Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Thrones”

* Part 6 of 6 of the Blood storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Thrones”! In the previous installment, things start coming to a head when all these gods begin showing up on the mortal plane in order to… fight with other gods. Hera, Poseidon, Hades, Hermes, they’re all here to stink up the place with their self-indulgent petulance. Take it somewhere else, nerds.

This is the final issue of the Blood storyline. I hope you all had as much fun as I did! Misery loves company, after all.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6 [April, 2012]
Written by: Brian Azzarello
“Thrones”

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6

IN ISSUE #6, WONDER WOMAN GETS EATEN BY THE HELL DOG! OR DOES SHE? STAY TUNED TO FIXNCHXXSHHSHAXHC ASAHXHASHASHX

Poseidon the Slimy, Stinky Octopus is enraged that Hera is poking her nose into business that she shouldn’t be poking into, throwing her dick around this way and that. His tentacles are still wrapped around Wonder Woman, who keeps screaming that Poseidon is in no position to throw his own dick around either. All the gods should just keep their dicks in their pants for real.

While Poseidon keeps hollering about Hera’s gross misconduct, like it’s Wonder Woman’s fault, Zola and the rest of the gawking locals maintain their positions on the bridge. Watching the train wreck unfolding.

“This world was divided among three brothers. The heavens, the seas, and the underworld. The scraps we left to others. I can understand how the scraps may be lacking, because the seas certainly are. But… the seas now hold the power. I can destroy the scraps, or the others can be happy with them. It’s their choice to oppose me.”

I’m not sure yet who narrated that big block o’ text, but we have more pressing matters to attend to here! Matters like “there’s an octopus in the river yelling loudly about Zeus.” That, PLUS those demonic centaurs have started tormenting the onlookers on the bridge.

“What if the Queen sees things differently?” Wonder Woman asks.
“WITHOUT A KING, THE QUEEN HAS NOTHING!” bellows Poseidon.

Yeah, nothing to lose. Check and mate, fool.

Let’s hang out down in the sewers for a bit where Lennox and Hades are having their own pow-wow.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Broken Nose vs. Atomic Bomb Head. $50 on pay-per-view.

Sounds like the discussion is about the inscrutability of that which is known as The Woman. Can’t figure them out. Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them. God or human, doesn’t matter, it’s like they’re all on their PERIODS or something. Like, stop nagging and let me jerk off on the couch while watching SportsCenter! WOMEN!

“Takes a smart man to admit what ‘e don’ know. An admirable trait,” Lennox sneers toward Hades, who is clearly still afraid of girls.
“You interest me, Mr. Lennox,” Hades says, deflecting, looking like Chef Boyardee. Lennox tells Hades to drop the “Mr.”, and Hades tells Lennox to call him “Hell”. Fast friends, these two! They’re going to go out and play until mom yells at them to come back home.

“So he’ll be back down. You’re that sure,” Hades asks Lennox.
“I am,” Lennox responds.

OKEY-DOKEY! Hades really does seem like a little twerp. Lennox has the upper hand here. We’ll have to see how this plays out in a moment; Wonder Woman is still wrestling with a mollusk.

“I think… there’s a bargain that can be struck,” Wonder Woman diplomatically tells the angry god.
“DO YOU? A BARGAIN WITH HADES? I’M IN NO SUCH MOOD…” Poseidon groans, but ending that thought with an ellipse tells me that he certainly could be in the right mood if the wind happens to blow another way. If you catch his drift. His wind drift.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Wonder Woman NOOOOO!! You could hurt someone with that!

He flings Wonder Woman out of the river. She lands on the bridge, where she breaks herself off a sharp piece of wooden flagpole. The demon centaurs are still horsing around on the bridge! Tee hee. They’re hitting vans with spiked maces and making growly faces. I’m not sure what their angle is, but someone should just push them into the river or hit them in the faces with a comically large spring-loaded boxing glove.

Zola is hiding under a truck on the bridge. Wonder Woman pole vaults, smacking Centaur #1 in the face. She lands on Centaur #2, who is trying to lift the truck up. From what I can see, Wonder Woman landing on Centaur without any kind of sharp object still causes an immense amount of blood to spill. Centaur #2 is collapsed in a heap, and Wonder Woman lifts the truck herself to rescue Zola.

“Didn’t I tell you to stay close?” she chides Zola after Wonder Woman grabs her and jumps off the bridge, narrowly missing an attack from Centaur #1.
“Screw you! This is no position for a woman in my condition to be in!”

Ah, levity. Both women have a feeling that Lennox’s plan, whatever that may be, isn’t working. Wonder Woman, however, doesn’t want to throw in the towel just yet. Maybe Lennox is faring better with what he’s doing in the sewers. Maybe catching alligators!

Lennox and Hades walk along underground. “I find this fascinating,” Hades says, breaking the awkward silence with some inane chatter. Apparently, Lennox is always trying to pull a fast one on many gods. Many many gods. All the time, fucking with these gods. “It never ends well for you,” Hades says pointedly.

