Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4 – “Most Wanted? (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 5 of the Most Wanted? storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4- “Most Wanted (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Gwen’s own home gets infiltrated by the Vulture; Captain Stacy’s connection to Spider-Gwen still remained unknown. Stacy almost dies of yellow fog poisoning until Ben Parker, their neighbor, helped him out of his house. Meanwhile, Gwen webs up the Vulture for the police to find and everything ends all hunky-dory.

That’s it. No cliffhanger. Nothing. Let’s move on.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [July, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4

“Coming up here was a terrible idea. Tagging a condo that’s not even built yet? What was I thinking?”

A couple of vandals, Izzy and Hobie, are looking to make, and I quote, “a fat baby graffiti angel taking a flaming devil poop.” And the spray paint is two seconds from hitting the wall before Spider-Gwen-Woman gets up in their faces and scares them to high heaven!

Hobie defends himself by spraying paint in Spider-Gwen’s face, which caught her by surprise. The duo try to run, but they break through some very flimsy boards that cause them to stumble and tumble! “Stupid #@#$&%# kids,” Spider-Gwen thinks as she grabs both of them and flings webs to safety.

“So wait—you’re not gonna arrest us?” Hobie was with a face full of consternated surprise-type scrunching. Spider-Gwen reminds these fools that she’s wanted. By the police. And not just any police. The police. And not the Sting Police. The police.

The kids still plead self-defense and what-have-you. After all, Spider-Gwen came at THEM first. Then after getting accused of working for the cops, she throws up a little in her mouth after she’s accused of sleeping with Captain Stacy. “There’s no conspiracy,” she tells them. “I don’t work for the stupid cops. I’m only here because you kids could have gotten hurt! Seriously, what were you even doing up here?”

Um, ma’am, stop asking cop questions like a fucking pig-ass cop.

After a tense couple of minutes, Spider-Gwen lets the kids go. But this is Strike Two, and you don’t want to know what happens after Strike Three.

Anyway, superheroing is hard work. After an overnight stint as Spidery-Lady, Gwen tries to sneak back home. BUT, she’s caught by an unassuming neighbor.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4

RAPE! R-A-A-A-A-AAAPE!! I HAVE MACE AND A GUN, ASSHOLE! EAT MY SHIT! ASSAULT!!

Well, well, well, looks like Unky Ben has caught Gwenny Gwen red-handed. “I was wondering when we’d see you, Honey Bear,” he says creepily. “Didn’t want to ring the bell and wake your dad, huh? Good girl.”

Ben puts his arm around the girl and leads the way into the Parker house where Captain Stacy is snoring away on the couch like a loud baby. At the kitchen table there’s a copy of today’s Daily Bugle: “FOREST HILLS FRENZY: SPIDER-WOMAN BATTLES VULTURE, POLICE”.

Gwen grumbles at the headline while Ben makes Gwen some coffee. When Ben heads upstairs to check on Aunt “Cougar” May, she reminisces about her stay at the Parker household and mourns the fate of Peter Parker, who may or may not be dead on Earth-65? I don’t even fucking know! Maybe I should’ve boned up on my Earth-65 knowledge before diving tits-first into these Spider-Gwen comics.

Aunt May comes down to check on Gwen, who is rifling through May’s scrapbooks. After a spell, Gwen apologizes and tries to shamble away, but May stops her. “Please, Gwen, I haven’t seen you in months,” she says. This version of Aunt May looks like it would kill her to blink. She ain’t got no eyelids. Gwen apologizes again, but Aunt May is like “SIT”.

“It’s Peter, isn’t it dear? That’s why you’re here?” May asks. But it’s more than. Oh so much more. It’s actually more about the Spider-Woman thing, and the being Spider-Woman thing about it. May agrees, this whole Spider-Woman thing is bananas.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4

You know the worst thing about Spider-Woman? She’s mooching off our coffee.

Gwen asks what May means by “a hard time”. And May’s forever-open eyes start glazing over. “I knew Peter was in love,” she says. “He was in love with the idea of [Spider-Woman], Gwen. With the power of it. The freedom. With the fantasy.”

They talk about Peter while an incredibly dorky picture of him hangs on the wall between them. I’m finally getting the hint that there never was a Spider-Man. There was always just Spider-Gwen in this universe.

May holds Gwen’s hand, all like “Peter loved us” and “waaahhh.” “So yes, when Peter died, when Jameson threw a microphone in our faces… I looked for someone to blame. I thought ‘why not Spider-Woman?’ She fled from the scene. From police. She wears a mask. But something was wrong. Just off.”

The old woman keeps rambling rambling rambling. Eventually, she says, she started to see Spider-Woman in a different light. Months of newspaper clippings in her scrapbook reveals a person who is trying to DO GOOD IN THIS WORLD. Whodathunkit? And, maybe deep down, she’s trying to make up for something. Like Peter Parker’s untimely shrimp boat-related death.

