Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484 – “Warpaint”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, we get a big fat Bane origin story! He grew up in a maximum security prison and learned how to hate everything and love himself and strive for power over everyone and everything. You know, like an asshole.
Once he learns about Gotham City, Bane’s obsession becomes about killing Batman. That’s all he wants to do now is kill Batman. So he meets Batman and tells him he’ll kill him some day.
And that’s pretty much it. Batman was like “get in line, pal” but we’ll see how shaken up he actually is about all this.
Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #484 [September, 1992]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Warpaint”
Nighttime in Midtown Gotham, the time and location for every scene ever in any given Batman comic book. A couple of mooks in masks break into a jewelry store to steal “the goods” and burn the place down to the ground. Mook #2 sloshes gas all over the place and accidentally burns his mask when lighting the fire. What a mook. “Leave it!” says Mook #1. “We gotta get outta here!”
Sirens blare in the distance while the two run off. The flames in the jewelry store flicker quite beautifully! The owner of the store was across town at the time, he didn’t even hear about it until the next morning because nobody bothered to text him on his iPhone 15 Pro Max. And that man’s name… was Wayne Bruce! Eh, close enough.
Bruce spends the morning discussing the problem with Morgan Freeman’s own Lucius Fox. When he finally arrives on the scene, he’s mobbed by the press. “Mr Wayne!” here, and “Oh, Mr. Wayne!” there. Who started the fire? Well, it was always burning since the world’s been turning. Let’s just thank our lucky fucking stars that no one was hurt… except that guy. *points to burn victim*
Some broad named Vicki approaches Bruce. “It was hardly accidental, Bruce, and you know it.” Well, Bruce sort of knows it, but he’s in denial about it. For one thing, accidents happen! For another thing, this is Gotham City, baby! The safest city this side of the Mississippi!
Vicki thinks this whole operation stinks like fish. It’s almost as if someone just wanted to assault the building than to commit robbery or petty arson. Almost as if… gasp! Someone was trying to rake it in on the insurance!
Bruce is like “hey bitch, I’m rich.” Well, maybe it was Branston, the jeweler himself, looking to collect on the insurance for stolen merchandise. Bruce thinks that’s a crazy bananas theory! Anyway, wanna go to lunch and fuck in Bruce’s lavish manor, Vicki my fine lady? No? Ha! Next time then, baby.
Maybe the millionaire playboy should just hang it up and watch episodes of Law & Order all day. No one is making you fight crime, dingus.
“He feels suddenly fragmented, each side torn apart and distorted by the other. The synergy is no longer forming a perfect whole. And Bruce Wayne, he realizes, has already lost some of his edge…”
It’s hard being Batman by night and stinky smelly Bruce Wayne by day. Believe me, I’ve tried.
When nighttime falls again, Bruce feels better. The shadows invigorate him! Darkness is like a giant can of tasty, tasty Red Bull! So much adrenaline! So much… zzzzzz….
Whut! Wake up! There’s investigation to be done! Batman scopes out the jewelry store and discovers the mask among the wreckage. He takes it back to the Batcave for DNA analysis probably. Hopefully he’s not going to bone the mask. Bruce is a little frisky still after being turned down by Vicki. And that mask looks awfully tempting…
Meanwhile, at the Sionis Family Crypt in Ravenswood Cemetary (where the burgers are 33% off on Fridays), some raving lunatic jaws on about masks. He’s Black Mask, and he’s got a hundred masks just waiting for heads and faces! “I will make you rich!” he addresses the small audience in front of him. “In return, you must serve me in other ways – in matters not of loot but of vengeance. There is one who must pay for destroying my former identity… one who must died for giving birth to my new identity – for creating Black Mask.”
Black Mask is a salty boy for sure. He also looks like a lump of dark blue shit, so I’d be mad too if I was reduced to a lump of dark blue shit.
Hey man, you got Richard Nixon??
Black Mask stops a guy named Tattoo. He’s got a face fulla tattoos so he already wears a permanent mask. Back off.
The topic quickly switches to Tattoo’s prowess with a gun. He’s about to shoot up a Starbucks full of kids and get away in 11 seconds! Very good! But how is he without a gun? Better! And with a THAP and a CHUD, Tattoo punches a guy named Tupeng in the face and chin area. KRATCH! Nose broken. That’s grounds for demotion, loser! Tattoo is now Black Mask’s new lieutenant. There will be a pizza party in the breakroom shortly. Afterwards, wear your masks and be gone! *throws stink bomb* Fuck the cemetery! We’re going to to find some new headquarters. Better headquarters! A place without dead people everywhere, preferably.
Oh great, Robin is in this comic. Chris O’Donnell. Nobody cares. He enters the Batcave where Bruce is evaluating the mask. He tells Robin that this is the third building of his that has been burned down, causing Robin to go “Jiminy Jillikers!”
Spoke too soon! Lucius Fox calls up Bruce to tell him there’s been a fourth arson down at the ol’ Grayspire Building where they sell sausages and Legos. Fox is worried that the media connects all the dots, but Bruce tells his friend to calm down and shut the fuck up. It’s not like they can dodge publicity forever, you know what I mean? Look on the bright side: insurance payouts!
