Rand and Company have been staying at the mountains for far too long since SOMEONE keeps shoving her OVERLY FEMININE SEXUALITY in everyone’s faces and MANIPULATING all of them to keep STAYING AT THE MOUNTAINS. And no, it ain’t Loial, although he does have a certain girlish charm…

Rand catches Selene pawing through his luggage one evening, and Rand is suspicious until Selene tells him that she needs to wear one of his shirts while she cleans her dress. She puts on a shirt and her bare legs are showing, which really sets Rand off. Like fireworks, man. Pants completely soaked in semen. It’s quite disgusting, really, especially since it was his last pair of pants.

Hurin approaches to inform Rand that he spots a weak fire in the distance. It is suspected to be Padan Fain and his group, so it’s time for a little ambush. Get some Horn out of it. You know, for the glory.

Rand and Loial prepare themselves for a good ol’ fashioned Darkfriend skewering. As they head toward the direction of the fire, Rand does that thing where he reaches into the void and enjoys the orgasmic pleasure of saidin. When they reach the camp, they find a chest (with the Horn) and a dagger with some sort of figure sleeping near them, presumably to guard the treasures but he’s doing a rather poor job of it! Rand, like an idiot, moves to touch the dagger but jerks away at the last second. He almost loses the heroin drip of the sweet, sweet void. He goes for the dagger for reals this time and slips it in his belt. Loial grabs the chest, and they both hightail it.

They don’t get very far before the sleeping figure awakes, and now the whole camp is awake, and now they’re hootin’ and hollerin’ about the Horn. While in the void, but avoiding saidin, he is able to pick off advancing Trollocs one by one. They make it back to their own camp, where Selene starts blowjobbing Rand for retrieving the Horn. She wants to continue to Cairhien, but Rand wants to return it to Fal Dara and give it to Agelmar. Let him deal with any responsibility with all things Horn-related. Selene argues until Rand concedes, so off to Cairhien they continue with the Horn and the dagger “safely” in the chest.

Elsewhere, Padan Fain shakes his fist like “darn you al’Thor, you win again!” We all have a good laugh at his expense.

And if it’s not obvious that Selene is trying to pull a fast one on everybody in the group, then you’re a complete dullard, sir. She’s obviously THE DARK ONE IN A CRAFTY, SEXY DISGUISE! Like when Bugs Bunny pretends to be a girl for fun.