The Death Knight’s Squire, Chapter 8 – The Temple of Amaunator

Dungeons & Dragons is the world’s most famous tabletop role-playing game. There are elves and dice and dungeon masters who wear capes. I’m embarrassed for even playing this.

Disclaimer: I’m learning as I go. There is a 100% chance that I’ll fuck up, not take something seriously enough, and piss you off to no end. Get over it.

Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, does a lot of wandering around with not much excitement, although he does infiltrate a thieves’ den and steals 1000gp worth of gems! I have no idea where he’s going to spend it in the woods, but maybe there’s a vending machine somewhere.

Oh no, a nice-looking stone doorway! Run!

The walking feels interminable, but the new trusty walking stick makes it a snap! Some keen observation reveals that Milhouse has been here before — if he turns left, he’ll be back where he fought those Giant Spiders that quote/unquote he defeated. Instead of doing an about-face, Milhouse turns right to see if there’s more treasure to be found in this neck of the woods. Learning his lessons, he moves with carefulness.

-Stealth check! DC 13. 15 + 3 = 18. Handily done.

Milhouse tiptoes like a child on Christmas morning. He checks for traps and finds a doorway to a stone building! Finally, something interesting!

-Trap-checkin’ perception roll (DC 14). 14 + 3 = 17. Success once again.

A very thorough investigation of the doorway reveals a catch mechanism on the door’s handle! Milhouse just avoided certain death!… but, Milhouse’s curiosity gets the better of him and he chooses, like an idiot, to pull on the door handle anyway. As expected by the off-screen game player, something bad happens! Two darts shoot out of cleverly-concealed holes and pierces Milhouse’s scrawny neck.

-Dumbass. Roll 2d4 and deduct from HP: 12 – 3 – 2 = 7 HP. Learn a lesson, nerd.

After applying plenty of poultice, Milhouse peers into the now-open door. Might as well anyway since it’s open, right? He enters the passage and discovers it to be a calm, cool, pleasant, but dark walkway (Note: Milhouse has darkvision, so he is allowed to continue instead of turning around). This may not be a good idea at all, but the young elf’s thrill-seeking tendencies have never stopped him before. Soon enough, he reaches the top of a flight of stone stairs. The click-clack of Milhouse’s shoes on the stone floor echo throughout the corridor. He descends the stairs anxiously, peering around for traps and denizens of the stone passage.

Milhouse hopes that this is where the Brewmonts’ son, Darek, is being held captive, perhaps on a spit with an apple stuck in his mouth. The stairs lead to a dimly-lit medium-sized chamber. More looking around ensues. There’s not much to see besides spiderwebs, dust, decay, and that bronze idol over there in the corner… heh heh… buh-what?!

Could this be Amaunator? Because he looks like a bearded John Malkovich.

It’s a likeness of Amaunator, the Sun god, the god of law and justice. He is worshipped in Faerun and not many places else, especially not Paraguay. It’s obvious that this chamber is some sort of monastery due to the plethora of cushions that litter the floor, and since Milhouse is a High Elf who isn’t a cleric or a paladin, he says “Fuck that noise” and throws a rock at the bronze idol. “What’s this doing all the way out in the middle of the woods anyway?” he says to himself loud enough to wake any thieves that may be squatting in the area. Thankfully, at least for now, he is undetected.

Milhouse takes a look around the room, making note of any oddities or delicious treasures that may be in its midst. He kicks up dust that may have been built up for years, perhaps decades, maybe even millennia! But it’s unlikely.

-Investigation check! d20 + 5 = 16 + 5 = 21, hell yeah.

The room is full of dusty old books and scrolls. Milhouse rifles through them and one catches his eye: a red book with no title. It appears to be some sort of journal. The pages are yellowing, filled with handwritten scrawl. Milhouse just about tosses it against the wall as hard as he can when he notices a mention of the Death Knight. “Buh?” he says, taking a closer look.

Hung he was, in the year 3010 EC, from the great Red Tree in the middle of the wood. After that, he became an abomination, a stain on mankind: one of the undead army. It is rumoured that a stake from the tree which he was hung from will finally put an end to his wretched half-life. There is a cave, north of the Amaunator temple, that is said to hold the undead victims of the Death Knight. Under pain of the death, the Death Knight kidnapped the son of a great cleric and made him bless the river that runs path the cave’s mouth, turning it into holy water. Hence those poor undead victims of the Death Knight are forever trapped within that cave, from now to eternity. Perhaps someday they will be freed, though the gods only know how.”

