Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #2 – “DYS”

* Part 2 of 5 of the Style > Substance storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #2 – “DYS”! In the previous installment, the wheels are in motion in many different directions! A woman named Kate is in outer space with an alien named Noh-Varr and then their ship gets attacked by Skrulls! A boy named Billy pulls who he thinks is his boyfriend Teddy’s mother from another dimension, but she’s definitely not that at all! Loki caught wind of Billy’s occult endeavors and tried to stop him with death, but Miss America intervened and chased him away.

Wait, I guess that’s not too many different directions! It seemed like it to me at first because I only know how to count to three.

The recap page is a cringey social media interface – Yamblr. It has trending topics like “SO MANY FEELS” and “bacon divination”. Recap blurbs end with hashtags like “#slightly uncomfortable fourth wall breaking” and “#can’t quite put my finger on it”. Kids these days, man. Or any days, for that matter.

Young Avengers (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [April, 2013]
Written by: Kieron Gillen
“DYS”

THE MORNING AFTER A MIRACLE (aka Billy brought back a Teddy’s Mom Demon), Billy barges into Teddy’s room at noon to wake him up. He’s been awake for hours, but he’s too scared to get out of bed. What if there are monsters under the bed ready to nip at his ankles?! Eek! That shit would be bacon divination!

He’s scared because “either I get up and my mom’s there… or she’s not.”

Yes, both terrifying options. Small talk with Mom? What kind of topics are going to come up? “Hey, you burned to death in front of me once, do you want a muffin?” or “Hey, your limbs are stretchier and gooier than I remember. Everything ok?

Billy looks sad for his boyfriend buddy. He’s about to give him a nice ol’ caress, but then he gives him a gentle ol’ caress! See what I did there? Billy holds his hand. They share a stare. “Come downstairs,” Billy says with a glint in his eye that also says “…or else.”

Foster Mom is at the table knitting. Foster Dad is at the table reading a newspaper. They seem fine to me and not at all suffocated, so they are obviously pod people. Teddy’s “mom” is making breakfast. She tells Teddy that she’ll allow his late sleeping just this once, and that Billy can’t talk at the table. Demon or no demon, it’s awfully presumptuous to bark commands at these kids as if she’s ever been in their lives. I’d be like “go suck a dick, lady, who do you think you are? Someone’s mom??”

Yo, I got two things to say to you, Mom. *lifts left middle finger* *lifts left middle finger again*

Billy raises an eyebrow. “How do you know about that?” he asks her, referring to Teddy on the rooftop. She tells Billy to cork it and eat his breakfast. Rude. The least she could do at this point is, you know, leave their lives forever.

“And as much as I am grateful to Billy for bringing me here, you’re far too young to have any boyfriend. Perhaps in a decade or two…”

Billy gives Teddy’s dear old controlling narcissistic mother the side eye and turns to his pod parents. “Ms. Altman is right,” says Pod Mom, smiling. “You have so much potential, Billy, and you can’t waste it like this.” Pod Dad chimes in: “We only want what’s best for you, son.”

Well, this is a great way to get a shitty, self-destructive and rebellious kid. Billy has already had it with this woman. He lifts a magic hand and starts saying some words without spaces! “backwhenceyoucamebackwhence–” etc.

“No, Mr. Kaplan. I don’t think so,” says “Mom”, stroking her chin. She somehow counters his mage-like magic magician-like mayhem and sends him toppling backward. “Don’t think you’re bad just because you failed,” she tells him, crossing her arms and giving him a look of tired disapproval. “You tried, and that’s all we ever want. Your parents are very proud of you.”

MY REAL MOM DOESN’T TURN INTO A PUDDLE OF STRANGE LIQUID WHEN I UPPERCUT HER FACE!

Pod Parents continue to ape what “Mom” is telling the two boys while “Mom” presents a giant white square that looks like a very clean piece of paper. “I think you should both go to your room and cool off. It’s a new room. I made it just for you.”

Cool man, I– wait a minute! That’s not a room! What the hell is going on?! Is this Crazy Town?! Pod Parents start dragging Billy toward the white square on the floor. “Mom” goads Teddy into joining, but then Billy starts goin’ Crazy Town and punches the three adults into goo. Hulkin’ Teddy lifts Billy over his shoulder and walks away, but because this is only Issue #2 out of a five issue storyline, it’s not this easy. The goo starts reforming into a smiling woman-shaped Mom-like thing! Gah!

Teddy turns into a pterodactyl and busts through the wall to the outside, carrying Billy into the sky. Pod Dad, arms akimbo and grinning, stares outside of the 4ft hole his son created. “Kids, eh, Ms. Altman? Always trouble at that age.”

“Mom” phases the wall back into place as if she were reversing time. “We were all young once. They’ll learn.”

Off to Avengers Mansion. This is a task for a few of Earth’s Mightiest McDonald’s Kids Toys! Captain America! Tony Stark! The guy with the bow and arrow! Spandex lady! Jump man!

