Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 3: “Family”! In the previous installment, there’s a super secret unknown detective guy named “L” who has taken on the case of the mysterious dead criminals. L bats 1000 on every case. He’s the best.

And he already knows Raito is located in the Kanto region of Japan. And since he is only known as “L”, Raito can’t murder him with pen and paper. This really sticks in Raito’s craw, and he vows to find this douchebag and kill him.

It all seems so very psychologically healthy.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 3
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“Family”

This chapter begins in the location of…a frightening, spiral tunnel of dead trees and skeleton pals? It must be other Shinigami, gossiping around the water cooler about that dumbfuck Ryuuku losing his Death Note and having it become instantaneously retrieved by the worst human on Earth who could have found it.

So now Ryuuku has to wait until the human dies OR the notebook gets filled up completely before he gets it back. And, as we all know, Raito writes in teeny, tiny, feminine scrawl. It’ll take decades.

Rumor has it, though, that Ryuuku has two notebooks. Plus, this guy wouldn’t be one to “accidentally” lose Death Note. This smooth operator probably did this on purpose.

Back in Raito’s homestead, they sit in silence. Ryuuku stares at the lad with reverent fixation. Raito doesn’t feel like doing anything about his situation just yet; he’s going to wait and see what the police come up with first.

“All you hear about these days is talk about L and Kira. I can’t escape it,” he mumbles, perhaps a little bit proud of his notoriety. He thumbs through a couple magazines that all claim that L and Kira are fictitious entities. Merely inventions of the police in order to scheme their way through assassinating political enemies. Yada yada yada. Raito’s just gonna take it easy and let it play out.

“‘Take it easy’?” mocks Ryuuku, “For somebody who’s got the entire world’s police force hunting for him, you sure have some confidence.”

If there’s one thing a Shinigami knows… *sunglasses* …it’s confidence, Jack.

Confidence! That’s the ticket. Confidence is what Raito’s got in spades, son. Confidence is why he knows he can fight back if the authorities start closing in on him. Fisticuffs! That’ll be a sight to see: Chapter 48, Raito flailing his limbs at the police in between breaths into his inhaler.

The knob on Raito’s bedroom door starts rattling. “Raito, why’d you lock the door?” asks his cloying, overly-happy sister. I think. The sound of the locked door rattling displays the following onomatopoeic cadence: KACHA KACHA KACHA! My favorite dance.

Raito panics. “Oh, Sayu. What is it?” he scrambles to hide his Little Black Book, a real Nixon’s Enemies List. “Help me with my homework!” she says. Whines, possibly. When the door is unlocked and Sayu makes her appearance, she looks annoying. She wears leggings and a frilly hip-level dress. “Quadratic equations!” she chirps. Raito accommodates. Ryuuku tells him to be careful. “If a human touches the Death Note, they can see me!”

Ha! That complicates things, doesn’t it! Looks like you need to find a fantastic hiding spot for your Book of Grim Death, poopypants. Might I suggest your cavernous butthole?

Raito smirks amusedly at the Shinigami, wondering why this important kernel of knowledge waited until now to make itself known. Sayu is being Mrs. Snoopy and prowling around Raito’s room.

Oh my, these ladies are doing unspeakable acts with sea creatures!

She happily discovers some porn on the floor. “So that’s why you locked the door! Any dirty pictures?” she interrogates with rapt attention. No way, sis! Gross! Raito is Japan’s most persisting incel and you know it! “I was taking a look at the article on L and Kira,” he claims, concealing his little teenage erection.

Sayu believes the story. After all, Raito has spoken on numerous occasions of his ambitions to become a police detective someday. Even Ryuuku starts to get nervous about this display of dishonest confidence. “But how long does he think this can last?” the smiling death fairy asks himself, “What’s he thinking?”

Elsewhere, the man know as L ruminates over his thrilling encounter with Kira. He plays back his recorded conversation with Mr. Death Note murderer, wondering aloud why, exactly, Kira wasn’t able to kill him. What’s the secret? What’s the angle? What’s the scoop? What’s the biz? What’s the skinny?

This L cat looks like a teenager too, honestly. Long, greasy hair. A t-shirt. Baggy jeans. “Did he just not try because I’m not a criminal? No…in that situation he definitely must have tried to kill me. So it must have been because he didn’t know what I look like.”

Wrong wrong wrong wrong WRONG! He didn’t know your name, dingus! Haven’t you been reading this story?

Trenchcoat Man comes in on the laptop screen. Watari, L’s only contact. “The investigator’s report is about to begin,” he informs this disheveled L of a possible child. “Good, patch me through,” instructs L. He’s one accidental “Display Video” button away from revealing his super-secret identity. He should be wearing a bag over his head.

In other news: rain is wet!

The VICIOUS CRIMINAL SERIAL MURDERS SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE FORCE (seriously, that’s the name of the department) briefs L on what’s what. It’s nothing groundbreaking.

OK, here’s some business: all the deaths occurred between 4pm and 2am, Monday through Friday, Japan time. Oooooh, a daily 10-hour window? That really narrows it down.

On weekends and holidays, there’s no consistent pattern.

Cool, bro. Not helpful. What else you all got? Sparky! You’re up!

The department has received 3029 calls from the general public. Most of them were inquiries about the legitimacy of the L broadcast, the legitimacy of L, the legitimacy of Kira. In short, the general public thinks this all a stupid, limp-dicked hoax.

