Calvin and Hobbes – January, 1986

Welcome to January, 1986! The Superbowl XX halftime show on January 26th would be the last featuring Up With People nerds. The Challenger disaster on January 28th would claim the lives of seven astronauts and NOT Ronald Reagan. Something about Uganda happened too.

New year, new beginnings! Calvin partakes in plenty of snow-related shenanigans ahead of the spring season! We see an extended arc where Calvin tries to sabotage Susie’s note passing. Oh, the adventures will have today!

Calvin is a cunt hair away from a spanking on New Year’s Day! Let’s observe:

Calvin and Hobbes - January 1, 1986

January 1, 1986 – New Year off to a rocky start there, sonny!

If Calvin’s New Year’s resolutions involved not making Dad uncomfortable, then he already blew it! Perhaps Dad is an absolute stick-in-the-mud prude from the seventh circle of Hell itself, but if my almost-six year old asked me this question I’d be ROFLing on the floor LMAOing my ass off! I certainly wouldn’t have reacted however he did, which was, at best, stick-in-the-mud prudish.

I really wish I knew what Dad said to Calvin here. Maybe I underestimated him? Maybe he answered with “GOOD QUESTION, SON. NOW YOU MADE ME SAD BECAUSE I WOULD CERTAINLY PREFER A HAREM OVER YOUR MOTHER, WHO WEARS WAY TOO MANY CLOTHES ALL THE TIME,” followed by a frown. Always followed by a frown.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 5, 1986

January 5, 1986 – If looks could kill, Panel 5 would raze an entire civilization.

CHUNK.

My favorite part about this colorful Sunday strip is that Susie Derkins has the ability to lift Calvin up right over her head. If that doesn’t stir a six-year-old’s crush right into a full-blown infatuated obsession, I don’t know what will.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 9, 1986

January 9, 1986 – Sexually frustrated Hobbes may never get his smooch on.

And that Amazon Woman sexual frustration comes out four days later through a little trademark Hobbes horniness! A precursor to the Get Rid Of Slimy GirlS club, Calvin and Hobbes don their gay apparel (newspaper hats) and pursue endeavors of pillagin’ and rapin’ and taking over Captain Phillips’ ship!

The only thing on Hobbes mind, betraying his fake enthusiasm in Panel 1, is his desire to tongue-wrestle with members of the female camp instead of channeling his inner Somali pirate. Time and time again, Hobbes disappoints Calvin with amazing consistency!

Calvin and Hobbes - January 14, 1986

January 14, 1986 – Bang! Zoom! You’re going to the moon, Susie!

Shortly after Calvin gets CHUNKed into a snowball, he becomes bitter and resentful over Susie’s power over him. Tables are turning! He plots his fiendish revenge, which involves nothing more than reading all the notes that Susie passes during class.

You would think Susie gets the last laugh here, but you’re wrong. Obviously, with his handsome fists, Calvin pummels Susie within an inch of her life as he knocks her teeth out. One at a time. It’s such a gruesome display of maniacal mayhem that even Bill Watterson refused to actually print the strip! First of all, he used way too much red ink. Second of all, he wanted to have it blown up and hanging in his living room instead.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 17, 1986

January 17, 1986 – Mr. Spittle is gonna hit the sauce pretty hard tonight.

Meh. By the end of the week, Calvin and Susie got their asses booted to the principal’s office. They fear for the ultimate 1986 school punishment: the spanking! Surely the whole student body knows of Mr. Spittle’s legendary spanking paddle! 6Al-4V titanium for extra strength, durability, and forceful swinging. Nine holes drilled for aerodynamic efficiency and dramatically reduced air resistance. A nice, cushioned rubber foam handle for ergonomic comfort. Yes, yes. And a giant fucking four-inch spike glued to it.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 1, 1986

January 23, 1986 – Mom’s exasperated expression in Panel 3 is one of my favorites.

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull a fast one on ol’ Mom over here. Don’t you know that Calvin’s mom double majored in astronomy/particle physics and child behavior psychology, with a minor in sociology? Three dissertations, three, covering the influence of paddled spankings with respect to child development?

And now she’s a bitter stay-at-home mom while Dad schleps over every day to work as a patent attorney in his smelly butthole office. He brings home $38,000 per year while Mom spends her evenings secretly removing Hobbes from Calvin’s bed and punting him around the house for hours.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 26, 1986

January 26, 1986 – As usual, Spaceman Spiff has seen better days.

I’m on Mom’s side with this one. My oldest daughter is almost six years old and she’s a goddamned tornado. She wakes up at 6am and goes to bed at 10:30pm, and she spends every waking hour turning my couch into a pile of fluff and kindling.

Like Calvin, she has an imagination that I could have only dreamed of having when I was that age (if I was even imaginative enough to consider dreaming of having an imagination). She has seahorse parties with a slew of stuffed animals who are obviously not seahorses. That’s how off the deep end she is.

Spaceman Spiff appears to be the most incompetent space man since 30 Rock‘s Dr. Spaceman. That much is certain.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 30, 1986

January 30, 1986 – The Wrath of Moe

Moe ain’t got no eyeballs.

Moe will pop in occasionally throughout the entire Calvin and Hobbes run, displaying his complete inability to speak entirely in capital letters like every single other character in the comic strip! That’s how you know he’s dumb.

“UH OH. HERE COMES MOE. THE CLASS BULLY!” Who hasn’t said this from time to time?

OK, I’m out of things to say now.


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East of West, Issue #21 – “This Great City”

* Part 6 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #21 – “This Great City”! In the previous installment, the Union keeps sending diplomats to gain an audience with the Endless Nation, and they keep getting dismembered and sent back to the White Tower in boxes! Enough of this! So LeVay decides to send Lux.

The Endless Nation brings home a couple of Maoists, which the Chief welcomes with open arms. They are, after all, both “relocated people”! Then Lux shows up to be diplomatic, and that fails. She starts getting her ass kicked and bloodied up real good. One Maoist then insists that they stop, that she is also one of them, that she is also a “relocated people”!

