The collagen-injected vampire braves the daylight in search of fresh pancake makeup.

Canton, Ohio’s most famous spooky Bad Boy had better not travel through the lovely state of New Hampshire anytime soon, since doing so may result in SEVERE PUNISHMENTS TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW. A warrant is out for Marilyn Manson’s arrest in the Granite State due to an incident that had occurred there on August 18, 2019.

Now, obviously, the rumors weren’t true: Marilyn Manson did not actually have his ribs removed once so that he could suck his own dick. But maybe he should have, because then this monster would’ve never left his house. He would be too busy having fun sucking his own dick and we’d all be spared the atrocities. So what did he do exactly? Arson? Murder? Possession of child pornography? Bank robbery? DOUBLE murder? Murder-suicide? Regular suicide??? Grand larceny? Money laundering? Aircraft hijacking? Boatcraft hijacking? Possession of DOUBLE murder pornography? Close! But not quite! He spit on somebody.

“According to TMZ, the incident allegedly involved Manson spitting at a videographer during a concert. A Class A misdemeanor in New Hampshire carries a possible jail sentence of less than a year and a fine of $2,000 or less.

‘Mr. Warner, his agent and legal counsel have been aware of the warrant for some time and no effort has been made by him to return to New Hampshire to answer the pending charges,’ Gilford PD wrote in its statement.”

OK, well that’s dumb for many reasons:

1) Marilyn Manson should be able to spit on anyone he wants!
Ok, not true, but isn’t this the guy that spits and farts and poops on stage GG Allin-style and sets stuff on fire and sacrifices billy goats and litters and every other manner of provocative performance art? Who’s to say that the videographer didn’t merely get in the way of performance spit, huh? Mary-Lou Manson has been doing this for…hold on let me check the rings under his eyes…32+ years now, it kind of comes with the territory. Now, if he was jerkin’ it and, you know, the videographer got in the way…then…well then…uh…

2) New Hampshire needs to tighten the definition of their Class A misdemeanor punishment.
What the hell is this language? “A Class A misdemeanor in New Hampshire carries a possible jail sentence of less than a year and a fine of $2,000 or less.” So jailtime anywhere from 10 minutes to 364 days? A fine that could start at five Columbian pesos? $2,000 is NOTHING to Marybeth Manson, who could still afford that even after a few hundred dick-sucking surgeries, but about a year of jailtime might cause him to lose what little mind he still has. Maybe we could get some Burzum-style ambient prisons albums out of it?

Gross. Fat and gross.

3) Marilyn Manson should get fined and jailed for other things anyway.
Earlier this week the New Hampshire spitting story dropped, but just today more articles were published about brand new rape allegations, which isn’t new territory for everyone’s favorite industrial plastic surgery factory. Just last year rumblings began to surface from almost all of Manson’s previous girlfriends about his penchant for being a rapey jerk.

The fresh articles go on to relay accounts of him tying the victim to a chair, making her drink urine, and threatening her with a gun, which are the three sexiest things that I can certainly think of! Blech. It sounds like Margaret Manson’s legal team is contesting the allegations instead of spending their energy counselling him on NOT spitting on various stagehands and spending his money on “rape kits”, which according to Manson’s Chief Lawyer Vilhelm Q. Smorgens, is “not what Manson thinks they are”.

In spite of everything, Mary-Louise Manson can redeem himself! I have the perfect idea! He can go get dumped out of an airplane.