Monster (2003)

Tagline:
The first female serial killer of America.

Wide Release Date:
December 24, 2003

Directed by:
Patty Jenkins
Written by:
Patty Jenkins
Produced by:
Donald Kushner, Brad Wyman, Charlize Theron, Mark Damon, Clark Peterson

Starring:
Charlize Theron
Christina Ricci
Bruce Dern

Monster

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I have a lame claim-to-fame connection to Aileen Wuornos! She went to the same high school I did. Granted, I think she went to about seventeen high schools in four years and she likely never graduated from any of them, let alone five of them, let alone seventeen of them. But hey, a claim-to-fame is a claim-to-fame! I was also childhood friends with Olympic gold medalist figure skater Charlie White, but who gives a shit about that? We’re talking about serial killers here!

Wuornos was executed when I was a sophomore in high school, and I remember there was a lot of discussion about it floating through the hallways at the time. Our monthly high school magazine had a feature that covered her life and her imprisonment, and I found everything about it fascinating. Not fascinating enough, obviously to watch this movie when it came out. I’m fixing that now almost 20 years later, so rise up off my nuts.


THE 550(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Monster presents the progression of Aileen Wuoros (Charlize Theron) as she goes from suicidal prostitute to homicidal prostitute! This is 1989 in podunk Florida, so there’s a lot of shitty haircuts and people who look like they haven’t showered in months.

Aileen, or “Lee”, as she’s called throughout the film, angrily hoots and hollers in a gay bar and attracts the attention of probably barely-18 Selby Wall (Christina Ricci). They get to know each other throughout the night, bonding over, like, monster trucks and Rolling Rock or whatever. They bond, and Selby invites Lee to spend the night at her aunt’s place where she’s staying after getting kicked out of her parents’ house. They share a twin-size bed. The wall behind them looks like a high school hallway.

Monster - Lee and Selby share a dang ol' bed

I bet you’ve never slept in a real twin size bed before, huh?

All this creepy infatuation leads to a roller rink outing and then some back alley smoochin’! Lee seems like a real person with real emotional range and not at all a cold sociopath. She seems to care about Selby.

HOWEVER, Lee has a plan to hit the road and get a legitimate job and she begs Selby to tag along with her to start a new life. The job hunt doesn’t go very well, and broke as fuck, she settles back into her prostitution habit. A dude tries rape her, so she kills him in self-defense. A horrified Lee confesses to Selby, who is already embarking on a structureless nightmare spearheaded by the most unstable woman in Florida. Instead of bailing, which would be way smarter since Selby has been frustrated and unhappy with Lee’s failures as a breadwinner, she continues hanging on to this loser and getting strung along.

Lee starts methodically killing and robbing her clients to maintain financial stability. She gets more unhinged as the movie goes on, justifying her actions by claiming that every single client was trying to rape her. Lee even crashes the car into a friendly, elderly couple’s lawn with Selby in the passenger seat and they have to run away. It’s pretty chaotic and stressful.

To showcase an instance of empathy, Lee takes frustrated pity and spares the life of a real sad-sack of a man who gets nervous and cries because he’s never had sex before. In another instance, a man stops by her on the highway not to take advantage of her less-than-sultry prostitution-related services, but to offer her genuine help. When he notices her gun, he tries to weasel out of the interaction completely. In an act of self-preservation, Lee feels she is left no choice but to get him out of the car and shoot him, against the bearing of what seems to be her real moral compass.

Selby starts connecting the dots on Lee’s murderer murders from the daily newspapers. After a confrontation, Selby fucks on out of her life. Later, in a biker bar, Lee is confronted by two bounty hunters. Her only friend in the world, Thomas (Bruce Dern), tries to get her to leave the bar with him. Not trusting men anymore, Lee declines. She gets arrested. Selby gives her up during a tapped call and testifies against her in Lee’s trial. Lee gets shoved off to the Pokey.

Monster - Lee has some dang ol' blood on her

Just a little blood, right? No reason to get all traumatized about it!


TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Humanization

Like all good movies dealing with unpleasant societal subject matter, morality isn’t delivered in black or white. I’ve read opinions that Charlize Theron’s performance is one of the best in all of cinema (with respect to portraying a real person), and although I haven’t REFINED MY APPRECIATION OF ACTORS AND ACTRESSES ACTING to the point where I can’t really tell the difference between great acting and so-bad-it’s-great acting, Theron’s acting is pretty good here! How’s that for taking a stance?

