultimates, Captain America, the X-Men (superheroes).

“It’s too many people.”

“I know!!”

“Why are you mad at me?”

“Why do you keep repeating this point of yours?!!”

“Okay, I’m going home.”

MJ leaves, but then pokes her head back into the room. “A politician, huh? I don’t know who this dude is or anything… but… you know… someone’s always paying their bills.”

Peter Parker, ever the astute smartypants, asks who would be doing that? MJ is like “oh look hey check it out guy, I have a list right here!”

MJ leaves for realz this time. Peter goes back to his regularly scheduled sulking.

Not Edgar Allan Poe! He been dead.

So, the above is part of an ad on a bus. “TAKE BACK OUR CITY” it says. While Spidey is atop the bus, a crowd has gathered around said bus. The bus must not be moving, because that would be pretty weird right now. A woman throws a bottle at him, which he catches effortlessly. “Nice, lady. Real nice. I want you to note the following, okay? I didn’t try to hurt you. I’m not the one who threw something at you. And I didn’t call you any names even though you wore that hat out in public.”

It was a pretty bad hat.

The next day’s Daily Bugle headline will show that the Kingpin has been cleared of all charges! Parker sees this on his computer screen and he’s all “I–guh—but—fluh—uh—guh–” and goes over how he murdered someone on videotape and it ran on CNN 500 times a day for like 18 years. He looks like he’s going to be sick. He shambles over to Ben Urich, who looks positively CRESTFALLEN. He overhears Jameson and Robbie Robertman Robertston Robertson, who are arguing with each other about Jameson jumping into bed with any politician who will suck his Spider-Man-engorged boner for some endorsement. Spider-Man this and Spider-Man that! You know why, Robbie? BECAUSE SALES GO UP WHEN SPIDER-MAN IS BLHABAAHABAAHBAABLAB!!

Parker takes this moment to chime in with some facts: Spider-Man seems to save people. The Kingpin seems to murder people. Shouldn’t we be looking into the murder guy? And, maybe, leaving alone the saving people guy?

“Who are you?!!” Jameson jabs a bony finger into Parker’s chest. What are you doing here? Why do I hear your voice? OUT! I WANT YOU OUT!”

“What?”

“This isn’t a place for kids. You’re fired. Out.”

Everyone looks at Parker with sheepish expressions.

Peter Parker walks out.

Final Thoughts

The theme of Spider-Man in general is “Peter Parker gets shit on constantly” and I, as the kids say, am here for it!

Looks like Parker’s going to have to break out that camera again to get back into J. Jonah’s good graces. I’m thinking complete nudity except for the mask. Various provocative poses. Parker will make $125,000 dollars a year.