You’re the Worst, Season 1 – Friends Being the Worst

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: You’re the Worst, Season 1 (2014) (FX)

You're the Worst, Season 1
Did you like Normal People‘s toxic romantic relationship, but desire something more combative and funny? Then look no further than You’re the Worst. I certainly didn’t look further! That’s why I watched Season 1 and now I’m writing about it. Keep up.

The Premise

Los Angeles. Jimmy (Chris Geere) is a misanthropic, miserable, and sarcastic British chap who bitterly attends his ex’s wedding. He’s a writer who published a book that no one reads. Gretchen (Aya Cash) is a brash, uninhibited and sarcastic American gal who bitterly attends her best friend’s sister’s wedding. She’s a publicist for a rap trio who treats her like shit. Jimmy and Gretchen meet at said wedding and they spend the rest of the season navigating their weird and unsettling romantic relationship.

You're the Worst, Season 1

Pictured: Jimmy Shive-Overly being the worst.

Lindsay (Kether Donohue) is Gretchen’s best friend. She’s married to some nerd that she’s not in love with and becomes increasingly more adulterous and promiscuous as the season goes on. Needless to say, things don’t work out.

Edgar (Desmin Borges) is Jimmy’s roommate. He’s an Iraq War veteran with post-traumatic stress disorder and he’s the nicest character in the show. He does the cooking and cleaning in the apartment. He wants Jimmy and Gretchen’s relationship to work. At the very end of the season, he appears to have fallen in love with Lindsay.

A slew of guest characters round out this charming, loveable, “family” “friendly” show that references threesomes and buttfucking. How do I feel about all of it? Read on! Or don’t! Click that fucking “X” in the corner, I dare you.

You're the Worst, Season 1

Pictured: Gretchen Cutler being the worst.

My Half-Baked Thoughts

I had never heard of this show before and it’s pretty fucking funny! Both Chris Geere and Aya Cash are unknown to me. In fact, the only two people I know are Janet Varney and Allan McLeod because I used to be an insufferable comedy podcast nerd. But Geere and Cash are very good and while I’m not too invested in their relationship, I’m invested in them providing the guffaws and chuckles. I’m looking forward to seeing how Edgar’s PTSD progresses, since they didn’t really address it too much at the beginning and I have a feeling that he’ll be flying off the handle soon enough (especially with a possible unrequited love for Lindsay). Lindsay’s transition to an absolute unapologetic slut was hilarious. I expect her to be fucking literally everyone but Edgar. There’s a lot of potential here, and I expect we haven’t scratched the surface of what You’re the Worst has to offer.

You're the Worst, Season 1

Pictured: Lindsay Jillian (left) being the worst.

I mean, I could be wrong. The series ended in 2019 with five seasons. For all I know it could turn to absolute shit! We’ll see.

What makes a show like this work is a balance between the obnoxious and the funny. These people are meant to be awful assholes, and they are, but the sharp writing and the personable nature, bolstered by the impeccable casting, makes them rather endearing actually! The closest I’ve come to being annoyed was early season dickhead Jimmy, but once you get to know him and his vulnerabilities he’s just a big, soft, fluffy little teddy bear. Gretchen’s self-assertive personality was a perfect foil to Jimmy’s candidacy for anger management classes (she’s the best character, by the way). While the crux of the show is how their relationship unfolds, I much prefer the comedy to the drama. There are times when things get a little sentimental and sensitive, adding depth to these characters and personalities, but I’d much rather hear Gretchen tell Lindsay that she’ll punch her in the clit. Or Gretchen describing Jimmy as a Swedish vampire. Or Jimmy stealing a cardboard cutout of Sandra Bernhard. Or the guy from Silicon Valley stealing Edgar’s Sunday Funday list. Or Jimmy and Gretchen bonding over a similar hatred of Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Et cetera ad nauseam.

You're the Worst, Season 1

You’re the Best!

I’ll probably hit Season 2 pretty soon. I can’t believe You’re the Worst flew under my radar for so long.

Worth the Watch?

Yes. Pay attention. Jesus, do you guys read anything that I write?


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Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #7 – “A Perfect Life (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 7 of the Revenge of the Green Lanterns storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #7 – “A Perfect Life (Part 1)”! The previous storyline had a whole bunch of crazy crap going on: Manhunters and dudes with giant heads and man-sharks and Black Hands and Hal Jordan coming to terms with being alive again. It’s a mess!

