Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “New Union”!
Another day, another throwaway Avengers series. Maybe Hulk will poop out a pickle. Let us jump right in. Happy Thanksgiving, chucklefucks.
Uncanny Avengers (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [December, 2012]
Written by: Rick Remender
“New Union”
We’re at the Jean Grey School for Higher Learning, where “Higher Learning” doesn’t mean calculus or music theory, but rather “how to not use your shitty mutant powers for Evil.”
A mysterious lobotomy is happening. Some faceless individual with a scalpel is poking around a dead/unconscious dude’s brain, talking about mutants and how they’re endangering everyone’s lives in order to ensure their own propagation. It’s sick! Sick stuff! Can you imagine Wolverine boning down? Gross! “People do not forgive tyranny. Believe me. Mankind will come for your people. Their hatred for you is too primal, too compelling, to be denied.”
Hatred protects a species from complacency! Kill them before they kill you! Survival of the fittest! Charles Darwin! Science!
Elsewhere, Wolverine stares at a giant picture of Marvel’s Bald Bastard Professor Charles Xavier. He remembers an interaction about a hundred years ago, perhaps even literally, where Xavier tells Wolverine to “be cool, your powers don’t have to ruin your life! There might be an upside to it! Now scrub the toilets in the Poop Mutant wing.”
Speech time. Wolverine walks to a lectern in front of a Xavier statue. I presume he’s dead; all the Marvel NOW! series keep talking about Xavier dying just immediately prior. This must be a eulogy of sorts, although why they have fuckin’ Wolverine doing it is beyond me. He’s just going to growl and snarl.
“Chuck Xavier dedicated his life to a dream,” Wolverine begins while the throng of students before him hear the name “Chuck Xavier” for the first time ever. Everyone listening is crying. “He wanted to live in a world where humans and mutants got along. A world where folks moved past their tribal instinct to fear and kill the different.”
Sometimes we thought about giving up! In fact, now that Xavier’s dead, I’m the boss! And I say we fucking give up! Amen.
Meanwhile, Alex Summers (Scott “Crybaby” Summers’ shitty brother), Havok, gets shipped over to “the brig” where he is welcomed by S.H.I.E.L.D. director Maria “Hotpants” Hill.
Wolverine goes on to say that he wants revenge — vengeance — against he who killed the motherfucker. He’s in “the brig” and he’s a crybaby. But ol’ Chuck wouldn’t want Wolverine to kill Cyclops, unfortunately, so we all have to continue suffering. “Revenge an’ hatred went against the man’s grain,” Wolverine says. And, trust him, that shit is hard as hell to curb, let me tell you. Hoo boy.
Scott Summers is tied to a chair, safely secured within a big red laser cube containment unit. Alex says hi like this: “Scott.”
Wolverine’s eulogy continues to be boilerplate stuff. “Chuck was great” this, and “Chuck wasn’t not great” that. But then he throws the whole school under the bus: “We failed him. Chuck died without ever seeing his dream come true. An’ there ain’t no undoin’ that,” he says, walking away from the podium, leaving everyone sad and ashamed of themselves. Perhaps even suicidal!
Alex tells Scott that they buried Xavier today. Scott stares with no emotion.
Like this:
Leave me alone, Alex! I’m tryin’ to play Virtual Boy!
Alex makes him feel bad. Scott tells his brother that he didn’t see him step up to be a leader. And Alex is like “everyone wants to suck your dick at all times, dear brother.”
“Someone had to set things right, the professor’s way of doing things…” says Scott.
“Sure,” replies Alex. “The old hippie’s ideology couldn’t get the job done. Brute force could. Where have I heard that before?”
“New mutants have begun to appear again, Alex.”
“This wasn’t about more mutants. This was about you.”
Yo, siblings. Take it elsewhere. This is a place of imprisonment and suffering, not rehabilitation and therapy! Boooo!!
Scott had created a mutant army on Magneto Island (which is like Epstein Island with fewer pedophiles), which goes against everything Xavier stood for. Scott argues that he did everything he could to fight for Xavier’s dream, dingus. Alex says that Scott forgot everything Xavier taught him. “And then you killed him,” Alex says, walking away.
Wait, isn’t this Uncanny Avengers? This ain’t an X-Men publication! Where’s that Captain America mofo? Picking his nose?
Oh, there he is! Captain America and Thor are waiting for Alex outside of the prison entrance and invite him to have a lovely cup of coffee with them. There is much to discuss! How to kill Scott Summers is a good start, but there will be other fine topics as well.
The Avengers know that this is a mutant-only funeral, but they want to pay their respects to Charles Xavier in some way. Maybe an airplane can write “GOOD LUCK IN HEAVEN, DEAD GUY” in the sky.
