Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Skull & Bones”! In the previous installment, Captain America sorta kinda not really convinces Wolverine that Havok may very well be the best face for the Avengers/X-Men liaison now that Chuck Palahniuk Xavier is dead as a crippled doornail. Meanwhile, Red Skull seduces Scarlet Witch into a plan to genocide around with all the mutants on the planet again. Like an asshole. And now that the brain of Charles Nelson Reilly Xavier has been fused into Red Skull, well, shit’s going to get grim. And now he has all of Xavier’s passwords and sexual fetishes, so thinks are going to get kinky real quick.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [March, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender
“Skull & Bones”

“Citizens, fellow human beings, I implore you – WAKE UP!” Red Skull stands on a platform and hypnotizes a crowd in the middle of Manhattan. “You walk by this monument of death and it suffocates your hearts. It fills you with a terrible fear. Who among us will be next? There can be no safety living among the creatures that bring down buildings without warning. But what can we do? What is the solution?”

“YOU are the solution,” he continues. “You are the chemotherapy needed to eradicate this cancer growing in our midst!”

*burp*

This Nazi rambles on about mutants being vermin and they’ll keep attack humans until all the humans are dead. You’ve seen Wolverine, right? He’s all like “grrrrrr” and that can’t be good for our people!

“A puddle of water glimmers and flashes to life, transformed into a portal by Dancing Water. Her deceptive beauty standing in stark contrast to the corrosive hatred that has long since encompassed her soul.”

Dancing Water introduces her gaggle of mutant rejects to the people. The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, as it were. Scarlet Witch is among them, looking drugged and disoriented. Rogue stands next to her, looking disoriented and drugged! They lazily introduce themselves, monotonously vow to end the threat to humans, and laboriously poop themselves.

Red Skull is like “YES! YES!”

The crowd starts rioting, all riled up and motivated! People who seem suspicious are getting killed on the spot. Mothers of three. Cops, man. Far out.

In come the Avengers to either straighten things out or make things worse! The latter is almost always true, as I’ve come to find out after reading hundreds of comic books.

This attack will teach you that mutants aren’t here to attack anyone!

“We need to find any mutants we can and get them to safety!” says Havok. “Split up – stay in contact. We’ll regroup when more help arrives to–”

“Split?” interrupts Captain America, undermining Havok’s authority like a jerkbag. “Alex, until we know more–”

“You wanted me leading – I’m leading.”

Unrest among the good guys! This surely bodes well! Havok tells him to go be Captain America and shut the fuck up. And he tells Wolvering to go be Wolverine, and I’m surprised that Wolverine doesn’t even argue. He just goes “SNIKT”. Classic.

Red Skull still stands among carnage and fire hollerin’ about Final Solutions and armbands and concentration camps and unfashionable toothbrush mustaches. A crackling in the sky signals the arrival of Thor, He Whom Has Da Hammer, and his mighty bolts of lightning.

“The bolt disrupts the Skull’s electrodes, momentarily removing Xavier’s gifts…”

Scarlet Witch and Rogue snap out of it for a hot second. Hot enough of a second to react by putting up their feeble dukes! Thor throws his hammer at point-blank range and misses Red Skull completely. Whoops! Thor gets tackled by the turtle guy. Mzee, I think he’s called. They smash through the front window of a deli, ruining the owners’ business and sending them back to Sicily penniless.

Mzee is like “YOU’RE NO MUTANT, I DON’T WANT TO FIGHT YOU!” but Thor is like “Fight me anyway, bitch.” So the bitch fights: “I am Mzee! Made inflexible by the gravity of the true soul! I am the impossible strength!” he says before getting a face full of Mjolnir. He bleeds all over it, which is rude. Then Mzee crashes to the ground.

Some dude behind Thor introduces himself as “Honest John”, which is hella suspicious, and welcomes Thor to be his friend and/or show him things in a new light. It’s a weird, unsettling panel, and I think we shall talk no more about Honest John!

Meanwhile, the pressure to be a stinky bigot is too much for Captain America.

While we’re doing what’s best for America, I have a list here of about 900 politicians that could do with a little bit of *click click* assassination. You dig?

Eventually, miraculously, Captain America snaps out of his true subconscious desires for mutant eradication and goes “NO!”

“Skull’s hatred finds no grip on his noble heart,” says the narration even though we just saw Captain America almost easily succumb to his evil thoughts! Say what you will about Captain America, but I think he’s a no-good S.O.B.!

Mutants continue to get cornered and beaten to the death. Some of them don’t get killed. Havok recognizes that most in the crowd are not in the right minds, being hypnotized by Big Xavier Brain and all. Havok saves a woman before getting reprimanded by Cap.