Milhouse flips through more pages and finds a scrap of parchment, which appears to be a spell: “This scroll contains the spell Protection from Evil and Good,” it says. “Hey! I don’t know that one yet!” Milhouse yells even louder than he did before. He pockets the parchment and sets his eyes on the bronze idol of Amuanator itself, which sits upon a small altar. The bronze is so sleek and shiny that it nearly blinds Milhouse’s poor, fragile darkvisioned eyeballs! And, of course, there’s a very valuable trinket lying next to it: a necklace with a holy symbol of Amaunator. “Perhaps this belonged to a monk or a cleric,” Milhouse snorts with disdain. “Insufferable.” But he pockets the necklace anyway. Maybe he can throw it at a spider later.

Pictured: Protection from Evil and Good. The sick-ass demon on it is the icing on the cake!

Satisfied with what he found in these hallowed halls, Milhouse turns around and heads back upstairs to the wood.

At this point Milhouse comes across another green dot on the map and I am prompted to roll a d100. I get 18, and I add 10 to the total due to an earlier successful stealth check. 28 leads me to the next plot point…

Milhouse heads north on the same bearing from before he encountered the stone doors. After a time, something catches his eye: a gray solid shape off the path to the left, mostly covered in leaves and twigs. Looking around and making sure he’s not going to fall into a 90-ft pit, Milhouse approaches the shape and kicks off the debris.

It’s a gravestone.

HERE LIES DAREK BREWMONT
Laid to rest in Weathercote Wood Cemetery… there to rest for all eternity

Milhouse is about to shed a tear and pour a little liquor for his homie, but then he squints and takes a closer look at the gravestone. The death date is tomorrow! What the actual fuck? “Is the boy already dead or not? What could this mean?” Milhouse thinks pensively as he walks away.

Suspicious that the stone was a hallucination, Milhouse doubles back and takes another look. This time, the name “Darek Brewmont” is gone, the actually lettering on the stone is faded and illegible, and the bottom has a clear symbol for a noose: the mark for the grave of a murderer!

Furrowing his brow, Milhouse takes one last long look at the gravestone. He hikes up his walking stick and continues going north.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 36: “Daughter of the Night”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Perrin can’t hear those damn wolves while he’s on the ship, so he finally gets to sleep. He wonders how Elyas, that other Wolf Man from Book 1, is able to sleep with all those wolves howling in his head.

He falls asleep, which is a fucking godsend for me because I get to trudge through another awful dream sequence! Perrin stands in the mist; his dead wolf buddy Hopper shows up to lead him through the fog. The go through the fog. They go through the fog until they end up in mid-air, somehow, and it’s pitch black. Below them is an array of mirrors (?) and a big group of Darkfriends led by Ba’alzamon. Apparently, some of these Darkfriends failed their missions, and Ba’alzamon smash! One let “the boy” (Mat) escape Tar Valon, so Ba’alzamon vaporizes him. Kickin’ ass and taking NO names, that’s the way to do it.

Ba’alzamon orders the rest to obey him or they’ll be horribly killed too, then he sends them all on their merry way. Selene/Lanfear pops in to tell Ba’alzamon that “he is free to use her domain” (vagina). Does this mean she no longer serves him?? And she goes “a-buh-buh-buh-bhhuh of course I still do!” But she challenges him: Lews Therin still walks the land and the Aes Sedai are in control.

Once these two lovebirds disappear, Hopper leads Perrin to another area where he can see Rand below him actin’ crazy and weird and killin’ all sorts of Darkfriends and regular folk with his red hot saidin bullets. He sees Perrin above him, gets pissed, and shoots him. Perrin wakes up with a real burn on his chest.

Perrin decides this shit is serious and tries to find Moiraine’s quarters to chat about his dream. When he explains the whole thing, Moiraine simply replies that there are Aes Sedai that would try to gentle him if they heard that. Gentling wouldn’t have any effect on Perrin, of course, but he should be careful what he says nonetheless. Lanfear is loose, which means she’ll be trying to head to Tear. And Moiraine won’t Heal Perrin because she wants him to keep the burn as a lesson.

Perrin asks about the name “Zarine” and it means, basically, a slut. Not befitting a Hunter of the Horn, so Perrin agrees with that! End scene.

Elsewhere, Rand realizes he might have seen Perrin and almost killed him! Eek! He needs to be more careful who he decides to randomly kill! About 10 men (and one female merchant) arrive to ask Rand if he would like to share the campsite with them. Rand lops off her head with a sword, then kills the rest of the men. He steals the merchant’s horse and heads off to Tear where he can jerk off some more. I mean, Jesus Christ, Rand. Get a grip.


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Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

* Part 2 of 6 of the Batman and the Monster Men limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2 – “Batman and the Monster Men (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, we are treated to four points of view: Norman Madison, business mogul who wants nothing to do with Salvatore Maroni’s shady business dealings; Julie Madison, daughter of Norman and Bruce Wayne’s newest squeeze; Professor Hugo Strange, all around loser and antagonist; and Bruce Wayne himself, the Man behind the Bat, man.