Anyway, these two keep getting mushy and I’m getting bored. In the end, they decide that the only way to make up for Peter’s death is to keep on living. How’s that for wisdom? Thanks, Jason Latour.

Later, Gwen stands outside a theater that advertises a show by the Mary Janes. Glory shows up to give her some much-needed shit. “Well? Are we witnessing the triumphant return of Gwen Stacy? Or do we need to add a question mark after our name on the marquee?”

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #4

Take it all out on the drums. Beat those fuckers into submission.

Gwen doesn’t answer right away. She just kind of stares and drools. Then she tells her that she wants to be back, but she’s still got that dead nerd on her mind. That dead nerd, her dad, Spider-Woman. Glory tells her to stop talking and start drumming. Smart lady.

Gwen joins in on the next Mary Janes show. Everything is back to normalcy.

We end at the police station, where cops are telling the tall tale of Frank Castle standing up alone against Spider-Woman until backup arrived. DeWolff gets pissed; asks the cops if it’s funny joking about Castle and three other cops ending up in the hospital. “Geez Louise, it’s all ‘gallows humor’ Dewolff.

Then DeWolff gives the guy a wedgie, no foolin’, and then Castle shows up all banged up with a neck brace. “Enough gawking,” he says. “Get back to work. Detective DeWolff… that means you, too.”

DeWolff glares sourly as Castle walks away. “Sir, yes sir.”

Final Thoughts

Peter Parker is dead! LMAO!

Oh, Gwen. You’re angsty and troubled. Join the club, Sister. I’m 38 years old and I’m still mad at society.


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Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Night of the Monster Men storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 2)!” In the previous installment of the Night of the Monster Men storyline, Hurricane Milton ravages Gotham City while Hurricane Hugo Strange’s Monster Men ravage Gotham City! That Hugo Strange is a wart on everyone’s ass and Batman can’t wait to get rid of him yet again.

Anyway, the monsters are very large and formidable. Expect every issue to be just monster man after monster man and oh look I’m yawning already.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5 [November, 2016]
Written by: Steve Orlando / Tim Seeley
“Night of the Monster Men (Part 2)”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5

Bruce Wayne’s little ward Duke is in the the Batcave helping Alfred win Minesweeper. Duke doesn’t want to sit on the sidelines, he wants to be where the action is! Alfred slaps the dick out of Duke’s mouth and tells him that Batman needs him here where he can actually be useful. “You’ve just begun your training,” chides Alfred. “After losing Red Robin, he won’t put you in danger.”

Duke is salty and petulant, nevertheless. Gotham Girl, who is also hanging around the Batcave, is scared of monsters and hurricanes. I say bring it on! The more, the merrier! If they team up and sink Florida underwater I’ll be one happy guy!

In Gotham’s factory district, Nightwing watches a giant woolly dragon-looking thing tear through a factory like it was tissue paper from a butt. “GCPD is completely outgunned,” he gasps while Batman growls and tells him that GUNS aren’t part of the plan anyway. Batwoman expands the evacuation zone, noting that absolutely no one should be in the city right now. Not even 95-year-old Grumpy Gus Berenger who hasn’t left his house in 48 years.

“Nightwing, I need you at the morgue,” Batman says, leaping away in a manner that accentuates his groin. “Find where these things came from. And Hugo Strange.” Batwoman stays with Batman, which means we’ll be following Nightwing to the morgue because this is the Nightwing series after all. Just try not to bone the corpses no matter how sexy they may look, ok son?

At Olsen Park, where the evacuees are standing around in the rain with their thumbs up their asses, Clayface is still disguised as 20 cops, somehow. He’s told to expand the evacuation zone. Meanwhile, Batman and Batwoman try to flash lights at the dragon to addle and bedazzle it with limited success.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5

We want him to kill us, Nightwing. Our deaths are part of my exquisite plan!

Batman tells Duke to activate the Bat-Beacon, which means every lamppost in the city now shows a hologram of Batman telling everyone to not be afraid of all the terror in the city, please. Evacuate, though. Everything’s cool. “Stay strong. Stay calm. Trust me, as you have before.”

Everyone boggles at these holograms like they’re going to turn corporeal any second and start murdering people. A few more empty words and the holograms finish their shitty, pre-recorded messages.

Detective Harvey “Sandra” Bullock is at Olsen Park griping about the whole city showing up for safety. He wonders how many more people that Bat is going to send over, and since Gotham has a population of roughly 46 billion people, we’ve just started. “There’s no way we can evacuate the whole city in one night,” Bullock gripes. Spoiler tells him “yuh-huh”, and her rampant optimism makes Bullock’s taint itchy.