More to Lux than meets the eye, it seems. Obviously. Or less!

East of West, Issue #21 [October, 2015]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“This Great City”

East of West, Issue #21

“You hear nothing because you don’t know what to listen for.“

We pick up right where we left off, kind of: Lux isn’t beat up and bloody anymore, and she’s fucking the Maoist. “You have a choice to me,” the Maoist starts his dirty talk, “Let us use you– and have a purpose… or refuse– and have none.”

*penetration*

Obviously the Prophecy, the Word, the Message, the Almanac, the Whatever, brought her to this place for a reason. Better start making the most of it.

Flashback to the diplomatic meeting that was held at the Wall. All the nations’ leaders were there. You may remember when that actually happened? It didn’t go well.

There’s another point of view here, though. I don’t remember if there was any TAP TAP TAPping going on last time, but here we see Lux and the Maoist communicating with each other in Morse code while the “adults” do their talking.

“Can we talk?” taps out The Maoist.
“No,” taps out The Lux, “they will be listening – watching.”

Xiaolian is making her case for war. Yada yada yada.

“You have orders,” taps out Maoist.
“From the new Mao?” taps out Lux.
“Yes,” taps out Maoist, “she wants conflict. Discord. War.”

Only one out of three on the names of the Horsemen, but we can study and take a retest. They’re not Conflict and Discord. Maybe they’re some cousins that no one wants to talk about. (!)

“I have a bomb,” taps out Lux.
“Is that why the old man smells like you?” taps out Maoist, referring to Peter Graves, a representative of the Union.
“Yes, I had my hand inside him earlier,” taps out Lux.

Gross. Anyway, we all know what happens next.

East of West, Issue #21

Yum! Dinner is served, everyone!

So, yes, when this happened in Issue #12, everyone thought Xiaolian made this happen after LeVay called her an “impetuous child”, and when the Representative-Go-Boom happened, Lux was the only one smiling. And she was the only one who knew that Xiaolian didn’t do it. IT WAS ALL RIGHT THERE! NINE ISSUES AGO! What the fuck, Jonathan Hickman? I don’t want any planning in my comic book plots! That’s not allowed!

In the Room of Nudity, Maoist and Lux embrace each other. “If you can protect me… I’ll do whatever you want,” she says. All sorts of nude. Some incredible nudeness. I’m not putting the image here, though! Buy the comic!

“You hear everything and it reduces you to nothing.”

Council members of the Endless Nation Board of Making-People-Do-What-We-Say have a meeting in their Situation Room, in which an entire wall shows footage of the Maoist and Lux fucking profusely. “Look at them!” snarls a leader of the council. Presumably. He’s gritting his teeth the hardest and that’s all I have to go off of at the moment.

“Look at what?” asks a councilwoman, “I see a loyalist. An amoral statist whose only ethos is the ‘greater good’. We’ve seen this before. It’s predictable. To be expected.”

Seen what, pray tell? A penis going in and out of a vagina on Earth’s largest TV screen? Because that’s what we’re all seeing here, lady! Watch! *rewinds tape* SEE??!? *rewinds tape* *rewinds tape* *rewinds tape*

East of West, Issue #21

I’m so mad… so fucking mad… my Endless Nation safety goggles are fogging up!

This guy, Bodaway, he is FLABBERGASTED that the rest of the room can’t see this for what it is. A big charade! Political theater! A minstrel show of biblical proportions!

“Speak for yourself, brother. All I see is an agent turning an asset. If the PRA are our allies, how can this be a bad thing?” pipes in Councilwoman of the Council of the Cool Council Kids.

Her name is Niteesh. WELL, Niteesh, it’s unwise to dismiss any suspicions when it comes to the House of Mao. Did you SEE what Xiaolian did to her sister and father? Well, I didn’t, but SOMEONE did!

A councilman shares Bodaway’s concerns, albeit less enraged. He slumps. “All of this feels like a mistake.”

Mr. Shaman agrees too, especially since everything is statistically unpredictable right now. Just a 500-gallon balloon filled with shit and no one knows where it’s going to land.

Niteesh stands her ground. This is the Endless Nation’s own doing. They wasted all their resources infiltrating Texas and hacking Ted Cruz III into tiny little pieces and for what exactly? Needing to rely on an alliance with the House of Mao to survive? Pish posh! What’s really different right now than it was when the alliance was agreed upon by, oh I don’t know, the entire council? Huh? Checkmate, Bitchcakes.

East of West, Issue #21

“Ack!” indeed, Cathy.

“EVERYTHING!” screams Mr. Snarls. The House of Mao could be in cahoots with the Union, you don’t know. Nobody knows! Being completely batshit paranoid is the only answer right now!

*rewinds tape*

Everyone stares at this guy. The consensus is “fuck you, we have to move forward with what we have been given, no turning back now, join or get out or die or live or whatever, who cares”.

Sounds like all this technology has clouded everyone’s minds. Everyone is deaf to the reality of the world. The hums and dins of robots and machines and food processors. What happened to our roots? OUR ROOTS! “Have you forgotten even this, Narsimha?” Bodaway bellows.

I don’t think I’ve ever named the Chief of the Endless Nation before. His name is Narsimha!

“We’ve known each other thirty years, Bodaway… Have I ever struck you as a man whose feet touch the ground?”

Why, yes, he supposes that thought has crossed his mind once or twice over the last 10,000+ days. However, as it seems, the answer is yes? Is that right?? Sir??

Next we see Narsimha traverse the desolate wastelands of Heetse’isi’ on his super-powered rocket car and into the Sea of Bones. The Sea of Bones is empty today, my friends, and Narsimha is less than pleased. “Hrmpt. Either show yourself, or I’ll summon you… I have the blood for it.”

East of West, Issue #21

Well, that’s not very nice. I thought we were buds.