Hugo Strange is doing bad things while Batman does bat things, and that’s really all you need to know right now. It’s going to get more fleshed out here, I’m sure.

Or not.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2 [February, 2006]
Written by: Matt Wagner
“Batman and the Monster Men (Part 2)”

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

The sanitation department found a woman’s disembodied arm floating around in the sewer. There are, like, bones sticking out and everything. Gross. Apparently, there are other pieces floating around too. Double gross. Jim Gordon is on the case! First thing’s first: get rid of all the gawkin’ rubberneckin’ types! Ain’t nobody need a media circus on the scene! Second of all, leave Gordon alone with the body for a few minutes ifyaknowwhatimean. Hubba hubba.

“I try not to notice the details that add up to an answer I don’t want to consider,” Gordon thinks as rain pours on his ginger head.

Speaking of towering, wet men, Batman has arrived on the scene. He and Gordon, they’re good buddies these days. Gordon thanks Batman for showing up. So, lookie here: *points to a pile of body parts* There’s no head, so hopefully she has some fingerprints in the system. Batman notices bite marks everywhere. Good eye, professor. “She appears to have been mauled by some wild animal.”

Gordon points out that there have been no reports from the local zoos or circuses! So that rules out lions, elephants, and some of the hungrier clowns. Batman plucks a couple of hairs from under the woman’s ravaged fingernails and is kind enough to leave some evidence for, you know, the police. Gordon allows this. The Batman is good at forensics, he should get the first crack at it, son.

Meanwhile, Professor Hugo Strange is looking through microscopes and blathering about genetic manipulation. He’s distressed over an experiment that he’s fucking failing at like a little bitch. Suddenly, associates of Maroni barge into the lab to have a friendly chat with the mad scientist.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

Ey, let’s get this guy fitted for a couple’a cement shoes! What’s your size, cowboy?

Hugo Strange isn’t intimidated by these goons! However, the goons remind the little pipsqueak that Maroni demands punctual payments for his services. He’s got two days to get his finances in order or there will be hell toupee.

Julie Madison is at a restaurant waiting for Bruce to show up to their candlelit table. “God, I can’t remember the last time I sat and waited for a man in public like this,” she thinks, frustrated. Bruce then shows up with a sly kiss and an even slyer grin. He’s all schmoozy and boozy, ready to spend an evening with Gotham’s prettiest girl! (Bruce!)

They flirt a bit like horny children before finishing their meal and skipping out on the check, probably. “So, Daddy says he’d like to get to know you better. Says he wants to see if all the rumors about you are true!”

Bruce says “meh, I’m boring” but agrees to this weird interrogation that’s about to happen in the not-so-distant future. Bruce cuts the evening short so that he can go play Batman, which Julie finds awfully suspicious! “Perhaps the rumors about him are true,” she grumps. “What if there’s another woman? Or several?”

“Several” doesn’t even scratch the surface, honey. He has a whole Jonestown of women ready to drink the Kool-Aid in the name of Bruce Wayne. You best not worry too much about it, honestly.

Julie hears sirens coming from a police chase. Two fat cops are in pursuit of two fat ski-masked, gun-toting hooligans. Long story very short, Batman comes in to save the day with his various utility belt toys and knick-knacks.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

Any move that emphasizes Batman’s taut buttocks is a good move indeed!

Batman stops the bad guys, but the cops urge him to hold still or they’ll shoot from their very real guns.

“Ease up there, partner,” says Cop #2. “What are you doing?”

“He’s a wanted felon!” complains Cop #1. “There’s a standing warrant out on him! Commissioner Grogan–”

“Commissioner Grogan isn’t here,” says Cop #2. And since Batman just made their FUCKING jobs easier, let’s take the W and move on with their lives.

Speaking of taking the W, Professor Strange takes the weenis, as it were, and starts griping about the lack of availability of test subjects at this time. “…Drastic measures are necessary.”

What kind of drastic measures, son? Pullin’ the ol’ pud? Getting some sperm on your clothes? Sounds counterproductive, but hey, I’m not the professor here!

Hugo Strange is scavenging Arkham Asylum for some drooling, vegetative subjects. His guy on the inside produces a real winner. “Got a ripe one for ya tonight,” the gruff, cigarette-smoking orderly says, showing Strange a sad sack in a wheelchair.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

Jeff Conaway has seen worse days…

Strange says “yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, this’ll do quite nicely…” and presents his associate a fat wad of Monopoly money. “I don’t expect you to understand this, but… the pleasure is all yours,” Strange says dramatically. The orderly is like “yeah, whatever” and Strange drives away with his new fresh sack of meat.

Hey, how many times have you all read about Gordon wanting to be a good cop amidst a city full of bad cops? Well, guess what idiot? ACAB.