They reach the end of the drainage ditch, and through Hades’ sloppy melted candle hairdo he recognizes Hermes the Broken Useless Messenger. This is funny to him.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Pull my finger, Hot Head.

“You said you’re running with someone you can’t possibly keep up with,” Hades observed.
“Well, was jus’ a turn of phrase,” Lennox responds, looking quite smug with his smug cigarette and that smug bandage across his smug nose. Hades’ mouth contorts into a terrifying, sex offender-y sneer. “Heh. Perhaps your words were.”

Wonder Woman, Zola, and Poseidon have also made their way to the meeting place. The gang’s all here! Scores to settle! Axes to grind! Beefs to… uh, grill.

Lennox is surprised that Zola is there too, but begrudgingly accepts it. Wonder Woman asks the guy if she can trust him “while she’s gone”, and he lets her know with his untrustworthy face that, yes, she can trust him.

They all look up at the massive, angry octopus fish beast. They all have a proposition for the ugly god that he may find gentle upon the ears!

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Seems awfully perverse to me, actually.

POSEIDON DOESN’T LIKE TO SHARE!! RAAAWWWRRR!! “So Hera retains her position under two kings? That is priceless…” he guffaws heartily. Hades and Lennox chuckle as well. Someone knows something the fish doesn’t know! Like, breath mints, for example.

LIGHTNING STREAKS THE GREEN SKY! HERA APPEARS BEFORE THEM IN HER FLUFFY, “INTIMIDATING” PEACOCK CLOAK!

“This is NOT coming to pass!”

Well great, that complicates everything further. Everybody wants everything. No one is willing to compromise. The gods are a bunch of babies. “Your laughter is like the squealing of pigs,” she says, fiercely pointing at the lot of them. Oink oink. Moo. “Disrespectful to both me and your brother. Why, if Zeus were here to hear. He would break your bones.”

Ooooooh, scary. Zeus the Bone Breaking God. I’ll take a number.

Hades points out that Zeus isn’t here. Zeus is a pile of dead mush somewhere. Hera finds this a pity. “Heaven has left his throne wanting an ass to warm it.”

Again, perverse. But hey, who am I to opine over heaven’s Throne of Warm Ass? And Hera thinks hers is just the right ass for the job! “Really?” leers Poseidon, “Yours is quite frigid, no?”

Oh, that did it. She begins squawking, but Lennox is tired of this charade and takes action. After lighting his cigarette with one of Hades’ head candles, he snaps one of them off his dome and tosses it to Wonder Woman. Hermes tosses his staff to Wonder Woman. Now Wonder Woman has two objects. The suspense!

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Behold the Orb of Bullshit!

“What do you think you’re doing, Messenger?” Hera growls.
“Sending a message,” Hermes responds with an air of self-satisfaction.

Who’s getting the message? Who deserves the message? Who needs to hear such a message? That bitch Hera, that’s who.

Wonder Woman throws the candle. Hera says “NO” a lot. What happens next might be some Greek mythology thing where a candle is thrown and Hera doesn’t like it, but I don’t know anything about that. But let’s go with that, because I have no other explanation for what happens next: There’s a large explosion and Hera appears back in her Mt. Olympus castle, positively seething. Wonder Woman is there too, and Hera is going to fucking destroy her for this ungodly, godless display of goddamn god disrespect.

Wonder Woman vows to make Hera regret her actions. Hera tries to grab her, but Wonder Woman is ethereal and Hera’s hand passes right through, much to her chagrin. I, too, would be rendered quite chagrined.

The explosion in London caused a lot of falling debris, from which Lennox protects Zola. This, in turn, causes Zola to realize Lennox is made of stone. Somehow.

Poseidon laughs some more. That guy sure is cheerful. Is this story over yet?

“Seems we’ve been played for fools, Brother,” Poseidon sneers.
“Yes, and deservedly,” Hades responds. Then they kiss, tongues intertwined.

Wonder Woman is back in London. Or perhaps she never left? And this was all game to get Hera all mad and stompy? What for?

“Protecting a mother and her child,” Wonder Woman responds, arms akimbo in her “I’m a superhero!” pose. Poseidon is cool with that and fucks off, betraying some respect for her Amazon niece.

So Hera has been neutralized, Hades has walked off defeated and miffed, and Poseidon, in the end, is good-natured about the whole ordeal. A job well done, it seems. A ghostly woman in a brown tunic and brown pants appears in the opening of the drainage ditch, whom only Zola had noticed. The figure looks like her mother. She drifts away from the rest of the group.

“ZOLA–!! DON’T–” screams Hermes.

But it’s toooooo late!

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Now here’s a SHLORK you won’t soon forget! Nice ass, by the way.

So the creature baited the young woman and grabs her with eely tentacles. Wonder Woman runs after Zola as she is dragged through the sewer hootin’ and hollerin’.