In short, Hector Hammond — the big-headed dude – well, you see, some German gremlins messed with his brain and now he’s freer than he had been before! Whatever that means. We may see it in this issue, we may not. I’m thinking we’ll just see Hal order a pizza and get super pissed that they forgot the mushrooms. That would certainly be more entertaining.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #7 [February, 2006]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“A Perfect Life (Part 1)”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #7

PIQUA, OHIO

“Did you see that, Dad?” A little brat is looking at the moon with his hillbilly father. The moon has a very dark spot in the center, as if there was a giant explosion there. In fact, there was. Dad heard about it on the ol’ tee-vee. “They say the Justice League’s watchtower blew up.”

While these two stare up at the nighttime moon, a giant BOOM rattles the land. A big, buff robot alien dude smolders while another big, buff robot alien dude stands grimacing and holding an orb of sorts. “He died on this planet. A primitive system he became obsessed with. I do not try to understand why. But if he deemed Earth worth conquering, then it shall be done.” The dad and the son stare in abject horror as the big, buff robot alien dude walks away, mumbling about mercy and whatnot.

COAST CITY. Or “Ghost City”, rather, because people keep moving out. Construction workers are placing giant beams on top of other beams. A beam snaps off the crane, breaking through other beams and sending a worker flying to the ground. He is saved by a green arrow, presumably shot by a Green Arrow-type person, which snags his pants and plants him against some concrete, saving his ass.

Green Arrow and Hal Jordan strike heroic poses.

“I can’t believe you’re living here, Hal,” says Green Arrow as Jordan works on fixing the construction site. Why wouldn’t he live here? Friendly no-people. Clear of smog. It’s got everything he wants!

“Weren’t you always telling me overpopulation was a problem, Ollie?” says Hal. A real cut-up, this guy. Green Arrow just doesn’t understand. “You’re back after years of being away, you finally got your freedom again – and the first two things you do are set up watch over rebuilding a city you still blame yourself for… and worse… you join the damn Air Force.”

What are you saying, Green Arrow? That Hal should take a break for a few days, sit on his ass, and catch up on episodes of The Wire. I agree! But Hal doesn’t want to do that shit.

John Stewart shows via hologram to report the goings-on at Oa. “I can’t charge my ring without elbowing a new recruit.” Plus, they have captured Despero, a big, mean, pink alien who is jacked like every other big, mean alien in this comic book. He’s in a cage, and Guy Gardner keeps poking him with a stick because “it’s fun”.

“Initiating download to central power battery,” says Hal’s ring. “Case file: Despero.”

When Hal tells Green Arrow that the rings automatically collect evidence for prosecution. Green Arrow likens that to cameras on cop cars.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #7

Are you implying that I might be jerking off while wearing the ring, good sir? Because that’s part of the agreement.

“The only ones paranoid about Big Brother watching, Ollie – are the guys doing something wrong.”

Guy Gardner catches wind of John Stewart talking to Hal Jordan via fancy-ass hologram technology. He asks John Stewart to give him shit for not being able to take on Despero by himself. “Looks like Mister Iron is still a little rusty,” he sneers. “So what’s the deal, Jordan? You goin’ soft on us since you been reborn, or did Green Arrow make you sensitive to the plight of poor illegal aliens–?”

Hal tells his ring to put Guy Gardner on the ignore list, which impresses even Green Arrow. “Wow. Useful.”

Anyway, Stewart spoke with Superman. He has no idea where J’onn is or who blew up the watchtower, so he’s not so super after all, is he? Also, Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman had a run-in with Mongul. I remember that guy! Superman fought him once while Mongul was like “MONGUL WANT BLOOD”.

“Mongul?” Jordan says with gritted teeth. “He’s in our sector? Where?”

“Superman said there was a fight. Mongul grabbed something from what was left of the trophy room… then he escaped.”

“Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman were there… and he escaped?”

Well… heh heh… uhm…

Listen, Hal. John Stewart managed to upload the coordinates that he jumped to before the teleportation system went kablooie. Jordan flies away into space, leaving Green Arrow in the dust! Fuck that treehugger!

Meanwhile, in Sector 2811, the Cygnus star system, planet Debstam IV, the home of the big, buff robot alien dudes, a big stone structure that seems to serve as the quarters of some sort of leader has an empty throne with skulls littered around it.

“He hopes to take Earth for himself,” says one mysterious individual.

“Hope is his weakness,” says another mysterious individual.

“Family has been mine,” says the first mysterious individual.

Anyway, somehow Green Arrow followed Jordan through space. He’s telling Jordan to slow the fuck down, but he will never slow the fuck down. Mongul is the reason Hal Jordan’s life fell apart, you see. He was the one who destroyed Coast City! He was the one who murdered millions of people. Green Arrow reminds him that it’s Mongul’s son they want. “Him and his sister showed up while you were gone,” Arrow says with egregiously poor grammar. Hal Jordan can’t allow this jerk to terrorize anyone else.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #7

My little shit likes that trick you do where you pretend to pull the thumb off your hand. It would make his day.

