Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #49 – “Hero”! In the previous installment, Peter Parker spends an issue trying to stand up for himself and it doesn’t work! He confronts J. Jonah Jameson about getting fired, and then Jameson double fires him! He tries to pound through the glass at Fisk’s building, and all he gets is a smirk from the fat guy. He tries to ask his teacher why the FUCK Fisk beat a murder charge and why the justice system is so FUCKED UP and he gets suspended from school!
And I’m lolin’ and lmaoin’ all along the way.
Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #49 [January, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Hero”
Aunt May ends up calling Jameson and calling him Hitler, so he’s probably going to cry about it and then rehire Parker so that the old lady isn’t mean to him anymore.
J. Jonah Jimmy James Jason Joey Jameson is walking out the Daily Bugle parking garage after a long day of yelling at children. Waiting for him is Ox, Montana, and Fancy Dan. There’s a guy in front of his car who is either dead or unconscious and I can’t tell who it is. Jameson just stares in horror.
“I think he’s speechless.”
“You know, I’ve never seen that before.”
“What?”
“Someone actually struck speechless. You hear about it, I mean, sure, but I’ve never actually ever seen it.”
“Where, there it is.”
“What do you think he’s thinking?”
“Wouldn’t know.”
“’Cause he’s speechless.”
Montana hazards a guess. Probably something along the lines of “please don’t kill me”. Please don’t kill me even though I went back on my word on endorsing Sam “Magic” Bullit. And then connecting him to organized crime. And then implying that Wilson Fisk was organized crime.
Jameson continues to stare wild-eyed like a fucking raccoon.
Please don’t kill me even though I really, really screwed up and I have, like, one chance to rectify the mistakes and redeem myself.
“And that would, at a bare minimum, include a printed retraction and a reinstatement of my support of the candidate,” says Dan, speaking on Jameson’s behalf. And then a physical reminder is going to be in the cards today!
Can I interest you in The Onion. They have these silly headlines! But now real life is way too depressing for satire anymore.
A voice from behind catches all their attention. “Oh man… this sucks. I was all proud of myself for thinking of sneaking into this garage to give Jameson crap. But seriously, how clever an idea could it have been… if you guys thought of it, too? I mean, really.”
SPIDER-MAN IS ON THE SCENE! *Batman theme plays*
The Three Musketeers are shaking in their boots. Spider-Man again, eh? Fuck.
Spidey grabs Jameson by the scarf and throws him away while Fancy Dan and his Fancy Bunch pull out their semi-automatic rifles and start firing. Spidey does about five pages of flip-a-ma-bouts, dodging all the bullets while Jameson forgets how to blink for another ten minutes. In the chaos, Dan shoots Ox in the leg. While Dan kisses his boo-boo, Spidey uppercuts Ox and barely leaves a mark. “Is it that you’re too stupid to fall down?” Spidey asks hilariously. Then he ejaculates his web goo all over the lot of them. He taunts them; wonders out loud how they’re not in jail; wonders if the Kingpin is so connected that he just throws money around and nothing ever happens to any of them.
Ox punches a windshield.
Spider-Man punches Ox. “Come on, man. Just fall down!!”
Dan shoots through the web around his gun, throwing Spidey off balance enough for Ox to slam his twerp-ass to the ground. During the scuffle, Jameson takes out his phone to call the police but he has no service in the garage.
Listen, we can argue about who shot who until the cows come home. Let’s just forget anyone shot anybody, m’kay?
James then sets up a voice memo recording on his phone and lists the three of their real names ‘cause he knows them, and then starts interviewing. “How long have you worked for Wilson Fisk, AKA the Kingpin?” he asks with a newfound stance of authority and confidence.
“The hell you doing?” Dan snarls.
“You said earlier that the Kingpin sent you here to rough me up so I would change my endorsement of his candidate Sam Bullit. My question to you is how long you have worked as muscle for the Kingpin?”
“Are you serious with this?” Dan snarls again. Refusing to answer questions, Dan reiterates that Jameson is to put a retraction in the paper before he fills his pants with someone else’s poop.
