Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #3 – “Avengers vs. Uncanny X-Men GO!”! And let me fucking tell you, I am NOT pleased that the Avengers have bothered to show up in my X-Men adventure! Keep that shit separate, I don’t care if they just fought each other in a nine-year long war or whatever pre-2013.

Pah.

Anyway, in the previous installment, Emma Frost and Scott Summers have a little chat about their trust in one another, her inability to read his thoughts anymore, and his inability to stop thinking about humping Jean Grey in the mouth now that she can’t read his thoughts anymore! Insecurities abound.

The four new recruits have varying levels of acceptance with their new “mutants have to be mutants and help fight and you can’t return to your own life and see your family ever again”. This dynamic is the most entertaining part of the series for me so far.

And then the Avengers show up in Australia to stop the revolution-mongers. Let’s see if we can get them to shove the hell right off.

Uncanny X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #3 [May, 2013]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Avengers vs. Uncanny X-Men GO!”

On the cover, Magneto is rudely breaking apart the “Uncanny X-Men” title, proving once again that he is a Rude Gus and I, for one, will not tolerate it.

It’s flashback time. You can tell it’s a flashback because everything is in black and white, the universal monochrome designator for past events. Eva Bell, the Time-Stopping Girl, the Aussie, Tempus or Whatever, she’s giving a presentation in front of her class about who she admires most.

She admires Captain America like a fucking idiot. First of all, why anyone would admire anything about America is beyond my American understanding. Second of all, Captain America, with his IQ of 41, is the perfect embodiment of America and its people, values, and beliefs. Why anyone would admire anything about that is also beyond my (IQ of 38) American understanding.

Nevertheless, she continues: “Everybody loves him because he is an awesome superhero who does awesome things and everybody loves that he is an Avenger and everybody loves the Avengers.”

This presentation gets a big fat F from me. Good God.

Eva also admires him because if she were frozen in a block of ice and everyone she knew and loved were dead, she wouldn’t handle it with as much tact. But he did. And he doesn’t freak out too hard about it, which is cool and neat.

She also wishes they had an Australian superhero counterpart, but they don’t. So, maybe, just maybe, some day, possibly, *fart*, she’ll be the Australian counterpart. Hey, it could happen! As long as the Bad X-Men don’t sway her to the dark side with their Cyclops persuasion techniques (accidentally shooting eyeball fire at a group of kittens).

“If I ever grow up and get super powers, I will try very hard to be like Captain America except Australian. Thank you.”

Well, that was certainly a bonzer. A real fair suck of the sav. Good onya, Eva. Now sit the hell down. You get a D- and be grateful.

In the present, in Gold Coast, Australia, Eva is like “well shit, mate” when the Avengers descend upon them and demand an audience with Scott “Genocide” Summers. Also Emma “Genocide: The Reckoning” Frost. The group of young ducklings are starstruck. I’m not.

Ha, the old switcheroo! Cap’s brain will explode like Scanners!.

When Summers accuses Captain America of also being responsible for the death of Charles Xavier, Captain America goes “BRRT!” and Hawkeye wants to hear more about that piece of juicy business.

Again, I have to complain that the Avengers are here and I blame Magneto for tipping off S.H.I.E.L.D. Fuck that buzzkill.

“Avengers,” Frost begins with pointedness, “which one of us would you say is responsible for intercepting and accidentally breaking a deadly cosmic force and injecting it, involuntarily may I remind all of you, into us?”

BRRT!

“Creating an overwhelming environment where we couldn’t control ourselves?”

BRRT!

“Because you know who wasn’t responsible? It wasn’t Cyclops and it wasn’t me.”

BRRRRRT! Frost makes good points here, and she goes on to to HEAVILY FINGER Tony Stark himself for most of the blame. He doesn’t like that and he gets in her face about it like a completely guilty person would. “So it’s my fault that you took that power and did horrible things with it?”

When asked to take responsibility for his own terrible actions, Stark exclaims that he already did. The Phoenix is gone. You’re welcome. Your turn.

Scott Summers asks for a moment. Hawkeye turns to Stark and reminds him that, yeah, he did break the Phoenix in the first place. Stark tells him to shut the hell up before he makes him eat his own butt. Just pack all that butt meat right into the pie hole of his.

Are you sure? Please?

