Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #56 – “Hollywood (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, the shooting of the movie continues and both Parker’s and Gwen’s sulkiness knows no bounds. The former because he’s being a grump about his likeness and story being made very public, the latter because she’s still salty about the whole dead dad thing. It’s like, gag me with a spoon.

Oh yeah, and Gwen is being followed and no one knows why yet.

Doc Ock interrupts movie production by being a silly nuisance and now he and Spider-Man are in a standoff! Shhhh, let’s be quiet and watch the action already in progress…

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #56 [June, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Hollywood (Part 3)”

OK, so no progression on the standoff yet, but the Parker household is surrounded by unmarked government-type vehicles. A stakeout, if you will, and as the daughter of a (FORMER LOL) cop, she knows a stakeout when she sees one! And this right here is a bonafide stakeout!

I think the feds that are skulking around notice that Gwen is staring at all of them, so they book it back to their cars and peel out. This makes Gwen extra suspicious, but right now, as it stands, she wonders if Aunt May is up to something…

OK, standoff time! “DIE! DIE!! DIE!! DIE!!” Ock screams as he tries to pummel Spider-Man into paste. “Why are you here, Parker?? Why are you everywhere I am?!”

Simple. So-o-o-meone’s got a cru-u-u-u-ush!

Tobey Maguire is hunkering down with Raimi and Arad while watching the fray and wondering what Ock just called Spidey. “Something ‘er’” they heard, and it ain’t “fucker”. But Maguire seems to think so!

I’m so verklempt that I’m schvitzing over here!

More fighting happens. Spidey asks his foe how he busted outta da joint. Ock doesn’t answer, of course, because he’s not dumb, and he’s got the upper hand (or arms, if you will) in this fight. He’s handing Spidey his own tuchus. Pretty soon Spidey gets thrown right in fromt of Raimi, Arad, and Maguire, who are still huddling scared out of their meager wits!

“We should leave…” says Raimi.

“I can’t move my legs,” says Arad.

“I’m f-f-fine here,” whimpers Maguire.

By now, Ock’s got Spidey wrapped around by two arms, one is punching him in the face, and one homes in on him with electricity. ZZAATTCC! That’s gotta hurt! *laughtrack, Seinfeld music plays*

“We didn’t come here looking for you, Parker,” Ock says, referring to himself as “we” again, as Spidey is thoroughly trapped by squiggly metal arms. “But we are absolutely delighted at the opportunity you have presented with us.”

Maguire’s stunt double smashes Ock in the back of the head with what can only be described as a VERY expensive camera. The double is named Leroy, and he’s majorly pissed at Ock for interrupting production and keeping him from earning his $11 per hour.

But Leroy gets thrown out of the way, the pesky little gnat, and Spidey continues sucking and holding off the metal octopus guy.

Boo! Get off the stage!

Let’s get back to Gwen. She’s reading on the toilet – probably a big batch of Archie comics! — when the doorbell rings. Luckily, it’s not some menacing manly man with a pipe, but it’s that redhead. Not Archie! MJ! Keep up, this is Spider-Man, dingus.

“Hello, Gorgeous!!” MJ yells happily when Gwen answers the door. “Yes, it is me! ‘Tis me, Mary Jane Watson, back from the torment of my eternal grounding! I am no longer among those not allowed to leave their room. I am now a free woman.”

MJ happily reports to Gwen that her mother has kicked her stupid, mean, meany pants father out of the house! Can you dig it? He up and left. Packed his shit. Bye bye, daddy. Eat a butt., grounding time is officially over. Now where’s Peter? Aunt May is in Florida, so anything goes! MJ wants him to stick his dick inside her somewhere! Where’s the scamp? Come on out, now! MJ’s gonna getcha!

“He’s not here,” MJ realizes.

“He’s not here,” Gwen confirms.

“So, that’s that then.”

“He’s at work, right?”

Now that we’ve officially failed the Bechdel test, we can move onto other things. What’s Gwen up to? She’s watching videos? Wanna join? Gwen will watch anything other than the shitty news coverage of the Doc Ock rumble on TV. “We have no word on actor Tobey Maguire’s safety–” the reporter says as if anyone cared one iota. This whole thing was suspected to be a publicity stunt, but it doesn’t seem likely anymore. For one thing, Doc Ock’s a jerk from heck. Second of all, no.

Meanwhile, Doc Ock is still nutso and Spidey just knocked the glasses off his face. Turns out he’s quite handsome! I’m swooning!

If it weren’t for the whole talking-to-himself thing.

Yes, yes. Butter, yes. Yes, with jam, yes. On toast, no less, yes. Yes, yes. And tea, don’t forget the tea, yes. 2pm? Yes, yes, I’ll see you then.

Spidey gets smacked against a truck windshield, breaking it into tiny little crumbles and almost killing the poor bastard behind the wheel. A man gets out of his taxi to snap a photo, but Spidey webs that camera right out of his hands. And then more metal arm smacking happens during the quick distraction.

Finally, one more throw against a car causes the Webbed One to lose consciousness. Next thing he knows, he’s strapped to a seat of a private airplane. Headed for where? Who knows, but all that below him is ocean!

Maybe a pleasant trip to Guinea-Bissau will await us in Issue #57!

Final Thoughts

Sorry MJ, no trip to Bone Town for you anytime soon. Might was well go back to being grounded, kiddo. There’s nothing for you here.

I love 20 pages of action, that shit’s really my steez. I hate reading, you know, so this is an absolute plus for me. I don’t glaze over at all, that’s for sure!