Jim Jordan (Hal’s brother, not the asshole in congress) gives Hal a ringy-dingy from a landline. He’s got some not-at-all-important stuff to say about his son’s tenth birthday and since his class has about three people in it, no one is coming to his party. “He could use his uncle–”

“I’ll do my best to be there,” Hal says, flying further into goddamn space, trillions of miles from Earth and Jim’s son. “Parties aren’t on the top of my priority list right now.”

That’s some good uncling. Even Green Arrow gives him the business about it, but Jordan promises to make up for it by taking the little kid to the finest strip club in town.

I see what’s happening here now. Hal Jordan is towing Green Arrow in some sort of beam, dragging his ass along with him on an adventure he didn’t ask for. They finally land back on Earth in Ohio on the farm that is growing these weird, giant, pointy flowers. There are dead cows on the grass with these weird, giant, pointy flowers wrapped around them like chains. Hal does a ring scan on these mysterious plants. “Black Mercy Parasitic Plant. Point of origin: Space Sector 2811. Parasite feeds off host’s bio-electric aura until organism dies. Usually attaches itself to host with main roots while needle-like vines enter the skin and fuse with nervous system.”

Ugh, sounds pretty dreadful. Poor cows. Moo.

“Please centers of brain are flooded with nano-spores creating a lifelike fantasy in perfect conjunction with host’s desires,” the ring continues to report, “leaving it unaware of any danger. Approach with caution.”

That sounds pretty sweet, actually! Get me one of those death plants when I’m old and croaking in the cheap nursing home my kids shoved me in. Then it’s all blowjobs from 11 pretty ladies and a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.

Jordan now sees some plants wrapped around people. They are standing catatonic, staring up at the sky.

“They’re pathetic,” announces the big, buff robot alien dude, who pops into the panel to punch Hal Jordan and Green Arrow across their ugly mugs. Green Arrow goes flying into a water tower, bursting it open and flooding the land. Then he drags the wretched man to the field of death plants. “It only hurts at first. But it does hurt.”

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #7

Come into my lovely embrace, my pretty! Allow me to caress you with my heroin tongue! Enjoy my lovely narcotic death plant spit!

One of the plants wraps itself around Green Arrow and starts snapping at him with its teeth that it apparently has!

Hal Jordan punches the big, buff robot alien dude out of the way and conjures up a giant flamethrower to burn down the field of parasitic plants. The dude’s armor has been burned off, and it is revealed (to me, at least) that he’s actually Mongul’s son. That makes sense. His father died at the beginning of the issue. I get it now. Go me.

Anyway, Mongul’s son leaps on Jordan screaming with half his clothes in tatters. Green Arrow sends a barrage of conjured-up special Green Lantern arrows and pierces the dude’s flesh with ease and grace. Son of Mongul rages!

“What did you do to those people?” Jordan demands. “Why are you here?”

“To finish my father’s work…” Son of Mongul says. “To conquer Earth…”

“’Conquer Earth?’ You know if I had a nickel for every time I heard an alien say that I’d be rich agai–” Green Arrow gets cut off by Jordan, who tells him to stay back.

Like a dingus, Green Arrow gets wrapped up by a death plant again. Jordan blasts it with green energy while one wraps around his own leg. He laughs as he is protected by a green shield. “What’s this supposed to do? Tickle?”

Green Arrow’s son, for some reason knowing where his dad is, rides up to the farm in a car. Mom is having contractions! Get your ass home. Green Arrow is all but thrilled to get the hell out of this weird death trap.

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #7

Not pictured: Connor mowing them down with his car going 120mph.

“You two have a great ride back,” says Jordan. “I’m going to get this guy to Oa, take a spin back to Korugar. You call me as soon as that new kid of yours shows.”

Oh, I see. He has time for Green Arrow’s little spawn, but not enough time for his 10-year-old nephew. Shithead of the Year.

Chained up, Son of Mongul gets towed by Jordan as he flies to Oa. Everyone lives happily ever after!

Or so we all think…

Because all this time, Jordan and Green Arrow have been tied up by death plants. Living out some fake happy moments..

“No one lives a perfect life,” laughs Son of Mongul. “Not even you, Hal Jordan.”

Final Thoughts

Eep! How are the Green Team going to get out of this pickle! Hmm, pickles are also green. Is there a connection?? Find out in the next thrilling issue!


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Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #1

* Part 1 of 6 of the In Pursuit of Flight storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #1!