“We struck a bargain, Wonder Woman,” the large, Wizard of Oz visage of Hades proclaims through the waterfall, “Fulfill your end, or Zeus’ bloodline ends with you.”

Oh no you di’int.

Final Thoughts

What will become of Wonder Woman and Zola?!

Meh.


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Panda Bear / Sonic Boom, Just Mustard, and Major Parkinson

With only six Wednesdays left until the end of the year, and four weeks of January spillover, I don’t have much of a chance anymore to pump out some 2022 album reviews. As we get closer to list season, I feel more motivated to listen to some new albums again and maybe, just maybe, regurgitate some thoughts about them while my Christmas tree slowly dies in my living room.

Here are reviews for the new albums from Panda Bear / Sonic Boom, Just Mustard, and Major Parkinson.

Panda Bear / Sonic Boom – Reset
(August 12, 2022)

Panda Bear / Sonic Boom - Reset

Panda Bear’s a busy bear! And not the kind of gay community bear. Noah Lennox is too twinky to be a bear, but his collaboration with Peter Kember, aka Sonic Boom, is enjoyable! How is that for an excellent, seamless segue? I’m a good writer.

The obvious influence here is the Beach Boys, especially the vocal harmonies. “Everyday” has the multipart layered falsettos. “Edge” has those deep baritone “no no no no” arpeggios. Brian Wilson would be turning in his grave if he wasn’t still alive!

The best of Reset comes from Track 1, “Gettin’ to the Point”. It’s your typical Lennox soaring vocal melody over a continuous Lou Reed-style acoustic guitar riff. Plus, there’s a lot of the usual electronic bells and whistles we’ve all been accustomed to from any Panda Bear / Animal Collective project. The bridge of “Back up, back up/Back it up, back it up again” sounds like Sparks when Russell Mael isn’t singing in a register only dogs can hear. This also happens on the second track, “Go On” with “Give it to me/Give it to me“.

Other elements from bands of yore that I can hear besides the aforementioned come from the Beatles, Tangerine Dream, Kraftwerk, ELO, and the Zombies. It’s an electronic lush pop pastiche of the classic rock era. Lennox pulls from so many influences while keeping the usual Animal Collective glossy indie sensibilities that it’s hard not to enjoy. If you like that kind of thing. Maybe you just like Robert Plant shouting “BAYEE-BAY” over and over again. In that case, you might not like this! But, that being said, Lennox hasn’t changed his formula since 2007’s groundbreaking Person Pitch. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. It works, but it’s no longer innovative. Don’t think about it too hard, it’s just a fun love letter to the duo’s many sunny ’60s pop influences. Enjoy the pleasant ride.

Early Verdict:

Just Mustard – Heart Under
(May 27, 2022)

Just Mustard - Heart Under

“Just Mustard” is kind of a weird name for a shoegaze band. In a manner of word association, the first thing that comes to mind is Chicago’s hatred of ketchup on hot dogs. But no, these people are from Ireland, and they play a very interesting mix of shoegaze, noise rock, and trip hop. Fronted by the beautifully-voiced Katie Ball, the result is something otherworldly and captivating.

What really TICKLES my fancy is all the industrial noise. Industrial in the purest sense of the word. “Still”, for example, has percussive metallic chugging and scraping guitar tones. It sounds like old machinery in a filthy, haunted steel mill. And with With Ball’s airy voice, it’s dream-pop slowly slipping into a complete nightmare. It’s incredibly cool.

And, surely, much to my satisfaction, this industrial atmosphere is here to stay. The robotic snare drum brushes and watery echoes of “I Am You” give the sensation of plunging deep in the ocean under an oil drilling rig. The walls of sound in “Seed” offer suffocating claustrophobia. The catchy noise passages in “Sore” bring melody to the chaos. And, all the while, the pleasant vocal style remains unchanged. It maintains unease. A false sense of security. A horror movie with disaster right around the corner. Especially “Blue Chalk” ‘s lovely ambient progression. Its mellow shoegaze. It’s very tense. You’re waiting for the jump scare at any moment.

In short, I like this a whole bunch! I think it’s some really original stuff. Not your average shoegaze band. Give it a listen if you have even a remote interest in My Bloody Valentine, the Jesus & Mary Chain, Slowdive, or even Joy Division.

Early Verdict:

Major Parkinson – Valesa – Chapter I: Velvet Prison
(October 7, 2022)

Major Parkinson - Valesa - Chapter I: Velvet Prison

This is the weirdest album I’ve heard all year, and it’s not because it’s actually weird. I mean, it’s weird as shit, but it’s not weird in the same sense that I’m used to from Major Parkinson’s weirdness. This is complete departure from the usual gruff dark cabaret prog rock, and I wasn’t expecting that. I was never expecting this.