No one needs summoning. Narsimha finds the creepy weirdo amongst the Bones. He says creepy weird things to him, like “come with us to the other side so you talk to any spirit you damn well wish any time you want, mortal”. He didn’t say that, but I did! There’s another creepy weirdo behind him.

Narsimha hits something on the side of his rocket car with his boot and it retracts some legs! Up on his high horse now! The creepy weirdos cannot reach him, and they are subsequently incinerated by Narsimha’s crazy…horse. Sorry.

A job well done! Narsimha relaxes with a cigarette and sleeps on his horse like Snoopy sleeps on his doghouse. While he dozes under the night sky, an entity named Nihnootheit approaches with his large muscles and his bird-like skull head to have a chat with the Chief.

Nihnootheit congratulates the Chief on making his appearance in the Sea of Bones during a full moon. Shit gets really nuts under full moons for sure. What bravery.

East of West, Issue #21

Your putrescence is ravishing. Let me guess… is that Giorgio Armani Beauty Acqua Di Gio Pour Homme??

“You…” Narsimha sniffs, “You’re wearing Cheveyo’s skin. Is my brother dead?” Hey, Chief, don’t you read any of the comics? Cheveyo got exploded in Issue #10! That was a while ago! Keep up.

Well, he’s sort of dead. Not entirely dead. He’s haunting houses and men from Texas these days. He was a smart man. Unlike you, Chiefy. You don’t even have a thimbleful of the kind of wisdom your bro had. That’s why your mom and dad liked him better! Also you’re adopted. And also your birth mother was a crack addict. And, also, so were you. Until you were 23. Anyway, bro was smart enough to remain on the earthly plane in some fashion. And quite dashingly, I might add.

So, Chief, where’s your wisdom, huh? Did you leave it at home, doofus? “Have your troubles finally put an end to you betraying your blood? Are you finally willing to pay for the things you need?”

Meh. No. The Endless Nation did everything on their own without the need for spiritual magicks and cosmic doodads!

“Huaarrk! Huaarrkk!” Nihnoocompoop chokes back what I can only assume is either laughter or a chicken bone, “Spoken like a boy who thinks every tomorrow is assured. What if I told you we looked into that tomorrow and saw your city fallen? What if I told you it could be saved with one simple tribute?”

Well hot dog, sir, you drive a hard bargain. We can see how that pans out later if none of us forget it between now and–

One day later, the Endless Nation council headed by Chief Snarly tells Lux to go home. She’s done here. Toodle-oo and whatnot. “Go home, Lux. Return there with our blessing. Go back to your Union. Go back with good news for President LeVay. A truce, hard fought for with a great many concessions.”

Lux shuffles away looking quite dejected.

East of West, Issue #21

Tell her I said “hi”. I’d love to get her recipe for snickerdoodles.

She is instructed to act loyal until the day the White Tower falls, and the Union along with it! A glorious day for the Endless Nation! Here’s your problem, Luxy: you should’ve called your little nation the Endless Union! That’s where you all done fucked up.

Lux and Maoist tap out their sad goodbyes:

“Be safe sister.”
“Will I see you again?”
“I will come for you. No matter what.”

Oh, he’ll come for her, all right. Right on the sheets.

Final Thoughts

Lux is going to stab LeVay right in the face with a rusty tent peg. She’s going to trick her into going camping, then STAB.

Taking advantage of LeVay’s love of camping. Is nothing sacred?


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Sucky Funnies for September 18, 2022

I took a couple weekends off from this because a) September 4 – I was throwing up, and b) September 11 – I was crying about some troops.

But I’m back with SEETHING HOT VENGENCE! Let’s start by taking down Public Enemy #1: She Who Must Not Be Named.

Cathy.

Cathy

Cathy - September 18, 202

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Fuck this lady! Making me read all these words? Why I outta…

FALL FASHION 2000. Today’s Cathy is a regular blast from the past. The way past. Like, 260 months ago. “A celebration of womanhood and the body part of the millennium” is a horrible panel to subject us all to, but I’m extremely happy that the next seven panels aren’t a discussion of Cathy’s morose vagina. Instead, it’s a commentary (?) on celebrity women who are having kids and not afraid to show it!

And this scares the nose right off of Cathy’s face! HUGE CLOTHES INTENDED FOR PREGNANT WOMEN? One big fat joke. That’s pretty misogynistic of you, Cathy Guisewite. I hope you continue to rot in your plus-size casket.

Rex Morgan, M.D.

Rex Morgan, M.D. - September 18, 202

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This is the longest instance of pure, uncontaminated “Who-Gives-a-Fuck” I’ve ever seen in the comics page. What IS all this? Is there anybody, anybody at all, who cares that this old bag died? I don’t want to hear about Hank Harwood and his old fuck buddy. While I do think it’s hilarious that the Harwoods went to the funeral in the same clothes that they wore to the diner the first time AND the second time, I don’t understand why anything here is in my goddamned newspaper. I’m so angry I could throw a brick at my own face right now.

I hope Jr.’s plane crashes right into Sr.’s crotch. I don’t see Rex OR Morgan in this comic strip. I hate America.

Family Circus

Zits - September 18, 2022

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Just call in sick, Walt. I shave my face with a rusty Swiss army knife corkscrew every single day and I’ve never had three Band-Aids on the right side of my face. Maybe your own dad never taught you how to shave properly, and now you’re going to blame your shortcomings and childhood abuse on your smelly teenage son? Great parenting. No wonder he’s going to be on the pole in a couple of years.

Next time, take a real chainsaw to your neck. Your family will laugh and LAUGH!

Mallard Fillmore

Mallard Fillmore, September 18, 2022

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I have nothing to say about this that’s funnier than this description of Mallard Fillmore I found:

“Mallard Fillmore lampoons everything from political correctness to Phil, Oprah, and Geraldo to our government’s insatiable appetite for spending our money.”

Oh no, not Phil! Is nothing sacred?!

I haven’t been keeping up with the Trump news. For all I know, he stuck his head in the oven three days ago to try to lick dried gravy off the grate. Let’s we what the greatest political minds on the Internet have to say right now about the current political climate in America.

SATX2CCFL: “The liberal donor-class was shaken to its core this week when they saw their first non-white, non-Obama person walking the streets of Martha’s Vineyard not carrying a can of Pledge and a dust rag or a leaf blower. Yes, they mostly spotted them through the cameras on their security gates, but they called the police almost as fast as they called their friends at MSBNC.”

The guy with a username ripped right off of a license plate has something to say about… something? I guess. Is this about Ron DeSantis and his decision to send illegal immigrants to scare the rich white people. And, if I’m not mistaken, this is exactly what would scare rich white people of ALL political positions! Pot calling the kettle a pot! Feel free to use that one, because it doesn’t even make sense in this context either. I know this now.

pianoguy24: “NYC fires another 850 teachers and aides for not having the Vax by Sept 5th. Bringing the total to 1,950 fired so far by the Department of Education.
This isn’t about helping prevent a disease anymore, which the Vax doesn’t do. They’re being fired because they won’t obey stupid rules.”

Are we absolutely still talking about this in 2022? Maybe we should leave the medicine to the medical doctors and not to the piano guys of the Internet!

On Comics Kingdom, pianoguy24 has an avatar of a Star Trek insignia. Are none of these conservatives aware that Star Trek’s premise is entirely about daily life in a communist utopia? How are they missing that one?

William Osborne: “A few years ago, while watching our oldest daughter sit there at the dining room table staring at her phone, I went into the next room and texted her “Hi…are you going to join us for dinner?” No repeat of that day.”

READ THE ROOM, WILLIAM. DO YOU SEE ANYONE ELSE HERE DISCUSSING THE ACTUAL COMIC STRIP? THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE YOU POST BRIETBART NEWS ARTICLES THAT SHOW DOCTORED PHOTOS OF BIDEN LAUNCHING MOON-DESTROYING NANOBOTS INTO THE IONOSPHERE WITH HIS THREE-INCH ERECT PENIS.

I’m tired of reading what people have to say. It’s a good thing I’m not people.


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Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95 – “Krypton Lives”

* Part 2 of 9 of the Superman: No Limits collection *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95 – “Krypton Lives!” In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, Lois and Clark are married. Lex Luthor sold the Daily Planet back and now everything is back to normal! It’s revealed that Lois convinced Lex to sell the newspaper back in exchange for ONE story, at any time of Lex’s choosing, to be completely disregarded! If Lex says don’t write about this story, then Lois Lane will not write about this story.

Also some douche named Mongul, or at least the son of the guy named Mongul (and he’s also named Mongul) needs Superman’s help with something. It’s unclear.

None of this matters! This is a completely different series today anyway! There’s no way any of this is going to get addressed! Onward.

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95 [December, 1999]
Written by: Mark Schultz
“Krypton Lives”

Superman: Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95

“Strange visitor from another planet”! Oh no! Are you telling me that Superman has been on Earth for decades, with literally thousands of issues of comic books addressing this situation, and it’s still not a resolved problem??

The scene: Antarctica. Or rather, “somewhere in the Antarctic”, because it doesn’t matter where. It’s a big, useless pile of cold land. A Lexcorp team is doing their shifty business on the continent, whatever that may be, probably digging around looking for Lex Luthor’s virginity. Oh wait, never mind, it’s never been lost!

“Let’s go, L-Team! Go! Go! Go! Everyone back to the VTOL! MOVE IT! Ion levels are fluctuating like crazy!” bellows the L-Team leader. I wonder what the “L” stands for. I have a pretty good guess.

The suited team runs back to their aircraft. The leader radios back to their base to tell them that their mission is complete, luckily, because “they’re about to get clobbered by one weird mother energy storm”. Hey, that’s my new band name: One Weird Mother.

Leader hangs back, staring at a hovering entity in the air. “I don’t get it,” the leader says to one of his men, “the entire time it just floats there…watching…something…something, but not us.”

It’s an icy, white-faced Superman. A menacing Superman. Whatever, they got what they came for, let’s go before this guy decides to hurt us at the last minute and AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

The ground splits open, revealing fiery chasms to Hell! The two lagging members of the Loser-Team book it to their aircraft as the ground shakes, rumbles, rattles, and rolls!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95

Oh, I’m sorry, is there a problem, officer?

This Superman-y robot Terminator turns on his eyeball blinkers and stares puzzled into the opening earth. Just a bunch of “ZZZZ?” and “???” and “?” as he gazes like a dumb deer into the Hellmouth. Eventually, something large and fast emerges from the rift! Mighty claws, giant, massive demon claws, oh man these claws! There’s, like, five of these claws! They grab the Superman robot and work toward pulling him down, down, down into the molten abyss! Superman Robot all like “?!”

Is this robot going to be the titular “man of steel”? A neverending cavalcade of wacky hijinks starring an android that keeps going “??!?”?

“Hey Clark, pass me the stapler.”
“?”
“Yo, Superman, my cat’s stuck in a tree!”
“???!?”
“Superman! Help! Metropolis is being razed to the ground by Elon Musk and his SpaceX Giant Centipedes!”
“??!!!?”

Speaking of Metropolis, Jimmy “Goldenballs” Olsen got invited to Lois and Clark’s pad in the heart of the city! I guess we’re not following the robot around afterall. “It’s great to be able to compare notes, what with the Daily Planet being back and us getting rehired and all,” Jimmy says! Hey, nice exposition dialogue! There’s that kernel of continuity I’m happy to lap up like a dog!

I guess it’s been literal years since any of them worked. Jimmy is thrilled to be holding a camera again. He simply cannot believe the technological advancements within the last few years alone! The late ‘90s are something else! Why, his 20-pound digital camera can hold up to 14 kB of memory! Far out, man! Mambo #5!

That, plus the internet! Cool stuff there too, man. With international news and all those language barriers, the VISUAL IMAGE is king! You got that right, Jimmy! *ruffles his hair and gives him a noogie*

Lois, Clark, and Jimmy’s genial chat about work is interrupted by the “VREEP VREEP VREEP” of a strange alarm. Jimmy gets up and starts poking around the living room like he owns the place. “GUYS…! It–it’s the head of Superman’s drone robot,” he says, pulling out a large gold visor apparatus from on top of the fireplace mantel and behind the books. Busted!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95

Uhhhh… that’s not a robot head, that’s…uh, one of our SEX TOYS! Heh heh! Right, honey?… now be a good lad and give it back.

Jimmy is freaking the fuck out! Clark stays cool and gives him a charming smile. It’s just a Superman radio/alarm clock! A collectible! Pretty stupid stuff, he got it for Lois as a jokey joke! You know how she is, right Jimmy? LEGS OPEN AND READY FOR SUPERMAN AT ALL TIMES! Ha ha ha! Right, Lois? *gulp*

Clark asks the “radio” to “please isolate microwave bandwidth .001479 short, and broadcast”, and it’s tuned to a traffic report. Jimmy is satisfied, especially the verbal command response! Very futuristic. Kinda like Siri or Alexa!

Ha ha…yeah… Lois starts pushing the kid out the door. “Afraid we’re going to have to ask you to hit the road,” she says curtly. An appointment, you see! That’s…that’s why the alarm went off! On the robot head! Clock, I mean “clock”. It’s a clock! Right, see: 1:58pm hurf durf! Ok, by Jimmy. *slam*

Once the ginger kid is shoved out, Lois chides her dear husband about leaving Kryptonian artifacts all over the dang house! “But I need Kelex to help me keep tabs on the ruins of the fortress…” he says, like Lois just told him to throw out a few old video game controllers from his man cave. He asks his robot head why the alarm went off; the device tells him in some very robotic green text that the Super Robot stationed at Superman’s fortress reports a flare-up! That seems like a mild way of saying “a fucking portal to Hell opened on Earth”.

Also, there were some humans there. This unsettles Clark. “Current danger? Effects of intrusion?” Negative on the danger, boss! However, there is something adjacent to danger! The humans took something from the premises. Something unknown. You’re gonna have to go and see for yourself because the sentry robot didn’t do a very good job sentrying, apparently.

That’s just what Clark plans to do. Lois wants to fly with him to Antarctica, but he doesn’t wanna do that. First of all, it’s Antarctica. Second of all, no.

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95

Plus, all this malarkey about “women owning property” has me a bit discombobulated!

“Come on– I know next to nothing about your Kryptonian heritage. This is your chance to teach me a thing or two,” Lois whines.

Third of all, no.

“Besides, I’m your wife,” she smiles, “and by law that makes the fortress 50 percent mine.”

Fine. Die in Antarctica if you want to, who gives a shit.

So, clad in a winter coat and sunglasses, Superman flies her bony butt to the inhuman frigidity of the South Pole. There’s an aurora in the distance, quite borealis-like if you will, surrounding the location of the fortress. “It’s weird–” Superman proclaims, “it’s the visual fallout of the trace singularity that is the lingering essence of the fortress.”

Yeah, ok nerd. Can you please just give Lois the WiFi password once you get there?

Superman is perplexed. Where’s that robot at?! He was supposed to keep an eye on things! “When you came for me,” Superman begins referencing something I have no fucking frame of reference for, “when you came to wrest me from Dominus’ manipulations, you called the fortress a shrine to a dead planet.”

Whoops! Yeah, that was a little mean, wasn’t it? “I was angry,” she says, defending her loathsome actions and words, “desperate to shock you out of your complacency…”

But Superman is starting to agree with that sentiment. Has he really tried to maintain Krypton’s legacy? I mean, has he really tried to keep the memory of Krypton alive?

Yuck, Superman’s in one of his self-hatred moods again. HEY, there’s the robot down there in that chasm! Whew, good. Lois didn’t want to have to listen to that man mope and cry again, like he did last night during their sexual escapades! *wink*

“Hey, Super Robot! What are you doing down there?” Superman asks jovially, as if the robot is his impish little son.
“I stand by to observe further phenomena as per your directive, Kal-El,” responds the android in cute, red blocky text.
“‘Super Robot’ just doesn’t cut it,” proclaims Lois, butting the fuck into the conversation, “How about ‘Ned’?”

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95

Yes, yes, we all had that one Uncle Ned who touched us just a little bit too inappropriately.

Well, we’re getting nowhere fast here, aren’t we? Superman ignores his wife and presses his robotic counterpart for more information. “Manifestations last appeared from this fissure,” explains Ned. Ned the Robot. “Biological entities of unknown origin, preceded by an increased flux in trace singularity activity and geophysical disturbances.”

Sounds fun! A real laugh riot! This robot is a funny guy! Lots of personality! At least 95% of the personality that Clark has, if I did my math correctly.

So what do you mean, then, Robot Buddy? Strange underground creatures that scurried away when those pesky humans were here stealing the whatever? The thing? And who are these humans, huh buddy? A team of 12 LexCorp agents? That’s fucked up!

Ugghhh, this sucks. “I should have never brought Lois,” Superman thinks to himself, because, obviously, bringing a human woman to Antarctica was a great plan until now, eh? “Too many unknown factors…”

Time to start shaming the robot. “Why didn’t you intercept the scavengers?” Superman asks rather crossly. And you don’t want to make him cross, oh no. “My instructions are to observe and report phenomena associated with the anomaly…” Ned says simply. Take that, smartypants, ya idiot. Observe and report, that’s it. That’s all. And here’s a little bonus punch for you, Spandex Man: the phenomena associated with the anomaly has started up again! Rumble rumble!

Superman freaks out and scrambles and flops and works on trying to get Lois out of there before–

K-K-KRZAAAK RRRRRRRMMMMM!! That’s the Earth splitting open again, shooting up geysers of acrid Hellsmoke into everyone’s faces. Lois is scared! Superman is trying to figure some shit out, so pipe down, lady! “The phenomena flared when I came for Kelex, and when the LexCorp team trespassed. Human presence must somehow agitate the anomaly!”

Double bonehead move for bringing Lois along, huh? Side note: I don’t know who/what Kelex is exactly, or why Clark needs him/her/it to “keep tabs on the fortress”, or why it’s human enough to cause geophysical disturbances in Antarctica, or if the previous 94 issues of Superman: Man of Steel would help answer those questions. I don’t know ANY of that! And I’m happy enough with my ignorance at this time.

Anyway, here’s another image:

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95

Who did you just call your “bloated perversion of your birthing matrix”, pal? Go fuck yourself, this marriage is over.

This “bloated perversion of Superman’s birthing matrix” appears as a large ball of orange energy with various rocky-looking demon parts attempting to jut themselves out of it. Just these toothy, eyeless, horrible screeching creatures. I’m told that these creatures existed as part of Krypton’s prehistoric past, so they’re like Kryptonian dinosaurs! And they look like they haven’t eaten in 150 million years! Superman frantically struggles to hold one at bay while keeping Lois safe from Kryptonian dinosaurs and geophysical anomalies and weird sentry robots and Antarctic chills! Why, oh why, did Lois want to come?? She’s so stupid! Arrrghh!

“Super Robot! Get Lois Lane to safe– –OOOF!”

Super Robot works on getting Lois to safeooof even though such a command makes no sense!
The dinosaur pins Superman to the ground while Lois shouts Clark’s name over and over again like that’ll help. The robot flies her out of there. Many more dinosaurs attempt to make short work of Kal-El the Mighty!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95

You think Lois couldn’t hold her own against these jerks? Come on, let her have a chance.

Superman calls all this shit “madness”, but that’s not a good word to describe what’s going on here. There seems to be a “method” to this “madness”.

“They must be– they are the children of the creator of the fortress!” he declares. I was going along with him for a moment there, but now he’s lost me again. Children of the creator of the fortress? These dinosaur bitches? Ugh. Fine.

“They are the work of the Eradicator! That ancient Kryptonian survival program JUST– WON’T– DIE!” Superman grunts, catching us all up on the immortality of the, what was it now, the “Eradicator”. My nickname in college.

Good thing this Superman fellow is literally made out of steel, as I understand it. He’s not going to die right here and right now! This Eradicator comrade, he is working toward rebuilding the fortress, possibly even Krypton itself, by using the birthing matrix to recreate Krypton’s primeval life. Did you get all that? It sounds convoluted, but hey, the Eradicator is nothing if not convoluted! I mean, motivated.

These bitches are tough! Kryptonian creatures get their strength from the Earth’s yellow sun, and they’re no exception! Oh god, does Superman wish they were the exception!

Now seems to be a stellar opportunity for some birthing matrix-related flashbackin’. It’s not like Superman is currently very busy. Let’s see, blah blah blah blah blah. Jor-El, Superman’s dad, he broke the rules by not “staying removed from his bride”. And he and Lara learned that “ancient hatreds” were killing the planet, they launched their only son into the vast emptiness of space for fun.

“SNAP OUT OF IT CLARK,” Clark says to himself, snapping out of it, “FOCUS! These things are pure aggression.”

It’s been very fun reading Superman fight these losers for 475 pages, but now it’s getting old and I’m getting tired and also vice-versa. These stupid dinosaurs have been running your life for too long, Kal-El old boy! Fight fire with fire!

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95

Oh my! A blatant, obvious show stopper is in our midst? Good timing, sir, the comic book is almost over!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the fiendish reptiles become easier to beat and Superman wonders why. And then he doesn’t wonder why anymore, because he figures it out! “These are animals designed for prehistoric Krypton’s hellish climate! The further they move from the tremendous heat generated by the matrix and into the polar cold, the more their biological systems slow down!”

Cool, man, so you could’ve just flown home? I understand now.

But no, it wouldn’t be Superman if he just flew home! He has to do something super! If that means “altering environmental conditions”, then by god, he’ll alter environmental conditions! It’s like pressing a button on a microwave, beep boop all done.

He creates a clockwise rotation in the atmosphere, which creates a micro-front of pressure in the southern hemisphere and overcomes the hot air radiating from the matrix. Duh. It worked! It’s too cold and the dinosaurs are crying! Huzzah! They’re retreating from whence they came! Double huzzah!

No time to party yet. Especially not in a manner that is hearty. These creatures weren’t generated out of nothing! “Somehow the Eradicator program– the original architect of the fortress…has twisted my birthing matrix to create…KRYPTON ON EARTH!” Superman declares!

I’m…uh, I think he already said this kind of thing multiple times? Why does he keep saying this information over and over again? Does Mark Schultz think his readers can’t remember what they just read three pages ago? Does Superman even know he’s just talking to himself? Does Superman know that Robot Superman is boning Lois right now as we speak??

Anyway, the bottom line here is that “the fortress is willing itself back into existence”, and that’s not at all something that we can withstand! We won’t tolerate this nonsense! Superman’s gonna burn this motherfucker into oblivion with his Hot Eyeballs. “Melt it into slag and seal it over!” ZZZZ-TOOM! That oughta do it.

Certainly not a permanent solution, but it will buy him time until he thinks of a better plan!

(He won’t. He won’t at all. He’ll forget this ever happened in the first place. The next issue will concentrate on Superman’s cuckoo clock that keeps revealing his secret identity at the stroke of every hour while Jimmy Olsen repeatedly tries jerking off in their dining room.)

Superman: The Man of Steel (Vol. 1), Issue #95

Directive #1: The Superbathroom needs more Supertoilet paper! Directive #2: The SuperFord Focus is upside-down in a ditch again!