And yes, absolutely, the point of this narrative is to give you mixed feelings about Lee. Even at her worst, she’s never actually detached from reality or emotionally unresponsive. In fact, she’s pretty volatile in her emotions, usually flipping between panic and anger. The most heart-breaking scene was near the end when a man stopped on the road to offer help. He noticed the gun, and Lee decided there was no other choice but to kill him. You could tell that she hated that she had to do it, but she was too far-gone by then in her complete lack of trust in men that she couldn’t fathom an alternative.

Plus, her care for Selby is genuine, but that’s likely only because Selby is the only person in her life that cared for her first.

Monster - Lee gets dang ol' jealous

“Carnivals are fun! See? Can’t you tell I’m havin’ fun?”

TOPIC 2 — Christina Ricci’s Acting

I’ve seen opinionated mutterings around the ol’ World Wide Web that Christina Ricci’s acting was pretty poor. Roger Ebert disagreed; he considered Ricci’s performance “sublime acting in its portrayal of a bad actor”. That’s a funny, roundabout way of admitting that her acting was bad!

Personally, I side with Ebert. Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way first: any acting would look subpar if you were paired up with Charlize Theron in one of her best performances in her career. That being said, I don’t have a problem with Ricci’s acting. It would be distracting if it were a problem. What I saw was a very young, naïve woman with a pile of social awkwardness and a slight shame with respect to her sexuality. She spends a lot of time trusting Lee even after it became obvious she surely shouldn’t have. Her attempts to join an already-established lesbian social circle is met with overt scorn, and she barely noticed. Her dependence on Lee, who also had no idea how to move forward with any plan, was very childlike. In short, she was pretending to be something she wasn’t: confidence and independent. And she wasn’t selling it. Selby was a bad actor, not Ricci.

You can watch the movie and decide for yourself, but I know women like Selby Wall and Ricci pretty much nailed it.

Monster - Lee and Selby share a dang ol' kiss

Kissin’ in the dark. That’s the stuff right there.


IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Aileen Wuornos, a notoriously uncooperative person, gave writer and director Patty Jenkins access to hundreds of letters she had written and received in order to gain insight into Aileen’s life.
The notorious uncooperative serial killer probably cooperated because she was imagining this movie would finally show her in the positive light she thought she deserved. You know. A movie titled “Monster“.

Charlize Theron won the Academy Award for playing Aileen Wuornos on 29th February 2004, Wuornos’ birthday.
No one was happier for Theron than Wuornos herself, smiling up to her from Hell. Also, February 29 isn’t a real day! Don’t try to pull a fast one on my like that again, IMDb.

Steve Perry, former lead singer of the band Journey, was the music consultant.
lol, why? “Hey, we need some classic rock for this ’80s-era biographical film. Better get Steve Perry on the horn to help us!” No wonder “Don’t Stop Believing”, the worst song ever, was included in this movie’s soundtrack.

Reese Witherspoon campaigned for the lead role.
“Campaigned” makes it sound like Witherspoon assembled a team, threw a ton of money at organizing travel, rallies, and advertising, and lost a vote. Good thing she has killing the planet with NFTs to fall back on these days.

Charlize Theron gained between 20 and 30 pounds and shaved her eyebrows to play Aileen Wuornos. Christina Ricci also gained 20 pounds for the role and both actresses dressed in very un-glamourous clothing.
Wouldn’t it be funny if both Theron and Ricci looked absolutely physically stunning and dressed to the nines while playing a serial killing prostitute and her trashy friend in bumfuck Florida? It’s almost as if that wouldn’t work at all! Good thing there’s this little movie quirk called “acting”.

Monster - Lee smokes a dang ol' cigarette

“Let’s go, Selby! The monster truck show is right ’round the street!”


IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes, absolutely. Period piece dramas always hold up well as long as the production, direction, and writing are competently executed. No pun intended. Monster does a spectacular job of humanizing a serial killer while maintaining all the moral grey areas.

And you’ll see Charlize Theron at her best, no question.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22 – “Reflections of…”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Legacy storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22 – “Reflections of…”! Hot off the heels of Brian Michael Bendis’ All New X-Men, I was itching for more of his Ultimate Spider-Man run. So here we are.

In the previous story arc, Doc Ock wakes up from his coma and discovers his stupid robot arms. He’s pretty mad about it! He seeks justice against Justin Hammer, a Southern businessman who owns facilities rife with human experimentation laboratories.