Ms. Marvel is probably my favorite superhero other than Spider-Man and Batman. She’s so precocious and nerdy and often incompetent! And Captain Marvel is her direct influence, so let’s read about Carol Danvers and see what makes her so GODDAMNED special. This better be worth it, lady.

Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #1 [September, 2012]
Written by: Kelly Sue DeConnick

Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #1

The cover advertises Captain Marvel as “Earth’s Mightiest Hero”, which is quite a lot to live up to. I mean, I’ve seen Jeff Goldblum hold his in Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Who’s to say he’s not just as mighty?

A special commemorative issue of the Daily Bugle advertises “Ms. Marvel UNMASKED! An exclusive with Earth’s mightiest hero!” Do you think she’ll sit down with J. Jonah Jameson and lay down the hard business of fighting supercrime? Tune in!

We begin at the Museum of Natural History in New York City. I think she is still Ms. Marvel right now, but it’s unclear. All I know is that she and Captain America are fighting an entity named “Absorbing Man”, which I was going to make fun of myself until Marvel beat me to it by calling him a brand of toilet paper. He wants a “moon rock” for “moon powers”, which is something literal that I’m not making up. Marvel slams Absorbing Man against a concrete column.

On Marvel’s command, Captain America throws his shield with a HWISSSSS and it misses the target badly. Absorbing Man asks why Captain America is taking orders from some broad. Marvel says she’s a Colonel, so she technically outranks Patriot Pants. “I’ve been trying to get you demoted for years,” he mumbles.

Absorbing Man seems injured after getting slammed into cement. He shambles up the steps of the museum to get his moon rocks, presumably. Marvel and Cap try to egg him on.

“Say, Cap – what would happen in Creel were to get his hands on that shield of yours?”

“No stronger substance on the planet – or the moon! Why, I can’t imagine how powerful he’d be!”

Absorbing Creel Man chuckles softly to himself, like “got ‘em”. And when his guard is down for a split second, Captain America yells “NOW!” and Ms. Captain Colonel Marvel throws a red blanket over head.

Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #1

BE THWARTED BY THE POWER OF TARTAN.

As it turns out, this rug is an impenetrable Stark-designed fabric. It does nothing but make Creel flail around angrily and blindly, but it doesn’t do much else. I don’t know what Marvel’s endgame is here. Make his face comfortable? TO DEATH??

Then Marvel flips him over backward and makes him crash into dinosaur bones. Bing bang boom, Creel is unconscious and everyone wins except for the dinosaur bone scientists. The media is there in a jiffy, asking Cap what he thinks of his “new ally”. This makes him smile with brain ideas, which is rare considering that Cap ain’t got no brains.

Later at Avengers Tower, Cap tries to get Marvel to consider becoming his sidekick. She tells him to suck ten ugly dicks. Then he suggests changing her name to Captain Marvel so he can follow in her hero’s footsteps! *waggles eyebrows* But she doesn’t want to because the real Captain Marvel, who was a man, is dead. He was a real hero. She’s just some nobody named Carol Danvers.

And Cap tells Carol Danvers that she should be Captain Marvel! “His name wasn’t Captain Marvel. His name was Mar-Vell. And I don’t mean to be unkind here, but you took his name a long time ago.

So she considers it for a moment. Apparently, at some point, Mar-Vell wanted Ms. Marvel to have his name. His legacy. His underwear.

“So you’re saying you don’t like ‘Ms. Marvel’? You’re so old-fashioned, Cap.” And Cap reminds her that she has led the Avengers and she has saved the world, so she earned the title. Fucking take it before Cap blows a gasket.

Spider-Man swoops in looking ravishing, as usual.

Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #1

A landline? What year is this, grandpa? Do you want me to adjust your rabbit ears so you can watch your stories?

Spider-Man tells Carol that he likes her shitty, weird mullet hair. They spend some time training in the gym while they let Cap talk to Trump about hamburgers and sex crimes. Carol asks Spidey what he thinks of the name “Ms. Marvel”, and he only says he loves it because he doesn’t want her to hurt him. Then he tries to ask her out on a date, but Carol claims that she’s visiting a sick friend for dinner and doesn’t want to be late. Sounds like a flimsy excuse to me, but I’d turn down Peter Parker too. Every chance I got.

Carol flies through town, and it’s soliloquy time! “I was a lucky kid because I had two heroes – my dad and a pilot named Helen Cobb. Helen held fifteen speed records when she retired. Fifteen. I’m not prone to envy, but those records… I envy those records. I can fly. Fast. Real fast. But these ‘abilities’ come at a cost. For one thing, I’ll never be able to hold a record like Helen’s. I can’t even compete. Wouldn’t be a fair fight.”