“Hulkling and Wiccan,” Billy calls into the buzzer. Security cleared, go ahead and ruin the Avengers’ day off. The one day off they get in a decade and a couple of snot-nosed chucklefuck teenagers are going to spoil with with “my mom is a walking lump of ooze”. Teddy’s all like, my mom may be some creepy evil alien entity or something, but at least the Avengers Mansion is sorta cool! Priorities.

Billy spills the beans to the room: scary occult powers, mothers back from alternate dimensions, someone figure this out for us please.

He calls the Scarlet Witch “Wanda” instead of “Mom”, and I’d like to know why she dumped this kid off into foster care instead of raising him herself. Very selfish, working to save the whole world instead of raising one reckless little Magic Boy.

Scarlet Witch agrees to help them out. They know exactly how to deal with this! Evil alternate dimension monsters LOVE grilled cheese sandwiches! We just put one on a hook and hover the fishing rod over–

“Here you go, Ms. Altman.” Scarlet Witch and the rest of the Avengers are at Teddy and Billy’s place, throwing the kids back into their care. “Hope they didn’t scare you with their running away.”

Don’t worry, the boys are in good hands. Well, not hands, but whatever it is, it’s good!

Pod Dad has glued the kids to the wall with his arm spooge. “CAPTAIN! CAN’T YOU SEE? HEL–” screams Billy, but Cap cuts him off. “Be a grown-up, William. This is beneath you.”

OK, bye bye, Avengers! Thanks for helping! Don’t let the door hit your fantastically toned asses on the way out. Pod Parents latch onto the kids and start dragging them toward the large white square again. We see Billy get thrown into this void with a two-dimensional black rectangle trap. He mimes around in it. “I’ve made a mess of this. So bad. What can I do?”

Billy sad-sacks into the corner of the cartoonish rectangle he finds himself permanently trapped within. OR IS HE?! Is he? I’m asking. Oh, maybe I should keep reading.

Some dude kicks open the corner of this 2D rectangle. “Now, let’s make a suitably hasty escape.”

“Loki?”

It’s Loki.

“What’s going on?” Billy asks.

“Nothing much. You just let an interdimensional parasite in despite my best efforts to try and stop you.”

Aha! Interdimensional parasite! Of course! Loki’s gonna help, he’s gonna make everything all sorts of right as rain again! They climb around more void rectangles looking for Teddy, who must be around here somewhere… hmm, you know, barely anyone gets out alive within these here rectangles. Heh heh, but we’ll find him. Promises!

A Son-of-Thor always keeps his promises! Loki finds the right box and Billy hoists his hefty boyfriend right out of it. “Loki, we owe you,” Billy breathes gratefully. “Sure you do,” Loki responds. “Do you have your wallet?”

Bizzapp. Grrrrziiippp. Frzzz. Loki transports the three of them hella away from there and into one of those diners Loki loves so much. Brrzoort. Frpp.

“I’ve returned with coin-possessing friends to settle my tab twice over and gift you most handsomely with for your service, patience, and sausages,” Loki tells the diner guy effusively. He sounds like he means it!

75% tip and I give you a big bear hug.

They take a seat and get down to brass tacks. No steel tacks here! Not even stainless steel tacks! This creature takes advantage of youngins with magical powers. i.e. Billy, the dumb kid we see before us. Loki has a few ideas on how to get back their parents from the Hell grip of Interdimensional Parasite Lady. “But you’d have to trust me,” Loki tells them, which is a major caveat. Teddy and Billy look at each other like they’d rather trust a scorpion with the fox’s grapes. Or something similar that actually resembles an Aesop fable.

Teddy and Co. (Billy) ask for a moment alone, which Loki allows with great pleasure so that he can go to the counter and order, and I quote, “bacon engulfed in a floury roll with the ketchup condiment”.

After seven seconds of deliberation, Teddy and the rest (Billy) agree to allow Loki to help them. So now what, Mr. Smartypants Man? What are the ideas?? Hmm? Gonna hit Mom with a frying pan? Gonna lay a trail of breadcrumbs leading to a dumpster for her to climb in? Spill.

Billy gives him some leads. When he was casting a spell, he felt something “lurch” (in his pants lol) and he heard a strange word in a strange language (in his pants lol?). And it sounds an awful lot like that language Loki uses. Interesting! Let’s go to Asgardia about it, which apparently exists outside of Broxton, Oklahoma. I don’t know why. Maybe you do. Loki doesn’t want to, because “his people” are going to “have a problem” with “him” just like how “Teddy and Billy” have a “problem” with “homework”.

“He sure is squirming a lot,” Pterodactyl Teddy comments as they arrive in Asgardia. “They do crazy Norse torture stuff, I bet.”

They look for a way in and are instead presented with a large, blue fireball hurtling toward them. It speaks! “I should thank you. This troublesome rodent has escaped his father long enough.”

This giant blue guy that emerges from the fireball is named Laufey. Laufey, as the kids understand it, is supposed to be dead! Loki looks like he ate an entire watermelon and pooped out a pineapple.