Hammer gets scared into a heart attack and dies, so that takes care of that. Doc Ock gets taken down by Spider-Man in front of dozens of journalists and TV reporters, which allows Spider-Man to finally give his two cents on live television about his intentions and motives for superheroing around the city.

Oh yeah, there was a Steve Irwin-type TV personality named Kraven the Hunter who vowed to kill Spider-Man on his show to boost ratings. That didn’t pan out whatsoever. It was inconsequential.

I, for one, am excited about another storyline from one of the better comic series that I’m currently tackling. You don’t seem as excited. But this isn’t about you, now is it? It never was.


Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22 [July, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Reflections of…”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22

The cover tells me this is the return of the Green Goblin. Willem Tha Foe. All hail his greenliness and his goblinness.

It’s just another typical today on the streets of Queens. A bunch of people walking around, looking angry, like always.

We don’t waste any time! A group of street toughs come barrelling down the sidewalk on their rude skateboards and inline skates! They’re wearing delinquent clothes, like sweatshirts, sunglasses, and pants with no belts!

“All right, TAKE ‘EM! TAKE ‘EM ALL!” yells the one with the Scott Summers Cyclops visor, the the four coed thugs begin tazing innocent civilians and steal their various cash-holding accessories!

“I hope you get cancer– you should only get cancer!!” shouts a rather hysterical hot dog vendor. Cyclops Boy only smiles! He smiles at the threats of cancer!

OK, we’re done here! Gooey webs spring up all around them, stopping these ruffians in their tracks. “I can’t believe I had to get out of line at Taco Bell…for this?” swoops in the spindly Spider-Man as he makes short work of these ne’er-do-wells. The ne’er do well, do they? Ne’er e’er.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22

I wouldn’t say no, of course. I am, as you kids say, a man grown.

One of the girls tries to hit Spidey with her taser, but he shoots his web goo at it and it causes the thing to shock her instead. Tables turned! This is fun!

“Do you guys know I fight guys with morphing metal arms and actual electric power? I’m A-list, baby,” taunts the spidery one. He finishes taking out these subpar bush league rent-a-hoodlums and dusts his hands off. “If you expect to be taken seriously by guys like me… you’re really gonna have to work on your presentation.”

The adoring public smiles passively at the hero. After a lucious full-page crotch shot, the hallmark of the male superhero, Spider-Man takes his leave and heads to high school where he spends his day eating his boogers and staring at girls’ shoes.

Class is already in session. Dr. Science Professor in his pristine lab coat is going to talk about moles. Not the blind dirt diggers, and not the Russian spies. Definitely not the cancerous growths like the ones wished upon by the hot dog man! It’s the boring chemistry one. Look, I don’t have to explain it. You all went to high school, right? Or maybe you didn’t! Maybe you’re still 12. That seems about the right demographic for my inane blog.

Peter Parker sprints to class while this teaching nerd rattles off the Wikipedia article he memorized that morning. And just before the teacher tries to get someone in the room to wake up and answer “Avogadro’s number”, Parker crashes into the classroom. He breaks beakers, he topples test tubes, he flummoxes flasks! Smooth move, Ex-Lax! Up your nose with a rubber hose!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22

Way to Kramer your way into class, young Peter Parker! Giddy-up!

Mr. Science asks him WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS TARDINESS?? He fell asleep! Next? What is 6.02 x 1023 called? Parker answers it correctly. Whew! That was close!

After school, Mary “MJ” Jane “Marijuana Weed” “Kirsten Dunst” Watson gushes about Spider-Man’s live television fights with Doc Ock and Kraven the Hunter. Parker tells her to cork it while they’re in public.

“Did you hear what happened to that Kraven the Hunter?” MJ smiles, “They cancelled his TV show… they put it on ‘indefinite hiatus’– and I have an uncle who’s a P.A. at NBC and he says that’s French for ‘Sayonara, sailor.’”

Yeah, and Parker has an uncle who works at Nintendo. Just kidding! His uncle is dead!

MJ keeps going on and on about how much of a boner she got watching Spider-Man on TV. She wants to whisk him away to a corner of the school to smooch his peen, but another time. They instead head to the bleachers to watch football practice for some reason. Sounds like a dumb thing to do after school to me. Go home and play Gamecube.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22

She said I can’t go out and be Spider-Man for at least three weeks!

The thing about the Doc Ock fight, it was all the way in New Jersey and it took Parker forever to get home. He had to sneak in at 3am. It didn’t work. Aunt May flipped her lid and now he’s grounded. The pits, right? That’s what he said. He was like “this is total pits, Aunt May!”