Oh, she’s not done talking. I think she’s recounting her origin story, maybe? Caught in the blast of an alien psyche-magnetron device. The particle bombardment grafted the genetic structure of Mar-Vell onto her own DNA. That old chestnut.

Flying fast is boring now. One minute and fifty-eight seconds to the end of the atmosphere. Ho hum. “I know Helen would have given her entire world to reach out and touch the end of space.”

Then she free falls at Mach 3. The heat of the atmosphere burning her up is nothing less than thrilling. It’s like a big brain orgasm, sir.

It’s settled. She’s going to be Captain Marvel from now on! Fuck yeah! *horn fanfare*

Captain Marvel (Vol. 7), Issue #1

Uh, let’s try to keep these comics PG, ok Burke?

The next morning on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, Carol Danvers makes one hell of a cup of coffee. The kind of cup of coffee that would make Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks yell from a mountain with his dick erect. A woman named Burke comes down to join her; complains about how cold it is in the apartment. “My presence in the apartment should raise the temperature 2 – 3 degrees,” Danvers says, “for whatever that’s worth.”

“Really, I don’t remember feeling a difference at the magazine when you worked for me.”

“You worked for me.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

These two banter for a while about roommate livin’ and possible relationship issues, I don’t know the history of these two. Danvers is about to run out and buy some food for the house when Burke directs her to look at the paper. “NEW CAPTAIN MARVEL! AND HE’S A ‘SHE’!” it says on the front page, but that’s not what Burke’s pointing at. “That,” Burke says to a page with a picture of Helen Cobb. “Iconic Pilot Dies in Fire at Historic Aviation Club.” Hey, that’s not something I can make fun of! What’s going on here!

Years and years back at the Whiskey Tenor Flyers Club in Friendswood, Texas, a younger Danvers visits Cobb with her brother Steve Danvers. “Helen, I got somebody here dying to meet you,” he smiles while Carol looks intimidated.

“Quiet one,” Cobb says later to Steve. “She always this good with people?”

“Pretty much,” he responds. “Carol! C’mon, you’re embarrassing your kid brother!”

Carol becomes a little more conversational and they discuss Cobb’s trophies, the Mercury 13 program, the finer points of muff diving, and how to make a damn good cup of coffee (fill it to the brim with chocolate syrup). Cobb compliments Danvers’ good taste in heroes.

Danvers invites Cobb to fly with her, teach her a thing or two. “Got under your skin, didn’t I?” Cobb says jovially. “You are on, kitten. We will duel at sunrise!”

Now, in the present day, Carol Danvers ain’t getting taught a thing or two from no one. She’s in a fucking cemetery watching her idol get buried.

And later, she flies up to the edge of space and scatters Cobb’s ashes.

Final Thoughts

Obviously, this was meant to give us all a taste of the origin of Captain Marvel, so to speak. There will be some real story coming up soon, right?

…right?


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Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Better Than Batman (Part 4)”

* Part 4 of 4 of the Better Than Batman storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Better Than Batman (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Nightwing, Raptor, and Batgirl infiltrate a Norwegian man named Knute Ruud’s labyrinthian house in order to steal a blueprint that the Parliament of Owls wants destroyed. Thinking Nightwing is betraying Raptor by planning to steal it and keep it, Raptor surprises him by also stealing it to keep it. This upsets Batgirl, though, because conniving trickery isn’t the Batman way!

Afterward, Nightwing and Raptor visit Dr. Leviticus who is supposed to be dead and buried in Romania. This part isn’t particularly interesting to me, but we’ll see what comes of it anyway whether I like it or not.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [November, 2016]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Better Than Batman (Part 4)”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #4

So Nightwing and Raptor are talking to the old woman who was digging up Dr. Leviticus in Issue #1. The Book of Wisdom is this really cool book that has allowed her to cure death, again, and “lactose intolerance”.

She brought Leviticus back using an alloy she calls “Electrum”, which the Owls used to make the first money. There’s something about an etched coin that stores a ledger, “Now those ungrateful bourgeois bird-boys want poor Dr. Leviticus dead. Well, deader.” The old woman offers Nightwing a copy of the Book of Wisdom. Now he just needs coins. In return, the old woman seeks sanctuary from the Owls.

I don’t know what the fuck is happening.

Fast forward to some other time, I guess. Mr. Owl Mask has brought Raptor and Nightwing to Parliament Grove where the Owls have gathered to celebrate the birth of their new nation. Luckily, they have all those rescued slaves to act as blood sacrifices, no? Nightwing grimaces and scowls and looks like his tummy hurts. “The festivities begin in the morning,” says Owl Man. ”In the meantime, please eat, drink, and indulge. You’re free of the mask of moral obligations here, and affluence is the only law. Unleash the beast within you.”