We’re not at the morgue yet! Batman and Batwoman try tying a giant rope around the beast’s neck in a snare trap. It works for about 45 milliseconds before the rope snaps and the building it was anchored to collapses in a heap. Whoops! A man falls to the street, but Nightwing swings down on his own rope to catch him. Instead of being applauded, Batman is like “I TOLD YOU TO GET YOUR SKINNY ASS TO THE MORGUE!” Nightwing ignores the howling man.

“You okay?” Nightwing asks the man whom he just saved. “Why didn’t you evacuate?”

“I’ve lived here for 50 years!” replies Grumpy Gus Berenger. He ain’t leaving for nothing, you masked jagoffs.

“GET TO THE MORGUE, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.” Batman is not happy. Nightwing tells him he’s doing his own thing and he can either like it or lump it.

Batman and Batwoman book it to what Batman calls “Tech Site Otranto-7″ where he’s storing some whiz-bang motorcycles! Two, in fact! Eat shit, Nightwing, you’re not invited to Sturgis this year. Get your dick to the morgue.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5

You’re rambling again, old man. And put down that cup of sperm, that’s not for you.

Finally, while Batman and Batwoman putter around town, Nightwing leaps over to the morgue. He requests Alfred’s progress on the biosample evaluation. “The monsters were once people,” Alfred says. “The cells use organic matter as a base medium. They overtake normal human tissue and rebuild it in their own image.”

Sounds good, pops. How does this help literally anyone? Go back to your harem, sir.

Meanwhile, on the streets, people who have not evacuated yet are panicking at the sight of the dragon monster! Batman shoots a strong net out of his motorcycle with a SPLORT, which pins the monster to the side of a building. This works for reasons I can’t fathom, so let’s see what’s going on again at Olsen Park while we wait for the monster to easily escape from it.

The park is full of screaming, hollering people yelling about where their babies are or where their dogs are and who farted. Fights are starting to break out in such close quarters. “We’ve been waiting here for hours!” yells a particularly bald man. “What’s happening outside?! What about our homes?!”

It’s like, shut up for two seconds while the superheroes do superhero things. But no, the crowd is starting to turn against them. They’re crowded and cramped and they want to watch Star Trek in their comfy, comfy homes. Riot!!

Dick’s at the morgue now, which has a few guards posted. He makes short work of the guards and reports to Duke that he’s Man of the Morgue now. Duke is still raving about wanting to be out of the Batcave to help, but even Nightwing tells Duke to cork the fuck up and stick to what Batman wants him to do. I mean, seriously, Duke. If you’re going to keep whining you’re going to… well, be the best Robin ever, actually. Keep up the good work.

Nightwing approaches the autopsy theater… ooooh, spooky! Oh shit! Hey, Alfred! Alfred, do you copy?? We’ve only seen two monsters, but there are four bodies missing from their tables! Warn Batman, and if you have time, everyone else!

“And make sure Bruce listens. There are two more monsters out there and we have no idea what they are.”

Nightwing sees tracks leading underground covered in fungus and algae. He also sees Jell-O with fruit inside.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #5

Just like Aunt Lucy used to make for family reunions!

Alfred has cracked the Magic Death Registry. Robert Castro, Darcy Purnelli, Joseph Stucci, and Oleg Balinoff are the four missing corpses, which is something Alfred was able to find out for plot hole reasons. Oh man, Balinoff was the guy who tried to down that passenger jet and then he shot himself in the head! Castro slit his throat, obviously. The other two died in bombings during the “psycho-pirate debacle”, whatever that is. And Hugo Strange infiltrated Blackgate Penitentiary to get to Balinoff before he died! It’s all coming together like oil and water. For real.

Meanhile, Gotham Harbor is being attacked by the monster you can see on the Nightwing Issue #5 front cover! Some sort of bald, teeth monster with scythes for hands!

Nightwing makes his way to Blackgate Penitentiary so he can, I don’t know, look at whatever Balinoff’s monster looks like and run scared? No, not gonna happen. Nightwing instead lands on the roof of the Tech Site and waits for backup. Gotham Girl wants to help, but Duke tells her to make him a sandwich. Even Batman through the comms is like “GOTHAM GIRL, YOUR POWERS CAN KILL YOU! DON’T GET INVOLVED! AND I LIKE LETTUCE AND MAYO!”

Gotham Girl doesn’t listen. She leaves the cave and flies off to fight the good fight.

Oh, that’s it? OK, the issue’s over.

Final Thoughts

Is this supposed to be exciting? This isn’t exciting. I’ve peed in bowls of oatmeal that were more exciting than this.

Is this my punishment for starting a comic book hobby? Am I in hell


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Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Most Wanted? (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 5 of the Most Wanted? storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Most Wanted (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Spider-Gwen is still at-large and she’s hallucinating an awful new character named Spider-Ham, a wisecracking pig dressed as Spider-Man! I want to murder him in a well.

Frank Castle will stop at nothing to catch her, and Captain Stacy is worried. That Frank Castle is a ruthless piece of man, and Gwen isn’t exactly thinking straight these days.

