Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Skullduggery”! In the previous installment, Charles Xavier has died and everyone is mourning in their own manner, ESPECIALLY Red Skull who scooped up Xavier’s brain! Delicious!

Everyone says Xavier’s death is Scott Summers’ fault and he’s not necessarily denying anything. Also, suddenly, Rogue’s powers aren’t working. SPOILER ALERT: SHE WON’T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS AFFECTED! Just read all the other Marvel NOW! Avengers and X-Men series for more on this fanciful development.

Scarlet Witch died, I think.

That’s about it so far. I am pretty sure that Red Skull is going to eat that brain and contract all sorts of nefarious prion diseases, and although that would make for some entertaining storytelling, they’re going to focus all their attention on poopypants Alex Summers instead. So here we go.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [January, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender
“Skullduggery”

“There was a waste. A million hours meditatin’ wouldn’t touch the dead weight on my chest. Chuck was the only father most of us had. Disappointin’ the old man is a rock-bottom pain that nothin’ can turn off. Dying at Scott’s hands… seems Chuck left with things as bad as he’d ever see.”

Wolverine even has a cowboy hat to go along with his Sawyer-from-Lost drawl. He’s very upset that shit sucks right now, even more upset that “Chuck” is dead in the middle of shit sucking, and even more upset that Scott Summers is a world-ruining wiener.

Remember the blast downtown? I barely do! But there are casualities, and it makes Captain America frown. Like this —–> :[

“Avalance was rehabilitated, Steve,” says Wolverine smartly. “Don’t see him doin’ this.”

Thor doesn’t give a shit about it, it seems. He wants to see if it just blows over eventually. Let it run its course! Avengers and mutants have been at odds since the beginning of time, just like Earth and Mars. They just never stop fighting! Just like Earth and Mars. But then he’s like “this buttfucker started a war, so he shall feel the cold wrath of MJÖLNIR!” or something to that effect. I don’t know where Thor stands. I don’t like Thor very much!

Cap placidly assures Thor that the fallen will be avenged. They are the Avengers, after all. BUT, the first priority is to stop more people from dying and—whoops, there goes another one. Heh. Cap lets everyone know that Alex Summers – Havok – has agreed to lead the Avengers for the time being, at least until someone more smart and less dumb comes around (impossible).

Wolverine doesn’t like the idea because Wolverine doesn’t like any ideas.

Grab the popcorn and watch the show, then, Wolverine. Shut the fuck up and just roll with it, bro.

But, mostly, Wolverine is upset because Cap was all “HURR DE DURR THIS IS THE WAY IT’S GONNA BE” instead of running it by Mr. Mad Mutant first. To this, Cap is like “HURR DE DURR WELL UH ALEX SUMMERS IS THE MAN FOR THE JOB”, and to this Wolverine says “Pickin’ the pretty mutants to be our public face, Steve?”

The prettier the better, guy. Plus, he’s a nice dude besides. Well groomed. Perfect teeth. Quit yer cryin’, Wolverine. Smile once in a while, too. You don’t smile enough.

Wolverine and Cap watch a man hug Havok in the distance, thanking for saving his daughter’s life. “I don’t care what they’re sayin’ about mutants… there aren’t enough heroes in the world.”

Wolverine looks sheepish while Cap flashes his mouth-breathing “I told you so” mug.

Meanwhile, Red Skull is doing something positively sinister: He’s appearing on TV news as a normal correspondent advocating for the death of mutants. He, in fact, as we see, persuades a few people, as if in a trance, to murder their loved ones and/or close friends and/or mutant fuck buddies. “Mankind murdered sixteen million mutants. When, once again, mutants number in the thousands, do you imagine they will sit back and hope things go differently this time? I think we saw their answer yesterday in New York.”

The broadcast concludes, and Red Skull is satisfied. I can tell because he’s got that rictus grin that he can’t stop! So, I guess that is to say I don’t know if he’s satisfied or not, I guess! Sorry about that deceptiveness.

Rogue has woken up upright on a platform with her limbs pinned by giant steel balls. She hopes Scarlet Witch is still alive even though she hates her guts, but we all have to stick together am I right folks ha ha.

Two mutants enter the chamber: a blue lady and a weird turtle man! The blue lady is the daughter of Avalanche. The weird turtle man is the son of the turtle who couldn’t make it through a Tootsie Roll pop without biting and that the kid should ask Mr. Owl.

Rogue tells these mopes that a war with the X-Men is not a very good idea. “I’m sorry, is the timing inconvenient?” responds the blue lady. “We didn’t choose when or where mutants ruined our lives.” And to that I say touché.

For one thing, Rogue’s big ol’ boyfriend Magneto destroyed Turtle Man’s — Mzee’s — Ethiopian village. That’s so not rad. Rogue drinks the sip of water that is proffered to her and she spits it in the blue lady’s face. Then she pours water over her own face, and this somehow aids her in wresting free from her shackles. I have no idea why, but I’ll run with it.

Then Rogue starts punching ass and taking names.

The last time I splooped someone in the face she got it in her eye and it burned.