Nightwing recognizes this ploy as further effort to get him to descend deeper into the dark side. Well it’s not going to – hey! Hors d’oeuvres!

Nightwing sees a particularly wretched-looking child peer outside his cage with huge fucking, sad eyeballs. That tears it! Nightwing is done playing the long game. Action happens tonight, gawddamnit!

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Nightwing and Raptor save the day again by setting a bunch of poor people free, only for them to be caught again a few minutes later.

Mr. Owl Man is the Orator, which I either already knew or didn’t know at all! He is awakened by a knock on the door of his lavish suite by two other Owls. They’re here to rat out Nightwing and Raptor. “Even with as much wine as I’ve had, I’m pretty sure I saw them let the rats out of their cage, Orator.”

Does anyone else know? No? GOOD. “Such a gaffe could hurt my standing with the Parliament, and that would be unfortunate… especially since I was so recently promoted from Orator… …to GOD.”

It’s like, whut man? The Orator suddenly turns into the wild beast that you can see on the cover and he tears down the two informants. Seems rude, but who am I to judge Owl Morals?

Meanwhile, Nightwing and Raptor are leading the captured down a maze of corridors and hallways. No headway is being made. Raptor hears someone coming, so Nightwing gives a map to the oldest-looking captive and says “SIR, PLEASE LEAD THESE PEOPLE OUT OF HERE.” Trust the superheroes; they’re always so buff and flawless in their stance and approach! Not to mention dashing.

So the old man bumbles through the maze while the Gruesome Duo prepares themselves for an inevitable brawl. Raptor prepares his spiky gauntlet. Nightwing readies his cute little sticks.

“Your innocence was to be a sacrifice to Moloch, Nightwing,” says Orator God Owl Man. “To show you could be bought. Just as anything could be bought.” He slashes Raptor out of the way with a mighty clawed hand. “But it’s still a sacrifice of innocence if you die in Moloch’s hands…” he continues as Nightwing flips around the room a bit. “Like so many children before you. Like your young Robin.” He dashes toward Nightwing. “The sound of his exploding head will be a choral hymn to the Parliament.”

Chatty chatty. Nightwing likes what he hears. In fact, he was betting on it the entire time! That cash and a family name would be all that is important to the Owls. He throws a stick into Orator God’s head, which ricochets off the wall and bounces back to the other side of Orator God’s head. He mocks the Orator for thinking a penniless circus performer could be bought. Ha ha! Buy this! *moons*

OK, that’s fine. The Orator will kill Nightwing and Raptor, bring them back from the dead, and pull the strings that way. Sound good?

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #4

HUK. GUH!

Raptor slashes across Orator’s face, and he cries out with pain. After helping Nightwing up, he tells the lad that he laced his claws with shark attractant. Since the Orator’s body has been conditioned to assimilate animal DNA (?), he is now a fish who will have trouble breathing the air. A perfect solution! Now where’s the Book of Wisdom?

They round the corner and find it right away. Literally. It’s in a gold box sitting on the lap of a grand statue surrounded by candles. “This is it,” Nightwing says, grabbing the box. “This is the nail in the Parliament’s coffin.”

DIDN’T YOU WATCH INDIANA JONES? YOU NEED TO REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHING HEAVY. WATCH OUT FOR THE BOULDER! Ugh.

Raptor is starting to lose some steam after getting injured by Orator Moloch Whatever. He’s bleeding out, which is the farthest thing from “good”. He collapses before he can get half a pint of blood out of Suyolak. Nightwing is like “Don’t die on me, man. We’re circus bros! I know this because ‘Suyolak’ is a Romani legend, and you knew tarot. Circus man! Circus man!”

Raptor admits it. “I was the man who felt no pain. T-they called me… ‘Mr. Numb’.”

Well, Mr. Numb is about to become Mr. Corpse. The two of them bond over circus things like elephants and rapey clowns, but the party is once again ruined by the big mean Orator Beast. “…I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU INTO ONE OF US, GRAY SON OF GOTHAM!” he shrieks, lookin’ 40 feet tall. “I’ll fill you with Owl’s blood, to dilute the peasant poison that fills your veins!”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #4

Fun fact: Theseus slayed both the Minotaur and Jesus!

Time for a little bit of maze runnin’. I don’t know how and why Raptor is suddenly spry, but it’s probably for plot hole reasons! After running through the labyrinth for approximately nine seconds, they find an emergency exit. Long game concluded! Woop woop!

This is the part where the mentor has been surpassed by the protege. Raptor’s goose is cooked. “I’m not like you, Nightwing. You stayed in the light.” He hands Nightwing the Box o’ Wisdom Book and tells him to skedaddle. Nightwing gibbers. Then Raptor pushes him through the door, which actually leads to the side of a rock cliff. “Your mom was right about you,” Raptor says as Nightwing falls and falls and falls.

