Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #52 – “Cat Fight”! In the previous installment, Fisk will not be happy to learn that his tablet is stolen, and Mr. Moore, the man who helped steal the tablet in the first place, has one evening to get it back. On Moore’s behalf, Fisk’s righthand man hires Elektra to do the job.

Meanwhile, Black Cat has some sort of romantic interest in Spider-Man and invites him to a rooftop date. She even removes her mask, displaying a hint of vulnerability. The date is cut pretty short when Elektra shows up.

If Elektra and Black Cat fight over Spider-Man I’m going to uppercut my desk to the ceiling.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #52 [March, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Cat Fight”

At Fisk Towers, Mr. Dini approaches Fisk in the dark with caution. Elektra has been assigned to recover the tablet. “I don’t know who that is?” Fisk frowns. Dini says she’s new, young, talented, and buxom! Quite buxom! Very buxom!

“I want this resolved tonight,” says Fisk.

“I understand.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Sir?”

“Just get it done.”

“It’s — yes – it’s happening right now.”

Here’s what’s happening right now: two women and one little pajama-ed boy are doing cartwheels and flips and getting hit with ninja stars on the rooftop. One nicks Spidey’s costume and tears a hole. Next thing you know, only Black Cat and Elektra are fighting one another. Meow!

“Nuts!” Spidey thinks. “What do I do?” He stands out of the way while these other two tear into each other like rabid hyenas. Boom kick fight pow hit scream bang screech roar. After a few moments of deliberation, Spidey realizes that he’s witnessing a sexy catfight.

No, not the hair! That’s my moneymaker!

“Give back what you stole,” Elektra snarls. Black Cat is silent. Spider-Man says out loud to himself that someone should stop this.

“I’m not my father!” Black Cat yells suddenly. “Tell your master! Tell him!! I’m not my father!!” She knocks Elektra’s sai out of her hand. Elektra returns with a kick to Black Cat’s face. Then a kick to the abdomen, which sends her flying right into Spidey. “OOF!” he yells. Oof.

Spidey webs Black Cat to the floor and, like a fucking man, tells her that he’ll be taking care of it. “NO!” Black Cat protests.

“Okay now, you…” Spidey turns to Elektra. “What exactly can we do to make you stop and go away? Or would you at all be interested in calmly telling us who sent you and exactly what you want?”

Wordlessly, Elektra starts fighting Spidey. More and more fighting and the comic is already half over! Eventually, Spidey gets kicked over the side of the building for the second time in three issues. “Oh, God! Oh, God!” He grapples two adjacent buildings, then tries ungracefully to swing back down to street level. He gets banged up, but he doesn’t die much to the reader’s chagrin.

They stood you up, Sparky. Get used to it.

Spidey monologues while he climbs back up. Here’s the gist: He got his ass kicked by a girl and his entire body “feels like a McGriddle”. He’s out of his mind for meeting up with Black Cat in the middle of the night. “How is it she’s smart enough to be a cat burglar but she’s so stupid that she puts ads in the paper telling everyone with half a brain where she is going to be?” And he already has a girlfriend, so what the fuck is all this about? Hormones? Black Cat looks all sexy in her leather getup? And he doesn’t know what he’ll do when he gets back on the roof…

He gets back on the roof and no one is there.

Spider-Man takes the opportunity to collapse on the roof all tuckered out, preparing to even fall asleep there. He remembers Black Cat’s outburst about not being her father, which was weird, right? I mean, she’s a woman for starters! Second of all, uh…

“’I’m not my father’? Who’s her father? Batman?” Spider chides. A security guard opens the door to the roof, and Spidey hushes him up. “Sshh, I’m thinking.” he says. Laughtrack. Applause.

Mr. Dini’s got some bad news for Fisk! Carmen Elektra failed her mission. BUT, and here’s the positive… uh, we might have a clue, maybe, as to who this Black Cat woman is? Heh heh?!

Fisk scowls like it’s his job to scowl and he’s very good at his job. Dini simply gives him the ol’ “yes, sir” and leaves the room.

Aunt May is snoring in her bed when she gets a call at 1:22am. It’s MJ’s mother, and she can’t find her dang daughter. She’s gone! Poof! Out of here! “I-I-I think she packed a bag. I think she ran away!! She ran away!! She’s not here. Her money is gone and some of her clothes.”

Is Peter in the house? Maybe he can shed some light on this situation.

QUICK, SPIDER-MAN! YOU HAVE EXACTLY NINE SECONDS TO GET BACK HOME FERRIS BUELLER-STYLE!

Final Thoughts

That was short! Most of the comic book’s real estate was spent on two chicks duking it out. One more issue to go on this story and there seems to be a lot to wrap up, doesn’t it? Black Cat’s identity, the tablet, Fisk, Peter Parker, Aunt May, MJ Watson *keeps rattling off characters for no reason*