I imagine that Valesa… must be polarizing for dyed-in-the-wool Major Parkinson fans. I love the first four albums, having rated nothing lower than an 8/10, but I’m in the camp that’s reasonably disappointed from their fifth effort. For lack of a better phrase, I would describe this as a synthwave musical. Gone are the string arrangements, gone are the sinister minor chords. Hell, there are barely any guitars! Pulsing keyboard melodies, classic piano ballads, frantic drums and soaring vocals. It’s like an ABBA rock opera. Cool on paper, but I have some issues with it.

It’s overlong. There’s a lot of filler here in these 17 tracks. Dare I say, most of it is filler. Run through the album a few times and only a small handful of tracks will stick out. There is the fantastic, albeit corny, “Live Forever”, with the most memorable melody you’ll find. Plus the added bonus of Jon Ivar Kolbotn belting out vocals WITHOUT his usual gruff Tom Waits gravel throat (he’s got a pretty nice voice!). It’s the first time he has ever sung like that, and it’s jarring to say the least. There’s also the fun, corny and self-aware “Fantasia Me Now!” which takes the melancholy nostalgic romanticism of real synthwave and flips it on its head. The poppiest pop female voice sings “If life is a miracle/It’s a miracle yeah/I’m sitting by myself on a Saturday night” while Kolbotn responds with a loud “All I wanna do is to see the Neverending Story with you/I haven’t seen it since 1987“, cracking me up every time. Other than those two, count them two, tracks, I hardly remember the rest of it after a few listens. The lyrics are better than the music most of the time. Besides the cool, raw solo, “The House” has my favorite verse: a dramatic delivery of “Kids in the basement playing Space Invaders/The neon commanders in the pitch-black night/Oooh the lateral flexion of her carpal bones/She made a ten-foot-tall statue of Ferris Bueller“.

Filler notwithstanding, here’s my real problem with the album. I simply do not like musicals. Call it an unfair personal bias, but none of this over-the-top Disney music resonates with me. At all. I realize, too, that the rest of the Major Parkinson discography is similarly over-the-top, but I suppose I prefer my over-the-toppedness to be shrouded in creepy carnival music than in saccharine-y sweet ’80s pop. I’m really hoping it’s grower since Major Parkinson is my favorite post-2000s band. We’ll see in time.

Early Verdict:


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The Eye of the World (Book 1) – Chapter 9: “Tellings of the Wheel”

The Wheel of Time - Book 1 - The Eye of the World

This was a boring chapter. Chapters like these in fantasy books are a slog to read, and maybe I was already very tired today while reading this. I was up until 1:30am last night, I woke up at 6:30am, and I trudged through a whole day at work! A WHOLE day! I was looking forward to an evening reading a lengthy chapter about what I hoped would be the start of Rand’s anxious, queasy journey.

Here’s what I got instead:

A 5-page dream sequence – Rand spends five of these pages having a dream, and there’s nothing worse than reading about someone’s dream. Especially if the dream is just about running away from evil-looking landscapes and evil-looking entities that are supposed to represent real evil entities. In this case, Godzilla and the Dark One. BoOoooOoOOOOooO! Scary!

He ends up at a city with a big white tower, and the white tower is in front of him everywhere he turns. He finally approaches it and Myrddraal is there waiting for him! Boo! Scary!

A 5-page history of Emond’s Field – During a mob’s confrontation of Moiraine wherein they urge her to, uhhhh, get the fuck out of town, Moiraine silences them all and starts talking about how Emond’s Field came to be. Very frustrating, because it was distressingly dull. Distressing because I just KNOW that it was a really important five pages. I couldn’t even tell you what it was about. I read it twice! Fuck me, man. Maybe I should try re-reading it again tomorrow after I get even less sleep than I got last night.

The stuff in the middle was slightly more interesting: Rand and Tam have a conversation. Tam is almost back to his old self, although he is advised to stay in the inn’s bed for another few weeks to recover. Nonetheless, although Tam might not totally believe that the Trollocs are after his son, he understands that Rand must do what he must do and doesn’t fight too hard against it. Probably because Tam wants his angsty teenage out of his house for a while. Sounds like a real opportunity to me!

The chapter ends with Lan huffily dragging Rand and Mat over to the stableyard. Their journey will finally begin. Maybe. Or it won’t! And I’ll have to deal with it.


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Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #6 – “Zodiac (Part 6)”

* Part 6 of 8 of the Zodiac storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #6 – “Zodiac (Part 6)”! In the previous installment, the Guardians of the Galaxy show up on Earth because the Avengers are too incompetent to work on this Thanos problem by themselves and they need to be bailed out. There’s a bit of fighting and bickering about what Thanos wants and why he’s employing 12 idiots to do his bidding.

The object that was stolen from the army convoy was a Cosmic Cube. Thanos has a Cosmic Cube now. I don’t know what that means, but I recommend exchanging it for a Cosmic Sphere so that he can go Cosmic Bowling.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #6 [October, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 6)”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #6

Yeah, whatever. The cover is filled with nerds. Go get laid, nerds.

