Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Thrones”! In the previous installment, things start coming to a head when all these gods begin showing up on the mortal plane in order to… fight with other gods. Hera, Poseidon, Hades, Hermes, they’re all here to stink up the place with their self-indulgent petulance. Take it somewhere else, nerds.

This is the final issue of the Blood storyline. I hope you all had as much fun as I did! Misery loves company, after all.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6 [April, 2012]
Written by: Brian Azzarello
“Thrones”

IN ISSUE #6, WONDER WOMAN GETS EATEN BY THE HELL DOG! OR DOES SHE? STAY TUNED TO FIXNCHXXSHHSHAXHC ASAHXHASHASHX

Poseidon the Slimy, Stinky Octopus is enraged that Hera is poking her nose into business that she shouldn’t be poking into, throwing her dick around this way and that. His tentacles are still wrapped around Wonder Woman, who keeps screaming that Poseidon is in no position to throw his own dick around either. All the gods should just keep their dicks in their pants for real.

While Poseidon keeps hollering about Hera’s gross misconduct, like it’s Wonder Woman’s fault, Zola and the rest of the gawking locals maintain their positions on the bridge. Watching the train wreck unfolding.

“This world was divided among three brothers. The heavens, the seas, and the underworld. The scraps we left to others. I can understand how the scraps may be lacking, because the seas certainly are. But… the seas now hold the power. I can destroy the scraps, or the others can be happy with them. It’s their choice to oppose me.”

I’m not sure yet who narrated that big block o’ text, but we have more pressing matters to attend to here! Matters like “there’s an octopus in the river yelling loudly about Zeus.” That, PLUS those demonic centaurs have started tormenting the onlookers on the bridge.

“What if the Queen sees things differently?” Wonder Woman asks.
“WITHOUT A KING, THE QUEEN HAS NOTHING!” bellows Poseidon.

Yeah, nothing to lose. Check and mate, fool.

Let’s hang out down in the sewers for a bit where Lennox and Hades are having their own pow-wow.

Broken Nose vs. Atomic Bomb Head. $50 on pay-per-view.

Sounds like the discussion is about the inscrutability of that which is known as The Woman. Can’t figure them out. Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them. God or human, doesn’t matter, it’s like they’re all on their PERIODS or something. Like, stop nagging and let me jerk off on the couch while watching SportsCenter! WOMEN!

“Takes a smart man to admit what ‘e don’ know. An admirable trait,” Lennox sneers toward Hades, who is clearly still afraid of girls.
“You interest me, Mr. Lennox,” Hades says, deflecting, looking like Chef Boyardee. Lennox tells Hades to drop the “Mr.”, and Hades tells Lennox to call him “Hell”. Fast friends, these two! They’re going to go out and play until mom yells at them to come back home.

“So he’ll be back down. You’re that sure,” Hades asks Lennox.
“I am,” Lennox responds.

OKEY-DOKEY! Hades really does seem like a little twerp. Lennox has the upper hand here. We’ll have to see how this plays out in a moment; Wonder Woman is still wrestling with a mollusk.

“I think… there’s a bargain that can be struck,” Wonder Woman diplomatically tells the angry god.
“DO YOU? A BARGAIN WITH HADES? I’M IN NO SUCH MOOD…” Poseidon groans, but ending that thought with an ellipse tells me that he certainly could be in the right mood if the wind happens to blow another way. If you catch his drift. His wind drift.

Wonder Woman NOOOOO!! You could hurt someone with that!

He flings Wonder Woman out of the river. She lands on the bridge, where she breaks herself off a sharp piece of wooden flagpole. The demon centaurs are still horsing around on the bridge! Tee hee. They’re hitting vans with spiked maces and making growly faces. I’m not sure what their angle is, but someone should just push them into the river or hit them in the faces with a comically large spring-loaded boxing glove.

Zola is hiding under a truck on the bridge. Wonder Woman pole vaults, smacking Centaur #1 in the face. She lands on Centaur #2, who is trying to lift the truck up. From what I can see, Wonder Woman landing on Centaur without any kind of sharp object still causes an immense amount of blood to spill. Centaur #2 is collapsed in a heap, and Wonder Woman lifts the truck herself to rescue Zola.

“Didn’t I tell you to stay close?” she chides Zola after Wonder Woman grabs her and jumps off the bridge, narrowly missing an attack from Centaur #1.
“Screw you! This is no position for a woman in my condition to be in!”

Ah, levity. Both women have a feeling that Lennox’s plan, whatever that may be, isn’t working. Wonder Woman, however, doesn’t want to throw in the towel just yet. Maybe Lennox is faring better with what he’s doing in the sewers. Maybe catching alligators!

Lennox and Hades walk along underground. “I find this fascinating,” Hades says, breaking the awkward silence with some inane chatter. Apparently, Lennox is always trying to pull a fast one on many gods. Many many gods. All the time, fucking with these gods. “It never ends well for you,” Hades says pointedly.

They reach the end of the drainage ditch, and through Hades’ sloppy melted candle hairdo he recognizes Hermes the Broken Useless Messenger. This is funny to him.