MJ looks pretty sad and pitiful about Parker’s Predicament! “Can I come over then? We’ll just hang out at your place,” she nudges. Ha, yeah right! Aunt May thinking we’re kissin’ genitals? No thanks. “You are the entire foundation of the grounding,” he says. No more nookie for you two. Start using the shower head like a normal teenager, MJ. Parker’ll hump his toilet seat. It’ll be fine, they’ll get by.

Also, this Spider-Man thing will take a time out, too. “Guess I’ll just catch up on my reading and keep making boo boo kitty faces at Aunt May until she gives in,” Parker says, inscrutably.

Boo boo kitty, huh?

The thing that really sucks? Parker hasn’t been grounded since he was seven years old! Usually Uncle Ben would calm May down. Now she has NO ONE to calm her down! She’s all riled up constantly! Stupid dead husband. Wish I was dead.

He doesn’t like lying to his aunt, but he can’t tell the truth either. And any attempts to fix will just be more lies. She’ll never trust him again. Oh man.

MJ says fuck that old lady. She’s coming over anyway!

“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“I’ll sneak over.”
“No.”
“Seriously?”
“Not if you ever want to see me again.”
“I can’t sneak over?”
“No.”

Never anger the redhead, idiot. “You can have your whole super secret hero thing, and I can’t come over?” she snipes. Why does she even bother? This kid is full of bad decisions.

“Guess we’ll just have to make out under the bleachers during school then,” she smiles devilishly. Parker’s eyes perk up! The bleachers! Of course! Aunt May doesn’t own the bleachers!

Something happens next that makes the two of them completely forget about snogging under the bleachers. You would think it would be a nuclear bomb going off. You wouldn’t think there could be anything else that would accomplish that.

What really happens doesn’t seem that important to me, though! Who cares!

Harry Osborn is back.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22

Yo! I’m outta the joint! Let’s go rob somethin’!

Parker and MJ are all like “what are ya doin’ here?!” and Harry is all like “this is where I go to school”. Very coy. We’ve been worried sick, young man. We haven’t seen you in like, fifteen issues! Tom was barely even reading any comics back then!

Look, Harry isn’t ready to talk about it. A lot of shit went down, that’s all you need to know right now. Goblin father, burned-down house…it’s some real grim shit, yo.

“Well lookie lookie. Harry Osborn back from the dead,” says the approaching bowl-cut extraordinaire Flash Thompson. Harry shoots him an icy glare. “Flash,” he says. Icily.

You know what, Flash? All this time, both Peter Parker and MJ wrote and called and emailed and texted and Facebooked and Zoomed and what did you do? Sit on your own penis? Thanks, buddy.

“I thought about it. I just didn’t get to–” Flash starts flailing and sweating and gibbering, but Harry wants to hear NONE OF IT! NUNAVUT! So now is Harry “James Franco” Osborn ditching the freaks and joining the geeks now? Is that how it is?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22

Look, man, in 2022 we’re ready for the Harry Osborn / Flash Thompson relationship comics. I’d read the shit out of that!

So Harry starts throwing some homophobic jokes in Flash’s direction to prove, indeed, that Franco’s joining the geeks. Everyone around starts ganging up on Flash, saying that he sucks dicks and stuff. He doesn’t like that. “Allsyalls can kiss my backside!”

Flash storms away. Gwen Stacy, having included herself in the little gangbang, gets all close and cozy with Harry. Her reputation precedes her. They haven’t met yet, but he knows who she is. He heard allllll about her already in the principal’s office. Knowing that the principal is bandying about her name like that makes her day.

So yeah, it’s cool that Harry Osborn is back and all. Sure. That guy is brimming with personality.

“Peter, listen, my father wants you to come over for dinner tonight.”

Oh, your dead father? Sounds great, I’ll just wear my fanciest boutonniere and wait what was that?

Remember when Harry didn’t want to talk about anything, like, a page ago? Well, he doesn’t mind now. Talking about his mom dying in the fire. He saw her die! Crazy stuff. All burned up to a crisp like a Thanksgiving turkey! You know, a turkey from someone who sucks at Thanksgiving. But he had a lot of time to, you know, collapse in a nervous breakdown and stuff. But everything’s better now! Seriously! COME TO DINNER!