Maria “Cobie Smulders” “Robin Scherbatsky” Hill asks the “Avengers” to “assemble”. It looks like a veritable Who’s Who of all the members who weren’t good enough to be involved in this story. I recognize, like, four. Reed Richards is there looking important and neutered. Spider-Man poses up front with his good side sticking out. Wolverine is crouching like he’s taking the biggest dump of his life.

Maria Hill is running things while Captain America is away. The members look concerned. Captain America is never away! He’s always everywhere at once! Something must be up if Cap is tied up for more than 45 minutes.

“We have been the victims of a cosmic level breach,” Hill explains, “A being called Thanos entered Earth atmosphere less than two hours ago and left here with an item we must retrieve–”

Everyone already knows Thanos. I’ve even heard of Thanos and I can’t even name six characters on Archer. Let’s see, there’s Archer. Chris Parnell. Aisha Tyler. Bob Burgers. Rickon Morty.

The whole room is like “oh damn” and “what”. Hill can’t give much more info than that, but just know that the item is very dangerous and expensive and cube-shaped. Stop asking questions and find the item that she can’t even tell you anything about. Hill then tells them to hold on while she gets a call in the middle of sentence. A sentence that would’ve ended with something like “planet go boom, kablooey, flush, bubble, glub”.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #6

We recruited the good Avengers for this mission. None of the shitty ones. No offense, shitty ones.

The call is from Tony Stark and the rest of the dream team; they want to speak to the Z-List Avengers through a Stargate portal. Hill chides the drunkard about relaying information without Security Clearance Level 9,000,000 (Tony Stark is Clearance Level -12), but he doesn’t care and he says more secret stuff about it. Stuff like “the army had the cube first”.

Spider-Man points out that Hulk is behind them. Did they know that Hulk was behind them. The answer is a resounding “oh, hey there Hulk”. Also, per Stark, Hulk is there to “shove the Cosmic Cube up Thanos’ butt”. I actually didn’t make that one up, surprisingly.

Reed Richards wants to be involved! “You’re going to need more of a team than that,” he states, trying wedge himself into the situation like a self-important, neutered dingus. Stark tells him they have the Guardians of the Galaxy, so shove off. What they need from him, and all the other shiftless Avengers, to “batten down the hatches” on Earth. In other words, stay out of everyone’s way.

When Stark asks them all if they need anything at the moment when they’re available, someone who I think might possibly be Captain Marvel asks “What does a Thanos with a Cosmic Cube do?”

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #6

YES! What a terribly absurd statement! Real bonehead stuff!

GREAT QUESTION! If you didn’t think of “fuck everything up forever” then maybe you shouldn’t be on any Avengers team for the rest of your ignorant life.

Thanos is on PLANET MOORD (lol), HOME OF THE BROTHERHOOD OF THE BADOON (lolol). He is preparing for the inevitable mission from the Avengers of trying to steal the Cube from him. He kindly lifts a Badoon leader up by the neck and kindly asks him to have his people stop the Avengers before they arrive or else they’re all dead Badoon meat. AND IF THEY DO ACTUALLY STOP THEM, and they had better, then Thanos promises them that they will become so powerful in the galaxy that even the Skrull and the Kree will bow to them. Even the SKRULL! Even the KREE!!

The “good” Avengers team is flying toward, uh, Planet Moord in their quinjet. All except Thor, who opts to fly outside of the jet. He’s two feet away from it, holding his hammer in front of him in a foolishly non-aerodynamic manner. One little slip and that fucker is going to pound its way right through an engine! And I’ll laugh, and oh I will laugh!

Tony Stark loves visiting space. So many things to do and see! Lots of science stuff. Hawkeye hates visiting space. He’s not a man of science, just a man of bows and arrows.

Hulk doesn’t like it either. He’s crammed in the corner like luggage, ready to SMASH! at any moment.

Black Widow doesn’t really trust the Guardians. Tony Stark is optimistic.

In their own ship, Rocket Raccoon doesn’t really trust the Avengers. The rest are optimistic. Plus, with both a Hulk and a Thor, you can’t go wrong! *a loose hammer smashes into the cockpit window*

A bug-type Guardian asks Gamora what was going on between her and Thor back in the Avengers Tower. It was awkward and weird. Gamora insists that she doesn’t know what he’s talking about whatsoever and also shut the fuck up.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #6

Yeah… if the Egg McMuffin is the best case for Earth then it really should be destroyed.

Chris Pratt Quill tells Rocket to keep his Earthling bigotry to himself for once in his filthy raccoon life. “We need Earth in one piece, and I think the Earth heroes need to see why,” Quill says, implying, in my opinion, that Earth heroes aren’t convinced that Earth is all it’s cracked up to be?

Stark pops in rudely with his portal thing. “Hey, guys, how much longer? I have a vaguely claustrophobic Hulk on board.”