A real fight ensues between Rogue One and Water Maid. Rogue obviously wants to avenge Scarlet Witch’s death for saving her life, if she is indeed dead. She probably isn’t because people don’t die in comic books except for a) Jean Grey, and b) Uncle Ben. And those two were nerds anyway.

Yep, she’s not dead. It’s confirmed immediately. She’s strapped to a table with Red Skull looming over her, breathing red hot skull breath in her face. Red Skull calls her a Jew, a gypsy, a mutant, “and yet so beautiful”. Listen, sir, if we’re going to be racist and sexist, at least be homophobic while you’re at it! Then you can host right-wing radio shows.

Scarlet Witch leaps off the table and produces a fireball into her hand. Tells the dude to get back. Get the hell back, in fact! Red Skull tells the woman that she’s on a cocktail of horse tranquilizers and codeine and that little stabby-stab will feel better in no time.

“It was extraordinarily brave, what you did,” Red Skull says. “Putting yourself in harm’s way to save your father’s whore.” Hell yeah, baby! Whoop whoop whoop whoop! She is not the father! Whoop whoop whoop!

Once Red Skull learned that Magneto was King Fuck of Butt Mountain, he intended to focus his entire attention on him. But he was “distracted by duty”. More like “distracted by doody”. Haha.

Red Skull appreciates the irony that Scarlet Witch wouldn’t exist if he had killed Magneto like he wanted, an irony I personally don’t appreciate but at least someone in the room does! Then he calls Scarlet Witch the “final hope of mankind”, which means she has the cure for cancer! Let’s see it! Let’s see it! Don’t hold out on me, lady!

Scarlet Witch is lead to a giant greenhouse with waterfalls and foliage and mermaids. It’s his own personal gifted school, kinda like Xavier’s gifted school without any pesky fucking mutants stinking up the place. Except you, my dear Witchy Woman! You can help Red Skull famously, he guarantees it.

Meth-addicted and unhinged? Baby, that’s a recipe for success!

Red Skull starts talking about his goofy Nazi years. His consciousness was recorded in a cloned body by Chief Science Officer Arnim Zola, of course! Preserved in a bunker, only to be revived in 70 years! And that’s *checks watch* hey, that’s now! Isn’t that silly wacky?! He awoke in America in 2012 where he saw the same shit going down that he saw in Germany in 1942. How very clairvoyant. “Mutants are the ultimate invading foreigners. You are their greatest fear–” he turns to Scarlet Witch who doesn’t look scary at all, “–and rightfully so.”

I don’t know what Scarlet Witch did, but it wasn’t good, and I’m guessing it was related to trying to genocide about 100,000,000 mutant-types. “You’ve never belonged in their world, Wanda.” Red Skull grins. “You see them for the danger they are. Deep down, you want to live in a world free of mutants.”

Scarlet Witch makes a face that’s kinda like “….yeah…..”

Red Skull is like “Wanna kill them all over again?”

Scarlet Witch thinks about it. She needs a tremendous amount of power and will. And determination. Oh yeah, and 500 bucks. “Yes. I can do it again.”

Eep!

At this inconvenient point, Red Skull gets a Nextel call that tells him that “Dancing Water” (the blue lady) and Mzee (Turtle Face) have allowed Rogue to escape! And no one knows where she is! Red Skull walks away obviously ready to throw some asses into the deep fryer.

Heil!

SUDDENLY, ROGUE SHOWS UP BEHIND SCARLET WITCH AND GRABS HER JAW AND SAYS “HEARD ALL I NEED TO” AND SCARLET WITCH SPINS AROUND AND TWOKKS ROGUE IN THE FACE AND SAYS “REMOVE YOUR HANDS FROM ME!” AND ROGUE HAD ALREADY TOUCHED HER SO THINGS ARE LOOKING UP AND–

Scarlet Witch conjures up a terrifying tempest of pink, smoky chaos and blasts Rogue with it. She sends her into Hell, basically. In reality, she finds down a hole to a secert lab for some reason that’s beyond my meager understanding. Scarlet Witch calls Rogue a trailer trash dirtbag slut from the sewer swamp and leaps down after her.

They both stop in their tracks. Charles Xavier, supine on an operating table, desecrated!

Awww, someone took a big juicy bite out of his head before I was able to get to it first!

Rogue cries. Scarlet Witch sort of snaps out of it, suddenly unable to believe that she was about to help Red Skull do his Nazi bidding. Rogue has a flashback of Xavier accepting her into the school against Storm’s wishes. Charles Xavier’s skin looks so silky smooth with youngness and paraplegic vibrance! “All mutants lead extraordinary lives, most make mistakes and deserve a chance for redemption.” Well la di da, Mr. Altruism.

Back to reality, Rogue grits her teeth. “I’ll kill him for this. If it’s the last thing I do.” Hopefully she means Scott Summers, because lol.

She means Red Skull, because he’s already in the middle of thwarting Rogue. He enters the room with his posse, including Dancing Water, Mzee, and a gaggle of other misfits. “With your dear Xavier’s brain now fused to my own, I can clearly see what your final act will be…

…BEGGING.

Final Thoughts

Meh. I still think Charles Xavier’s brain is full of prions that’s going to give Red Skull the human version of mad cow disease. He’ll be flopping all over the place soon enough, rest assured.