We last left Rand toppling over a wall after a girl startles him. He gets up, dusts himself off, and sees two regally dressed young people, a boy and a girl, who are similar in appearance and very attractive. Almost as if they are the children of the beautiful Queen herself! Because they are! The boy is unfortunately named Gawyn. The girl is more fortunately named Elayne. Their absent gazes and vacant speaking styles make it seem like they’re from Mars.

Elayne treats Rand’s wounds while Gawyn is worried that they’ll be in trouble with their mother. These two betray surprise when Rand asks who they are who their mother is, but they take it in stride. They both seem very nice and not at all like that bitch Joffrey Baratheon!

This news makes Rand poop his ugly Two Rivers pants, and Elayne realizes that Rand genuinely didn’t know that he was in the presence of royalty. Gawyn tells Rand that Elayne should marry a man from Two Rivers (more poop in the pants), and then an incredible douchebag named Galad shows up to tell Gawyn and Elayne to step away from the Two Rivers kid as if he were a bomb. Not the bomb, mind you. There’s nothing about Rand that suggests that he is the bomb.

It’s obvious that Elayne has the hots for Rand, so she insists to Galad that he is under her protection and that he should kindly fuck off. He kindly fucks off. Elayne intends to rush Rand out of there before he gets tortured or decapitated or whatever the punishment is for falling into the castle grounds, but armed guards swoop in. The head guard, Tallanvor, is all like “GET OUT OF THE WAY” but Elayne is like “NO, HE IS UNDER MY PROTECTION, DON’T MAKE ME TELL MY MOM ON YOU”. Tallanvor doesn’t back off, and per the Queen’s direct standing orders, he needs to bring the three of them to her. GULP! GUUULP! Off they go to take their licks.

Queen Morgase is flanked by Gareth, her bodyguard, and Elaida, her Aes Sedai. Rand’s original intention was to seek her out when he arrived in Caemlyn, but she’s a bit of a bitch to him and he’s glad he never followed through on his intention.

Elaida comments upon Rand’s heron-hilt sword, which makes the entire room stiffen and lose composure. Surely Rand is too young to possess this mysterious sword that no one yet has explained its true significance! That would be ridiculous! But no, he assures the people in the room that this sword was owned by his Two Rivers shepherd father. It is commented upon that Rand doesn’t have the Two Rivers look to him, to which he explains that his mother was an outlander.

In the end, the room doesn’t believe most of his story, but the Queen lets him slide because, among other things, no one would admit to being from Two Rivers unless they were really from Two Rivers. It must be a complete shithole compared to the rest of the land. He orders him to leave and never come back!

On the way out, Elayne admits to Rand, in way more eloquent words than my own, that she’d love to really ride that dick. Then Rand learns from Gawyn that no one believed his origin from Two Rivers because he’s the spitting image of an Aielman.

You know. Those people everyone seems to be afraid of and/or hate.