Well, good thing Thor’s hammer slipped out of his hands and struck the cabin, causing explosive decompression and sucking Hawkeye right out the plane! He fell to his death, but at least Hulk is getting some fresh air.

Hawkeye is actually fine I guess, and the plane isn’t actually destroyed (unfortunately), but they get ambushed mid-flight by a Badoon warship! They’re all like “what da hell is goin’ on derr”. They’ve been tracking them with their oh-so sophisticated technology. Technology such as one of those pirate telescopes and an astrolabe. And a digital watch.

“We’re trapped in a stasis field,” Quill complains, “They’re going to pull us on to their ship and execute us.”

“I’ve got an idea,” Stark jumps in, always so goddamned helpful, “Guardians stand down. Thor, can you hear me?”

Thor can’t hear anything because, as a god, he has no time to dedicate his ears to Earthling pipsqueaks like Tony Stark. The dude is already flipping his hammer around read to pound Badoon faces into ugly ground beef. Iron Man joins him. Time to really fuck these guys up. Yeehaw. Woop woop. Come to Poppa.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #6

OK, yeah, I see now. These Guardians think they’re hilarious. That’s not obnoxious at all. They should start a blog.

Of course, the Guardians were told to stay put, but do they listen? No. They never listen, do they? And the Guardians tell the Avengers to lighten up. This is what they do. They Guard the Galaxy. What do you do? Avenge? Avenge what? Exactly.

Iron Man is peeved, and his arrogant companions really are getting in the way here. The Badoon outnumber them. The Badoon are outsmarting them. There are a lot of actiony panels that are really not worth describing. Lots of things exploding and lots of Avengers whining. That is, of course, until Hulk decides to bust through Kool-Aid style and starts slapping these guys around with his big ol’ titties.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #6

Got what? Your own butt in your mouth, Citizen?

“Banner gone! Hulk smash!” Yes, yes, very threatening.

Captain America hits one of them with his flying shield. It barely mattered. But you’ve gone and done it. THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA GUY IS GOING TO GIVE THE GUARDIANS OF AN ENTIRE GALAXY A STERN LECTURE NOW. They. Told. All. Of. You. To. STAND! DOWN! THE AVENGERS ARE HANDLING THIS!!!!

Iron Man whines at them. He had a plan! He didn’t bother telling any of them ABOUT the plan, which was completely foolhardy and not very cool at all, honestly, but it was a plan nonetheless. Something about Trojan Horsing around. Yeah, maybe it wasn’t a very good plan anyway.

The funny thing here is that, plan or no plan, Hawkeye hits one of these Badoon guys in the wrist with an arrow, which causes him to accidentally bump this giant red button that opens the airlock. Just this enormous zit of a button on the control panel that could be easily pressed by accident constantly. It’s the largest button on the control panel by a very large margin. Easy to hit too. Just sucking every single individual out into the cold vacuum of space.

Now hear me out on this one: lmao

They’re all gripping their throats and flailing. What a sad display this is. Not so super after all, huh? Can’t even withstand outer space. Just a bunch of cucks.

And, meanwhile, Thanos’ Cube starts glowing! It starts glowing! Yes! YES! YES!

Final Thoughts

Thanos’ Cosmic Cube has been activated and every single atom of oxygen is leaving Captain America’s body (or molecule of dioxygen, if you will). Today is a good day.


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Simpsons Comics and Stories

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Welcome to the Bongo Comics Box!

I may have only been reading real comics, so to speak, for a year and a half now. But almost 30 years ago, when my Simpsons obsession was in full force, I was collecting Simpsons Comics religiously. My dad would take me to the comic book store on a monthly basis for years, and among the dozens of shelves and boxes of X-Men, Superman, Avengers, Spider-Man, Batman, and Wonder Wonder, I gravitated ONLY toward the Bongo Comics titles. Everything else was invisible to me.

I bailed on the comics shortly after the Simpsons TV show started getting really, intolerably shitty, circa 2002 or so, because the comics happened to start getting shitty around the same time as well. The first eight years are where it’s at, son. That being said, I’m going to try my damnedest to make it through everything. EVERYTHING! The wheat. The chaff. All of it.

I’m excited! This is going to be fabulously nostalgic. Most likely not for you, though! But this isn’t your blog, loser!

Bongo Nostalgia Corner

I bought Simpsons Comics and Stories along with Simpsons Comics #1, making them my sixth and seventh Bongo Comics to be added to my burgeoning collection. I was eight years old at the time. I remember feeling like I owned something important. A collector’s item that was going to become increasingly rare as the years went on. And maybe that’s true, but my copy isn’t preserved in a plastic sleeve and the many, many read-throughs have rendered the issue horribly ratty. And possibly stained with ketchup, much like Bart’s shirt in the second story!