Fox reminds him that his insurance will be cancelled if all his buildings keep burning down. Plus, tenants are starting to bail out of the not-burned-down-yet buildings. Bruce analyzes the mask by throwing Pop Rocks and Pepsi on it.
It’s good to see that even Bruce Wayne can be convinced that fires are bad.
Fox tells Bruce that Commissioner Gordon will try to do what he can to mitigate this whole issue, but don’t expect much. Budget cuts have reduced him to a barrel with suspenders. Even better than Gordon is that they hired more building security! Now there’s a concept!
Bruce has determined that the mask is made of latex! Robin is now tasked with investigating every company that makes or sells latex. lol. In about two minutes and twenty seconds, Robin connects the mask to Hollywood and their movie studios. Cool lead, bro. Let me know when you swing 2,500 miles to Los Angeles.
Alfred – who fucks, by the way – tells Bruce that the Batsignal has been spotted in the Eastern Seaboard. Put on your MASK, as it were, and hightail it to Police HQ. There will be a Salisbury steak waiting for you when you get home.
Batman and Robin hit the town! They meet up with Gordon, who looks buff and burly today. Batman has been thinking about connecting the arsons to recently escaped Arkham inmates and has determined that a man named Roman Sionis fits the bill to both light fires and have masks. Also, he murdered a bunch of Wayne Foundation directors. Also, he tried to murder Bruce Wayne. He’s a no-good, dirty, rotten scoundrel! And we’re gonna get ‘im!
A woman named Sarah comes out to talk to Gordon about his relationship with Batman. She doesn’t approve! He argues with her, but Sarah’s not having it! Not tonight, Jim! Not tonight! “Maybe I just resent him… for more personal reasons,” she says. You see, she thinks Jim Gordon is strong and tough and full of Wheaties and that Batman is a horrible influence on him.
Now let’s put this unpleasantness behind us and visit Wayne Manor. I hear Alfred Pennyworth makes a mean Salisbury steak!
“So who is this Roman Sionis anyway?” asks Robin as the Batmobile streaks across the road.
“A bad man, Robin,” Batman responds, talking to Robin like he’s eight years old. And rightfully so. “Who destroyed himself to be reborn as something much worse.”
Batman goes over Sionis’ whole life story. He came from a rich family. His parents were friends with Bruce’s parents. He was always a weird kid. His parents died in a very suspicious fire when he was a young adult, and he inherited everything including a cosmetics company. He ruined the cosmetics company with a shitty idea. He also spent almost all his money on masks, if you can believe it! Then he started selling waterproof makeup that wasn’t properly tested, resulting in nothing but lawsuits, lawsuits, lawsuits! A total fucking loser, this kid.
The Wayne Foundation bailed him out with the caveat that a new foundation-approved board of directors would be appointed. Then his girlfriend, Circe, left him. Then he carved a mask out of his father’s casket, if you can believe it! Now he’s fully branded as Black Mask and he’s got one hell of a vendetta against the Wayne Foundation even though they literally bailed him out. Really makes you think.
Black Mask started killing some enemies via waterproof makeup on masks and then the guys wear the masks and then their faces get horribly burned. Grisly and poetic. Or something to that effect.
One day, Black Mask decided to burn down the ol’ Sionis Estate for funsies. He was just about to run into the estate to kill himself, but then Batman saved him. In all the merriment, Black Mask’s mask was burned to his face permanently. Then he was sent to Arkham where he escaped 45 minutes later. And now he’s back to seek his ReeeEEeeEeeEeeevenge!
While Batman jabberjaws about shit that’s literally for Robin’s benefit and nobody else’s, Black Mask’s cronies are sweeping the city looking for recruits.
She’ll put a hex on you, or cough on you or something. Beware!
They find Circe, who is deformed by acid makeup, and tell her it’s time to say high to Black Mask again. They outfit her with a mask that sort of looks like her old pretty face. Sort of. Then they find a guy interested in joining up; he gets a skull mask. This is like that one Zelda game! You know, the one that sucks!
Time to get initiated into the False Face Society, new guy. Or FFS, as the kids say. Initiation is basically just “burn down this building over here.” And with a SLSH and a SPSH he dumps gasoline all over the floor. And with a PLUFT, Batman and Robin enter the building. Yes, that’s right, I said “PLUFT”. Fight me about it.
Go SWUKK yourself, buddy.
Batman tells Robin to inform Alfred and Lucius Fox that Wayne Industries is hiring from the wrong security agency, apparently. Meanwhile, Bruce will dress up as a the new Skullhead Guy in order to assuage Black Mask’s discontent with the situation. “I’m a fairly big man – as big as the Batman,” Bruce tells him as Skullheadface. That’ll do it.
Oh, whoops, Black Mask has taken Lucius Fox as a hostage. Black Mask has decided to declare war, and he has the cahones to prove it!
And here they are! *whips open trench coat*
Final Thoughts
Oh snap, this isn’t about Bane! This isn’t about Bane at all! Black Mask sounds like a shitty villain, though, and I look forward to his inevitable downfall. And by that I mean down he will fall. Into a well.
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