“But that thing that attacked our school– you said it–” HA! HA HA! STOP RIGHT THERE! Not Harry’s dad! Not at all! Hahahaha!! He must’ve been already taking those CRAAAAZY pills, wooooo!!! Listen, Harry’s fine! Norman is fine! FINE, GODDAMNIT!! Now come to dinner before his dad beats him again.

Peter Pisspants Parker is grounded. He can’t eat dinner with anybody anymore. Some other time then. Harry’s going to have to go home and hide all the belts.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22

“Harry’s Dad knows I’m Spider-Man. He knows!!” screams the kid bouncing around the fucking city in broad daylight Spider-Man-style.

Man, it just keeps happening. Everyone knows your secret identity, kid. Perhaps someone else needs to kick you in the butt again to throw off the scent.

He tells himself to not worry just yet. Maybe the Osborns had nothing to do with the whole goblin thing! Maybe Norman just wants a friendly dinner with some high school kid. I mean, freaks are everywhere anyway. And Norman is the ticket to getting some questions answered, to boot! He knows Parker got bit by that spider, maybe he can help him!

Pfft.

Parker backpedals now and considers himself nuts for even entertaining the idea that Norman Osborn isn’t a complete piece of shit. Just like everyone else! Especially that bitch Aunt May, grounding him, taking away his Game Boy! Unfair.

Seems strange, too, that Harry and Norman show up immediately after the Doc Ock thing falls apart. Very suspicious. “A big, happy family!! Which is, like, the total opposite of what they were last time I saw them. Nahh– this is crap. Big crap.”

So that settles it! Never seeing Norman Osborn again! Maybe he can murder Harry and then he’ll really be free.

“I just want to go to school and be Spider-Man when I want and go to a good college,” Parker muses, wanting only the simple things in life. Plus MJ and her sex organs.

Too bad this kid isn’t in the clear. A limousine is parked outside his house. Inside, a younger woman of the exact same height and build as Aunt May is making herself at home. “Mr. Parker, I’m Ms. Brooke, Mr. Osborn’s personal assistant. A pleasure to meet you,” she says, extending her hand.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22

Listen to the spicy, young, elven woman, dear.

Aunt May is beaming. Parker didn’t tell her the Osborns were back in town. What a joy! OF COURSE you can go over there for dinner! They sent a limo!

But he’s grounded! Nope, special dispensation for this one. Go have fun, now. Limousine! Bye bye!

They’re on their way to downtown Manhattan. Ms. Brooke is calm and polite. Peter Parker is trembling and farting his pants. And, soon enough, they arrive at the Osborn’s rich residence building. Probably in Trump Tower. Buttheads.

“I think for the next week we’ll just park a limo outside your house till your aunt forgets you’re grounded,” says Harry, greeting him at the entrance to the building. He’s all smiles; it’s very foreboding. They get in the elevator.

“I can’t believe you and Mary Jane are an item.”
“Who told you that?”
“Mary– I just talked to her for, like, an hour.”
“She’s here?”
“No. Phone. Good lord, is she in love with you.”

Parker gapes. Still likely farting his pants. He forgets all about how scared he is of the Big Bad Norman Osborn and presses Harry for more info about this. And yes, she pretty much said that in those words.

Harry wants to double date. They, he and Gwen Stacy! *growl* That psychopath really melts Harry’s butter. Really sets him aflame! Sets him aflame and kills his mom.

Nine hours later, the elevator reaches the top floor penthouse of the 950,000 floor skyscraper. Harry has to finish his session with his therapist, so he’ll smell you later. Ms. Brooke is a fine conversationalist! Say hi to my dad! Bye! *leaps out window*

So Harry ditches Parker, and he looks sheepish and nervous about it. Ms. Brooke takes Parker to a giant set of double doors that lead into Norman Osborn’s…ahem…private office. *knowing wink*

Parker’s internal monologue runs a mile a minute. Should he run? Does it matter? Norman can’t do anything here, there are too many witnesses. Wow, MJ is in love with him?! Wow! Maybe he should tell Aunt May that he’s Spider-Man. Are those cherry cordials? *munch* OK, fine, let’s face the music.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22

Hey, who’s that cute drink of water on TV?

He enters the dimly-lit office, which contains floor-to-ceiling windows, a large built-in aquarium with swimming sharks, and a TV tuned to Norman Osborn’s favorite channel: Spidey+

He watches, frozen in horror, at footage of his fight with Dr. Otto Octavius Octopussy. “HAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!” bellows the hearty Norman Osborn! Hale and healthy, this man, with his giant boat neck t-shirt showing off his sexy collarbone. “I’ve watched this clip so many times this weekend, I thought I was going to burn a hole in my TiVo.”