One of Gordon’s minions comes in to brief Gordon on that heist that got interrupted by the caped weirdo in the gray tights with the tight buttocks. After that, he has the results back from Forensics on the hair and DNA and poop under the dead, dismembered woman’s fingernails…

“Human,” Bruce says to himself in the Batcave of Wonders. “But how is that possible? The samples were four or five times as thick as normal human hair. I need to trace the remains to their source.”

Alfred descends the 9,000 stairs that leads to the cave with a tray of tea, a gift that Bruce slaps out of Alfred’s hand every day that he does it.

“As always it seems my timely reminders that you need to eat will be lost in the frantic furl of black leather,” Alfred says snarkily, describing Bruce’s penchant for afternoon BDSM. Bruce promises he’ll eat later once he sees a man about a horse, as it were.

Meanwhile, we turn to Norman Madison, a man no one reading this comic cares two farts about. He talks about how he built Madison Industries up from a mailman and a fishbowl to a thriving conglomerate of two mailmen and three men who got lost on the way to Dunkin’ Donuts. Maroni has visited Madison’s humble abode to discuss BUSINESS.

Batman and the Monster Men, Issue #2

Remove those pants, sailor! It’s time for some o’ those services!

“Trouble making payroll again, eh?” Maroni taunts, smoking on his fat dick of a cigar.

“Several of my… investments haven’t panned out,” Madison responds. “And two of our foreign distributors are in deep appears.”

“Tragic.” Maroni blows a fat dick of a puff of smoke. Looks like Maroni needs some money, son. “Three million is a lot o’ scratch. Yours at 30%. We got a deal. Be seein’ ya, Norman.”

Julie comes downstairs like a seven-year-old who just woke up after the adults got done playing Parcheesi and having lewd, sweaty orgies. Norman lies and tells her, uh, he had a visitor with bad manners! OK, well, not entirely a lie! Maroni isn’t known for keeping his elbows off the table. Norman observes that Julie should be out fucking Bruce Wayne, but Bruce had other plans this evening yet again! Well, Norman aughta box his ears! “Tell me, dear…” Norman snarls. “Do you trust this man? I mean, his reputation?”

Julie sniffs. She wants to trust him, but Bruce Wayne is a sack of doorknobs and is probably boning every broad in Gotham’s East Side, North Side, and every other side besides! Save some ears to box for Julie, dad!

Luckily for Julie, Bruce isn’t fucking ladies but he’s instead swimming with the poop in the sewer. A favorite pastime. Batman intends to follow the path upstream from where the body remains were discovered and he finds remnants of a biohazard bag. Was the killer a medical professional, or was he just some short bald guy who kills women who make fun of him? Hard to say!

“This case is confusing.” Batman wrinkles his nose, and I’m willing to bet that it’s not because of all the poop. He decides to take a breather on the DEAD BODY PARTS case and focus his attention of whatever Maroni is doing (picking his nose and eating the boogers).

Speaking of a guy Batman shouldn’t be ignoring right now, Professor Strange appears to Frankensteining himself up a Monster Man! His lackey tells him that there’s a gambling game going on with a dozen armed men, and Strange is like “hmmmmmmmmm, one will suffice.”

Long story very short, because I’m BORED NOW, Strange’s Frankensteined Arkham patient tears off everyone’s limbs and dismembers penises and he looks like a growling, hairy giant! And we’re only on Issue #2! Shit’s going down, fam!

Final Thoughts

This is better than Batman and the Mad Monk already, but we still have four issues to fuck it all up! Until next time.


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Season 9, Episode 5 – “Treehouse of Horror VIII”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 5 - Treehouse of Horror VIII

“Treehouse of Horror VIII”

Original Air Date:
October 26, 1997
Directed by:
Mark Kirkland
Written by:
“The HΩmega Man”: Mike Scully
“Fly vs. Fly”: David X. Cohen
“Easy-Bake Coven”: Ned Goldreyer

QUICK SYNOPSIS

Homer battles mutants after Springfield is annihilated by a neutron bomb; Bart has his DNA mixed with a fly; Marge is revealed to be a witch in colonial Springfield.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

None!

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

I’m not going to say that “Treehouse of Horror VIII” sucks, per se, but there’s a certain charm to the Halloween episodes that had been lacking since at least Season 7. Part of it might be that they stopped thematically linking the stories like they did in the earlier years — candy-induced nightmares in Season 3, a Halloween party in Season 4, paintings in Season 5. Now they just feel like haphazardly-arranged anthologies.

Or maybe the stories just aren’t as memorable as they used to be. I’ve watched through Season 9 about a hundred times in my youth and I couldn’t remember how any of these segments were going to progress or end as I was watching.

