Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65 – “Detention”! In the previous installment, Gwen Stacy’s fuckin’ dead, Peter Parker is fuckin’ losing it, Curt Connors is fuckin’ sorry, and MJ is fuckin’, like, there. And now Connors’ partner Ben Reilly stole a vial of Parker’s blood? Come the heck on, sir. I thought we talked about this!

Parker vows to quit the Spider-Man thing, but how could he quit? We still have a trillion issues of Spider-Man and counting to go! Keep those spandex on, citizen!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #65 [November, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Detention”

Guess who landed themselves in Saturday detention? Parker, MJ, Liz, Flash, and Kong. A real breakfast club. Flash doesn’t have a stupid bowl cut anymore, but he does look like Vanilla Ice. Kong is still bald.

“What’s lil’ Parker doing?” Flash asks MJ as Parker sits at his desk catatonically.

“Leave him alone, Flash.”

“Guy’s in a coma.”

“Stop it!”

Flash gives the silence about five seconds to breathe before saying “I think he’s dead, too,” all snidely. Even Kong is alarmed that Flash said this. “Dude…”

MJ launches herself out of her desk chair and looks ready to choke a bitch. “You’re deranged!!” she says, pointing a finger right in Flash’s face. “You’re sick!! You’re the reason we’re all stuck here all day!! You!! And you still don’t get it!!”

Flash thinks they’re all here because MJ is crazy. Nobody can agree on anything! Frustrating! Being a teenager sucks!

Pardon the pun, but FLASHback to yesterday! Parker and MJ are cleaning out Gwen’s locker. The principal offers his ear if Parker ever wants to come to the office to talk. Then he says “let’s do this and just get it over with” about cleaning out Gwen’s property and leaves them to it.

Hey, we’re like a couple-a musketeers! Maybe even three of them!

MJ and Parker find a photo of the three of them taped inside the locker. “She did like us,” MJ says, boggling at the photo. Parker starts looking like he’s going to break down again, which is a perfect time for Flash “Wedgie Patrol” Thompson to show up. “What’s all the drama?” he asks, butting in. Kong stays back as MJ tells Flash to butt the fuck out.

“What’s going on?” asks Flash.

“We’re cleaning out Gwen’s locker,” says Liz.

“Oooh, free stuff? Do we get to take what we want?”

“Go away.”

“Fine, fine.” Flash starts walking. “By the waysky, great job on keeping an eye on her, Parker. Well done.”

Now this is the part where MJ goes crazy, as Flash purports! She grabs the oversized geometry textbook from Gwen’s locker, revs up, and… well… you know.

I got your hypotenuse right here, motherfucker!

One thing leads to another, pretty soon Flash is accidentally on top of Kong while MJ is purposely on Flash pulling his hair. Parker tries to pull MJ off and BOKs a teacher right in the chin, sending her flying back against the lockers.

And the rest is history! *opening credits song*

So whose fault was it? Let’s just say it’s God’s fault for creating this gay Earth and let’s move on.

Back in detention, MJ asks Flash straight up why he acts like an asshole. Sure, for attention, but let’s put that aside. “I mean, a girl died. Someone you know… died! She’s dead. Gwen’s dead and you just keep busting on everyone like it’s some big funny ha-ha. I really want to know… why are you doing this?”

Yeah, that’ll work. Flash just scowls and tells MJ to shut up, but MJ persists and you can see Flash’s tough-guy exterior start to waver. And, of course, wouldn’t you know it, MJ figures it out. And it’s such a shocker, I mean really. Who could have seen this coming? My balls have been launched into space over the revelation. “You liked her,” MJ says, eyes wide. Flash hangs his head down.

Now, over the course of the last 40 issues or so – whenever Gwen showed – there have been instances where Flash tried to talk to Parker alone. But Parker always shut the asshole down. I always wondered what he wanted, and now we all know. MJ knows too, and she’s smiling a little too widely at this. “You were going to tell him that you liked Gwen. You were going to ask for advice or ask him to tell her.”

Flash gets mad. “Shut your face!” he says like a bully in a PG movie. MJ gets that devilish twinkle in her eye and goads Flash to admit it, but he doesn’t take the bait. Flash the Virgin tells everyone to shut their chow holes and he slams his way out of the room.

Girls are icky!

Three hours later, he’s still gone. “I didn’t mean for him to wig out,” says MJ. “I thought we were going to have, like, a moment… or something. I thought I actually got through to him.”

Kong assures the rest of them that Flash is just loud. He’s not a bad guy. And this is when Parker pipes in for the first time. “Yes, he is.”

Taken aback, Kong starts telling Parker to just sit down with him and talk for five minutes, but Parker won’t hear it. “Kong, I’ve known Flash Thompson since I was seven years old. And I’ve met a lot of bad people… He is a bad person.”

Well, that settles that! Flash = Bad. Who wants Detention Cake?

And sometimes they get trapped in carbonite by Dark Lords!

Oh, we’re not done? Parker launches into a big soliloquy about Flash’s shittiness and how he sucks and picks his nose and his dad probably beats him within an inch of his life every Thursday like clockwork. Right after Wheel of Fortune. How he’s going to grow up and go from a shitty kid to a shitty man. Because this is the only way he knows how to act, and it’s encouraged by people like *thumbs at Kong* this walking blowjob. “He’s going to grow up to be a full-grown greedy, mean, selfish liar. The world is filled with them. The world is being run by them. And your ‘friend’ is one of them. You need to learn this and learn it fast.”

Kong gets defensive and asks Parker if he, too, is one of these people who gets stepped on by people like Flash to get ahead in life. And yeah, Kong, your best friend treats you like crap. “He hangs around with you- I’m sorry, but he hangs around with you solely to make himself feel superior. And the truth is- you’re 10 times the guy he is. But you let him treat you like this. You let him.”

Tough talk. “What about you, man?” Kong asks, staring daggers at Parker. “What kind of person are you?”

Parker looks down and prepares himself for the most poignant panel in the history of Ultimate Spider-Man. “I’m nothing.”

BAZINGA!

Then MJ asks “What about Spider-Man” and throws Parker off. At this, Parker runs out of the room. MJ follows even though this is DETENTION and tries to get his ATTENTION before they all get a SUSPENSION.

“Peter, I’m sorry,” MJ says.

“I’m not mad at you.”

“Then what are you?”

“I’ve just had it, MJ. It’s too much.”

Spider-Man couldn’t save everyone, yada yada yada. MJ tells him that he wasn’t there in any case of someone getting hurt or dying. “Why are you making it your fault?”

Parker’s not listening. He argues with her and then swoops away fully Peter Parker-garbed. From a rooftop, he sees muggers trying to rip off a woman’s purse. He takes advantage of this situation and lets off a little steam.

YOU WANT TO GET FUCKED UP?? YOU WANT TO GET FUCKED UP?? I’LL START FUCKING A BITCH UP!! I’LL START SWINGIN’!!

“You have to change!! You hear me!!” Parker screams like a complete wacko lunatic. “Today!! Right now!!”

He forces the thugs to apologize, then he tells them to go do something better with their lives. The woman thanks him profusely, and Parker seems to get a slight “aha” moment, but then frowns HARD and leaps back up to the roof of the building.

“Why did I just do that?”

…

“I’m sorry, Gwen.”

Final Thoughts

Whoa mama! This kid is losing his marbles! Looks like Spider-Man’s next mission will be to keep Flash Thompson from fucking a corpse! See you in the next story!