Is that it? That’s it!

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [June, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3

“Every night, my dad rides the train home to Forest Hills.”

BOOOOORING. I’m bored! How about Captain Stacy walks a tightrope home 1,400 feet above the street? That would be much more interesting than “riding a train”. Jesus CHRIST, people.

Captain Stacy looks positively grumpy as he exits the train with all the other mouth-breathing yokels.

“Look someone in the eye and you’ll see more than who they really are–” Gwen narrates. “–you’ll learn who you are.”

Captain Stacy looks positively grumpy as he walks down his lonely, dark street. As he enters the house, he calls for Gwen, who is currently clinging to the top corner of the living room like a… well, like a spider. Like a dang ol’ spider.

“What does he think when he looks at me?” she asks herself.

“Damn it, Gwen. Why are you still in that costume?” he asks. “Are you trying to get caught?”

Gwen assures her old man that she’s a Sneaky Pete and that it’s impossible to catch her. “No one saw me. We’re safe to talk here–”

“This is our home, Gwen–” Captain Stacy scolds. “Not your secret headquarters.” In short, she’s a scrotum hair away from making a stupid mistake that will have FRANK CASTLE on her ass. Captain Stacy has done everything he could – talked to the bosses, ate a whole wedding cake – but now it’s out of his hands. She’s on her damn own.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Can’t see you, Dad! If I can’t see you, then you’re not talkin’!

Gwen asks what happens if she’s not around to save someone getting hurt. How will she live with herself? And Captain Stacy is like “YOU JUST DO, IDIOT”.

Then there’s a lot of “I know what’s best for you” and “You can’t control me, Dad” going on. “I’d give anything to stop lying, to stop hiding behind that mask. But how can I help anyone without it?” Uggghhh, Gwen’s not fucking listening. Stupid teenager.

Anyway, eventually they reach a mild understanding and hug it out. Suddenly, Gwen’s Gwenny-sense starts tingling. “Get down!” she yells.

The Vulture leaps through their fucking window, uninvited of course. He crashes straight into Captain Stacy, full force. Yellow smoke fills the room. Her spider-sense is overwhelming her. “You’re keeping secrets, Captain,” the Vulture sneers. “Dirty little secrets–” He lifts Stacy up by the shirt and asks him why Spider-Woman saved him from the Kingpin. What makes him so goddamned special? “It’s time to come clean, Captain. WHO is she to you?”

Gwen scrambles to turn herself into Spider-Gwen amidst the smoke. “You’re no match for my tiger style,” she says stupidly while flipping around some nunchucks! She makes short work of the Vulture, certainly.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3

I’m gonna go WAAA-TAH on your ass! I can WAAA-TAH all damn day! Now someone pour me a glass of waaa-tah.

The Vulture thinks this Spider-Like-Woman is a fool! The Kingpin wants her gone, see. Out of the picture, see. But she isn’t taking that seriously, at least not until she gets overwhelmed by that yellow smoke. The Vulture’s yellow smoke. Remember the Vulture? You damn well better, he likes being remembered. He likes being remembered for the genius that he most assuredly is! And Spider-Gwen facepalms as he rambles on and on about his super genius and how he’s going to tear down everything he built up just because he can. And then, w–

BANG BANG! Captain Stacy has a rag over his mouth to keep the smoke out as he shoots his gun all willy-nilly. “Get the hell away from her, you freak!” he screeches. Vulture says things like “HRRNNNNGH” and “HRRNRNRHNGN” before flying away with his “I’ll get you next time, rrrrnnnggghhh” groan.

The smoke dissipates – barely – as Gwen makes sure her dad is a-ok. But he’s not a-ok. He worries that she may have just revealed her secret identity. He coughs and hacks and wheezes while she’s like “uhhhhhh, he’s getting away, Dad.”

Captain George “Fancypants” Stacy tells his daughter that the police will step in and take of all this, but she immediately webs his shoes together and slips out of the house while he shouts and rants. The Vulture had slammed head-first into a cop car, breaking its windshield, sending its occupants into a tizzy to end all tizzies. Smoke swirls all around him, but this just makes Gwen able to find him faster. She tries to make this quick before the rest of the cops come.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Where I would put that third fist? Well, it’s none of your business until it’s all lodged in there, if you know what I mean.

Spider-Gwen and the Vulture duke it out for a few panels until she gets overwhelmed further by the gas. “Okay…” she thinks. “Maybe this wasn’t so smart.”

Can I step in for a moment and say that literally nothing is happening in this damn comic. Nothing is happening! Something happen, please!