“The HΩmega Man” was a solid story. This episode aired at a time when I started learning about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, so the idea of a bomb going off in my city unnerved me. Homer took it like a champ, though! The defining moment was when he was dancing naked in church to “War” by Edwin Starr. I could have done without the mutants, though. That felt tacked on and unnecessary. It would have been funnier if Homer succumbed to crippling loneliness after several weeks when all he had to do was go back to his own house. Now that’s funny!

“Fly vs. Fly” was also a solid story. Using the matter transporter to conveniently get beer from the fridge is classic Homer, and Bart’s fly-swapping shenanigans provided some gross results! Perhaps this segment would have ended better if Bart retained some fly-like traits after regenerating himself, but I’m not some fucking Harvard graduate so who am I to write for the Simpsons?

“Easy-Bake Coven”, while having a title pun that works on exactly half a level, was somewhat lacking as a story. There were some funny moments like Patty calling Homer “Derwood”, referencing Bewitched, but overall it just wasn’t that funny or scary! Pick one or the other; in fact, pick both! Maybe next time, Ned Goldreyer. Maybe this is why you never wrote for the Simpsons ever again after this!

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 5 - Treehouse of Horror VIII

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The Comic Book Guy’s line “Oohh, I’ve wasted my life…” just before his doom is creator Matt Groening’s favorite line.
Matt Groening’s favorite line of all time? Jesus, this guy really doesn’t have a sense of humor, does he? He tricked us all!

Although Kang and Kodos make brief appearances in every Treehouse of Horror episode, their brief appearance in this one was nearly cut. David X. Cohen managed to persuade the producers to leave the scene in.
Welcome to Season 9 where you need to convince “the producers” to leave in two iconic Simpsons Halloween episode characters that had shown up in the previous seven Simpsons Halloween episodes. Really gives you the warm and fuzzy feeling that the series is in good hands.

The creature with two butts that comes out is reference to a Shel Silverstein poem in Where The Sidewalk Ends that explains the positives of a creature like that.
Shel Silverstein was a creep.

In The Simpsons Movie (2007), which was released nearly ten years after this special, Comic Book Guy’s opinion on his life is the opposite as he contemplates his death, that it was worthwhile reading comics, not a waste.
Oh yeah, there was a Simpsons movie! LOL!

FINAL GRADE
B


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Radioactive Man, Issue #1 – “The Origin of Radioactive Man”

Welcome to the Bongo Comics Box! Today’s feature: Radioactive Man #1! The last first issue of the OG Bongo comics series. This is the one I’ve been looking forward to, the Radioactive Man origin story!

Bongo Nostalgia Corner

It took me a bit of time to discover the Radioactive Man comics at my local comic book store. They had filed them in its own section away from the rest of Bongo Comics, almost as if they thought it was a true blue superhero series? Once I found the section, I found all the existing comics. I was quite pleased.

This is the closest I ever came to reading an actual superhero comic in the ‘90s, and I always enjoyed them immensely. Maybe I should’ve taken the hint and tried to read actual Marvel and DC stories, but live and learn. Never too late, obviously.

Radioactive Man, Issue #1 [December, 1993]
Written by: Steve Vance
“The Origin of Radioactive Man”

Radioactive Man, Issue #1

”All is peaceful in the desert… a jackrabbit sniffs the air… a sleepy Gila monster suns itself on a big rock… a couple of baby prairie dogs romp playfully… suddenly, the ground rumbles! A bright white flash obliterates every living thing for miles around! And a dazzling, glorious fireball climbs skyward! It looks like a dawning sun – the sun of a new age – the ATOMIC AGE!! Sure, a few pesky varmints have been atomized, but that’s price we must pay in order to harness the power of the atom! And with this new atomic power comes a new hero – a new defender of American liberty – a new foe of subversion and juvenile delinquency – yes, this is THE ORIGIN OF RADIOACTIVE MAN!”

Oh man. Oh boy. I just got goosebumps, dear readers! Goosebumps! Hey, I should write about Goosebumps! That would be fun! Where was I?

The city? Zenith. The place? An orphans’ charity ball. The man? Millionaire playboy Claude Kane III. The love interest? Reporter Gloria Grand. “Gosh, Gloria, you know how I feel about you!” chirps a slightly forlorn Claude Kane III, who is dancing with his beloved at the ball. “Why won’t you go out with me?”

“*yawn!* Just because you’ll never amount to anything, Claude! You’re just a frivolous socialite!”

Well, that hurts. Right in the ribs, this jab. How Kane longs to bone this blue-haired beauty! Oh well, perhaps another time when he becomes Radioactive Man! Tee hee heh heh.

Kane’s father, an esteemed physicist, has waited up for his lousy son. When is this wretched spawn going to make something of himself instead of constantly dancing the night away?? How embarrassing, goddamnit! “Aw, Pop… I’ve only been out of school for five years! Can’t a guy live a little?”