The Avengers wait rather patiently, sort of, for the X-Men to plot their next moves.

“First of all, you couldn’t kill him,” Scott tells Illyana.
“I so could.”
“I want you ready to transport us out of here the second anything gets–”
“So now my mutant name is MagicBus?”

Heh heh. MagicBus. Illyana finally concedes, and outfits Summers in his Cyclops jammies by waving her big sword vaguely in a direction.

Eva is still talking to her mother, which is where she was at the end of the last issue. She tells Mom to get back in the house and mind her own bizzo. Mom tells Eva that she’s got kangaroos loose in the top paddock; plus, the Hulk is standing right there. Shit!

Captain Marvel approaches Cyclops and tries to do some of that “think of all the good times we had! I certainly don’t hate the X-Men! Let’s hash this out like adults, what do you say?”

Scott Summers is on to her game. NO!

Captain America wonders why there are constantly attacked police and government officials in the X-Men’s wake. Frost insists that they aren’t looking for fights, they are just protecting the mutant children that the government wants to harm. Back and forth back and forth back and forth.

He who slept on it stepped on it.

Since this is Uncanny X-Men, and not a stinky Avengers title, it’s going to be the X-Men who are going to have the edge in this argument. “Rogers, I am sure you’d like to think we’ve come far in this world from your glory days during World War II, but I’m telling you firsthand, we have not. If you are a mutant in this world, you are guilty until proven innocent. If you are different, if you are like us, they will send the police, they will send the Avengers. And they will do everything they can to knock you down and then decide what to do with you.”

Summers has a point here, of course, which Hawkeye feebly tries to rebut. A crowd has now been drawn, and Summers continues to stand there and be heard! Preach, sister! Let it all out!

“Shame on you, Captain America. For not seeing that by doing nothing you are guilty as the worst one of them.

Captain America refuses to be shamed, and tells his buddy Scott that Wolverine would beg to differ. Also, his brother, Alex “Havok” Summers. Also, Marc Summers, probably.

Captain Marvel pleads one more time for Scott to stop, but Scott will not stop! He must not stop! He, for the sake of Charles Xavier, wants Captain Marvel to join them in their little revolution.

They are interrupted by a gushing Eva Bell.

“Excuse me, Mr. Captain America, my name is Eva Bell. This is my house. I’m, yeah, I’m a mutant. He’s– Cyclops is telling the truth. The minute I got my powers, the police– they tried to arrest me at gunpoint.”

Also Benjamin. Also Christopher. Also Mr. Bouncy Balls. Tony Stark starts to backpedal and mansplain that people are naturally fearful of that which they do not understand. Oldest excuse in the book! That’s some page one stuff in that big book! Why should the X-Men let them continue to be fearful? Let them continue to oppress, suppress, repress, undress, and caress? Nein!

Hawkeye draws a blunted arrow, says “Screw this”, and aims it right between Cyclops’ eyes at point blank range. Real jerk move, Robin Hood. BUT, he witnessed Cyclops kill the bald cripple, so now he must die. No one try and stop him else you get a face full of bow and arrow bullets.

Cyclops doesn’t care. He doesn’t care what they think. He doesn’t care about ANYTHING! Revolution time! Get out of his way or have the Hulk sit on their heads or whatever it is you think you want to do.

“Fine,” says Captain America with a total lack of irony, “You are under arrest for the murder of Charles Xavier.”

OH, IS HE NOW?! Who died and made you the under-arrestor? Everyone on both sides looks at Cap like he’s from Mars. Cyclops uses this as an opportunity to retaliate in kind, to let him really have it. It’s gonna get dangerous! He stands there silently and revs up…

“Go to hell.”

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if they were stuck like that forever? Even after the sun becomes a red dwarf, engulfs the sun, goes supernova, and then the heat death of the universe happens a hundred trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion years later. God, that would be so awesome.

The fight begins. But not really, because before a fight can begin the Timeless Australian panics and freezes the entire Avengers team in its tracks. Nicely done, kid. Fuck those assholes.

“Well done, young one. You get to pick dinner,” Frost congratulates her protégé. It’s gonna be vegemite. Again.

Cyclops is all like “see?” Then he transmits a message to mutantdom with respect to the Avengers’ desire to undermine them and be complete dillholes about everything.