Gwen coughs and loses Vulture in the yellow mists… until a menacing figure wearing a gas mask emerges. “CAPTAIN CASTLE? CASTLE, DO YOU READ ME? OVER,” his radio blares as he grabs Spider-Gwen by the scruff and hauls her away. “DO YOU HAVE EYES ON THE SPIDER-WOMAN? OVER.” But then she starts fighting back. More fighting, of course. Fighting fighting fighting. “DAMN IT, FRANK, DO YOU REQUIRE BACKUP?”

Spider-Gwen snaps. She absolutely fucking snaps and is completely tired of all this bullshit! She starts wailing on this guy, throwing him to the ground, yelling at him. And Castle keeps reporting back to his backup that, no, he’s got this all handled. Clearly.

No wait, I spoke to soon. He gets up and cattle-prods this teenage bitch to the ground. “No more running. No more hiding. You’re done, you freak of nature. And I want to see the look in your sick eyes as that sets–”

He pulls off Spider-Gwen’s mask and stops short, disbelieving what he sees before his very two eyeballs! A girl?? A teenage girl?? With hair all over her face?? Just a girl??

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #3

Did someone say something about a little fistin’?!

“Dad was right. I was stupid – sloppy –” Gwen says as she slumps against the ruined cop car. “Can’t just leave Toomes [Vulture] for the cops — If he’s figured it out. If he tells my secret–”

“No,” she realizes. Spider-Gwen is not a criminal. She won’t stoop. She finds the Vulture and webs him all up for the cops to come and scoop him away!

Meanwhile, Captain Stacy has, presumably, passed out in the yellow fog in his house. Someone jostles him awake. Ben Parker, his neighbor. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: Gwen Stacy is Spider-Woman at a time when Uncle Ben was still alive? How old is Peter supposed to be? What timeline is this? What’s going on? Where are my pants? Help! Help!

Ben helps Stacy up and out of the house before he gets asphyxiated on fart gas. As they mosey over to the Parker household, Gwen perches on the roof. “If there’s one thing May Parker knows – it’s how to get a man back up on his feet.”

And that’s it. That’s the end.

Final Thoughts

This series is dumb.


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Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 15 – “Phone Call”

* Part 7 of 9 of Vol. 2 – “Confluence” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 2, Chapter 15: “Phone Call”! In the previous installment, Raito spends some time trying to schmooze Not-Shouko into giving him her identification. What finally ends up working is lying about being a member of the Kira investigation team and asking her to join. “We need someone like you,” he says sociopathically before collecting her card and immediately writing suicide stuff in the Death Note.

She started walking away vaguely after that. Will she kill thyself? Or will I kill mine own self before I slog through another chapter of this shit? You decide… or.. I’ll decide, rather.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“Phone Call”

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

“Hate cell phones. The world is simpler without them.” This is what the cover says, showing L’s vacant deer-in-the-headlights face. Am I supposed to like this guy yet? I hate this guy. The world is simpler without him.

At the VICIOUS CRIMINAL SERIAL MURDERS SPECIAL INVESTIGATION FORCE room of the NATIONAL SECURITY POLICE STATION, a single man sits angrily at his desk while the phones are going off like haywire on all the other empty desks. “It’s so unfair to leave me here by myself,” he thinks, ears sticking out like a monkey, cigarette hanging down.

One at a time, he pulls the phone cord out of each and sits back down with a demeanor of well-earned satisfaction… but then his own phone rings and he just about jumps out of his seat, he does! “Good afternoon. This is the Vicious Criminal Serial Murders Special Investigation Force.”

Sweet hopping Jesus, man. Get a shorter name. Start going by the acronym. GOOD AFTERNOON, THIS IS VCSMSIF!” Rolls right off the tongue.

“U…um…” stutters the voice on the other end. “I was wondering if I might be Kira, so I called in.” Hahaha, what the fuck? Who is this guy? Does he want a lethal injection? Bread and water? Conjugal visits?

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

It depends. Mulder and Scully alien-chasing FBI? Or, like, Robert Hansenn espionage to help Russia FBI?

This guy on the phone was watching the news, thought “this bastard is better off dead”, then he died! Sounds like some of that good Kira action. But no, the detective assures the caller that he is not Kira. “Are you sure? What am I supposed to do? If you don’t arrest me, more people will die!”

Well, son, go to your local Police Station full of Fat Cops and turn your ass in. They’ll probably shoot you dead on the spot like the Idiot Fat Cops that they undoubtedly are! So don’t worry!

Agent Monkey Ears is tired of all these anxious people thinking they’re Kira. It’s like, 99.9% of people on the planet are fantasizing about strangling someone right now. Honest to god that’s a real statistic that I discovered in the cavernous, murky depths of somebody’s butthole!

