Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 5: “Eyeballs”! In the previous installment, Raito buys a bunch of crazy supplies and rigs his desk up to explode if the secret compartment that contains the notebook is breached in any one of the 900 incorrect ways to breach the secret compartment.

Meanwhile, L is certain that Kira is one of the main investigators of his own Kira case. He arranges for the American FBI to start spying on the Japanese police and report to him with any findings of interest.

Raito spends a lot of time jerking off, but we don’t actually see that in the book. Be assured that it happens, though!

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 5
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“Eyeballs”

A lot has happened already. Why, just at the end of the last chapter we had L ask for the American FBI’s involvement, and here at the beginning of this chapter L already has a list of FBI people working on the case. Clarice Starling! Fox Mulder! Dana Scully! Foxxy Cleopatra!

Oh wait, the FBI has a list of other personnel working on the case. That was confusing for a second. L just has to go through, one by one, and he’ll find his Kira. No wonder this slog has 108 chapters.

At school, Ryuuku chills alongside Raito as he meanders through his usual high school routine. Like his shadow. Or a lost, sad puppy.

“Raito, I need to tell you something,” Ryuuku urges.
“I told you not to talk to me in public,” Raito snaps, displaying his position of UPPER HAND. What if Ryuuku needs to use the bathroom? You don’t want him pissing his leather pants, do you?

Ryuuku convinces him to pull themselves aside so they can speak candidly. You know it’s the beginning of a good conversation when a Shinigami death god starts his awkward conversation with “I don’t hate you, and in some ways I feel you’re the perfect owner of the Death Note…”

I don’t hate you and I think you’re perfect! BUT…

Listen poopypants, when dealing with humans you’ll ALWAYS be on L’s side, if you catch my drift.

But he ain’t pickin’ sides.

Raito stops for a second, obviously taken aback. But he doesn’t let on. “I already know this,” he says smugly, not knowing it already.

“So I don’t care if what you’re doing is right or wrong,” insists Ryuuku, who likely cares in at least one of those directions more favorably. “But since we live together there’s something I have to say.” Ha! Raito’s been leaving the toilet seat up, hasn’t he? Resentment is already manifesting in this marriage!

Ryuuku spends some more panels hemming and hawing, talking more about talking about it than actually talking about it! Tsugumi Ohba really got his money’s worth with the bottle episode of a chapter so far.

“What I’m about to say isn’t for Kira… it’s just that I feel uncomfortable not saying it… I’ve been following you this whole time, so I noticed immediately… it’s quite annoying… for the past two days…”

“…you’ve been followed by somebody.”

Fuckin’ lol. This Shinigami is a real dickhead, isn’t he? Best character by far. To me, I think it’s hilarious that the language is “hey buddy, I’ve been following you, so let me tell you something: you’re being followed”. Thanks Professor Albert Edison, you brain surgeon you!

And yes, Raito is being followed as we speak. The dude’s like twenty feet behind him.

“How annoying. I’ll get rid of him as soon as possible,” declares Mr. DeadJournal. Luckily for him, this dude has only seen a teenage student doing kid stuff like hopscotch and kickin’ the can and lickin’ giant lollipops. Now Raito’s got UPPER HAND! This will happen a lot, won’t it?

Raito arrives at home and starts ruminating about L’s current tactics. He’s suspicious of the whole investigation team, including his dad, so does L have someone spying on the investigation team?

The kid thinks he’s safe for now, but if he doesn’t nip this in the bud quick then it may become harder to deal with months down the line.

Here, try this name. It could work, it might be your guy! Ready? R-I-C-K-Y G-E-R-V-A-I-S

“How should I ask his name without arousing suspicion?” Raito thinks. What could be suspicious? Like, a kid asks for the guy’s name and he’s going to be like “WHY?! SO YOU CAN WRITE IT IN YOUR DEATH NOTE AND I’LL BE DEAD IN EXACTLY 40 SECONDS?! NICE TRY.”

Ryuuku finds it prudent to butt in again at this junction. “There are two key differences between a Shinigami and a human who uses the Death Note,” the leather god says, flashing him two stupid gloved fingers with stupid rings on them. “Do you know why the Shinigami have to use the Death Note?” He presents a veritable Riddle of the Sphinx here. A real “who walks on three legs at night” affair.

For the first time in almost 300 pages, Raito cracks a smile.

It’s unsettling.

If this were America, Raito would have shot up his school a long time ago.

