Star Wars: Darth Bane: Rule of Two
by Drew Karpyshyn

Publication Date:
December 26, 2007

Timeframe:
1000 – 990 BBY

Synopsis:
As the last surviving Sith, Darth Bane promulgated a harsh new directive: the Rule of Two. Determined to put this policy into action, Darth Bane thinks he has found the perfect apprentice. Zannah, though young, possesses an instinctive link to the dark side that rivals his own. Under Darth Bane’s tutelage, she will become essential in his quest to destroy the Jedi and dominate the galaxy.

But there is one who is determined to stop Darth Bane: Johun Othone, Padawan to Jedi Master Lord Hoth, who died at Bane’s hands in the Sith War. Though the rest of the Jedi scoff at him, Johun’s belief that there are surviving Sith is unshakeable. But not even Johun could foresee the astonishing new knowledge and power that Darth Bane discovers through Force–induced visions—power that will alter him in ways he could never have imagined.

GUEST REVIEW!

Special guest reviewer Steve Spittle!

Sometimes I get real tired of rantin’ and hootin’ and hollerin’ about Brandon and the other communist fascists that have taken over our great country even though he’s not even president anymore. America-hatin’ libtards drive me up the fuckin’ wall, but there’s only so much I can say into my dashboard-docked GoPro before I turn purple in the face and accidentally bust up some guy’s Mansfield bar in front of me. So I throw on one of them audiobooks, like Fight Club or Anne of Green Gables.

I’m not the world’s biggest Star Wars guy. Those woke bastards with their interplanetary treaties and black Jedis (seriously?!?!) can go fuck a duck. But I do like jerkin’ off to Carrie Fisher in a bikini, so I guess you could say I’m a “casual fan”. The audiobook for Darth Bane: Rule of Two came free with a keg of Keystone Ice at the flea market and there was this glow-eyed blonde broad on the cover so I decided to stop in the middle of Rick Santorum’s autobiography and give this thing a whirl.

First of all, it doesn’t sound like there’s many boobs in this story, which is sad. Second of all, I didn’t know women could be Jedis or whatever, so this sounds like woke propaganda from the fuckin’ Deep State if you ask me. I know Princess Leia does some shit where she wears a toga and shoots guns and whatnot, which is pretty sexy and I’m ok with that. I do think chicks should get lightsabers, I just don’t think they should be called Jedis or anything like that since I’m pretty sure Jedis can’t fuck and I like my women to fuck. If you catch my drift.

The thing about Jedis too is that they do a lot of unnecessary prancin’. There’s a scene where the bad Jedis fight the good Jedis and they just talk about how they all jump back and forth over and over again for twenty minutes. Take off your fuckin’ dress.

There’s probably a moral to this whole story but I didn’t get it. Respect your teachers? Don’t fuck with the bad Jedi? In the end it was a waste of time. Liberal propaganda, most likely. This is why I’m voting for Trump in 2028, 2032, 2036, 2040, 2044, 2048, 2052, 2056, 2060, 2064, 2068, and 2072.

TOM’S REVIEW!

Tom, the Cool Guy

There’s a foreword at the beginning of the book where Drew Karpyshyn brags about there only being six months of time between sitting down to start writing the novel and having published books ready to fly off the shelves. I don’t think that’s the own you thought it was going to be, Drew old boy. I’ve also Googled photos of your smug Peter Griffin-lookin’ ass and I don’t like the way you smell one bit!

It wasn’t as obvious in Darth Bane: Path of Destruction, but Karpyshyn has this grating writing style where he constructs his sentences to be “as smart as possible” while simultaneously talking down to his audience. He wants you to know his in-depth knowledge of battle tactics, whether they’re actually true or not. He wants you to know that he understands synonyms. And, like, I totally get how the Force and the dark side work, you don’t need to repeat yourself about the ever-changing mechanics of the Force and the dark side every time Bane wants to get mad and hit a bitch. Karpyshyn tends to tell and not show, presenting his story like a textbook with little room for nuance or depth in characterization or plot. Everything is extremely objective, from Zannah’s worldview to the crisp, sterile battle scenes, to the dry, stilted dialogue. There is not a drop of a sense of humor to be found anywhere. What a slog.

It’s not a total waste of time! Much like Path of Destruction, there is enjoyment to be had. It’s just very inconsistent, and most of the low points come from the first half of the story where Bane “trains his apprentice” and Zannah “gets trained”. Usually, that means “please be more evil” and with not much more subtlety than that. It’s like how Darth Vader can’t say one fucking sentence with trying to be all eVvVvViIiIiLlLlLlL with it? It’s like that. Bane’s all like “you will surpass your master one day” and Zannah is all like “I want to do it badly but I also don’t want to do it badly”. It’s very tedious. Eventually, the Bane/Zannah stuff gets more interesting when Bane literally starts dying before Zannah’s eyes, and Zannah needs her cousin’s help to save him in a way that actually is dramatic and well-thought out and, yes, even quite suspenseful. It just takes 250 pages to get there.

Jedi Johun was a waste of space, and his entire purpose was to reunite Zannah with her cousin on, of all places, Coruscant. I like the build-up of his boring, one-dimensional existence only to be slain by Zannah unceremoniously. Fuck that guy.

The orbalisk parasites were an interesting idea. Bane gets the crabs in Nadd’s tomb while stealing a holocron; the orbalisks attach permanently to his body and slowly take over, simultaneously giving him strength and taking away strength! Zannah spends literally no time researching how to get rid of these parasites that have plagued Bane for ten years by luckily stumbling upon a research paper that may as well have been called “HOW TO GET RID OF THE ORBALISK PARASITES OFF OF BANE’S BODY”. Awfully convenient! I think Drew was trying to get a movie deal.

And how does Drew write suspense in action scenes? By making people “move out of the way just in time” or “react in the fraction of a second needed” or “hit them right in the tiny bit of exposed zone” or “take her eyes off of him for a dangerous split second” or “calculate 100 moves ahead on the opponent’s complicated tactical strategy”. It all gets repeated over and over again, this pitch-perfect unfaltering skill that both Bane and Zannah have. Jerk me right off. Cut off Zannah’s arm during battle, that’ll fill me with needed suspense. Have Bane puke his guts from bad chili in the middle of a melee. I have a thousand ideas here!

WORTH A READ?

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO READ STAR WARS BOOKS. If you’re dead set on finishing the trilogy, go for it, but know that you’ll still have one more book to go after this and it’s going to be even worse! Oh Drew Karpyshyn, you hot piece of ass, you. I’m just teasing! *wink*