Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #66 – “Even We Don’t Believe This”! In the previous storyline, Gwen gets killed by a horrible laboratory experiment! No foolin’. She’s goddamn dead, and Peter Parker is really getting sick of everything breaking bad since he started the whole Spider-Man gig in the first place.

So he vows to quit.

Or does he?

Gwen’s dead, you guys. This is some real shit. Parker is a depressed lump now. He’s a useless sack of dog bones! Go stick your head in the toilet, kid.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #66 [December, 2004]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Even We Don’t Believe This”

It’s a sunny Friday morning and Peter Parker is sleeping with his jeans half down, exposing his polkadot underpants. Aunt May yells at the little fucker to get the fuck up, because there are boxes to pack. Well, May will be packing boxes. Parker will just be packing fudge. Get to school kid, you’re bothering me.

An anxiety-heightened Peter doubles over on his way to the basement to check on his super secret Spider-Man-type shit. He opens a Geometry book and opens his eyes in horror. “Oh no…” he thinks as Mary Jane shows up in the basement to give him the ol’ fuck-me eyes. She gives him a big fat hug, and Parker smiles wryly.

Something’s going on and it’s not only fishy, it stinks like fish, it does!

Meanwhile, a disgustingly-jacked Wolverine wakes up in his stinky, sweaty apartment. Or at least it appears to be Wolverine. This particular Wolverine has never woken up and looked like Wolverine before. He comments upon his rippling muscles, his atrocious body odor, his impossibly hairy hairiness, and… what are these things between his fingers?

Ooof! Tetanus shot time!

“What do you mean you’re not going to school?” asks MJ.

“I’m going to pass on all that,” responds Parker.

“Is something going on?”

“Yes.”

“What?”

“Do you know?”

“What?”

“You tell me.”

“What are we talking about?”

“You tell me.”

“Are you going back to being Spider-Man?”

“What?”

“Do you have to go out as Spider-Man?”

“Spider-Man, yes.”

This goes on for some time. The gist is that the costume is at MJ’s house and he needs her to scoot that stupid little butt of hers over there and grab it for him. “Trust me – high school is a colossal waste of time. You’ll see when you get older. There’s nothing there you can’t learn on a good hunt.”

Parker leaves MJ confounded as he slips back into the basement where he hears Aunt May hollerin’! Someone’s on the phone for him. It’s the Daily Bugle. Get it while the gettin’s good, it’s probably J. Jonah Jameson putting you on Sewage Treatment Plant Opening Day correspondent duty.

Parker grabs the phone and is met with the yelling cacophony of Wolverine on the other end of the line. “Is it you? Is it you? What did you do??”

The smarmy, sneering kid asks who the FUCK he’s talking to. And the pieces are all coming together! Peter Parker is Wolverine. Wolverine is Peter Parker. “Why am I in your body? Why am I looking at you in a mirror of some gross hotel in the middle of God-knows-where? What did you do to me? What kind of mutant virus did you infect me with? Why am I in your stinky dog body? Are you in my body? Are you–”

Fuck.

OK, here’s the plan, dipshit. Parker Body is going to go to school. He’s going to go to school and he’s going to do book learning and he’s going to stare at all the jailbait, sound cool?

“No.”

Well, that settles that! And I—HEY!

Parker Body says he’ll meet Wolverine Body, but Wolverine Body says he’s cut ten days this semester already and he can’t miss more school. So just go.

“OK, all right, where is it?”

“Just follow the kids. Ask someone, not my aunt, walk out of there without talking to her.”

Then they go their separate ways after Wolverine Body accidentally chops the phone in half… and, uh, severs his little finger.

Whoopsie-doodle! Another boner!

Luckily, Wolverine can regenerate a finger in about ten seconds, so all is well.

At school, MJ catches Parker Body staring at the cheerleaders and drooling like a registered sex offender.

“Where’s your book bag?” she asks.

“Book bag?”

“The bag with your books in it.”

“Dunno.”

“Are you okay?”

“Not even a little.”

Parker Body tells MJ to go play with her Barbie while he has stuff to do. MJ hands him a book bag with his costume in it. He stares at it with a shrug. “That ain’t happening.”

Long story short, Wolverine Body catches Parker Body whaling on a school security guard on the grounds! D’oh! He asks Parker Body what the ungodly fuck he thinks he’s doing. Confrontations abound. Wolverine Body tells his counterpart that he needs to go to class post haste! No skipping!

“I came to the building. You said go to the building. I saw your mouthy chick. What else you want from me?”

“They take attendance in the class!! If I skip… I’ll get expelled!!”

One more accidental SNIKT from you and it’ll be your ass on a platter.

Eventually, Parker Body is persuaded to go to class. You know, for the lols. He shows up to class and immediately gets up to pee, much to the chagrin of the teacher. “Mr. Parker, the bathroom is for students who come to class on time,” he says. Then he tells him to plant that ass back in his chair or so help him god he will expel him so fast it’ll launch his poop to the ceiling. Parker Body makes the most sourpuss face I’ve ever seen and he sits back down.

Behind him, Flash Thompson flicks his little ear and snickers. Parker Body turns around and growls, causing Flash’s eyes to grow to the size of dinner plates.

45 minutes later, Parker Body has learned a lot about E. E. Cummings! Meanwhile, Wolverine Body hides behind a dang tree wondering if he should call the X-Men about this monstrosity. His train of thought is cut off by a police chase where the passenger of the car is trying to shoot the cops with shitty little pistol. Wolverine Body, impulsively, SNIKTs and leaps onto the car. He fucking smashes into the windshield, tumbles backward, smashes into the fucking cop car’s windshield, and eats it on the road. The car flies into the air and plummets toward Wolverine Body, who looks rather forlorn at that particular moment.

The students in the classroom have gathered around the window. Parker Body frowns heavily and calls the kid an idiot.

TO BE CONTINUED?? Ah yes, to be continued!

Final Thoughts

This is exciting, isn’t it, folks?! Is Parker Body going to statutory rape a teenage girl? Is Wolverine Body going to cut off is dick just to see if it will grow back? All this and less in Issue #67!