Spidey then pops up and gives Ox a wedgie. Then he bonks Dan’s and Montana’s heads together. Then he punches Ox in the chin three times. He doesn’t fall down. Then he does – right onto a windshield, breaking the shit out of it.
“Well…” Spidey turns to Jameson.
“Well, what?”
Spidey points a finger right into Jameson’s face. “I’m not leaving here until I get a thank you.”
“Thank you.”
“Now was that so hard?”
“Yes.”
Jameson continues his news reporter schtick and asks Spider-Man why he wears the mask. Spidey ignores him and asks him why he insists on being the way he is… but then he just heard that Jameson went back on his endorsement? Jameson confirms this and tells Spidey to buy a paper if he wants to know more.
Getting dunked on by Spider-Man is my dream.
Security enters the parking garage. Jameson turns his head for a split second, then finds Spidey gone when he turns back. Jameson looks forlorn, but not as forlorn as the Threesome of Suck on the ground.
Outside, while Parker removes his suit, he complains about getting shot at again. Again! This superhero stuff is dangerous fucking business, yo. “God!! And I gave a grown man a wedgie. That’s a memory that’s going to haunt me.”
I don’t know how Jameson teleported to Peter Parker’s front steps, but Parker finds him sitting there looking sad as the dickens. Parker frowns.
“Mr. Jameson.”
“Kid.”
Jameson explains that he had an exceptionally bad day at work. He dragged himself out to the “nightmare that is Queens” to… uh… starting talking about how his son was on the space shuttle Orion that got burned up in orbit. About a year ago. “Technical malfunction” were the only two words he heard about it. Classified information otherwise. “My boy was an astronaut. A hero. A hero!! And he’s gone and that’s — I didn’t get a body to bury.”
Parker looks so sad that I can hear his little penis drooping.
:[
“Today was a big eye-opener. There. That’s the thing. So… there. I think we both understand that what we are talking about here is between us and not to be discussed. Or brought up again.” And Parker agrees.
The kid asks if Jameson is worried about the Kingpin’s reaction to his editorial. Jameson says it’s a headline the Kingpin can’t walk away from. Plus, if anything happens to Jameson then he knows it’s the Kingpin they’ll come after first (and we know how well that worked out the first time). Anyway, Jameson was wrong and Parker was right. He offers the kid his job back.
Parker mumbles and gets self-deprecating, but Jameson calls him a bright boy with a huge future ahead of him. “In between things, I’m going to have you tag along with Ben Urich on assignments. See the city the way a reporter sees the city.” Jameson thumps him on the shoulder. “See the city for what it really is.”
Jameson gives him a little atta-boy and walks away. Parker is on top of the world.
The next day, Spider-Man has lunch with his enemy.
lol, this doesn’t need a comment.
“Young man, you have a lot of growing up to do.”
“Right back at ya, Rerun.”
“What can I do for you?”
“Well, you really got my head spinning.”
Spider-Man wonders why the Kingpin is just sitting at a restaurant without a care in the world. He’s a murderer, a liar, a cheat, a criminal. And he just gets to walk around the city. He wants to know how the world allows him to be.
In short, Spider-Man just wanted to look the guy in the face. And Wilson Fisk, well, he says he’ll someday look Spider-Man in the face. His real face. And he’ll find out who he is. And he’ll personally come to his house “…and I will teach you exactly what I am.” Fisk gives his most intimidating, obese scowl.
“Are you hitting on me?”
Fisk notices that Spidey webbed his feet to the floor. He doesn’t understand the satisfaction Spidey might get out of that. Spidey says this is proof that they don’t understand each other at all, then.
Fisk, again promises to find out who Spidey really is, and Spidey flings out of the restaurant.
Final Thoughts
Touching! J. Jonah Jameson redemption arc! I didn’t know he had it in him! You love to see it. Or you may not. Maybe you like it when Jameson takes a big stinky shit all over Peter Parker’s face.
Speaking of a big stinky shit, Wilson Fisk is done with his lunch.
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