This particular issue always felt outside the main line of Simpsons Comics to me, and technically it is, but even symbolically. It was its own contained artifact. I don’t think I’ve read it in over 20 years, but I guarantee that each and every panel will come flooding back to me like so many horrible tsunamis that destroy entire villages in over a dozen countries! But let’s not get macabre here.

Here we go!

Simpsons Comics and Stories [January, 1993]

Simpsons Comics and Stories

”Lo, There Shall Come… a Bartman!!”
Written by: Steve Vance

Simpsons Comics and Stories was a one-shot comic book born out of Simpsons Illustrated, a VERY short-lived magazine which only had 10 issues in two years. Needless to say, the various comic series were vastly more popular. At the time, no one on the magazine’s staff thought this was going to continue. They were fucking wrong. Excuse my fucking language.

The first story out of three was titled “Lo, There Shall Come… a Bartman!!”, telling the origin story of Bart’s barely-alter ego. We begin with the spiky-haired one reading an issue of Radioactive Man, Issue #456 – “By My Sidekick Betrayed!”

“Fallout Boy– Help!” yells Radioactive Man himself, squirming on the ground, “This particle beam is draining my superpowers!”
“Sorry, Chump! I’m Dr. Crab’s pal now!” Fallout Boy sneers with his new evil crustacean pal. I’m laughing already! Are you laughing already?! I’m laughing already!

Kent Brockman is on the living room TV yammering about a comic book convention coming to Springfield! Perhaps one might have very valuable items within their own collections that they could sell for bookoo bucks.

“Featured at the convention will be Arnold Leach, the man responsible for the Radioactive Man comic book. On Sunday he’ll be receiving the coveted ‘Good Guy’ Award in recognition of his achievements in raising the public’s perception of this lowbrow entertainment medium,” Brockman drawls while Bart listens with rapt attention.

Simpsons Comics and Stories

Kids in 1993 loved Flip Wilson too!

After Marge “I have cookies!” Simpson informs the two male members of her awful family that they are already planning on heading over Grampa’s shitty nursing home, they both SLAP THEIR FOREHEADS IN FRUSTRATION! AYE CARUMBA! D’OH!

So at Grampa’s they are! And he’s regaling them all with a splendid little rant about having the same opponent in both the mah-jongg tournament and the Parcheesi tournament, which sounds like Hell on Earth to me. Relatable character, that Abe Simpson. A real voice of his generation. He was probably born in 1910, isn’t that nutso cuckoo?

Bart notices a comic book flopped over Grampa’s dresser. Radioactive Man, Issue #27! “Radioactive Man’s last battle with Dr. Crab– before Dr. Crab mutated,” Bart gapes.

“Where’d you get this, Grampa?”
“My new neighbor gave it to me. He’s got a pile of that crap– he won’t shut up about it.”

Oh Grampa, you card you. Why does he have this particular issue in his dorm room, or hovel, or whatever you call a nursing home permanent motel room? It’s because there’s a published letter of complaint he wrote back in, I don’t know, the FDR administration.

Grampa’s new neighbor, Morton Mankiewicz, enters the room. Marge encourages this old stranger to allow her only son into his place so he can show him his, ahem… “collection”. In my line of work that means paraphernalia, and you all know what my line of work is, don’t ya? *wink*

And, verily, Mr. Manischewitz has a giant collection of comic books in his closet. Stacks and stacks of old, unprotected issues of various series. You know the ones. Squid Man. The Superior Squadron. Plasmo the Mystic. All your favorites.

Simpsons Comics and Stories

Wow! It’s just like Stan Lee, just without all the various sexual harrassment allegations.

Why does this guy have a bunch of comic books? Because he wrote a bunch of comic books! He’s a goddamn NERD, son. Feast your eyes.

On the way home the family discusses a topic that we, the reading audience, weren’t privy to: Morty “The Man” “Manfred” Mann is broke and degenerate and needs to sell the whole comic book collection off so he can pay his bills and buy a Ron Popeil Pocket Fisherman and whatever else old people spent their money on in the early ‘90s. It’s too bad, too. What a shame.

Kent Brockman gives updates about the first day of Springfield’s Comic Convention. Bart and Milhouse listen with rapt attention as Arnold Leach, the current chief editor of the Radioactive Man run. Sales are down, so he announces the release of a giant-size issue that will shake things up! First of all, they’re going to kill off Radioactive Man! Sales will skyrocket! Second of all, that’s it!

Bart and Milhouse are stunned and bojangled! “It’s an epic!” explains a smiling Leach, “From Chapter 1, ‘If a Foe Doth Slay Me!’ to Chapter 8, ‘The Reading of…the Will!’ Kids will love it.”

Kids will NOT love it. Bart is wide awake in the middle of the night ruminating on the ramifications of a dead Radioactive Man. I, Tom, have only had a little over a year of comic book reading experience, but don’t superheroes die and come back to life all the time? Superman died about 600 times, right? “I still can’t believe it. They’re murdering my hero!” Bart thinks, eyes the size of dinner plates, “Years from now, this is probably the moment I’ll be telling my parole board about.”