But then he catches the Raptor drone, and he sees Old Man Captive on a boat with the rest of the rescued. Nightwing lands safely onto the boat, all like “hell yeah”. The wretched little kid with the giant eyeballs calls him a superhero. I puke a little bit in my mouth.

Later, Dick Grayson returns to Wayne Manor to give Robin a little noogie. The two of them discuss Albert peeing his pants (literally) before Batman tells the lad to run off so he can speak to Grayson alone.

The mission was a success! Books of Wisdom and the police will find out all about the Owls and also Parliament Grove has been seized, all in time for our Lunchables meal!

“I spoke to Batgirl,” Batman says gravely. “She told me about this… Raptor.”

Oh geez, dad. Butt out. Nightwing did things his way. Cut him some fucking slack.

“You let Raptor walk,” Batman scolds. “He stole millions of dollars, Dick. We have informants. We work with criminals when we need to. But when we’re done, they face justice. We need their fear, not their trust.”

Grayson tells him to fucking cork it. Batman doesn’t trust anyone anyway. Not even Grayson. He calls the Bat Guy out for not being able to walk the line between light and dark. “Because you know that if you stepped over for even a second… you’d never come back. I’m not you, Bruce. And I have you to thank for that.”

Batman just stands there dumbly. This isn’t his comic, after all. Nightwing gets the win.

EPILOGUE! Raptor faces a Cleopatra-looking woman named Lady Eve and tells her that he made a replica of the Book of Wisdom. “Every time they get a name,” he says, referring to Spyral’s original copy, “so do you.”

Excellent. Raptor smiles fiendishly. He is offered his compensation in gold. “And what about Nightwing?” Lady Eve asks. Raptor palms some of the gold. “What will you do when he discovers your deception?”

Raptor grins. “Don’t worry your pretty head. I’ve got that kid wrapped around my finger.”

Final Thoughts

Not a masterpiece, but I liked this more than I expected to. I liked it enough to want to continue with it, I suppose. Congratulations on your Dick moves, Grayson.


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Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Army of One (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 3 of the Army of One storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #6 – “Army of One (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, the Kamala golems (or “clones” as I’d rather call them) are cloning their way through Jersey City clone-ingly. They’re quickly taking over and Kamala and Bruno need to stop them before, I don’t know, the whole country is overrun by smiley, brainless Kamalas?

Things get worse when a giant clone smashes her way through Aamir and Tyesha’s engagement party. Now we have a real threat to neutralize, and Superman ain’t here to save no one! Ain’t no Superman, son! No Bat Men either, for that matter!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #6 [June, 2016]
Written by: G. Willow Wilson
“Army of One (Part 3)”

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #6

“Easy peasy!” booms the giant, smiling Kamala clone as it ravages Grove Street. The partygoers run for cover as Giant Kamala steps on cars and mows down telephone poles. She almost steps on Aamir and Tyesha with a giant sneaker until… Ms. Marvel swoops in and holds the foot in place. “Get out of here… quick,” she strains. They get out of there quick. The giant clone continues smashing down the street while Ms. Marvel hangs onto her for dear life.

Her phone rings. It’s Bruno wondering what the FRESH HELL is going on. “Oh, nothing,” responds Ms. Marvel. “Just a twenty-foot-tall Stay Puft version of me wreaking havoc on my brother’s engagement party.”

Bruno has a wry idea. Instead of taking out all these clones one by one, how about they make something really big that takes them all out at once! Like a hydrogen fucking bomb, is that what you’re thinking, you stupid kid? And what happened to the Loki idea?

Forget Loki, Bruno wants to make a giant T. Rex to eat all the clones like this: RAWWRR! Kamala asks if he is five years old. Bruno is like “fine, it’s not a good idea, whatever”. But, ha, he already went and did it. Bye!

And yes, a dinosaur the size of Jersey City’s tallest buildings is on a dang rampage. It’s even on the news!

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #6

This dinosaur is some classic Bronx shit.

The mayor is expected to make a statement in ten minutes, which is probably going to be a permutation of “Help!” Meanwhile, Ms. Marvel’s got her giant self by the hair and is flailing around uselessly. Persuasion isn’t working. Brute force isn’t working. I HAVE AN IDEA: feed her some liquid. Are we going to try that? Because that will work. I’m calling it now.

Ms. Marvel takes out a little pendant that Captain Marvel gave her before the world ended (or didn’t end, as the case may be). It’s time to admit that she needs some help! She presses the little button on the back and waits for the cavalry to show up and give her the business.