The next guy who calls has some clues if Agent Monkey Ears wants to listen. Sure, he’s all ears. All monkey ears. But it sounds like a bunch of hooey. A waste of time. This guy’s alone in the office, he should just start playing with himself. Yeah… yeah, just like that… yeah… yeah, keep going…

The Fine Gents are having another get-together in L’s hotel room. This wide-eyed fentanyl-addicted mentally hyper loser has amassed a collection of security tapes relevant to the FBI deaths from Detective Dipshit #3. Every single one is accounted for: footage of Knick Staek’s, Raye Penber’s, and Nicola Nasberg’s heart attacks. That’s right, you heard me. Footage of red-blooded American everyman Knick Staek.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

I had to give a whole lotta back alley handjobs to get these. Some didn’t even want them, but I insisted.

L asks for all the Raye Penber footage. It will be extra crazy to Raito there, won’t it? Won’t it, Raito’s Dad? Mr. Raito’s Dad, sir? Your son was spending A LOT of time with this grown man before he died. It will be extra crazy to see him ten feet away from the guy while he kicked the bucket.

They all watch the footage at the subway station where Penber goes GLUG and then dies. Snuffed out like a candle in the wind. A real sad state of affairs. How embarrassing for this dead complete idiot. “There’s something very strange about this,” comments L. Let’s take a look at some really boring facts!

Penber boarded at 3:13pm and died after stepping off the train at 4:43pm. If my math is correct, that’s 100 hours.

Penber received all the information about his fellow FBI agents at 3:21pm while on the train.

HMMMM… HMMM… MHHMHMHMHM…

EUREKA! Check out this fucking, cunting shit: Penber was holding an envelope before he boarded the train! Look over here. *points to screen with penis* He’s holding onto it. He didn’t have an envelope when he died! He never left the train! Envelope! The envelope is the key! Kira must have wanted the key! I mean, the envelope. Perhaps it was full of consecutively marked $1 dollar bills, extra crisp! Kira loves his ones crispy. And h–

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

Yes…yes, I see… I see it now. His legs… they appear to be on the left… hrrmmm… and the train appears to be on the right… wow…

“It would be pretty interesting if he was looking at Kira himself,” L comments with his spiky Sonic the Hedgehog hair.

…but that would be Crazy Bones! Kira can be far away to kill! He doesn’t need to be close enough to have his dick sucked to kill a dude, right? I mean, that sounds fun of course, but–

HEY! Maybe that’s what Kira wants us to think. Maybe he wants us to think that he thinks he’s not going to want us to think that he thinks we think that he doesn’t need to be close. Aha, my friend. A wise opponent.

We’re back to dumb deductions again that are turning out to be correct for reasons that give Raito too much credit. All sorts of “he scoped out every existing security camera on every train station, hidden or otherwise”. Meanwhile, speak of the Devil Himself, Raito and his mentally-challenged invisible companion are poring over the notebook. “You’ve been up late four nights in a row writing in the Death Note,” observes Ryuuku. Raito tells him to cork it.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

Something we can all agree on!

“Hey, is it possible to set the dates for certain people’s deaths?” the kid asks the Shinigami while he goes through the phone book writing names one at a time! Heh heh. Ryuuku doesn’t answer right away, and Raito calls him useless. “Gods of death don’t do that. We mostly just write instant deaths. So technically… maybe.”

Yeah. Useless. Ryuuku, always ever so curious, asks why Raito is postdating deaths. Like he’s writing death checks! Death checks his butt can’t cash! “Basically, if I was suddenly hospitalized, the deaths keep going. It keeps people from thinking ‘the deaths stopped coming when Chief Yagami’s son was hospitalized’.”

Really? This kid is planning a hospitalization? Are we having a baby?! And I wasn’t invited to the gender reveal party?? (it was Raito’s own gender-reveal. He wore a trench coat to the event)

Even is Ryukku is like “how absolutely fucked up is that”. I can’t help but think of how huge of a hole this kid dug for himself. He can’t possibly be enjoying this. Every waking moment of his existence is all about the Death Note and covering his ass. He could be playing basketball or hanging out with friends or having sex like a normal 17-year-old, but instead he’s anticipating his own hospitalization. Something went wrong here along the way.

“Now to take care of the computer problem,” Raito says, moving onto the next asinine task. Chief Dad has no new data in his computer since January 1st, meaning something drastic has changed in the investigation. L must be behind this! That shrimpy weirdo. Also that one woman whom Raito sent to the suicide forest, she must be involved as well. Grrrr! “That woman should have killed herself on the 3rd. Today’s the 5th. I’m still safe, proving that she should have done what the Death Note said.”

THERE’S GOING TO BE A TWIST HERE. Instead of killing herself, she’ll prove to be more lively than ever! Impervious to the Death Note! Magic! A sorceress! God herself! A Shinigami? Hitler!

OK, retracing steps. Yuri, the girl Raito asked out on a date to the amusement park, is going to keep the date a secret per Raito’s request (yeah right). So everything’s good there. Penber is dead. Misora Naomi killed herself (yeah right). That covers everyone who knew he was on the bus that day. Now he needs to hide the cover of the Death Note because it says “DEATH NOTE” on it in huge fucking letters.

