Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 7 – “Target”

* Part 7 of 7 of Vol. 1 – “Boredom” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 7: “Target”! In the previous installment, Raito formulates a plan to throw off the scent of the guy spying on him. The plan involves him killing people in a manner that…throws everyone off the scent. The plan also involves calling some girls.

It sounds like something really fucked up is going to happen. This is the last chapter of Death Note Vol. 1. I hope you hated it as much as I did.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 7
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“Target”

“Going on a date to an amusement park? What kind of plan is that?” rebukes Ryuuku impatiently! Grumpily! I have to agree, Ryuuku. What the hell is this? Does Raito want a funnel cake?

It’s a date! A date with a girl! “Going on a date won’t rouse suspicion from the follower,” Raito explains to his young death god friend. I still think that’s a stupid idea. Raito wants to get his sociopathic bone on, obviously. Pretty flimsy plan with respect to Death Note matters, honestly.

Ryuuku, nonetheless, looks quite excited. He always looks excited. He clearly doesn’t find Raito’s plans annoyingly convoluted like I do. Perhaps being a death god is a boring existence and watching paint dry is a notch below whatever all this rigamarole is.

Raito approaches his unlucky date. “I’ve always wanted to go to Space Land since middle school,” she says, winking. Uh huh. Raito looks bored out of his skull already, wanting nothing more than to get away from this girl so he can go home and jerk off.

The girl is slightly confused, since Raito insisted that he wasn’t going to be going out at all until exams were finished! And Raito’s all like “uh, heh, well, uh, I changed my mind.” This is gripping storytelling. I hope they have fun at Space Land riding the Space Rocket to the Space Moon.

Raito and Unnamed Girl board a bus, and–

OH FUCK, WHO’S THAT?? This complete child molester is still following this kid, right on cue! He boards the bus too and starts making mental notes such as “usually he goes out to school, but now he’s going to an amusement park? He is obviously a kid.”

“Inspector Yamagi’s son is not suspicious,” this man says, jotting down his findings on a pad, “there is no need to further investigate this family.”

That’s it?! That’s all it took? Raito just had to step into Six Flags for seventeen seconds and he became completely absolved of all cautious distrust?? I want my money back! Boo!

Let’s close the book on this one! He vows to conclude the investigation completely after today. Hopefully Raito doesn’t do anything horribly incriminating within the next few hours!

Excellent! My REAL date has shown up!

So, yeah, just when this detective decides to call it quits, an incredibly creepy man boards the bus. Raito orgasms with delight that there are now eight people aboard. “PERFECT!” he thinks. Yes, yes. Eight. The immaculate number.

Our new passenger removes a gun from his sweatshirt, pulls back the hammer, and points it at the driver’s head.

“I’M HIJACKING THIS BUS!!” he proclaims!
“Eh?” says the driver, understandably confused. His reaction is suited for tackling a calculus problem rather than being threatened with a gun, but I never pretended that this was good writing!

“W…WAAAAA!” screeches another passenger. “AH…” goes another. A real range of emotion here. Raito sits stoically, almost smirking. Like he’s got everything under control.

Don’t make me turn this bus around! There will be no Space Land for anyone!

“Driver, you know the phone number to Space Land, right?” asks the crazed gunman. And it’s his lucky day, because all bus drivers are required to know the phone number to Space Land off the top of their heads! The driver picks up the phone and calls the Prime Minister of Space Land, and the gunman instructs him to let Space Land know exactly what’s going on. And he does, right down to the nitty gritty details! Details such as “there’s a man with a gun on this bus” and “my bus has been hijacked by a man with a gun”, etc.

“He’s telling the truth, now listen carefully,” says the lone gunman, grinning with maniacal glee, “before the bus arrives, tell a girl to bring yesterday’s financial reports to the bus stop two stops before Space Land. If you do anything or call the police, I will kill all the passengers on the bus.”

Sounds pretty specific! I hope “a girl” brings “yesterday’s financial reports” in a manner that pleases Gun Man! OR, conversely, I’d like to see Raito with a bullet through his dome. That would also be an acceptable turn in the plot.

All the passengers except Raito and the Guy Following Raito look terrified. Raito’s nameless girlfriend appears to be praying. Raito looks bored and drugged. The Snoopy Investigator looks pretty pissed off, like “fuck this, I’m tired of being on buses during hijackings”.

The Snoopy Investigator is currently sitting behind Raito and his main squeeze. Raito gets the guy’s attention and surreptitiously passes him a note that lays out Raito’s plans to attack the hijacker when he isn’t looking and knock the gun right out of his penis-stroking hand! Raito’s dad taught him this, as he explains in the note, and he’s confident he will be able to pull it off. Plus, the hijacker is roughly 3’2” tall, so the kid can probably take him.

Mr. Irate Investigator stands bolt-upright and tells the kid to cork it! That sounds dangerous and stupid! Let him handle this, he’s a man for criminy’s sake! An honest-to-god MAN.

Do I catch the raising diphthong onsets of a Canadian citizen??? *wink*

Smirkily, Raito jots down another note for the guy, but he arrogantly announces that the gunman can’t hear them anyway over the sound of the bus. I suppose that must mean that the bus is sputtering and heaving dangerously, because buses aren’t supposed to be that loud.

Raito’s plan continues without a hitch. After he detects a strange accent, the man explains that he’s Japanese American. We’re about three small-talk exchanges away from getting a name reveal! I’m on the edge of my fucking seat here. This is SUSPENSEFUL. I’m having a heart attack.