Ha, TiVo.

“So, you got it out of your system, I hope?” Norman asks pleasantly while playing footage of the infamous spider bite incident. “This Spider-Man crap. You’re done.”

Oooookaaaay, time to go…

But no, Parker stays rooted to his spot. He asks what’s going on and how is Norman alive right now? Here’s what’s going on, son: Norman Osborn owns you. You got bit by a spider in one of his labs. You’re his responsibility, and your days of cavorting around town in your tight-fitting package-accentuating jammies are over. It’s embarrassing.

“As for how I’m alive,” Norman says, pulling out a giant syringe filled with orange liquid, “…I’ve evolved.” Then he jams the syringe needle in his own neck and administers the liquid.

Oooookaaaay, time to go…

But no, Parker stands transfixed.

“OK, watch this, the little scientist in you is gonna get goosebumps,” readies Norman. Oh boy! He starts grunting and thumping his chest like he’s having a goddamn heart attack, but what really happens is he starts Hulking out. Turning green. Serious shit. He gets fifteen kinds of goblined-out!

“Now, what was your question?” the Green Goblin asks, eyes shimmering with orange light. Shirtless and glowing. Shiny. Incredible.

Final Thoughts

Yo, bonus page! “JAY LENO & SPIDER-MAN: ONE NIGHT ONLY (DON’T FORGET TO TIP YOUR WAITRESS)” Part One!

J. Jonah Jameson has an assignment for Peter Parker! General Motors, one of the Daily Bugle’s biggest advertisers, is shooting a commercial downtown! And they’re going to shoot it with Jay Leno! And don’t ask Jameson why, but Jay Leno wants to shoot it with Spider-Man! And since you’re sooooo fucking good at finding Spider-Man, he wants YOU to find Spider-Man and then coax him into doing anything Jay Leno wants! OR ELSE!

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22

Better do what Newspaper Hitler asks!

Gulp! What a pickle! How is Peter Parker going to talk Spider-Man into THIS?! TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE! *wacky banjo music*

Calvin and Hobbes – January, 1986

Welcome to January, 1986! The Superbowl XX halftime show on January 26th would be the last featuring Up With People nerds. The Challenger disaster on January 28th would claim the lives of seven astronauts and NOT Ronald Reagan. Something about Uganda happened too.

New year, new beginnings! Calvin partakes in plenty of snow-related shenanigans ahead of the spring season! We see an extended arc where Calvin tries to sabotage Susie’s note passing. Oh, the adventures will have today!

Calvin is a cunt hair away from a spanking on New Year’s Day! Let’s observe:

Calvin and Hobbes - January 1, 1986

January 1, 1986 – New Year off to a rocky start there, sonny!

If Calvin’s New Year’s resolutions involved not making Dad uncomfortable, then he already blew it! Perhaps Dad is an absolute stick-in-the-mud prude from the seventh circle of Hell itself, but if my almost-six year old asked me this question I’d be ROFLing on the floor LMAOing my ass off! I certainly wouldn’t have reacted however he did, which was, at best, stick-in-the-mud prudish.

I really wish I knew what Dad said to Calvin here. Maybe I underestimated him? Maybe he answered with “GOOD QUESTION, SON. NOW YOU MADE ME SAD BECAUSE I WOULD CERTAINLY PREFER A HAREM OVER YOUR MOTHER, WHO WEARS WAY TOO MANY CLOTHES ALL THE TIME,” followed by a frown. Always followed by a frown.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 5, 1986

January 5, 1986 – If looks could kill, Panel 5 would raze an entire civilization.

CHUNK.

My favorite part about this colorful Sunday strip is that Susie Derkins has the ability to lift Calvin up right over her head. If that doesn’t stir a six-year-old’s crush right into a full-blown infatuated obsession, I don’t know what will.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 9, 1986

January 9, 1986 – Sexually frustrated Hobbes may never get his smooch on.

And that Amazon Woman sexual frustration comes out four days later through a little trademark Hobbes horniness! A precursor to the Get Rid Of Slimy GirlS club, Calvin and Hobbes don their gay apparel (newspaper hats) and pursue endeavors of pillagin’ and rapin’ and taking over Captain Phillips’ ship!

The only thing on Hobbes mind, betraying his fake enthusiasm in Panel 1, is his desire to tongue-wrestle with members of the female camp instead of channeling his inner Somali pirate. Time and time again, Hobbes disappoints Calvin with amazing consistency!