Pull my finger, Hot Head.

“You said you’re running with someone you can’t possibly keep up with,” Hades observed.
“Well, was jus’ a turn of phrase,” Lennox responds, looking quite smug with his smug cigarette and that smug bandage across his smug nose. Hades’ mouth contorts into a terrifying, sex offender-y sneer. “Heh. Perhaps your words were.”

Wonder Woman, Zola, and Poseidon have also made their way to the meeting place. The gang’s all here! Scores to settle! Axes to grind! Beefs to… uh, grill.

Lennox is surprised that Zola is there too, but begrudgingly accepts it. Wonder Woman asks the guy if she can trust him “while she’s gone”, and he lets her know with his untrustworthy face that, yes, she can trust him.

They all look up at the massive, angry octopus fish beast. They all have a proposition for the ugly god that he may find gentle upon the ears!

Seems awfully perverse to me, actually.

POSEIDON DOESN’T LIKE TO SHARE!! RAAAWWWRRR!! “So Hera retains her position under two kings? That is priceless…” he guffaws heartily. Hades and Lennox chuckle as well. Someone knows something the fish doesn’t know! Like, breath mints, for example.

LIGHTNING STREAKS THE GREEN SKY! HERA APPEARS BEFORE THEM IN HER FLUFFY, “INTIMIDATING” PEACOCK CLOAK!

“This is NOT coming to pass!”

Well great, that complicates everything further. Everybody wants everything. No one is willing to compromise. The gods are a bunch of babies. “Your laughter is like the squealing of pigs,” she says, fiercely pointing at the lot of them. Oink oink. Moo. “Disrespectful to both me and your brother. Why, if Zeus were here to hear. He would break your bones.”

Ooooooh, scary. Zeus the Bone Breaking God. I’ll take a number.

Hades points out that Zeus isn’t here. Zeus is a pile of dead mush somewhere. Hera finds this a pity. “Heaven has left his throne wanting an ass to warm it.”

Again, perverse. But hey, who am I to opine over heaven’s Throne of Warm Ass? And Hera thinks hers is just the right ass for the job! “Really?” leers Poseidon, “Yours is quite frigid, no?”

Oh, that did it. She begins squawking, but Lennox is tired of this charade and takes action. After lighting his cigarette with one of Hades’ head candles, he snaps one of them off his dome and tosses it to Wonder Woman. Hermes tosses his staff to Wonder Woman. Now Wonder Woman has two objects. The suspense!

Behold the Orb of Bullshit!

“What do you think you’re doing, Messenger?” Hera growls.
“Sending a message,” Hermes responds with an air of self-satisfaction.

Who’s getting the message? Who deserves the message? Who needs to hear such a message? That bitch Hera, that’s who.

Wonder Woman throws the candle. Hera says “NO” a lot. What happens next might be some Greek mythology thing where a candle is thrown and Hera doesn’t like it, but I don’t know anything about that. But let’s go with that, because I have no other explanation for what happens next: There’s a large explosion and Hera appears back in her Mt. Olympus castle, positively seething. Wonder Woman is there too, and Hera is going to fucking destroy her for this ungodly, godless display of goddamn god disrespect.

Wonder Woman vows to make Hera regret her actions. Hera tries to grab her, but Wonder Woman is ethereal and Hera’s hand passes right through, much to her chagrin. I, too, would be rendered quite chagrined.

The explosion in London caused a lot of falling debris, from which Lennox protects Zola. This, in turn, causes Zola to realize Lennox is made of stone. Somehow.

Poseidon laughs some more. That guy sure is cheerful. Is this story over yet?

“Seems we’ve been played for fools, Brother,” Poseidon sneers.
“Yes, and deservedly,” Hades responds. Then they kiss, tongues intertwined.

Wonder Woman is back in London. Or perhaps she never left? And this was all game to get Hera all mad and stompy? What for?

“Protecting a mother and her child,” Wonder Woman responds, arms akimbo in her “I’m a superhero!” pose. Poseidon is cool with that and fucks off, betraying some respect for her Amazon niece.

So Hera has been neutralized, Hades has walked off defeated and miffed, and Poseidon, in the end, is good-natured about the whole ordeal. A job well done, it seems. A ghostly woman in a brown tunic and brown pants appears in the opening of the drainage ditch, whom only Zola had noticed. The figure looks like her mother. She drifts away from the rest of the group.

“ZOLA–!! DON’T–” screams Hermes.

But it’s toooooo late!

Now here’s a SHLORK you won’t soon forget! Nice ass, by the way.

So the creature baited the young woman and grabs her with eely tentacles. Wonder Woman runs after Zola as she is dragged through the sewer hootin’ and hollerin’.

“We struck a bargain, Wonder Woman,” the large, Wizard of Oz visage of Hades proclaims through the waterfall, “Fulfill your end, or Zeus’ bloodline ends with you.”

Oh no you di’int.

Final Thoughts

What will become of Wonder Woman and Zola?!

Meh.