Ryuuku explains that a Shinigami can “use a human’s life”, which means that if you fudge the numbers and cook the books and jot down the wrong age of the victim in the book, the difference in age is actually added to the Shinigami’s life. PAR EXEMPLE, let’s say you cause some 60-year-old pervert to snuff it while he’s stroking himself in a noose. Put his age as 40 in the book, BAM! Instant twenty years added to the Shinigami lifespan! No strings attached!

“So as long as the Shinigami doesn’t get lazy, he’ll never die,” Ryuuku smiles, “even if he gets shot or stabbed.”

But those are the only two! Drownings, decapitations, everything else applies.

Here’s what Tom wants to know! If I were a Shinigami, what would stop me from putting the victim’s age as -5,000,000? Seems like an easy way to only have to think about it…like, once.

“But I’ve seen Shinigami who died because they became too lazy and didn’t write down new names for several hundred years,” says Ryuuku, proving my nagging suspicions that these death gods are morons. No better than humans, it seems.

Oh man, check out this dingus, further proving me correct in unimaginable ways: “I’m not sure of this myself, but I heard it’s possible to kill a Shinigami.” It’s like, how stupid are you? Jesus.

Looks like Ryuuku immediately regrets the outburst that will likely be the cause of his downfall by Chapter 30. He pivots to the topic of human beings with respect to Shinigami feelings. That is to say, Shinigami are ambivalent! They don’t care if humans are happy or sad or angry or mean or nice or evil or good or having sex or pooping. Shinigami take humans for no other reason other than to pad out their own mortality. It’s sad really. Seems purposeless and nihilistic!

“Ryuuku, you’re so silly!” Raito blurts out tactlessly, a big shit-eating grin on his face. Why, every time a Shinigami comes down to Earth the human beings are all different! What, every hundred to thousands years or so? Come on! Guns, paper, electricity, Apple Watches, global warming, bitcoin? If Shinigami are so stagnant and boring, then observe the human world and apply it to YOUR world! Easy!

Yeah, optimistic like a nuclear fucking bomb.

And whoops, looks like Raito betrayed some suppressed, optimistic notions about humanity after all! Why not? Raito’s an optimistic kind of guy! He wants to help his world, after all! Just remember that he believes this about himself when he starts genociding like crazy.

But here’s your bubble-bursting moment anyway, Raito. You’re a fleshy, stinky human being. Gaming the death dates isn’t going to start packing the years onto your life. So that’s ONE difference between you, the stinky human, and him, the pointy death god.

Here’s another difference: “We Shinigami can simply look down on the human world, and choose which human’s name to write on the Death Note…most of the time we just pick the first human we see.”

And how does a Shinigami just magically know the name of Caohime Saorise Sinead O’Sullivan from Dublin, or Billy-Joe Bobby Bart-John Billy-Duke Barney-Bob Grady from Little Rock, Arkansas? Easy.

“THE EYE OF THE SHINIGAMI…” he says, getting two inches from Raito’s face, baring his sharp clown boy fangs. “A SHINIGAMI CAN LOOK AT A PERSON’S FACE AND SEE THEIR NAME AND LIFESPAN.”

Raito starts freaking out, filling his little jockey shorts with feces.

So here’s the pivotal point of the early story, obviously. Raito needs to figure out how he can add years to his life and how to get some Shinigami Eyes. I guess I finally confirmed my nagging suspicion that Grimes is a fan of Death Note. Of course she is.

OK, weirdo, I heard you the first time.

Here’s some more Shinigami 411 for you, kid, since Ryuuku can’t seem to keep any of this to himself: when the Shinigami and the human who touched the Death Note “make a deal”, they can trade eyes.

Sounds like a bunch of rules are getting made up as we go along here to me. Next we’ll hear that Shinigamis can only be summoned on Thursdays, but only if there’s no football on TV.

There’s a price for trading eyeballs, though. Listen to this shit, Sparky, you’ll get a kick out of this. Half your remaining lifespan. If you’re due to die in 50 years, BAM! Emeril-style! It automatically becomes 25 years for a couple of these bad boys! *points to peepers*

Long story short, Ryuuku knows exactly when Raito is slated to kick the bucket, but he’s going to withhold this information for funsies.

Raito looks like he’s already made up his mind. He’s drooling like a mofo. “As long as you see their face, you will know what anyone’s name is…”

Final Thoughts

Twist! Raito has butt cancer and he’s only going to live another six days. Now it’s three. How exciting! 103 more chapters to go; expect a lot of butt cancer storyline!