Anyway,Captain America is of the opinion that the Avengers didn’t do enough to help. And now how the Avengers and the X-Men move forward is in the Avenger’s court. The ball, as it were. So he asks Alex to become a member of the Avengers. Lead a squad! Join the shuffleboard tournament! Maybe if Havok helps bridge the Avengers/X-Men gap, there will be celebratory Salisbury steaks for everyone! “With Xavier gone and Cyclops locked away, someone has to stand up and represent the mutants.”
Look me right in my dumb face and tell me, straight up, that you don’t want this fuckin’ gig. There are perks! We have keychains!
Alex says that Wolverine is trying to fill that role, but he smells bad and he has a sordid past and no one will listen to him. Captain America tells Alex that people will listen to him. Meanwhile, a lobotomized smiling man stumbles across a street somewhere looking to be America’s Next Top Villain! We’ll get back to him soon, I trust.
Alex declines the offer, even after Captain America’s relentless insistence. Mr. Lobotomized Bad Guy puts on a shiny metal helmet and starts flinging cars around. He must be Magneto, maybe, and the Avengers Mansion must be very nearby because Captain America and Thor immediately arrive at the scene to dispel the terrorist.
“You hunted us!” the man says. “Herded us into camps! Hear me, humanity – the retaliation begins now!”
The villain is Avalanche, and while Thor tries to save as many people as possible from the destruction, Captain America launches in Avalanche’s direction. “You murdering coward!” he screams. Cap notices that Avalanche is very calm, very cool, and, dare I say, very collected. And he throws dirt and rocks around like nobody’s business. Like an avalanche of sorts! Someone should name him something similar.
While Cap and Thor utterly fail, the Scarlet Witch cries over the Xavier statue. The daughter of his enemy, she has always tried to make things right with him. “And in payment I became your worst nightmare. A terrified mutant with far too much power.”
She vows to defend Xavier’s dream. Ol’ Chuck’s vision. Easier said than done, since it’ll probably take 800 issues spanning 45 series to succeed. Sigh.
Rogue approaches from behind and tells the Scarlet Witch to pack up and get the hell out of here. Rogue blames her for setting all these events in motion that contributed to Xavier’s untimely death (by diarrhea-ing his pants into cardiac arrest, as it turns out). Scarlet Witch is just trying to pay her respects; she knows she’s partly responsible, but so is that other guy! Cyclops Magoo! Fuck him too, right? Right?
Now kiss me on my mutant lips, honeybun.
Scarlet Witch is starting to get restless with this bullshit. She calls it one big martyrdom routine, and Rogue punches her right in the jaw. Witchy Woman rubs her face and declines a fight. Too powerful and all that. Unpredictable, even. Nobody wants that right now.
And Rogue doesn’t care. She holds Scarlet Witch by the neck and tries to absorb her energy or whatever the fuck Rogue does, but it doesn’t work. She looks at her hand with perplexedness, which isn’t even a word! “Not working…” she thinks before a giant explosion blows them both backwards.
Five figures emerge from the blast: Blue Lady, T-1000, Goat Boy, Rock Lizard, and Lucifer’s Sister. “Your foul ‘gifts’ fail as you suffer the gaze of the Goat-Faced Girl!” bleats the one I called Goat Boy. Close enough.
Each of these nobodies takes turns showing off their bad guy powers to Rogue and Scarlet Witch, who just make annoyed faces.
And then Scarlet Witch gets impaled. Bye bye.
Shit! This always happens!
Rogue looks concerned. Maybe she shouldn’t have given her shit at the Xavier memorial, now you’ll have to feel bad about it for the rest of your life! Ha!
We end at some base where the mysterious surgery guy is performing the fucked-up brain-related procedures. A robed man tells him that the dead aren’t speaking to him right now. “Perhaps we should resume our hunt for the Cosmic Cube or the Bloodstones…”
“Why chase relics when the most powerful weapon on Earth is unguarded in clear sight?” says the Evil Surgeon. “Failure has always stemmed from looking to an outside source. They will not be able to take this weapon from my grip – I will be one with the power…”
The man holds up a big, fat brain. It drips this gross, red goo and it’s probably just garbage right now, but this guy doesn’t seem to think so. He’s a big angry skullface, by the way. I should probably know who he is, but whatever!
“With the brain of Charles Xavier, the Red Skull will eradicate the mutant menace!”
Ah, it’s the Red Skull. Sounds like a good cliffhanger, maybe!
Final Thoughts
Oh boy, it’s getting good! Right? Is this what “getting good” looks like? I’ve yet to experience any of these comics “getting good”! But I kid…
…or do I?
Nah.
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