Yo, what’s in the news lately??

13-Year-Old Becomes First Person to Beat Tetris on NES

People have settled on ways to “beat” Tetris for decades. Usually, one must clear the screen completely by using one o’ them long ones to delete four rows at once. I’ve never done it because I have 406 chromosomes and don’t possess the mental fortitude to play Tetris for more than three minutes without accidentally getting distracted by a Chipotle burrito.

But some teenage online nerd kid who calls himself “Blue Scuti” was able to “beat” Tetris by freezing the game, a feat that I could accomplish easily with a faulty NES and an unblown cartridge. Blue Scuti crashed the game with video proof, and this has only been accomplished before by artificial intelligence (a robot wearing a hat).

Details are unavailable for what this kid exactly did other than play for 38 straight minutes, but I’m not impressed! Give me a brick and I can crash Tetris any day of the week. I’ll show these dorks.

As a side note, apparently kids these days use a “rolling” technique when playing competitive Tetris. You throw the controller back and forth between hands. Whether this improves upon my current strategy of setting up a drinking bird to tap the D-pad every 2.5 seconds is still up for debate.

Man Accused of Assaulting, Trying to Deep Fry Wife’s Co-Worker’s Head at McDonald’s for ‘Disrespecting’ Her

Fuck Tetris, now here’s a story! A pastor — a pastor — from North Carolina named Dwayne Wayden walked into a McDonald’s during his wife’s shift and tried to dunk this guy’s noggin’ in searing-hot fat and grease. All because of an offhand comment, I’m assuming, of the size of the pastor’s wife’s big-ass booty.

I’d better be careful before Wayden shows up at my work and tries to hit me with a ruler.

This story is pretty fucked up, honestly. What kind of man of the cloth decides to, AT BEST, horribly burn somebody’s skull just for “disrespecting” his wife? It doesn’t even say “assaulted” or “sexually harassed”. The dude could have just said “go fuck yourself” after being asked to clean the vomit and poop-laden bathroom, which every McDonald’s on the planet is required to have!

If I got my head pushed into a fryer every time I disrespected someone’s wife, my head would be extra crispy. YO, PASTOR DWAYNE! YOUR WIFE’S GOT A BIG-ASS BOOTY! Come at me, bro. I’m hiding behind the internet!

The Chinese chess player who lost his title after defecating in a bathtub

I don’t like this link because it’s sensationally written for dumbass teenagers, it seems, but the gist of the article is that a 48-year-old man named Yan Chenglong celebrated winning a Xianqi tournament by pooping in his hotel bathtub. “The hotel managers saw it”, and it’s unclear whether that means they saw the ACTION or the AFTERMATH, but apparently taking a crap in a bathtub and leaving it there is not at all illegal.

Let’s get to the root of why, though. WHY did this fine, fine gentleman take a shit in the tub? Probably because he was attempting to retrieve his remote-controlled anal massaging device! And I’m not making this up, for real this time! This dude pooped out an anal massaging device that was apparently used to cheat, massaging his tender sphincter with vibrations from a computer that aiding him in playing the correct moves. That’s a stroke of genius!

Give this man a crown and a kingdom.

Thanks for reading this edition of the Nugatory Newsroom. Check back next time when I post an article about a man in Las Vegas who set a world record by punching his nuts with a barbed glove in rapid succession for sixteen hours.