Radioactive Man, Issue #1

Maybe a chunk of shrapnel in the ol’ noggin will get that mind of yours right.

The next morning, Kane stalks Gloria Grand’s radio station to ask her yet again on a date. That’s 4,000 days in a row that he has attempted to get in her pants and she is tired of all of it. She rolls her eyes, which is something of a knee-jerk reaction to Kane’s blithering, and tells him that she’ll be busy on the scene reporting Poppa Kane’s mega-bomb test! Kane is put out again! Perhaps tomorrow.

That evening, at a swanky nightclub, Claude overhears part of a suspicious conversation… A flattop man clinks glasses with a sleazy Vincent Price-type. They overtly discuss killing Dr. Kane, collecting their money from Dr. Crab, and escaping to international waters! Holy cow! “Hmmm… that man mentioned Pop – and money! Say, that reminds me, Pop hasn’t forked over my allowance this week! Maybe I’ll drive out to the lab and pick it up.”

Sounds like a fucking plan to me. While Kiddy Kane drives and gets completely, hopelessly lost, Flattop and Vincent Price bust into Dr. Kane’s lab with guns and gangster hats! “HANDS UP, EVERYBODY!” they yell, ready to do some damage! Gloria Grand is there getting the scoop, but these ruffians intend to detonate Dr. Kane’s mega-bomb, steal his top secret test data, and pass it along to the Soviets! Nah ha ha ha haaaa! Russia’s gonna build their own mega-bomb so that Putin can sit on it and stroke his dick for a bit 65 years later.

Long story short, Claude Kane III gets stuck in the middle of nowhere and leaves his car. Thinking he has found a small town in the desert, he instead walks right into the mega-bomb test site. The Soviets have started the countdown – five minutes. The lab personnel are tied up against the wall, powerless to stop them! Oh no!

Claude discovers a lone wooden tower slightly in the outskirts of the fake test site town. Intending to climb up to see the area from the top, there is exactly one minute and twenty-five seconds until bomb time.

Radioactive Man, Issue #1

Looks like a fake to me. *smacks it around with a hammer*

Having discovered the bomb, Claude scrambles down the tower and attempts to hide behind a pile a small boulders! Surely this shall work!

He doesn’t get that far; snagged by his pants on barbed wire, he prepares to take the full brunt of the horrible atomic explosion. Boom and whatnot. “YAARRRRRGH!!” and whatnot, also.

“As smoke from the tremendous blast begins to clear, there is no sign of life… or is there?”

Claude emerges from the smoke jacked as hell with a yellow lightning bolt-shaped piece of shrapnel embedded into his head. Feeling no pain – feeling pretty good, in fact – Claude runs to his car with the intention of getting back to his father’s lab. His car, once stuck in the sand, gets dislodged easily by lifting the whole car with one hand! Claude Kane III is a strong dude! “Well, what do you know! My body… coursing with strange power! It feels like pure, clean energy! Yikes! Have I become a… a… a radioactive man?”

Pffft. Crazy talk.

Claude discovers that he can fly. Like a filthy pigeon. “Pop’s mega-bomb! Somehow it’s given me powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men and women! Wheee! This is fun!”

The newly radioactived-man flies his ass to his father’s labs to give pops the ol’ good news. Flattop and Vincent Price hear a sound outside and investigate! Claude got his ass caught in a convertible car’s top. “Vhut ze — ?! Somevun smash our getavay car!”

Time to kill a nerd.

The gangsters shoot off their guns. The bullets bounce right off Claude. He starts punching the two of them. Just hammering them in the jaw and rendering them seven kinds of unconscious. “Say… that’s a nice hat!” he says, donning it atop his shrapnelled noggin’. Then he saves everyone and it’s time for breakfast!

Radioactive Man, Issue #1

All in a day’s work, m’lady!

“Eef I ever learn ze identity of zat man in black, I vill not only kill him, I vill kill his family, his friends, his dog – all of his loved ones!” mumbles a rather surly Vincent Price. He’s just salty because he’s going to jail. Cry me a fucking river.

Later that night, Claude Kane III mulls over using these powers for good instead of, of course, *checks handbook* …evil. “I’ll need a disguise – something bold – powerful – with future merchandising potential!”

This is the part where he becomes Radioactive Man now. Champion of Justice! Breakfast of Champions! Breakfast at Tiffany’s! Did I have a stroke?

Let’s jump ahead. Obviously, Claude Kane III has become a rather well-seasoned superhero. Now he faces criminals and supervillains the likes of which no rational person would ever come across accidentally, much less on purpose. Hunchbacked doctors with sinister glasses and evil noses with death rays and ugly sneers. This one is named Dr. Crab. He mutates someday, but not today.

“Ha ha ha! Radioactive Man is helpless before ze power of my atom smasher ray!” Dr. Crab cries as Radioactive Man is enshrouded in brilliant green light with a “GULP” look on his face!

