This week the theme is albums that came out in February, so by the year’s standards they’re ancient. The theme is also grizzled dinosaurs that have been in the music industry forever, so by today’s standards they’re also ancient. Ancient all around. Does that mean they should hang it the fuck up? Nah. But maybe?

Transatlantic – The Absolute Universe (Forevermore)
(February 5, 2021)

Transatlantic is a supergroup of neo-prog stalwarts Neal Morse (Spock’s Beard), Roine Stolt (Flower Kings), Pete Trewavas (Marillion), and Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater). The four of them play into each other’s desire for decadent excess and they are just simply delighted to produce over-inflated, schmaltzy dad rock of the progressive sense.

The Absolute Universe is a pitch perfect example of their thought processes. The whole 90-minute album was written and recorded pre-pandemic. In March 2020, Morse listened to the album and wanted to trim it down to one disc (great idea!). Stolt, who is known for constantly making feature film-length Flower Kings albums, disagreed. Trewavas agreed with Morse. Portnoy agreed with Stolt. A stalemate! Eventually, the group agreed to release two versions of the fucking album. (The Breath of Life) represents Morse’s abridged version, and (Forevermore) is Stolt’s extended version. Because I hate myself, I opted to dig into the extended version.

I’m not even going to listen to the shorter version; it’s not going to change my opinion about the music. Morse/Stolt and company have been pumping out the same over-produced neo-progressive schlock for decades. Between Morse’s born again Christianity and Stolt’s inability to discern the difference between quantity and quality, The Absolute Universe (and, really, Transatlantic as a whole) is just like anything else the two of them have recorded and released since the early ’90s. I doubt Trewavas or Portnoy really contribute much to this project at all.

It doesn’t matter going into detail about individual tracks. As a whole, there’s a lot more rehashing of ’70s prog than ’80s prog with its Yes and ELP-like arrangements and ultra-technical keyboard/guitar soloing, which is the biggest plus I can award this project. When you distill it down to its elements, this is nothing more than bombastic, pretentious overly-whimsical non-boundary-pushing butt rock by men who are well into their ’60s. And while I can recognize the level of musical ability and ambition that each member brings to the table, melodies are virtually non-existent and the music is so incredibly fey and cheesy that I can’t take it seriously. I can’t and I won’t. And for 90 straight minutes? Fuck you.

If you’ve already listened to one previous Transatlantic album, or even if you’ve listened to a Spock’s Beard or a Flower Kings album, then you’ve heard this one already as well. Trust me.

Early Verdict:

Melvins – Working with God
(February 26, 2021)

What ruined this one completely for me right off the bat was the low-effort Beach Boys cover “I Fuck Around”, wherein Buzz Osborne sings “Round round, fuck around, I fuck around!” for an agonizing two minutes and twenty seconds. It reeks of edgelord boomer energy, which is awful enough, but they will not stop doing this kind of thing on all their albums within the last 10 years. Pinkus Abortion Technician had “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, Basses Loaded had “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”, Tres Cabrones had “99 Bottles of Beer”; I find these to be the worst parts of these albums. Maybe I’m just cranky. I dunno.

Melvins does keep making the same album over and over again, and I do mean that as a compliment. They’ve carved out a niche in the grunge metal arena that is entirely their own, and they’re nothing if not consistent and reliable. Sludgy, riff-replete statements (“Negative No No”) interspersed with sneery, juvenile sentiments (“Brian, the Horse-Faced Goon”), this is very much a Melvins record.

The band had clearly peaked long ago, though. With such an immense catalog of solid albums, it’s hard not to start longing to listen to Bullhead or Stoner Witch or even (A) Senile Animal while listening to Working with God. It’s a decent enough album, but the band feels like a shell now. And it has for a while.

Early Verdict:

Alice Cooper – Detroit Stories
(February 26, 2021)

Vincent Furnier is still going at it too, huh? Interestingly enough, not only did Detroit Stories come out on 2/26 just like the Melvins album, but the first track is also a cover. Alice plays it relatively straight though, but I wonder if he knows that Phish has been covering the Velvet Underground’s “Rock & Roll” regularly in their live shows for over 20 years? It kinda undercuts the grittiness when most people these days probably associate that sound with four complete nerds jumping around stage on trampolines.

I must admit that I was expecting a washed-out old fogey still trying to stick to his roots in an era that has moved on without him, but I really enjoyed Detroit Stories. Having grown up in the Detroit area myself, I don’t have quite the degree of fondness for the city as Cooper does (or most people I grew up with, for that matter), but what I do have a fondness for is the genuinely rough, steely, unapologetic nature of the rock scene that only a city like Detroit could authentically foster. Cooper is, and always will be, a part of that.

The songs themselves are rich with a surprising amount of vitality. At 73 years old, Alice Cooper is still the showman he always has been. Taking care to incorporate Detroit and its music scene throughout the album, the songs are peppered with references to city and the artists who thrived there (the Stooges, MC5, Suzi Quatro, Ted Nugent, etc.). Stylistically, there’s a lot more of the straightly-played early-’70s hard rock hearkening back to Cooper’s early days, as well as some really good hard blues numbers and even a vibrant MoTown send-up with “$1000 High Heel Shoes”. There are also covers by MC5, Outrageous Cherry, and Bob Seger, all Detroit-based musicians. Cooper tries to strike a balance between sincerity and goofiness, which he’s never really been that good at, so it mostly gets a pass.

What I can’t give a pass to, though, is “Hanging On By a Thread (Don’t Give Up)”. Alice Cooper goes ultra-sincere on an ode to depression awareness, acknowledging the mental health of all those affected by the pandemic with messages of hope, positivity, and optimism. It even ends with a phone number to the suicide hotline. There’s nothing political about the song, and the sentiment is incredibly thoughtful, but it’s a weird speed bump in the record. There’s something utterly un-rock and roll about it. But hey, in 2021, Alice Cooper is rock and roll, so who am I to argue?

Anyway, Cooper, as always, delivers. Here’s to many more years.

Early Verdict: