Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #2 – “Most Wanted (Part 2)”! In the previous installment… I’m not sure exactly. I feel like I jumped into the middle of something I don’t fully understand, and I barely got her origin story which amounts to nothing but a complete, brazen Spider-Man rip-off. Here’s what I gathered:

-A flying ugly man named Adrian Toomes, aka the Vulture, is old and washed-up and I guess his weakness is bruising his fragile ego.

-Spider-Woman is bad, but she might not be bad, and people think she’s associated with the Bodega Bandit, who is definitely bad.

-MJ Watson fronts a band that Gwen quit because MJ is a complete micromanaging perfectionist.

-Captain Stacy knows that her daughter is Spider-Gwen, probably because a name like “Spider-Gwen” gives it away completely.

-A man named Frank Castle is beating people up for information about Spider-Woman and finds out the fatass Kingpin is involved.

In short, this series is already awful and I don’t expect it to get better. Time to get today’s issue over with tout suite.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #2 [May, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

In an anticlimactic turn of events, Spider-Gwen has landed on a barge full of garbage bags. She sings to herself in a daze until a Spider-Pig – yes, a Spider-Pig – yes, a pig dressed up as Spider-Man – wakes her up. “Upsy-Daisy, Lazy Swayze. The vulture’s gettin’ awayze.”

He calls himself the “Sporktacular Spider-Ham” and I’m driving a nail into my brain with a hammer right now. Google a picture of Jason Latour and you’ll find a guy way too old to think this dumb shit is funny. Gwen pulls off her hood and green drunk bubbles are floating above her head. Spider-Ham tells her “oink oink”. Just kidding! See, I can be funny, too!!! No, he tells her that seeing him doesn’t make her sadder than the Smiths (with editor’s notes that say that the office doesn’t like the Smiths). Nail in the brain.

“Puking in the Hudson River from a garbage boat…” says the “Sporktacular” “Spider” “Ham”. “That’s a powerful New York move, Gwenzelle.”

Gwen wonders how he could fucking lose to the Vulture of all birdlike entities! Spider-Ham details how it happened. You see, he dropped her on purpose. Then she webbed up a pair of impromptu wings, which slowed her fall by approximately two nanometers per gigasecond, sending her bouncing on the ground until she landed “gracefully” on the barge.

“Right. Face first into the trash,” Gwen says, slumping. “Just like my career.”

Spider-Ham tells her to chin-up. Vulture’s long gone, so go home and regroup, buckaroo. She can’t go home, though. She can barely stand to talk to her dad on the phone. Speaking of which, where did that phone go??

Her 160gb porn collection. But seriously though, you’re talking to a pig. This issue is hilarious!

The phone has been picked up by the police. Evidence. The cop reports to Captain Stacy, who is like “that’s evidence you nitwit”. He knows it’s Gwen’s phone and despises the position this puts him in, so he announces that this must be Spider-Woman’s phone and that he’ll handle it swiftly.

A Detective Jean DeWolff is like “what are you going to handle” while she rightfully snoops around. Captain Stacy goes “humina humina humina” and says that it’s just her daughter’s schoolbag that he found and that he’ll return it at once and post-haste! DeWolff buys it.

Anyway, DeWolff reminds Stacy that the Spider-Woman case isn’t his anymore anyway. Frank Castle over there *points to a mountain of a man* has a lead on the Kingpin and he’s going to try to crush his fat fingers with a corked bat. “Thinks there’s a link to Spidey,” she says.

“Doubtful,” replies Stacy. “The Kingpin’s been in prison for years, Jean. Right where we put him.”

Who’s this “we”, shithead? You did this. And you’re coming with DeWolff and Castle to interrogate this 500-pound sack of elephant turds even though he hates your guts and will take the first opportunity to crush your stupid peanut head.

Meanwhile, Gwen sleeps off her adventures on her couch with her cat in an apartment that she presumably shares with MJ and Glory, who are both like “look at you, queen. You look like you ate a homeless woman and stole her clothes”.

Like the Great Gazoo, Spider-Ham sits there on the couch next to Gwen and only she can see him. She asks why he — “Peter” — is still there with her, and Glory asks if she’s feeling all right. “We haven’t seen you in weeks,” she says. “Randy Robertson found you passed out in a bar – a bar in… God… Gwen, have you really been hanging out in… Manhattan?”

Manhattan? Mother of Jesus! How crass and crude! Gwen can’t believe she passed out in motherfucking Manhattan.

All MJ cares about is that the band can be reunited! Glory tells her to stuff it. “Right, I should totally save it –” she yells. “– for the next time she bails on the biggest night of our lives!”

MJ and Glory fight while Gwen sits next to, what wasn’t it again? Spider-Ham? Ugh. She clandestinely whispers to her couch neighbor.

A talking pig??? Absurd!!

Gwen gets up in the middle of the other ladies’ pissy fight and declares that she’ll be leaving for no other reason other than, well, she gotta. And the ladies stop dead in their argument tracks and tell her not to go! The Mary Janes need her! Drums! Hello?!

But she walks out anyway.

And, elsewhere, and by “elsewhere” I mean “fatass prison”, Frank Castle interrogates the Kingpin about his various ne’er-do-well proclivities and his connection to the dreaded spidery female crusader. “Spider-Woman? Pfft,” the Kingpin scoffs. “An attention-starved fake looking to get her photo taken? I’d never condone such nonsense.”

He wouldn’t condone skipping cake time either. The Kingpin tells Castle to fuck off because he’s in solitary confinement and can’t do nothing about anything anyway. Idiot.

“You think I care if you’re not behind it this time, Fisk?” growls Castle. “You know who is. Where to look. At least you’d better hope you do. ‘Cause if not – I see no reason why I shouldn’t just do the world a favor and close your file right here and–”

Captain Stacy shuts him up and tells him that’s enough. Enough. Over the line, pal. You can pump his butt full of saltwater enema juice, but you can’t threaten to kill him.

Matt Murdock, Fisk’s attorney, gets looped in via speakerphone. The Kingpin, you see, is a model inmate who is serving his time nicely. “Any further contact without concrete evidence linking him to the criminal underworld or Spider-Woman constitutes targeted and malicious harassment. And will be treated as an act of war.

Fisk smiles with that shit-eating smile that obese people in prison tend to smile.

Yeah, you’re special all right. Special like a fox!

Castle is like fine, you’ll get your war then. And he hangs up the phone. Murdock laughs to himself with that shit-eating cackle that blind red-headed lawyers tend to cackle.

You see, Murdock is playing superhero right now and whacking the fuck out of the Vulture with his cane. He’s being held down by Murdock’s goons, and I didn’t even know he had goons!

Murdock tells the Vulture that Spider-Woman’s life was the Kingpin’s to take, so if he robbed him of that privilege, then he’s in deep doo-doo. The Vulture mumbles and gibbers and apologizes profusely like a sniveling little weasel-face. And that’s hard to do when you have a bird-face.

And this point, I’ve decided that Spider-Woman and Spider-Gwen are one and the same, right? How can that be when Spider-Woman is Jessica Drew? I’m so goddamned confused about this.

The Vulture doesn’t think Spider-Woman’s dead. He dropped her from the sky, sure, but… *cane*

Murdock believes him, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that Spider-Woman’s alive, now does it? “You owe me proof,” he says. “Find her. Bring her to me. Show me what you’re worth.” Yeah, right. He’s not even worth a 1-cent pony ride outside of Target. And those are fun.

Meanwhile, Gwen is still talking to that fucking pig. She even asks why he’s still hanging around anyway. “Good question,” he responds. “Maybe you have permanent brain damage.”

Spider-Gwen spiders around town. She ain’t got time for Mary Jane-related drama while the Vulture lurks in their midst. “You’re doing this for the wrong reasons, Gwen,” says the pig. “None of this will change the past. So long as you’re out here alone running from the truth.”

Listen. Trouble has been chasing me my whole life. You just have to drink heavily until you die! Problem solved.

Captain Stacy is at a bar with Frank Castle thinking about how much he’s afraid of him. Standing up to the Kingpin like that? That takes cahone balls. “DeWolff said you were a family man, Frank,” says Castle conversationally. “A father?”

Stacy thinks that maybe Castle is right to stand up to these mooks. That maybe Fisk and Murdock deserve to die. “It’s been a long day. You should go home, Frank.”

Stacy wonders what will happen if Frank Castle gets to Spider-Woman before he does. “You want to go home, Captain? Go home. I’m going back to work.”

“Gwen’s going to get hurt if I don’t stop her,” Stacy thinks and he slinks home alone through the dingy alleys of Queens.” A shadow creeps over him. Stacy holds up a phone. “I take it you’re looking for this?”

“No, Dad… I’m looking for you.”

TO BE CONTINUED?!?!?!?!

Final Thoughts

It’s a little bit better, but I’m still unimpressed. This Spider-Ham nonsense needs to cease before I make BACON out of his ASS. That’s right. Don’t mess with me. I’m cuh-raaazzy.

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #1 – “Most Wanted (Part 1)”!

Admittedly, the Spider-Man glut of series and spinoffs has been my favorite to read so far in my meager 4-ish year comic book reading journey. I continue this journey by ruining this interest with Spider-Gwen! How exactly does Gwen Stacy, Peter Parker’s notable sexy distraction from Mary Jane Watson, become a Spider-Lady? Does Peter Parker anally fuck the powers into her? Ha! As if! Peter Parker won’t have sex until he’s 49 years old!

Anyway, sorry about that rude reference to butt sex for no reason. Let’s just get on with the show.

Spider-Gwen (Vol. 1), Issue #1 [April, 2015]
Written by: Jason Latour

“As a teenager, Gwen Stacy went to a demonstration on radioactivity and was bitten by a mutated spider. The bite transformed her, granting her amazing powers.”

GEE, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR, DOESN’T IT? We are treated to a “Previously…” page, which means I missed this happenstance completely. It’s completely indecipherable. I won’t even go into it. Her cop dad knows about her powers and that seems to be it so far. Who cares.

This is some of the most atrocious art I’ve ever seen. Kudos to artist Robbi Rodriguez for sucking shit out of a butt and smacking it on paper.

Anyway, a couple of goons are spraypainting on an anti-Spider-Woman billboard. The sound of the paint is “PISSSWISSSS”, and if you don’t mind, I gotta go take a pissswissss myself. An officer of the LAW climbs up the ladder to the billboard ready to punch a couple of kids to their bloody deaths. He says this: “That’s right, ya bums! Nowhere to run this time! Today I learn ya what bein’ from Yancy Street really means!” I’m shaken to my core. This guy means business.

Officer Meatsack is the least of the kids’ worries. A strange buzzard man perches himself on the billboard and hisses and rasps about Spider-Woman. He surrounds the air somehow with green smoke, which causes the kids and the cop to cough profusely.

“Why? Why do they fear the Spider-Woman?” Buzzard Man asks. “For ‘killing’ the Parker boy?” The cop hangs onto a rail by his hands making suggestive grunting noises. “No,” Buzzard Man continues. “They hate her for how small – insignificant she’s made their lives. And so they look to you *motions toward the fat cop idiot* to protect them. To save them. Feh. Who needs saving? Who needs you?”

The cop prays for his life, but Buzzardy Buzzard (who is actually called the Vulture) pops some handcuffs on his wrists and flies away with the cop hanging onto his talons.

Things are really dumb so far and I doubt that it’ll get any better!

Meanwhile, Spider-Gwen fights a Hamburglar-lookin’ nerd named Bodega Bandit. It’s barely a fight. She throws him into a dumpster. Then she sits back with her phone waiting for a call from Spider-Woman. Mary Jane Watson calls, but she doesn’t pick up the phone. Then her dad calls, but she doesn’t pick up the phone. Spider-Gwen does not take calls, son. Spider-Gwen makes calls.

The cop, Officer Grimm, is in traction at the hospital. Finally, something funny!

They said he landed butthole first onto the pointiest rock in town.

Foggy Nelson is talking to Police-Cop-Captain-I-Think George Stacy, who is like “rrrrmmm hmmrrphhrrm we can’t have cops getting killed by vultures in this town!” Whiz-bang facial recognition software that sells your face to Russia has pegged the Vulture as Adrian T. Toomes. They’re going to nab that bastard after tea time. And speaking of Toomes, Foggy says, how’s the Spider-Woman situation?

The town has painted Spider-Woman as a complete menace to 1) society, and 2) everything else. But Stacy doesn’t agree; she saved his life once. He knocked a sandwich out of his hand before he could choke on it Mama Cass-style. The mayor doesn’t care though. The mayor wants Mama Cass killed. I mean, Spider-Woman. Yeah, that’s what I meant.

(Editor’s Note: Mama Cass actually died in 1974 of a heart attack because she was fat as shit.)

“You’ve been relieved of command of the special crimes task force, Captain. You’ll stay on in an advisory capacity helping me and the D.A.’s office until this Vulture thing is over… But your replacement has already been assigned… He’s reinterrogating that goon who attacked you at Gwen’s concert as we speak. Captain Frank Castle on the case.”

And sure enough, Captain Frank Castle is pummeling the fuck out of some large, mutated-looking doofus. “What’s your connection to Spider-Woman?” Castle asks, punching the guy in the stomach. The mutated-looking doofus is named Aleksei. Castle needs to know who ordered the hit on George Stacy. Aleksei doesn’t know. He gets pummeled further until he finally answers. “…King…Pin…”

Good boy.

Girls haven’t held axes like that since Lizzy Borden!

Elsewhere, Gwen is trying to bargain with the owner of the dollar store. You see, she found his cash register overflowing with cash that was stolen from him by, allegedly, Spider-Woman and the Bodega Bandit. Those two are in cahoots, I tells ya! “Ugh. Sure. Whatever,” grumbles Gwen. “Listen. I’m starving. Is there at least a reward or something?”

No reward.

The news talks about the newest marijuana-smoking music supergroup called the Mary Janes. The band had a run-in with “known villain” Spider-Woman! Here’s Mary Jane Watson with the scoop:

“So tell me, Mary Jane…” says the correspondent. “Were you ever scared for your life?”

“Truthfully? No. I’m mean – if we’d died up there on that stage… we’d have died for rock and roll.”

So now Mary Jane has her own band? Did I mention yet how utterly stupid this comic book is? I’m not at all impressed, Jason Latour. Not impressed.

The Mary Janes have a song called “Face It, Tiger” that has seen a 500% increase in downloads since this Spider-Woman incident. And because of turmoil within the band, Gwen Stacy might be quitting it forever. You see, she plays an instrument, too! She’s on bagpipes.

Gwen walks out of the dollar store with a sourpuss face.

The Mary Janes practice with a new drummer, but he sucks serious shit. They’re playing in an abandoned warehouse or something, I can’t tell. It’s definitely not a garage. Spider-Gwen stalks outside and peers through a window while MJ has a conniption fit about her dreams being ruined. And once she thinks it’s all over, a kid named Randy Roberston (rock and roll reporter!) tells them it’s only just beginning. Things are coming up aces and spades! Just ask Gwen back into the band, right? She can drum with the best of them. Neil Peart. Stewart Copeland. Ringo *checks notes* Starr.

MJ frowns and tells Randy that Gwen quit the band of her own accord. “What’s happening now happened in spite of her.” But one of her friends, one of the other band members, scowls at MJ and INFORMS her that Gwen quit because of her! “You don’t want Gwen. You don’t want anyone. All you want is attention. Well, you can have it. I’m done. Have fun going solo…”

Well, that’s a kick in the girl testicles. Spider-Gwen watches as the girl (Glory) shuffles away. Spider-Gwen then checks her voicemail on her iPhone 2. “Gwen. This is your father…” He needs his daughter to call him back, damnit! The roast is burning and he doesn’t know how to take it out of the oven! Also, J. Jonah Jameson is connecting the Vulture to Spider-Woman and he’s furiously plopping his dick on the keyboard writing about it as we speak.

Wait, corn dogs are involved? I’m in!

Spider-Gwen sees this as a chance for redemption. Go after Adrian “The Man, The Plan, The Vulture” Toomes, hand him over to the coppers, get the trust back from society at-large. Foolproof!

“So, what pushed you over the edge, Toomes?” she thinks. “Time was running out? You just wanted to feel special? Well, we’ll see what we can do about that.”

The city is covered with graffiti that says things like “Death from a Butt” and “Your Nest is a Hot Mess!” and “The Vulture Stinks” and “And You Read Turrible Comics”. Spider-Gwen did it. It’s just another dumb thing in a dumb comic book. The intent is to lure the Vulture by hurting his fragile pride. It’ll work because this is a dumb comic book.

Spider-Gwen moseys around the streets waiting for the Vulture to strike. Suddenly, her Spidey-Sense tingles! (Gwenny-Sense?) He’s coming. “Is this meant to prey on my vanity?” the Vulture asks, swooping down from the sky. “To wound my ego? Feh.”

Well, it worked, because he showed up, didn’t he? They fight a little bit; Spider-Gwen thwips him with web spooge right in the eyeballs. Youch! He cries in rage and fumbles with the webs while Spider-Gwen rubs it in his face, so to speak. After cleaning his eyes off, the Vulture charges at her.

Spider-Gwen is all like “This guy thinks he’s King of Shit. Well, guess what buddy? You’re King of Not Shit!” He’s just an old fart who thinks he’s still relevant. Well, not today. Not anymore. Spider-Gwen thwips him on the talons, but this just serves as a rope to drag her into the air with him.

I hate it when guys named the Vulture drag me hundreds of feet into the air. Really steams me up. Really grinds those gears.

The Vulture keeps flying higher and higher, scaring the bejeesus out of Spider-Gwen.

To be continued.

Final Thoughts

Christ, this is bad. I’ve read some bad comics, but this is already among some of the worst. And I’ve read comics where Superman goes to the Blorp Dimension to fight Grxxyxyxyyxyx the Mighty.