“You are no Avenger! The crowd here is subdued – once this woman is seen to safety, I want you gone, Summers. YOUR SHOWBOATING ALMOST GOT THAT GIRL KILLED! Just another mutant sob story doing things your own haphazard way! Reckless like your brother! Worse still – incompetent!”

This is the coolest that Captain America has ever been, but of course Havok has to literally slap some sense into this guy and remind him that he’s being a jerk because of Red Skull’s mental hold on everyone. *slap slap punch*

“Let’s see some of that famous strength of will because there are people’s lives on the line,” retorts Havok. Also, fuck you Cap. Havok can rip your butthole into teeny tiny pieces.

Wolverine is trying to beat up some sort of bug, but ends up getting a face injection of fatal toxin! The toxin makes Wolverine see that it’s not a good idea to beat up evil mutants and it is instead a good idea to help rid the world of all mutants and also kill himself afterward.

Scarlet Witch enchants a fire hydrant. An outlet pops off and hits the bug. It’s a stupid panel. Just punch him in the face next time. The sound of the outlet hitting the bug goes “TWUNGG” though, which I rather like.

Once Wolverine snaps out of it, Scarlet Witch and Rogue inform him that Red Skull stole Charles Xavier’s brain and chewed on it for a bit to attain its incredible power. Wolverine makes his scary “grrrrrr” face. He even drools a bit, which either enhances or ruins the effect greatly and I’ll let you decide.

Wolverine is so mad he doesn’t even know which direction to go! Both Scarlet Witch and Rogue go “gross”.

RAWR!! SNARL!!

“We’re well past the ‘make a plan’ phase,” Rogue observes as all the men get too emotional. Thor, even. He’s “lost in the syrupy power slogans of Honest John, the Living Propaganda”. And what did I say about talking more about Honest John?! Now I’m getting emotional!!

“You are very simply on the wrong side of the greatest struggle of our time. We fight the darkness that comes for all mankind,” says John of Honesty. From Thor’s point of view he sees his dear old dad Odin. His ideal leader. The guy he’s been trying to unsuccessfully please his whole life. “Odin” tells him that Red Skull must be aided at all cost! “Asgard will stand on the right side of history!”

Red Skull puts a hand on Thor’s shoulder. He likes a nice, blond, blue-eyed, rugged, alpha male! *growls seductively*

Wolverine leaps down silently from the sky. He would have killed Red Skull if it weren’t for Charles Xavier’s ugly brain and its ugly powers.

He cuts off Red Skull’s jerkin’ hand, though. At least that’s something.

Wolverine still means to kill this guy for obvious reasons (he’s being bad), but Red Skull turns Wolverine’s attention to the Goat-Faced Girl. Her gaze negates the X-gene, so as long as Wolverine stares lovingly in its eyes he won’t have the power to SNIKT!

While Wolverine is entranced, Thor smashes his skull in with his hammer.

Hey, I feel personally attacked here!

“To a psychopath, domination is the closest sensation to love. Though it is much greater. Its intensity all-consuming. Five minutes after his arrival, the city lay naked before him. Submissive and adoring. Tonight, for the first time since his return, he was happy. The Red Skull had fallen in love with New York.”

*burp*

Final Thoughts

Boy, those Avengers sure do suck ass at everything, don’t they? Can’t work together without fighting, can’t work individually without getting creamed. Maybe they should just stay out of the way and make room for some real heroes like Batman and Really Really Big Man.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Skullduggery”! In the previous installment, Charles Xavier has died and everyone is mourning in their own manner, ESPECIALLY Red Skull who scooped up Xavier’s brain! Delicious!

Everyone says Xavier’s death is Scott Summers’ fault and he’s not necessarily denying anything. Also, suddenly, Rogue’s powers aren’t working. SPOILER ALERT: SHE WON’T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO IS AFFECTED! Just read all the other Marvel NOW! Avengers and X-Men series for more on this fanciful development.

Scarlet Witch died, I think.

That’s about it so far. I am pretty sure that Red Skull is going to eat that brain and contract all sorts of nefarious prion diseases, and although that would make for some entertaining storytelling, they’re going to focus all their attention on poopypants Alex Summers instead. So here we go.

Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [January, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender
“Skullduggery”

“There was a waste. A million hours meditatin’ wouldn’t touch the dead weight on my chest. Chuck was the only father most of us had. Disappointin’ the old man is a rock-bottom pain that nothin’ can turn off. Dying at Scott’s hands… seems Chuck left with things as bad as he’d ever see.”

Wolverine even has a cowboy hat to go along with his Sawyer-from-Lost drawl. He’s very upset that shit sucks right now, even more upset that “Chuck” is dead in the middle of shit sucking, and even more upset that Scott Summers is a world-ruining wiener.

Remember the blast downtown? I barely do! But there are casualities, and it makes Captain America frown. Like this —–> :[

“Avalance was rehabilitated, Steve,” says Wolverine smartly. “Don’t see him doin’ this.”

Thor doesn’t give a shit about it, it seems. He wants to see if it just blows over eventually. Let it run its course! Avengers and mutants have been at odds since the beginning of time, just like Earth and Mars. They just never stop fighting! Just like Earth and Mars. But then he’s like “this buttfucker started a war, so he shall feel the cold wrath of MJÖLNIR!” or something to that effect. I don’t know where Thor stands. I don’t like Thor very much!

Cap placidly assures Thor that the fallen will be avenged. They are the Avengers, after all. BUT, the first priority is to stop more people from dying and—whoops, there goes another one. Heh. Cap lets everyone know that Alex Summers – Havok – has agreed to lead the Avengers for the time being, at least until someone more smart and less dumb comes around (impossible).

Wolverine doesn’t like the idea because Wolverine doesn’t like any ideas.

Grab the popcorn and watch the show, then, Wolverine. Shut the fuck up and just roll with it, bro.

But, mostly, Wolverine is upset because Cap was all “HURR DE DURR THIS IS THE WAY IT’S GONNA BE” instead of running it by Mr. Mad Mutant first. To this, Cap is like “HURR DE DURR WELL UH ALEX SUMMERS IS THE MAN FOR THE JOB”, and to this Wolverine says “Pickin’ the pretty mutants to be our public face, Steve?”

The prettier the better, guy. Plus, he’s a nice dude besides. Well groomed. Perfect teeth. Quit yer cryin’, Wolverine. Smile once in a while, too. You don’t smile enough.

Wolverine and Cap watch a man hug Havok in the distance, thanking for saving his daughter’s life. “I don’t care what they’re sayin’ about mutants… there aren’t enough heroes in the world.”

Wolverine looks sheepish while Cap flashes his mouth-breathing “I told you so” mug.

Meanwhile, Red Skull is doing something positively sinister: He’s appearing on TV news as a normal correspondent advocating for the death of mutants. He, in fact, as we see, persuades a few people, as if in a trance, to murder their loved ones and/or close friends and/or mutant fuck buddies. “Mankind murdered sixteen million mutants. When, once again, mutants number in the thousands, do you imagine they will sit back and hope things go differently this time? I think we saw their answer yesterday in New York.”

The broadcast concludes, and Red Skull is satisfied. I can tell because he’s got that rictus grin that he can’t stop! So, I guess that is to say I don’t know if he’s satisfied or not, I guess! Sorry about that deceptiveness.

Rogue has woken up upright on a platform with her limbs pinned by giant steel balls. She hopes Scarlet Witch is still alive even though she hates her guts, but we all have to stick together am I right folks ha ha.

Two mutants enter the chamber: a blue lady and a weird turtle man! The blue lady is the daughter of Avalanche. The weird turtle man is the son of the turtle who couldn’t make it through a Tootsie Roll pop without biting and that the kid should ask Mr. Owl.

Rogue tells these mopes that a war with the X-Men is not a very good idea. “I’m sorry, is the timing inconvenient?” responds the blue lady. “We didn’t choose when or where mutants ruined our lives.” And to that I say touché.

For one thing, Rogue’s big ol’ boyfriend Magneto destroyed Turtle Man’s — Mzee’s — Ethiopian village. That’s so not rad. Rogue drinks the sip of water that is proffered to her and she spits it in the blue lady’s face. Then she pours water over her own face, and this somehow aids her in wresting free from her shackles. I have no idea why, but I’ll run with it.

Then Rogue starts punching ass and taking names.

The last time I splooped someone in the face she got it in her eye and it burned.

A real fight ensues between Rogue One and Water Maid. Rogue obviously wants to avenge Scarlet Witch’s death for saving her life, if she is indeed dead. She probably isn’t because people don’t die in comic books except for a) Jean Grey, and b) Uncle Ben. And those two were nerds anyway.

Yep, she’s not dead. It’s confirmed immediately. She’s strapped to a table with Red Skull looming over her, breathing red hot skull breath in her face. Red Skull calls her a Jew, a gypsy, a mutant, “and yet so beautiful”. Listen, sir, if we’re going to be racist and sexist, at least be homophobic while you’re at it! Then you can host right-wing radio shows.

Scarlet Witch leaps off the table and produces a fireball into her hand. Tells the dude to get back. Get the hell back, in fact! Red Skull tells the woman that she’s on a cocktail of horse tranquilizers and codeine and that little stabby-stab will feel better in no time.

“It was extraordinarily brave, what you did,” Red Skull says. “Putting yourself in harm’s way to save your father’s whore.” Hell yeah, baby! Whoop whoop whoop whoop! She is not the father! Whoop whoop whoop!

Once Red Skull learned that Magneto was King Fuck of Butt Mountain, he intended to focus his entire attention on him. But he was “distracted by duty”. More like “distracted by doody”. Haha.

Red Skull appreciates the irony that Scarlet Witch wouldn’t exist if he had killed Magneto like he wanted, an irony I personally don’t appreciate but at least someone in the room does! Then he calls Scarlet Witch the “final hope of mankind”, which means she has the cure for cancer! Let’s see it! Let’s see it! Don’t hold out on me, lady!

Scarlet Witch is lead to a giant greenhouse with waterfalls and foliage and mermaids. It’s his own personal gifted school, kinda like Xavier’s gifted school without any pesky fucking mutants stinking up the place. Except you, my dear Witchy Woman! You can help Red Skull famously, he guarantees it.

Meth-addicted and unhinged? Baby, that’s a recipe for success!

Red Skull starts talking about his goofy Nazi years. His consciousness was recorded in a cloned body by Chief Science Officer Arnim Zola, of course! Preserved in a bunker, only to be revived in 70 years! And that’s *checks watch* hey, that’s now! Isn’t that silly wacky?! He awoke in America in 2012 where he saw the same shit going down that he saw in Germany in 1942. How very clairvoyant. “Mutants are the ultimate invading foreigners. You are their greatest fear–” he turns to Scarlet Witch who doesn’t look scary at all, “–and rightfully so.”

I don’t know what Scarlet Witch did, but it wasn’t good, and I’m guessing it was related to trying to genocide about 100,000,000 mutant-types. “You’ve never belonged in their world, Wanda.” Red Skull grins. “You see them for the danger they are. Deep down, you want to live in a world free of mutants.”

Scarlet Witch makes a face that’s kinda like “….yeah…..”

Red Skull is like “Wanna kill them all over again?”

Scarlet Witch thinks about it. She needs a tremendous amount of power and will. And determination. Oh yeah, and 500 bucks. “Yes. I can do it again.”

Eep!

At this inconvenient point, Red Skull gets a Nextel call that tells him that “Dancing Water” (the blue lady) and Mzee (Turtle Face) have allowed Rogue to escape! And no one knows where she is! Red Skull walks away obviously ready to throw some asses into the deep fryer.

Heil!

SUDDENLY, ROGUE SHOWS UP BEHIND SCARLET WITCH AND GRABS HER JAW AND SAYS “HEARD ALL I NEED TO” AND SCARLET WITCH SPINS AROUND AND TWOKKS ROGUE IN THE FACE AND SAYS “REMOVE YOUR HANDS FROM ME!” AND ROGUE HAD ALREADY TOUCHED HER SO THINGS ARE LOOKING UP AND–

Scarlet Witch conjures up a terrifying tempest of pink, smoky chaos and blasts Rogue with it. She sends her into Hell, basically. In reality, she finds down a hole to a secert lab for some reason that’s beyond my meager understanding. Scarlet Witch calls Rogue a trailer trash dirtbag slut from the sewer swamp and leaps down after her.

They both stop in their tracks. Charles Xavier, supine on an operating table, desecrated!

Awww, someone took a big juicy bite out of his head before I was able to get to it first!

Rogue cries. Scarlet Witch sort of snaps out of it, suddenly unable to believe that she was about to help Red Skull do his Nazi bidding. Rogue has a flashback of Xavier accepting her into the school against Storm’s wishes. Charles Xavier’s skin looks so silky smooth with youngness and paraplegic vibrance! “All mutants lead extraordinary lives, most make mistakes and deserve a chance for redemption.” Well la di da, Mr. Altruism.

Back to reality, Rogue grits her teeth. “I’ll kill him for this. If it’s the last thing I do.” Hopefully she means Scott Summers, because lol.

She means Red Skull, because he’s already in the middle of thwarting Rogue. He enters the room with his posse, including Dancing Water, Mzee, and a gaggle of other misfits. “With your dear Xavier’s brain now fused to my own, I can clearly see what your final act will be…

…BEGGING.

Final Thoughts

Meh. I still think Charles Xavier’s brain is full of prions that’s going to give Red Skull the human version of mad cow disease. He’ll be flopping all over the place soon enough, rest assured.