Superman flies to the cold rock where Lois is waiting with her very talkative friend. “You’ve destroyed all the remains of your birthworld…” she laments, sobbing into Superman’s puffy muscles, but then the ground starts shaking again! MORE ACTIVITY FROM THE GHOST FORTRESS! They have to get out of here! This place sucks!

Super Robot has standing orders to keep on watching and, this time, fucking do something about it if someone is intruding! I mean, does that really have to be said out loud? Don’t fail or else Superman will smack you with a wrench until every nut and bolt in your body flings out into the ionosphere.

Lois is scrambling to understand! Please explain everything to her again! *groooaann*

“It’s about survival, Lois. The survival of the evil, intolerant spirit of Krypton…or survival of the Earth…they cannot coexist. The Fortress of Solitude, and the culture it preserves, has repeatedly proven to be a threat to my adopted planet. The Fortress must never be resurrected, Lois. All traces must be…ERADICATED.”

Pretty dumb stuff. And it’s not even over yet! It’s not even fucking over!

The last couple of pages show a meeting where an unseen individual is presenting a new invention to the mayor and a couple of high-ranking police officers. A steel suit! Fully integrated armor and weaponry! Encephalo-sensitive command and response! Flexible land, air, and sea mobility! There’s also a chamber near the crotch that cooks pasta for you in only four minutes! It will revolutionize the way you do…whatchamacallit…police work.

Gotta be non-lethal, though! We don’t want any killings. Just maimings, please.

“Commissioner, I look forward to working with the special crimes unit,” the man says, shaking hands.

“John Henry Irons, on behalf of the entire police department, welcome to Metropolis!”

Final Thoughts

Bloated! Comic books are for kids! What’s with all these talks of pressure micro-fronts and encephalo-sensitivity! I’m nine-years-old and I can barely read!


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Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 6

Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 6 – “Manipulation”

* Part 6 of 7 of Vol. 1 – “Boredom” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 6: “Manipulation”! In the previous installment, Ryuuku spends a lot of time flapping his spiky-toothed gums about the overwrought Shinigami rules for Death Noting, including stuff like a human being sucks but a Shinigami is awesome. They know people’s names just by looking at their faces. They get to siphon some extra years from their victims to add to their own lifespans.

Humans can get some of dem Shinigami powers too! It just costs half the rest of their lives, that’s all. Then they can get some Shinigami Eyes. Raito’s gonna do it because he’s an idiot. And now he’s going to start killing people just by looking at them. Probably.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 6
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“Manipulation”

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 6

Raito mulls this over. The whole “cut my life in half and go on a rampage” notion.

“Ryuuku, this deal…” starts Raito, and Ryuuku’s reaction is all “!”. It’s all “!”. He does a “!”.
“…is out of the question.”

Welp, that settles that! Let’s go hit the hot tub!

“I’m supposed to create a utopia without any criminals, and as God of this utopia, I have to maintain my reign for a long time,” concludes Raito Almighty. So, no shortening of lifespans. CLEARLY, Ryuuku should have already known this about him! I predict that he really will seek to lengthen his lifespan at this time. Fingale some Shinigami life-sucking powers somehow. And then he’ll turn Ryuuku into a human and kill him for even suggesting the lifespan-shortening proposal. Good god, man.

Ryuuku was just being forthcoming, is all! Don’t come crying to him later when you need to know L’s name and kill him quicker than you can find your little Jerkoff Book. Just remember, “we can make the deal at any time, as long as you own the Death Note.”

Cool, fine, cool, cool. What’s next on the agenda? We need to plant tomatoes, and– WAIT A MINUTE! IF THIS IS SO IMPORTANT, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME WHEN EVER FIRST MET? Huh? Huh? Well? Do you speak English? Do you speak English? Answer me.

Ryuuku stares at this fucking psycho. He just can’t believe he’ll brazenly question and berate a Shinigami without a second thought. Amazing. Wonderful. He knew he liked this little sprat.

Arms folded, Raito continues staring the God of Hot Topic down. “Is there nothing else to tell me, Shinigami Ryuuku?”

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 6

Nice going, Mr. Omniscience. Mr. Know-Nothing.

BrrRRRtt! Better answer correctly. Boss is gonna be irritated if he finds out you withheld other information up to this point! Here’s hoping there are no more Shinigami Laws of the Land!

Luckily, Ryuuku told him everything! …he thinks. That’s too bad, though! Raito was hoping for some bitchin’ wings. If you could get some cool Shinigami wings, you could soar through the air like a godly dumbass albatross!

Ryuuku is like “BUUHHH, WHAT ABOUT THE POLICE?!”, and Raito’s like “you’re an idiot”.

“But you know what? If I did make those deals, I’d end up becoming a Shinigami just like you,” the kid muses. I’m not sure where he gleaned the idea that making these deals would turn him into an actual Shinigami. I missed that part. I heard the part about cutting his worthless life in half. I heard that part.

“There’s nothing to worry about there,” says Ryuuku, puckering up for a little ass-kissin’, “Raito, you’re already… A FINE SHINIGAMI!” Pfft, calm down. Say it, don’t spray it, and whatnot.

Funnily enough, the kid considers this an insult. I mean, from what he’s heard, Shinigami are a bunch of do-nothing trashy bums. Layabouts. Deadbeats with their faccid dicks in their hands! “Don’t compare me to the Shinigami. I’m using the Death Note as a human, and for humans!”

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 6

Good idea, Sparky. Those guys sure are worth your time and effort.

Raito cracks open his rag and studies the instructions that are inexplicably written within it. A “description” of the Death Note. Like, this thing was invented and there’s this whole how-to-use section like you can buy a bunch of them at Target. Anyway, Raito figures out how he can get the name of the guy who’s been following him for the last couple of days. So he can crush him like a gnat in his tender little fist. He checks the time: not even 6pm. And tomorrow’s Saturday! Perfect! Sounds like Raito is gonna pull an all-nighter here. Maybe it’s gonna be a big creepy seance with pentagrams and goat’s blood and spiky wide-eyed gods with studded belts.