He escapes, though, and busts his way into the hideout of the Notorious Red Fez Spy Ring. There, he beats up a bunch of Shriners. “Where’s your boss, Fez Boy?” he yells, crushing the barrel of the criminal’s gun right in his hands. “Where’s Dr. Crab?!”

Ah, the atom smasher ray must come later. Right now, Radioactive Man has not yet become atom-smashed.

Radioactive Man, Issue #1

Dumbass superheroes always knocking the grunts unconscio-gurk.

After the caped crusader makes short work of these fools and scum, he muses upon his desire to get a secret hideout like all the other cool superheroes. Like a Fortress of Aloneness! Or some sort of Cave where Bats happen to hang out. He finds a model of the geodesic dome outside of a architectural firm and steals it right under their noses. lol and, of course, lmao

Claude uses this fancy whiz-bang futuristic building model to construct his own structure atop Mount Zenith, which he dubs the Containment Dome! Now he has a place to jerk it in peace!

Playing Solitaire in his cozy Containment Dome, the radio reports upon Radioactive Man’s triumph on thwarting the Red Fez gang! Now it’s onto Gloria Grand’s own news show. Today’s featured topic: juvenile delinquency! “The cause is simple, Gloria,” asserts special guest J. J. Bellwether. “The evil comic books published by William G. Maimes! His comics are filled with crime, horror, and loose behavior. They’re undermining the morals of our children.”

Egads! It’s comic books yet again! No wonder today’s youth are sticking dynamite in cat buttholes! Bellwether advises throwing out the bad comic books and filling their shelves instead with Hartley! The bug-eyed Archie-like teenager, written and published by none other than J. J. Bellwether!

Radioactive Man, Issue #1

I wouldn’t let that nerd in my house.

Radioactive Man is thinking about boning Gloria Grand, who is challenging Bellwether’s opinion based on his biased position. “That Gloria – she’s such a bleeding heart!” Radioactive Man laughs. “There’s nothing wrong with today’s teens that a good prison won’t cure!”

Donning a hat, Claude shows up in his Claude clothes to try and court the young Gloria. Yet again. A reporter named Gretchen stops Claude in the hallway to swoon and get all musty in the undercarriage, but there needs to be focus here! Gloria is the prize!

“Swell broadcast, Gloria,” Claude smiles like an empty-headed loon. “How about having dinner with me tonight?”

“Oh Claude… won’t you ever give up?”

In the mic room, a reporter presents a special bulletin. Dr. Crab is challenging Radioactive Man! He will, and I quote, “humiliate the imperialist lackey” by pulling the biggest heist the town has ever seen! Muah ha ha ha ha haaaa!!

“Jeepers!” cries Claude in his little brain.

No time for that at the moment. Gloria has a project for Claude; she holds up a photograph of strapping young teenager Rod Runtledge. His parents and his twin brother Dodd were all lost in a plane crash in a South American jungle. “Just like I lost Mom,” Claude thinks, “the famous aviatrix! She disappeared on that around-the-world trip when I was a boy!”

Radioactive Man, Issue #1

I’m falling into the same trap. My own hair is super greasy.

This young Rod’s brains have been scrambled to high heaven like so many delicious eggs! He’s becoming a… *gasp* …juvenile delinquent! And he needs a good man to take him under his wing.

A man, you say? Claude’s a man! “Sorry, Gloria, maybe some othe time. I… er… have to iron my spats.”

And then Claude fucks out of there to go be Radioactive Man again. He thinks about Dr. Crab’s challenge and figures to go to the HOUSE OF GIANT PROPS considering it will be the “biggest” heist ever! Claude’s a genius! A real brain savant! The prop distribution establishment just bought a giant solid-gold record to commemorate some douche’s gold record sales. Dr. Crab’s gonna steal that giant record.

Radioactive Man leaps to the roof of the building and peers down the windows, where he spots Dr. Crab and his cronies being quite villainous! “Hurry up!” Dr. Crab gripes. “Vith ze pipeline in place, I can begin melting ze gold vith my atom smasher ray. Zen ve pump ze into ze tanker truck and drive away.”

Sounds like a capital plan! Who’s going to stop this ruthless act of Grand Theft Record?

KRASH! Radioactive Man bolts his ass down into the warehouse. Dr. Crab revels in the fact that Radioactive Man actually showed up! Beautiful! “Zo… ve finally meet, capitalist dolt! For ze first – and last – time.” Crab aims his atom smasher ray at “our hero” and pulls the trigger. He narrowly misses! Smashed atoms must be Radioactive Man’s kryptonite (for those who don’t get the reference, bullets to his parents’ faces is Batman’s kryptonite).

