Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #63 – “Carnage (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Peter Parker doesn’t even show up! This issue is about the Venom Stasis Baby growing up and escaping its stasis tube in order to wreak havoc on the fair citizens of Queens by, like, sucking the life right out of them.

Since it was born of Parker’s blood, the Venom Beast contains Parker’s memories. When it attacks Gwen Stacy, it shows Parker’s face for a quick moment, then recoils and retreats back into the bushes.

INTRIGUING. Let’s get on with it.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #63 [October, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Carnage (Part 4)”

Aunt May returns home at the dead of night with groceries, including the stereotypical baguette sticking right out of the bag. The house is dark and empty…

Aunt May happens to look out the window. She happens to see someone collapsed on the ground. She happens to see that this person is the desiccated pseudo-corpse of one Gwen Stacy, attacked by Venom Beast and with all the life sucked out of her body. I’ll post a picture of it in a couple of paragraphs. It’s haunting as the dickens! “Not again…” May says with a tear running down her cheek. I’m not sure what the “Not again…” is referring to, because this is the first desiccated corpse she’s seen since Uncle B—ooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Did I clear enough room yet for the picture? No?

How about now?

Now?

Ugh, ok, well how about now?

No? Not yet.

OK, I’ll wait.

*hums a jaunty tune*

OK, here it is:

Looking good today, Gwen! What’s that, new eyeliner?

Meanwhile, Parker is at work checking out tomorrow’s front page headline: “SPIDER-MAN PUNISHES PUNISHER”, which causes Parker to smile. J. Jonah Jeffery Jack John-John Jameson did say he was going to start seeing the whole Spider-Man thing with a fresh angle, and he certainly has lately. Parker pumps his fist in the air! This calls for a celebration! Time for a Snickers from the vending machine!

Not so fast, pisspants. Aunt May just called to say that Gwen died. Get home immediately! Or, at least, write a news article about it!

Parker is so distraught that he webs his way home in his street clothes. Slacks, hard shoes, belt, stripey button-down, and a red tie. He looks positively professional swooping around town. Like a crime-fighting Dwight Schrute.

He finds the police already surrounding the house. I wouldn’t have let Parker through the yellow tape, but they let Parker through the yellow tape. Gwen’s body is covered by a sheet. There’s a frenzy of questions and discourse from the detectives; at some point one realizes that this is Captain “Dead” Stacy’s kid. There were no witnesses or anything of the sort. May is getting hammered with questions like “and you just let her live here?” when she notices a frowny frown of a nephew standing next to her. The detective starts questioning him now, like “And where were YOU, son? Uh huh? Uh huh? A likely story!”

“I’m sorry to do this,” the detective continues, “but I have to ask you these questions. What was your relationship to her?”

“Uh, what?”

“Were you friends? More than friends?”

“Friends only.”

“Uh-huh.”

The questions start leaning toward the “the boy fucking did it” camp, which Aunt May finds offensive. “Peter didn’t do anything to her. Look at her. How could he have done that to her?”

The Success Kid meme kid is looking worse for wear these days.

This is when Captain Jeanne De Wolfe jumps in. She just came from the case of the security guard who appeared to have died the same way. The security guard over at Empire State University where scary experiments are happening! This might be the work of a mutant!

Parker just stares all glassy-eyed and then gets permission to go inside. He rips open his backpack and stares at the Spider-Man costume all nestled in there cozy-like. More frowning happens. He’d be a millionaire if he got paid in frown-bucks.

Later, Parker and MJ “enjoy” a pizza at MJ’s house while May yells over the phone at some rando who knows Gwen’s mom. She’s out for the moment sucking dicks on the corner of 17th and Chesterfield. “If you do talk to her,” May says over the phone, “could you tell her that her daughter Gwen – The daughter she abandoned in what will go down in history as one of the single most selfish acts in the history of man – could you tell her that her daughter is dead!”

Then she calls the person on the other end of the line an IDIOT!! and slams the phone down. Then she apologizes to the youngins sitting there eating their shitty Domino’s cardboard pizza with the government cheese melted on top and walks out of the kitchen.

Bad news, Peter Parker, ol’ buckaroo. You’re not sleeping in the same bed as your girlfriend tonight. He’s set up at the foldout bed in the living room. “I wish you could just sleep with me in my room,” MJ grumbles as she gives Parker a pillow.

“Do you know who did this?” she asks.

“No.”

“I mean–”

“If I did–”

“No, I mean, was this because of, you know – is it Spider-Man related?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.”

“Are you mad at me?”

Oh Jesus, here we go… anyway…

She made fun of my fast food outfit and I clocked her in the mug.

“I don’t think I was a good friend to her at all,” Parker mumbles. MJ rolls her eyes. Then they hug it out and it’s all very touching and lovely and hey look there’s a quarter on the floor.

Now alone, Parker gathers his thoughts that aren’t about naked girls (and there aren’t many of them). She imagines MJ getting tackled by Wolverine. Then he imagines Doc Ock, and Kraven the Hunter, the Wolverine as a vampire, then Venom, then… wait a minute! De Wolfe mentioned the college. Parker then imagines Curt Connors the Ragin’ Lizard Man and perks up!

Speak of the devil, Parker catches Connors out the window of MJ’s house. He’s staring at the Parker household, which is still yellow-taped up. Well, sir, I’ll tell you what Parker does next. He runs out of the house and then… well, no, I can just show you.

Respect your elders, you little shithead.

Parker doesn’t stop there. He grabs Connors by the front of his coat and starts slapping him silly. “You killed her, you animal!! You killed a girl!! What did you do to yourself this time? You come back for me??”

The only thing Connors can think to say is “Aaggh!!”

Then he begs Parker to stop with the pummeling and the ruckus! He has no idea what Parker is even talking about! And when asked why he’s in Queens in the middle of the night, Connors gets nervous and shifty. “There was an accident at the lab,” he says, ready for another fist to the face.

Connors explains the disappearance of the experimental Venom Baby. Parker’s DNA spliced with Venom Juice. Connors knew that Parker’s dad was working on cellular regeneration, so they took a sample and–

“SHUT UP!” Parker screams. This fucking guy, Parker gives him permission to run simple experiments and this is what happens? Using the kid’s blood all willy-nilly and recklessly! And now people are dead! Auuuughhh!! This is the pits, man! THE PITS!!

And Parker keeps yelling at Curt Connors until he’s interrupted by the rustling sound of a fucking Venom Beast climbing out the bushes. So that’s the end of that issue! See you next time!

Final Thoughts

Seriously, though, I’m astonished. Is Gwen actually dead? She looks pretty damn dead. Unless something happens at the end of the story once Venom Beast is killed and the CURSE IS REVERSED, I’m thinking here that Gwen is actually dead! Everyone else who died is dead!

She outlived her usefulness in the comic series, obviously. RIP RIP RIP RIP RIP bye gwen