Calvin and Hobbes - January 14, 1986

January 14, 1986 – Bang! Zoom! You’re going to the moon, Susie!

Shortly after Calvin gets CHUNKed into a snowball, he becomes bitter and resentful over Susie’s power over him. Tables are turning! He plots his fiendish revenge, which involves nothing more than reading all the notes that Susie passes during class.

You would think Susie gets the last laugh here, but you’re wrong. Obviously, with his handsome fists, Calvin pummels Susie within an inch of her life as he knocks her teeth out. One at a time. It’s such a gruesome display of maniacal mayhem that even Bill Watterson refused to actually print the strip! First of all, he used way too much red ink. Second of all, he wanted to have it blown up and hanging in his living room instead.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 17, 1986

January 17, 1986 – Mr. Spittle is gonna hit the sauce pretty hard tonight.

Meh. By the end of the week, Calvin and Susie got their asses booted to the principal’s office. They fear for the ultimate 1986 school punishment: the spanking! Surely the whole student body knows of Mr. Spittle’s legendary spanking paddle! 6Al-4V titanium for extra strength, durability, and forceful swinging. Nine holes drilled for aerodynamic efficiency and dramatically reduced air resistance. A nice, cushioned rubber foam handle for ergonomic comfort. Yes, yes. And a giant fucking four-inch spike glued to it.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 1, 1986

January 23, 1986 – Mom’s exasperated expression in Panel 3 is one of my favorites.

You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull a fast one on ol’ Mom over here. Don’t you know that Calvin’s mom double majored in astronomy/particle physics and child behavior psychology, with a minor in sociology? Three dissertations, three, covering the influence of paddled spankings with respect to child development?

And now she’s a bitter stay-at-home mom while Dad schleps over every day to work as a patent attorney in his smelly butthole office. He brings home $38,000 per year while Mom spends her evenings secretly removing Hobbes from Calvin’s bed and punting him around the house for hours.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 26, 1986

January 26, 1986 – As usual, Spaceman Spiff has seen better days.

I’m on Mom’s side with this one. My oldest daughter is almost six years old and she’s a goddamned tornado. She wakes up at 6am and goes to bed at 10:30pm, and she spends every waking hour turning my couch into a pile of fluff and kindling.

Like Calvin, she has an imagination that I could have only dreamed of having when I was that age (if I was even imaginative enough to consider dreaming of having an imagination). She has seahorse parties with a slew of stuffed animals who are obviously not seahorses. That’s how off the deep end she is.

Spaceman Spiff appears to be the most incompetent space man since 30 Rock‘s Dr. Spaceman. That much is certain.

Calvin and Hobbes - January 30, 1986

January 30, 1986 – The Wrath of Moe

Moe ain’t got no eyeballs.

Moe will pop in occasionally throughout the entire Calvin and Hobbes run, displaying his complete inability to speak entirely in capital letters like every single other character in the comic strip! That’s how you know he’s dumb.

“UH OH. HERE COMES MOE. THE CLASS BULLY!” Who hasn’t said this from time to time?

OK, I’m out of things to say now.

East of West, Issue #21 – “This Great City”

* Part 6 of 14 of the The Apocalypse: Year Two storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #21 – “This Great City”! In the previous installment, the Union keeps sending diplomats to gain an audience with the Endless Nation, and they keep getting dismembered and sent back to the White Tower in boxes! Enough of this! So LeVay decides to send Lux.

The Endless Nation brings home a couple of Maoists, which the Chief welcomes with open arms. They are, after all, both “relocated people”! Then Lux shows up to be diplomatic, and that fails. She starts getting her ass kicked and bloodied up real good. One Maoist then insists that they stop, that she is also one of them, that she is also a “relocated people”!

More to Lux than meets the eye, it seems. Obviously. Or less!


East of West, Issue #21 [October, 2015]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“This Great City”

East of West, Issue #21

You hear nothing because you don’t know what to listen for.

We pick up right where we left off, kind of: Lux isn’t beat up and bloody anymore, and she’s fucking the Maoist. “You have a choice to me,” the Maoist starts his dirty talk, “Let us use you– and have a purpose… or refuse– and have none.”

*penetration*

Obviously the Prophecy, the Word, the Message, the Almanac, the Whatever, brought her to this place for a reason. Better start making the most of it.

Flashback to the diplomatic meeting that was held at the Wall. All the nations’ leaders were there. You may remember when that actually happened? It didn’t go well.