Now’s Eva’s chance to say the goodbye she was supposed to say before the Dork Patrol showed up. Mom thinks this is her own fault, like she wasn’t a good enough mother, like they should’ve gone to church more often. Then maybe Eva wouldn’t be manipulating time so much. This is lack of church’s fault.

“Don’t sell my stuff,” Eva says before Illyana disappears the lot of them from the land down under. G’day.

They’re all back at the All-New Xavier School for Uncanny X-Children. The kids ooh and aah over what they were just part of, yada yada yada, but Cyclops is focused on why the Avengers knew they were hanging out in Australia. Captain America’s A-Team, yo. They weren’t just there on vacation, that would be quite a coincidence! No no no, someone tipped them off. Someone magnetic! I guess we’ll never know.

Illyana points out that they didn’t even know they were going to visit Australia until moments before they left. Sounds to me like it might be the guy who knew they were going but then backed out. Someone magnetic! I guess we’ll never know.

“I did,” says a voice, referring to the telling-someone-part. It’s Magneto. He’s magnetic. I also think it’s pretty funny that he showed up and copped to it before any of them even had a real chance to suspect him. lol. A real brainy operation they’ve got here.

You get over here right now. I will spank your ass ruddy.

“There is a new Sentinel program. We are victims of it,” Magneto says, beginning a soliloquy of defensiveness and/or playing both sides and/or listening to himself talk. The government is spending a lot of money again to try and kill them. Let’s find out who and why!

Cyclops doesn’t understand what this has to do with selling them out to the Avengers. Sounds a lot like the government selling them out to the Sentinels, if you ask me. Magneto has some real ‘splainin’ to do.

OK, full disclosure: fuck you, Scott. You ruined everything! So Magneto told S.H.I.E.L.D. all about what you were doing to gain their trust! Does that sound positively not-flimsy?? I’m glad we can be buds again.

“This is unacceptable, Erik,” Scott complains. I have a feeling he’ll change his tune in about fourteen panels, especially since Frost disagrees (and we all know where in her he wants to stick it). Magneto agrees that it’s acceptable! S.H.I.E.L.D. trusts him now; he couldn’t tell the rest of them yet or it would’ve blown his cover; they gave me a bunch of baseball cards as a thanks! Everything is cool.

This all doesn’t sit well with Cyclops because Magneto lone-wolfed this decision and Cyclops is supposed to be the self-appointed leader here, dagnabbit. Stop leaving him out of everything, Erik the Magnet. It’s not jake. It’s less than jake.

Magneto is done with this conversation! Everything worked out fine! Let’s watch some TV! Oh, it’s the news! I’m sure it doesn’t have anything relevant to report, let’s just turn–

“My daughter is a good girl. And– and– and this Scott Summers made some good points. The Avengers and all that – they seem awfully threatened.”

Hey, Eva’s mom looks pretty good on TV! And Scott settles down a bit. OK, fine, the public is already starting to side with Not-the-Avengers a little bit. +1 EXP on the revolution, as Ms. Marvel might say. Maybe +3.

If two X-Men bone and no one is around to see it, does it actually happen?

Frost convinces Scott, finally, to listen to his good ol’ buddy Erik and start lightening the fuck up. He smiles coyly in a lightening-the-fuck-up manner.

“The Australian National Guard is on its way and are asking for anyone in the area to please stay away,” says the reporter in front of the large blue ball that the Avengers are still time-trapped within. While they’re trapped, Illyana suggests going to Avengers Tower and clogging up all the toilets with their mutant feces. Scott finds this to be an attractive idea, but maybe not the part about pooping in their building.

“Students. Go settle in and make yourselves at home. The faculty is going on a field trip…”

The field trip isn’t where I thought it was going to be! They go back to the real mutant school. The actual mutant school. Not the rinky-dink, shoddy operation that Cyclops thinks they all have going.

They go the grounds of the Jean Grey School of Malfunctioning Danger Rooms for reasons that are unknown in Issue #3! Onward to Issue #4!

“…to me, my X-Men…” Cyclops smiles while a group of young students cower.

Final Thoughts

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO THERE?! ARE THEY GONNA FIND BEAST AND KITTY PRYDE AND WOLVERINE AND *checks roster* CYCLOPS?

Wait, not Cyclops.