14 calls were by individuals with claims that they are close personal friends with L or Kira. Butt buddies, if you will. None of them are credible.

21 people claim they ARE Kira! They’re looking into that.

Cool, bro! Not helpful! Still not helpful! What are y’all doing all day, daydreaming about getting that Marilyn Manson rib-removal surgery? Who’s got something useful to say?

Matsuda might. This guy stands up and gives his opinion that Kira killing all the criminals has brought crime down tremendously. Good for him!

*crickets*

OK, end transmission! BUT WAIT, ONE MORE THING! L has something to say, specifically to the Victims Unit, the Media Unit, and the Internet Unit. “I’d like you to carefully examine how the Japanese media reported information on these victims. I need to know whether or not images of the perpetrators were shown. Thank you for your cooperation.”

End transmission! What a big garbage bag of nothing. The Director of Murder Affairs, or whatever, tells his people to either “keep working or go home and rest up”, which sounds like a spineless display of leadership to me. Keep working! Or don’t! It doesn’t matter to me, I get paid either way!

Hey, wait a minute, I think you’re onto something here, sir!

The Director of Murdery Murders leaves the building and starts heading home, but this Matsuda guy catches up with him. “The announcement I made…’crime is falling’. If you think about it, everyone already knew. Do you think I should have kept it quiet?”

Director Spielberg tells him not to be ridiculous! All opinions are worth expressing, even the stupid ones! Just don’t…don’t, like, be TOO enthusiastic…like…outwardly, you know?

MEANWHILE, Raito is being quite the helpful, yet porn-addicted, older brother. He seems to be helping Sayu with her homework with poise and grace. Much like Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis! If you don’t get that reference, you need to watch more Seinfeld and read less fucking manga.

The doorbell rings. “Looks like Dad got home early,” Sayu observes. I don’t know about you, but when I come home from work I’m not ringing the goddamn doorbell to my own house.

“You’re back?” asks Raito.
“Yeah, I’m back,” answers his father.

His father is the Director! Oh snap, yo!

The family eats their evening meal while Ryuuku leers over them like an even more autistic Edward Scissorhands.

Would you like to join us for dinner? We have plenty of black squid ink California rolls and Mountain Dew.

The family has a very boring family conversation that isn’t even worth transcribing. Even the manga fan who translated this shit from Japanese to English shouldn’t have bothered.

“Dad, you seem tired,” Raito observes.
“Yeah, I’m working on a tough case, that’s why. It’s like trying to catch a ghost,” he mumbles tiredly. Like a tired man trying to catch a ghost, he is!

They’ve got a breakthrough in the case, though! Bitches being killed between 4pm – 2am on Mondays through Fridays. It’s possible the perpetrator is a student.

The room goes silent.

“Let’s not talk about this at dinner time,” urges Raito’s seemingly 19-year-old mother, but Dad presses on. “Raito’s helped me on cases before,” he adds.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE! Well, the confidence part makes sense, according to Autistic Edward Scissorhands. Dad’s a police detective. Director of Only Murders in the Building! The plot thickens like so much sweet, sweet gravy.

After dinner, Raito excuses himself and tells his mother not to enter his room. He’ll be cleaning. Yeah, cleaning. Cleaning his testicles completely free of semen, that is.

Mother is suspicious. She cleans Raito’s room EVERYDAY after dinner! Curious.

“Looks like my big brother’s growing up!” exclaims Sayu with misguided admiration.

Raito looks like he’s seen a ghost! That ghost his dad’s been chasing. Ryuuku eats this up. “Well, well, not only do they know you’re in Kanto, but they also know you’re a student.”

Eat shit, Pops. I’m killing you next. You and every other police detective on Earth, bro.

Don’t worry, Raito’s always one step ahead…after he finds himself three steps behind! Confidence. Time to up his game. He rereads the Death Note rules to Ryuuku. The whole thing about not writing the cause of death within 40 seconds means it’ll be a heart attack, but writing the cause of death within 6 minutes and 40 seconds means it’s be whatever you want it to be: drowning in ketchup, masturbation fiasco, prolapsed anus, launched into space, choking on a rat! The possibilities are endless!

Nah, he gets boring with it instead. It’ll still be “heart attack”, but now he can add some conditions to throw everyone off the scent. Now people are dropping every hour on the hour, like clockwork. That shoots all sorts of Swiss cheese holes right through the student theory. Everyone at the VICIOUS CRIMINAL SERIAL MURDERS SPECIAL INVESTIGATIVE FORCE (or the catchy acronym “VCSMSIF”) is up in arms over this, but not L. This L fella tells everyone to cool their jets. “He’s trying to tell us…he can kill whenever he wants,” exclaims L over the laptop.

“He’s challenging me directly…” thinks L, the disheveled whipper-snapper.

At Casa de Raito, the little felon congratulates himself on throwing the feds off the scent. “However, there’s still another problem to face…you’re visible to whoever touches the Death Note right?” he asks the leather-clad death clown. That little tidbit of info scares Raito. He hasn’t taken the notebook out of his sight since, but he’s also incredibly nervous carrying it around town. One theft and it’s CHAOS. He’ll still need to keep it at home.

“If Kira isn’t careful…he’ll end up…KILLING HIS WHOLE FAMILY.”

*jovial end credits*

Final Thoughts

I hope Raito kills his whole family. Gonna have to kill Pops eventually! He’s like Walter White’s brother-in-law Hank, gonna have to go at some point.