While this is going on, Mike and Bruno enjoy a little seance. Neither of them believe in this occult hooey, but it’s a last resort. It’s not a pentagram because that wouldn’t be very family friendly for a comic book, so they use a seven-sided not-quite-a-star and place a Starbucks cup of coffee on each not-quite-a-point. This is the Loki idea we’re talking about here. Bring on the Loki.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #6

If we accidentally summon Baphomet the Sabbatic Goat then I’m breaking up with you.

“How do you know he’ll even show up?” asks Mike.

“I don’t!” says Bruno. “But if I were some kind of all-powerful hipster viking, I’d know when somebody was trying to get my attention, even if the way they were doing it was sort of – uhh — unorthodox.”

Bruno prays for the Mischief God to show up to fix all his problems, and lo’ and behold! The rascal shows up with a bucket of popcorn. Bruno asks, wow, is that all they have to do to summon him? And Loki says “Are you psychologically impaired? I’m not omniscient. When I warded this building, I cast a mirroring spell that would allow me to look in on things from time to time. I’ve been watching you idiots dither around with your ridiculous summoning circle for the last forty-five minutes.”

While Loki chides these two children, Ms. Marvel continues wandering down the streets waiting for Captain Marvel. “What am I gonna do if she doesn’t show up?” she thinks. “Is this legit the end of Ms. Marvel? How can I be a superhero if I can’t even protect my own city from the threat I created?”

Just when Ms. Marvel thinks she snatched onto a glimmer of hope, she sees her giant clone scaling a building like the King of Kong himself! “Easy peasy!” it says. Ms. Marvel takes a glimpse of Loki floating on a purple cloud with Mike and Bruno in tow. There’s also the dinosaur there. It’s a right mess.

The Captain “Carol” Marvel “Danvers” shows up to save the day! Or at least get involved with the day, at the very least. Here’s what she does: she contacts A.F.S.S. (which I think stands for Avengers Fuck Sexy Singles) and calls for targeting all non-carbon-based humanoids. She stands there triumphantly as lightning sparks down from the sky and obliterates every golem in sight.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #6

Go to your room and think about what you’ve done, young lady. And after that, let’s get some ice cream.

Danvers gives Ms. Marvel a caning and sends her on her way. “Can I ask a question?” Danvers says. “Are things a little bit… challenging on the Avengers right now?”

“Is it that obvious?” Ms. Marvel responds hunched like a turtle.

After a heart-to-heart that I’ll skip over because it’s lame, Danvers tells Ms. Marvel that it’s ok to say no to things. “But I like saying yes to all the things!” she complains. Danvers tells her to get her fucking priorities in order, and Ms. Marvel decides that, yeah, maybe she should go to Aamir’s wedding. OK, fine, whatever. Fine. Uggghhhh.

Iron Man streaks through the sky now and lands asking what all the hubbub is. “I don’t know,” responds Captain Marvel. “Your teammate is so overworked that she just caused a minor catastrophe in a major metropolitan area, would you consider that a problem?”

Oh ha ha, thanks Captain Marvel. You’re a real fucking hoot. She leaves, reminds Ms. Marvel to think about what she said, and Iron Man takes over. “Spill it. Whatever it is. Otherwise, you’re going to have to explain the whole thing to Patriot Pants, and you know how he is.”

So Ms. Marvel spills it. Everything. School. Family. That’s about it, actually. “Oh, kid.” Iron Man gives her a hug. “That’s what Google Calendars are for.”

In short, no one’s going to be mad if she has to deal with school and family. That shit’s her real job. This Avengers gig is just fluff. Big, marshmallowy, cloudy fluff.

Ms. Marvel (Vol. 4), Issue #6

And I never want to see you again! Leave forever, you little gnat!

Two Saturdays later, Kamala attends Aamir and Tyesha’s wedding. It’s a festive occasion full heathen activities such as eating pork and drinking ALL the beer. And Aamir is getting cold feet. “Sis! You gotta help me!” he grabs onto Kamala’s shoulders. “I don’t think I can do this! Tyesha and I come from different worlds! We’re like aliens to her family! What if I mess it all up?”

Well, first of all, sir, you already messed everything up. Second of all, calm the fuck down. Third of all, Tyesha’s coming, so look sharp and shut up.

She’s wearing traditional Pakistani formal attire. He’s wearing traditional West African formal attire. Their worlds are colliding just fine. And it’s a happy wedding.

And home and family are the most important things in the world.

Unless both are broken of course.

The end.

Final Thoughts

GETTIN’ A LITTLE PREACHY! What if you’re from a broken home and your family are a bunch of assholes? What then, Kamala? Not even considering the assholes. smdh


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