Also, he starts sewing up his wallet. You know. For reasons.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

One of these days, this Death God is going to slap the living shit out of this kid.

“I didn’t think you would be good at sewing,” says the Shinigami. “You must be popular with the ladies.”

“That has nothing to do with this,” Raito snaps. “I’m popular because I’m smart.”

Pffft, this kid isn’t popular. Nobody likes him and he’ll find out in Chapter 45 that all the kids have been filling his locker with poop on a daily basis.

Back at L’s Cozy Hotel Room, he instructs two agents to investigate Penber’s death, and one agent to investigate the other 11 FBI agents’ deaths! Very proportional! The detectives all respond importantly: “yeah!”, “right!”, “I’m on it!”, “you can count on me!”, “wowiw zowie!”, “jeepers creepers!”, “sock it to me!”

Watari is pounding away on his laptop writing Unabomber-style manifestos when his phone rings. He’s got a sweet-ass ringtone that goes “BI BI BI”. A man named Usada wants to talk to L. He is Misora Naomi’s father, and L recognizes the name. Former FBI agent, kicked ass at it. Anyway, she’s missing! Look into it, L, you fuckface.

L holds the phone like a snot-filled tissue. He keeps making bug-eyed faces like he’s pooping out a cactus. Usada says Naomi’s cell phone has been turned off since at least December 28th.

L asks his crack team if it’s possible to locate cell phones that are off. “Ray Penber and his fiancée came to Japan and stayed at the same hotel. A day after Raye died, Naomi disappeared…”

“She must have been devastated by Raye’s death… Maybe…” pipes in Detective Brain Genius #1.

“Suicide…” pipes in some other nerd.

Death Note, Vol. 2, Ch. 15

One of these days, this Death God is going to slap the living shit out of THIS kid, too.

L doesn’t think so. This lady is too strong of will for suicide! She looks suicide in the face and says she’ll kill it first! No no no, something is amiss here. “She’d go after Kira on her own instead,” he surmises. Hmm… maybe Kira already knows about Naomi? Maybe he got to her?

He spends another page going over old information. I’m getting tired of the L show.

“Everyone, please investigate all the people Penber was following ever since Kira began his experiments on December 19th,” he instructs, as if it’s a simple task. Like you can just twiddle your fingers in the air. None of these people have proven to be even a little competent in my eyes.

Anyway, one of them should be Kira. Shake a leg. “Penber was investigating your families. Even though Penber’s report said that families were not suspicious, in every family that Penber investigated… please install hidden cameras and electronic bugs in all of their homes.”

Ha, what the fuck. I’m imagine Chief Wiggum Yagami going in someone’s home like “I’M THE BUG EXTERMINATOR” and the whole family sees him screwing in a fucking 7-Eleven security camera that whirrs when it moves.

The detectives all yell at L; telling him that such nonsense is illegal in Japan! They don’t care if L is King Shit, it just cannot be done!

L says to do it anyway, bitches.

Yagami further furrows his already-furrowed brow. “Who was Penber investigating at the time?”

“Sub-Chief Kitamura’s family and Chief Yagami’s family. Please install cameras and electronic bugs in these two households.”

Final Thoughts

When L sees 190 hours of footage of Raito Yagami jerking off in his bedroom, he’s going to call off the investigation immediately.


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Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Night of the Monster Men storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7 – “Night of the Monster Men (Part 1)!”

Let’s get right into it! A crossover storyline that holds Batman (Vol. 3), Nightwing (Vol. 4), and Detective Comics (Vol. 1) hostage for a couple issues each!

This is apparently not to be confused with Batman and the Monster Men. That is reportedly about entirely different monster men.

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7 [November, 2016]
Written by: Steve Orlando / Tom King
“Night of the Monster Men (Part 1)”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Gotham City (naturally) at the Tolliver Memorial Morgue (sexy), a bunch of cadavers are laid out on respective tables. The sound of news radio permeates the room, reporting that HURRICANE MILTON is on its way to destroy Gotham City and everyone inside of it. People are advised to either get the fuck out or put your chairs on your roof for a really good show.

Suddenly… the cadavers start bleeding out of their heels with a FSSSS…

Like idiots, Batman, Batwoman, and Nightwing are out in the rain talking about how Tim Drake died of butt poisoning, but they still need all the help they can get to fight this hurricane. I recommend nuking it with a bomb! My Favorite President has said that once.

Batwoman reminds Batman that this is a natural disaster and saving everyone won’t be possible. Nightwing’s like “yeah”.

Batman says “fuck you, we’re saving everyone.” Nightwing scowls but doesn’t argue anymore. lol.