Dr. Crab hits a mirror of a giant microscope, which bounces off and zaps Radioactive Man right in his dick. “Yeow!” he is heard to scream as he glows an incandescent green. He accidentally slams into the giant gold record, which starts to topple onto Crab and his cronies. “AAIIIIEEE!”

The cronies get smashed and Dr. Crab books it. Radioactive Man loses him in the city in the dead of night, but lo’! There’s another crime in progress!

Radioactive Man, Issue #1

Son, that state-of-the-art television set is worth $5,500!

Radioactive Man spots Rod Runtledge stealing electronics with his greaser buddies. Mistaking the situation as Rod trying to carry a definitely-not-stolen TV home, Radioactive Man grabs both of them and flies away to help out.

Gloria Grand lives in the same apartment building as Rod. When they crash through the window, Gloria gets to see the hunky Radioactive Man being a good male influence to the little pantspisser. “Sigh, what a man!” she says later. “Why can’t I ever be asked out by someone like Radioactive Man instead of that lunkhead Claude Kane!”

I’ll lunkhead you, lady. Radioactive Man (from now on referred to as “RM” because I’m really fucking tired of writing that out) and Rod mosey over to Rod’s place where they drop off the TV and head to Rod’s bedroom. There they discover that Rod has a collection of — *gasp* — comic books!!

“This is terrible!” RM spits as he rifles through the collection. Lurid Comics. Tales of Revolting Filth. Crime Does Pay. Gore Comics. Headlight Comics. Stab Comics. “What self-respecting comic book publisher would print such ghastly images for children to see?”

RM now has a bone to pick with the publisher. He flies back into the night. “How disturbing! These comics have clearly been a bad influence on Rod! I’ve got to put a stop to this!”

The next day, Gloria has another giant nerd in the studio to talk about the root causes of juvenile delinquency. His name is Hedrick Hertzmann and he looks like he smells terrible. He claims that comic books are part of the communist conspiracy to subvert the young generation. They will weaken childrens’ minds and make them vulnerable to the red invaders! Buy his book!!

RM, listening to radio, is all like “jeepers creepers it’s worse than i thought i didn’t know that rod runtledge is now prey to the reds”. It is then purported that the head publisher, William G. Maimes, has a Moscow connection facilitated by one Dr. Crab! THE PLOT THICKENS LIKE DELICIOUS GRAVY!

Radioactive Man, Issue #1

Zees shreemp cocktail is ze bee’s knees.

After RM discovers Dr. Crab’s hideout, he smashes through the wall and gets immediately zapped with Dr. Crab’s ray! He’s increased the power on it! HA HA HA! Eat smashed atoms, you fool-ass honky.

As RM becomes incapacitated, he topples backward where his lightning bolt hits a metal console, shorting out the atom smasher ray and breaking it apart into three pieces. Without the ray, Dr. Crab is no match for our caped crusader. Time to flee! Bye bye!

Crab KLIKs the lever of his super secret rocket and launches out of a smoke stack. “Bevare, you costumed buffoon! I shall return!”

See, if this were Superman I’d be all like “that shit is beyond mentally challenged”, but here I’m all like “that was pretty good actually”.

With Dr. Crab thwarted, RM makes his way out of the building… but first he eyeballs a giant stack of comics…

Later, at the congressional committee hearing, Maimes tries to defend himself while Hertzmann calls him a red maniac agent of the Kremlin. And, unfortunately, the committee cannot lock up this Maimes guy without proof of comradery and/or Stalin-loving.

BUT IN BURSTS RADIOACTIVE MAN WITH ALL THE EVIDENCE THE COMMITTEE NEEDS!

“I found this stack of Maimes’ comics in the secert hideout of Dr. Crab! That clearly indicates that Maimes and crab are working together!” RM smiles devilishly.

“That’s enough evidence for me!” jubilates one of the committee members.

And so the nefarious Maimes gets taken into custody for his communist leanings! The real bad guy has been removed. Let’s all pat ourselves on the backs and return to a fulfilling evening of tugging at the ol’ pud!

Here’s the final twist! Hertzmann retires to another room and removes his mask, revealing none other than… THAN… uh, hold on… you know, the guy. The guy with the thing. J.J. Bellwether! The rival comic book publisher! And he will once again dominate the comic book market! BWAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

*cough*

We end with RM finding Rod dumping a large box of comic books into the river. “I realized you were right,” the lad says. “Maimes’ comics are bad for me! I don’t want to turn into a dirty red, so I’m throwing them all away!

Radioactive Man, Issue #1

Global warming is a hoax, Rod. Don’t let any pinko commie tell you otherwise!

Final Thoughts

How’s that for the legendary, rip-roaring first issue of Radioactive Man! Boy, all that action sure has worn me out! I sure could go for a Hostess Fruit Pie, the kind only the best comic book superheroes recommend! See you next time, Radioactivophiles!


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