Pfft. I guess there’s no sleeping now. Bart flicks on the lights and indulges in a tried-and-true issue of Radioactive Man.

Simpsons Comics and Stories

This is probably how Trump slept in the White House, except with a big, sloppy hamburger in lieu of a cigar.

Bart is inspired. Radioactive Man just broke into this king dude’s penthouse apartment and roughed him up until he promised to stop criming! Hmmm, maybe the likes of a 10-year-old boy can do some of the same kind of roughing up…if you catch my drift…

I know! Throw a Molotov cocktail through his living room window!

Or, better yet, become a superhero himself! That sounds a little less dangerous.

“If there’s one thing I learned from comic books, it’s that criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot. To strike terror into their hearts, maybe all you need is a disguise. A creature of the night– dark– terrible.”

Simpsons Comics and Stories

Superman’s mom had to make him his costume. Bart made his costume all by himself! There’s a good lad.

Bart immediately tries to ape Radioactive Man’s actions from the issue: staking out the roof, jumping on the balcony of King Man’s apartment, and letting himself in. Bart is less than graceful: he stakes out the roof of a hotel, flops onto the balcony of the hotel room (landing on his face) and then struggles to open the locked door. Well, that’s that! Time to give up!

COMIC CONVENTION DAY TWO! Kent Brockman is on the scene reporting the GROIN-TINGLING ANNOUNCEMENT of Arnold Leach’s “Good Guy Award” ceremony. “We interrupt the Super Bowl to bring you this special live coverage of the Springfield Comic Convention.”

Backstage, Leach is going over his award acceptance speech. Bartman isn’t having any of it.

In a considerably large, wide, and deep plothole, Bartman has discovered that Arnold Leach stole the idea of Radioactive Man from Morty Mann. Which is interesting, because Leach used to be Mann’s boss and, if I’m not mistaken, superhero creations are the intellectual property of the comic book publisher or, in most cases, the publisher’s parent company. Did I get that right? Hello? Anyone? Morty Mann emerges.

“And all this time I thought you were dead,” Leach smiles smugly, puffing on his cigar.
“I might as well be, for all you care” Mann calmly responds. He’s wearing a bowtie. I imagine his voice is similar to Garrison Keillor but without the ugly, Sorkin-y face to match. “I gave you Radioactive Man – the foundation of your whole company – and you tossed me aside! You fired me off my own strip!”

Simpsons Comics and Stories

I can even take away his radioactivity! I’ll make him work at a grocery store.

Yeah, it’s called business, Morty? Boffo Comics owns the character? You signed the contracts? The company can do anything they want? What part of all this is lost on you, 66-year-old man? Boffo has the right to stick vegetables up his ass if they want to. They can make him drink Draino and slam his dick in a car door. They can give him COVID and slime him on Nickelodeon. And fuck you, sir, Leach is gonna kill the bastard.

“It’s been swell, Morty,” says Leach as he prepares to take the stage, “but I guess it’s time to face those moronic little fanboy geeks.”

Well, here’s ONE moronic little fanboy geek who just pulled a fast one on ya. Bartman used his Spymaster Jr. tape recorder (purchased from the back of a comic book) to record the whole conversation! So do you want to get a Good Guy Award or do you want to get slimed on Nickelodeon? Ha! Or do you want to get your career fucked? Up the butt. With vegetables.

So Leach approaches the dais. The fans are watching him. Brockman’s got his cameras on him. A bead of sweat drips down Leach’s fivehead. Bartman is like “grr”. Morty is like “hrmph”.

“I’m touched by the outpouring of support for our beloved atomic avenger,” Leach says after a lengthy description of the praise and accolades he’s received ahead of the “Death of Radioactiveman” giant-size, “so I’m pleased to announce a special new limited series, to be called… “The Return of Radioactive Man!”

And that old dude Morty Mann’s gonna write it! Yay! Radioactive Man is going to eat plenty of fruit pies and rant about his Watergate opinions!

“It will be followed by the reappearance of Radioactive Man’s own continuing series– re-numbered starting with all-new issue number 1!” Leach yells, throwing his hands up in the air.

Oh wow, what a completely unfathomable idea! Keep your most popular comic book character from being dead forever and you’ll keep your fans! That’s probably even better than your original idea, Leach. I wonder.

Later, Bart and Lisa read a giant stack of comic books in front of the TV. “Arnold Leach showed the world what good guys are really made of… and gave a certain radioactive hero’s tragic tale a happy ending… leaving this reporter with just one unanswered question… WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?”

Oh, the kid whose purple cape conformed perfectly with every spike on his head? I guess we’ll never know!

Simpsons Comics and Stories

Thanks for forcibly pulling my 70-year-old ass out of retirement, you little pisser.

Hey! We’re not done! There are two more stories! Click for Page 2!

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