In a place called the Cauldron, a sweaty nude man with his sweaty nude butt showing is lifting weights. It’s Dr. Hugo Strange, and he’s fucking impossibly jacked. An assistant tells him that it’s “almost time”, and Strange smiles strangely. We cut to a shot of the cadavers hissing and leaking blood, growing these large, red pustules, deforming into something MONSTROUS and MEN-LY. Suddenly, their eyes open wide and red.

“This is Batman’s final night,” Strange says.

Elsewhere, Batman is trying to sell Jimmy Jam Gordon on using his officers to help with their cause. Gordon doesn’t want his men working with “fugitives”, which they are. That’s what they are. Fugitives. Batman argues that working together will send a message that cops and vigilantes can work in dick-sucking harmony to help make Gotham a safer place. Gordon flips off his phone.

“People need to see we’re all in this together,” Batman says. “No matter what uniform we wear.”

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Great, you’re all here! It’s crucial that we all play Monopoly right now. I get the thimble!

Batman’s merry band of misfits congregates on the rooftops. “This is the situation,” Batman briefs as if no one here has heard of weather before. “Gotham will see flooding before morning. We’re evacuating the at-risk neighborhoods to the caves at Olsen Park. Floodwaters won’t reach there. GCPD will assist.”

Bomb all the buildings and leave no survivors. Got it. That’s one way to ensure the hurricane doesn’t kill anyone!

Batman assigns everyone their trivial duties. Clayface somehow splits off and morphs into a whole team of about 10 cops, informing Batman that he can only maintain this for a few hours before it all falls apart. They all go off running.

Suddenly, a KRACK BOOM rips through the air. You may think it’s merely lightning and thunder but fuck you for your assumptions. No, no, no, here’s what it is: a gigantic, heavily-deformed, squishy-looking monster! Batman gets Alfred on the horn for further analysis. Alfred tells Batman that it’s a monster! And Alfred has never seen a monster quite like this, and he’s looked at his own dick!

Batman’s like “shit” and decides that he needs to be where the monster is. He scoops up Nightwing and Batwoman and tells the rest of the team to shove off and go to IHOP or something. “No one dies tonight,” Batman tells his crew. He says that a lot, and every single time someone important dies. Count on it.

“Batman!” cries Batwoman. “You’re running off without proper recon. Do you even know how to fight monsters?”

“Of course, Kate. I’ve been doing it my entire life.”

*trombone fart*

Batman radios Alfred for more intel on how to stop this monster. Alfred doesn’t say “drive an airplane through it”, but hey, when in Rome!

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Oh, the humanity!

Too bad it did no damage to the monster and about 100 damages to the batplane. It disintegrates into a million pieces, killing everyone aboard except its only occupant: Batman. He ejects out of his cute little capsule unharmed and extends some metal Bat-a-ma-Wings to fly around like a fucking hang glider. “Handles like a dream,” he says, swooshing around.

“You seem to be taking all this in stride, sir,” Alfred notices. Batman tells him he’s fine. More than fine. Alfred reminds him that it’s ok to be scared of monsters. And Batman? Batman says that being scared doesn’t save lives. What a martyr. Someone give him a participation trophy.

Some action sequences clog up my comic book. The monster throws Batman across the street. Then Batman flies around the beast, covering it in exhaust before ejecting from his wings and announcing “SELF-DESTRUCT” to no one in particular. A fiery explosion hits the monster in the face.

Meanwhile, a bunch of those Clayface cops are directing traffic. Probably right into the path of the Monster Man. Wouldn’t that be downright hilarious?

Citizens are filing into the caves in Olsen Park, scared about being safe and or their apartments getting flooded and destroyed. Spoiler says “don’t worry about it” and stops listening.

Batwoman looks at the now-unconscious monster and wonders who the hell could possibly cause such an entity? It must be someone really strong and bald. Anyway, with the beast subdued, Batman draws its fluid into an absolutely enormous syringe and sends it via thoughts and fairies to Alfred for analysis. Here’s the skinny: Heavily-modified cells. Supercharged, programmable stem cells. Human DNA, for sure. Let’s see. Uh. Allergic to peanuts. Oh yeah, his name is Robert Castro and he was last seen on a slab at the morgue.

Robert Castro, huh? Bob Castro? The guy who killed himself in front of Gordon?

Batman (Vol. 3), Issue #7

Dramatic, but necessary.

The security footage gets fed into Batman’s smelly cowl. Nightwing asks him who the FUCK Robert Castro is, and he’s this one guy, you know? And Hugo Strange is connected, you can be damn sure of it.

A huge rumble washes over them, but it’s not thunder. It’s probably another damn monster. People are hustling through the streets all like “help!” and “no!” while the rumble gets louder and closer.

It’s another damn monster. Robert Castro was right. The monster men are cumming!

I mean, coming.

Final Thoughts

Hooo-weeee! There’s the beginning of Night of the Monster Men for you! It’s basically going to be a rehash of Batman and the Monster Men and, frankly, I’m not here for it! Boo! Make up new stories!


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