“Can you prove to me that you’re not the criminal’s partner?” Raito interrogates the guy now. Tables have turned! Don’t make him tell Father on you, he’s the Director of Whatever. A real big wig. This guy looks pretty nervous now. Even Raito’s girlfriend is getting weird about it, but Raito maintains his ever-confident composure. “This kind of thing happens often. Make people think that there’s only one criminal, but there’s really another one hiding around somewhere,” he says out loud. Kinda like how Lee Harvey Oswald was a decoy and the real killer stopped time, stuffed JFK’s head with TNT, and blew his stupid president brains all over Jackie’s pink suit! It’s just like that.

Raito’s behavior and actions clinches it, at any rate. “There’s no way around this,” the investigator thinks, “Yagami’s son is not the killer, otherwise the criminal would have died of a heart attack by now.” Well, since this kid is harmless, he slips him his FBI identification card. Raito didn’t see this one coming! The fuckin’ FBI is involved? Holy shit, that organization is world-renowned! Jimmy Woo! Mulder and Scully! This is big-time, baby!

And this is it. He gets the name of the agent.

Japanese-American Raye Penber is in trouble! Someone should alert his partners, Karl Dandleton and Bobson Dugnutt!

OK, fair enough Mr. Raye Penber, sir! Raye Penber, is it? Here, let me write this down in this big scary-looking book here: R-A-Y-E P-E-N-B-E-R, got it. Heh heh heh. Everything seems to be in order here, I’ll let you handle this hostage situation.

Penber spends a lot of precious seconds wondering why L thinks Kira is in Japan in the first place. More people have died in America from mysterious Heart Attack Disease. Oh well, let’s focus at the task at hand instead. This hijacker was on the news recently: he robbed a bank and killed three people. This guy needs to bite the curb.

Mr. Killer Man slowly walks down the aisle, shoes tap-tap-tapping like in a spaghetti western. Raito “accidentally” drops a piece of paper on the floor of the bus, which sends Gun Face into a tizzy: “Hey! You don’t move! What’s on that little scrap?”

Mr. Gun Face Killer Man scoops the piece of paper up into his fat little imp hand. “Passing notes to each other? What are you guys doing?”

Oh shit, dude! The guy is gonna read the piece of paper! He’s gonna know we’re gonna ambush him! He’s gonna poop his pants and start shooting all sorts of bullets in about six seconds!

Here’s what the dreaded note says: “11:27 : Go to Space Land. The bus station south of the park”

DO YOU DARE PULL A GUN ON THE GUNMAN?! I’M THE GUNMAN! STOP STEALING MY GUNMAN THUNDER!

Gunny Gunderson is livid. Raito smiles. Everything is falling into place like…so many…good Tetris pieces.

And this fool starts freaking out when RAYE PENBLMBER starts pulling a gun out of his breast pocket. But, the red herring here is that Ol’ Gunny isn’t even paying attending to Prernbmber. This sad-sack gets a full glimpse of clowny-face Ryuuku, who is standing in the back of the bus soaking in all the excitement. “DON’T JOKE AROUND, WHEN DID YOU GET THERE!?” yells Shooty Guns, and Ryuuku smiles all like “Are you talking about moi? Tee hee.”

The hijacker has a full-on panic attack. Obviously, we’re witnessing a chain of events that has been put into fruition by our young, buxom Ratio, the sly dog. This douchebag is going to have a heart attack because Raito made Ryuuku visible to him. Ryuuku is completely astonished that this guy can see him.

“I’M GOING… I’M GOING TO SHOOT YOU, YOU MONSTER!” the guy yells, hyperventilating like a nerd, eyes bulging out of his demented sockets.

Rayemond Prmbrr thinks this guy is hallucinating, which is going to be way more dangerous than before! He might shoot a gun about it! “Everyone get down!” Pmebrbe yells, while Ryuuku starts putting the pieces together. The page was ripped out of the Death Note, and since it was touched by Mr. High Jacker, he gets to have a face-full of pointy goth death clown.

Ryuuku is warned not to come any closer. Ryuuku comes closer. The gun goes off. It hits Ryuuku with a “SPLAT”, and he remains unharmed. He’s a Shinigami, after all! Bullets are useless, you big donkey!

The assailant’s bulging eyes start crossing and he burbles and gurbles and continues shooting his gun in the Ryuuku’s direction. BANG BANG BANG BANG. Ryuuku smiles like a nightmare. This Raito kid is one smart cookie, using all the information he told him! Most humans stick their fingers up their noses and go “duuuurrrrrr” when he tells them Shinigami rules, but not this kid! This kid has all his marbles! “No wonder he’s the smartest in the world,” the Shinigami grins. That’s all it really takes, huh? Pretty underwhelming shit, honestly.

The spaz runs out of bullets, much to Agent Prmrbr’s relief, and does an about-face to the front of the bus. “Stop the bus!! Open the door!!” he screams to the confused driver, who thought he was being hijacked but now it doesn’t appear to be the case anymore! So much for an electrifying day.

The bus stops, the door is opened, the guy trips on his way out, has a quick moment of self-satisfaction, and then gets hit by a goddamned car. Everyone on the bus watches in awe.

“Right on time. The Death Note is working perfectly,” Raito says, admiring the splendor of the scene that just unfolded in front of his very eyes.

And yes, everything that just happened in the last 15 pages was written in the notebook. Surprise, surprise. I think we get it by now, Tsugumi Ohba. The Death Note is magic.

And now Raito has the FBI agent’s name. He’s gonna make him eat his own butt.