…or not. The time and the fact that tomorrow is Saturday are INCONSEQUENTIAL to the next events. “If you write the reason of death, you will have an additional six minutes and forty seconds to write the specific details of death,” he recites from the book, “First I have to test how ‘specific’ these details can be.”

Luckily, Raito amassed a collection of convicted felons he can test this kind of shit out on. A bunch of arsonists and murderers and embezzlers and anime fans. It’s like baseball cards that double as voodoo dolls. Collect them all! Stick them with pins!

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 6

I gots me the Shirami Misaaki rookie card! “Burning down of family housing”. He’s an up-and-comer for sure.

He intends to make the guy following him think he’s squeaky clean and uninvolved. It sounds like he’s going to finagle himself an alibi while being watched to throw off the scent.

Raito’s father, Mr. Director of MURDER CRIME INVESTIGATIONS, gets a call on the official Murder Crime phone. SIX more heart attacks have been reported, and something funny is going on! THREE of them did something before dying!

The first guy, he goes by the name Shirami Misaaki. You may know him as Mr. Cuddly Arson Man, he drew a pentagram on the wall of his cell.

This other guy, Yadanaka something or other. Yadanaka Papadopolous McGillis. He wrote a dang suicide note! A cryptic message referencing Kira the Killer! Whoa baby, this is some juicy stuff.

This third guy, “Yoda”. From jail, he escaped. Collapsed in the bathroom, he did.

Watari wastes no time relaying this info to his butt buddy L. Even L is slightly unnerved by the strange behavior of these three suckers right before they ate it, but he takes a logical step back and QUICKLY SURMISES that, since Kira can control the time of death, then he can also manipulate his victims’ actions before their deaths as well. He decides this within three panels. So that was anticlimactic.

L gets Mr. Director on the horn right away! Don’t say anything other than “died of heart failure”! It sounds like Kira is testing some new waters here! Over and out! *bzzzt* *glub*

“Toying with people’s lives? I will not allow it!” says the Director, and I shall remind all of you that this stuffed shirt is Raito’s dad. He’s going to send Kira to bed without his dinner.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 6

Ryuuku is always just chilling in Raito’s room like he’s a bored little brother.

Raito hacks into Director Dad’s database and sees the fruits of his labor already uploaded into the system. It worked! Everything he jotted down had happened right down to the last minute detail. Some real bonkers shit. It’s like, after all these chapters we still can’t believe everything the Death Note does! It’s the gift that keeps on giving!

So we heard details about the first three of the six heart attack deaths. What about the other three? Raito tried some impossible ideas, such as “die at 6:00pm in front of the Eiffel Tower” and “draw a picture of L’s face” and “write ‘I know L distrusts the police’”. The first two are obvious. Raito explains them to Ryuuku because Ryuuku is a moron, but YOU, loyal reader, I know I don’t have to insult your intelligence! The third one, as Raito explains it, supposes that the victim is unable to write anything about thoughts he’d never have about someone he doesn’t know about in the first place. Those three jailbirds just died of simple heart attacks with no strange circumstances accompanying the deaths.

So the Death Note isn’t as completely batshit magical as one would hope. Oh well. Guess we have to stay constrained to reality then. Like sitting ducks.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 6

I’m beginning to suspect that this Ryuuku cat has some really fucked up brain damage.

These six victims, though, that was just a warm-up. Here comes the really fun one! “The next test will decide everything. The outcome of this test in the morning will be enough. L and the police won’t see this one at first,” Raito mutters as picks his mark and jots down some notes.

“And even L will never discover my true purpose,” he adds, snickering to himself like a mongoose-faced snake in the grass! He’s going to fabricate some nonsense words and drawings for the victim to draft up, leading the police on a wild goose chase based on something completely meaningless!

L, meanwhile, pores over the suicide note in an attempt to pinpoint Kira’s reason for experimenting with the victims in this manner. The fake suicide note is just a bunch of purple prose that projects the dead guy’s alleged fear of Kira. “Definitely for Kira I am just…literally a prey.” Thanks, literally a broken English translation.

While inspecting the note, L spots something curious in the corner…

The next morning, Raito comes down for breakfast uncharacteristically early for a Saturday morning. That’s because the little masturbator wants to check the newspaper to see what’s what. He grabs the paper and sneaks back into his room with it.

“And the result?” Ryuuku eagerly asks, practically bouncing up and down in his 40-buckle goth boots. The victim was a convenience store robber who was stabbed with his own knife by the clerk. It was caught on the security camera, and ruled as self-defense.

“This Death Note is incredible,” Raito says in awe, “for my directions to be carried out in such detail!” You can see his chicken scratch in the book laying out the details: death from blood loss, stabbed at 1:30am by his own knife in a convenience store, yada yada yada. I don’t have to tell you again.

Raito is 100% sure he’s going to be tailed again today, so he sets up one more trap to further throw these investigators off. He’s going to use a guy he saw on the news last night who attempted bank robbery and ended up killing a teller and a customer, then he fled before the cops showed up.

“Nine o’clock…a bit early, but it should be fine. Let’s try a few people,” Raito flips open his 2003 cell phone. It probably has Snake on it. That was a fun game.
“Try a few people?” ponders a bewildered Ryuuku. His smile doesn’t even look that smiley.
“You know I’m pretty popular with the ladies, Ryuuku,” grins Raito. I don’t believe that for a goddamn second, kid. This 17-year-old still pulls pigtails of the girls he sits behind in class.

His phone call wakes up some girl in her bed. We don’t know who she is. We don’t know why he’s calling her. And that’s the end.

Final Thoughts

Man, I really want to see the police face-fuck this kid. Are we supposed to be cheering him on? He’s so smarmy and cocksure. Makes me want to write his stupid name down in a notebook of sorts!


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