There’s another point of view here, though. I don’t remember if there was any TAP TAP TAPping going on last time, but here we see Lux and the Maoist communicating with each other in Morse code while the “adults” do their talking.

“Can we talk?” taps out The Maoist.
“No,” taps out The Lux, “they will be listening – watching.”

Xiaolian is making her case for war. Yada yada yada.

“You have orders,” taps out Maoist.
“From the new Mao?” taps out Lux.
“Yes,” taps out Maoist, “she wants conflict. Discord. War.”

Only one out of three on the names of the Horsemen, but we can study and take a retest. They’re not Conflict and Discord. Maybe they’re some cousins that no one wants to talk about. (!)

“I have a bomb,” taps out Lux.
“Is that why the old man smells like you?” taps out Maoist, referring to Peter Graves, a representative of the Union.
“Yes, I had my hand inside him earlier,” taps out Lux.

Gross. Anyway, we all know what happens next.

East of West, Issue #21

Yum! Dinner is served, everyone!

So, yes, when this happened in Issue #12, everyone thought Xiaolian made this happen after LeVay called her an “impetuous child”, and when the Representative-Go-Boom happened, Lux was the only one smiling. And she was the only one who knew that Xiaolian didn’t do it. IT WAS ALL RIGHT THERE! NINE ISSUES AGO! What the fuck, Jonathan Hickman? I don’t want any planning in my comic book plots! That’s not allowed!

In the Room of Nudity, Maoist and Lux embrace each other. “If you can protect me… I’ll do whatever you want,” she says. All sorts of nude. Some incredible nudeness. I’m not putting the image here, though! Buy the comic!

You hear everything and it reduces you to nothing.

Council members of the Endless Nation Board of Making-People-Do-What-We-Say have a meeting in their Situation Room, in which an entire wall shows footage of the Maoist and Lux fucking profusely. “Look at them!” snarls a leader of the council. Presumably. He’s gritting his teeth the hardest and that’s all I have to go off of at the moment.

“Look at what?” asks a councilwoman, “I see a loyalist. An amoral statist whose only ethos is the ‘greater good’. We’ve seen this before. It’s predictable. To be expected.”

Seen what, pray tell? A penis going in and out of a vagina on Earth’s largest TV screen? Because that’s what we’re all seeing here, lady! Watch! *rewinds tape* SEE??!? *rewinds tape* *rewinds tape* *rewinds tape*

East of West, Issue #21

I’m so mad… so fucking mad… my Endless Nation safety goggles are fogging up!

This guy, Bodaway, he is FLABBERGASTED that the rest of the room can’t see this for what it is. A big charade! Political theater! A minstrel show of biblical proportions!

“Speak for yourself, brother. All I see is an agent turning an asset. If the PRA are our allies, how can this be a bad thing?” pipes in Councilwoman of the Council of the Cool Council Kids.

Her name is Niteesh. WELL, Niteesh, it’s unwise to dismiss any suspicions when it comes to the House of Mao. Did you SEE what Xiaolian did to her sister and father? Well, I didn’t, but SOMEONE did!

A councilman shares Bodaway’s concerns, albeit less enraged. He slumps. “All of this feels like a mistake.”

Mr. Shaman agrees too, especially since everything is statistically unpredictable right now. Just a 500-gallon balloon filled with shit and no one knows where it’s going to land.

Niteesh stands her ground. This is the Endless Nation’s own doing. They wasted all their resources infiltrating Texas and hacking Ted Cruz III into tiny little pieces and for what exactly? Needing to rely on an alliance with the House of Mao to survive? Pish posh! What’s really different right now than it was when the alliance was agreed upon by, oh I don’t know, the entire council? Huh? Checkmate, Bitchcakes.

East of West, Issue #21

“Ack!” indeed, Cathy.

“EVERYTHING!” screams Mr. Snarls. The House of Mao could be in cahoots with the Union, you don’t know. Nobody knows! Being completely batshit paranoid is the only answer right now!

*rewinds tape*

Everyone stares at this guy. The consensus is “fuck you, we have to move forward with what we have been given, no turning back now, join or get out or die or live or whatever, who cares”.

Sounds like all this technology has clouded everyone’s minds. Everyone is deaf to the reality of the world. The hums and dins of robots and machines and food processors. What happened to our roots? OUR ROOTS! “Have you forgotten even this, Narsimha?” Bodaway bellows.

I don’t think I’ve ever named the Chief of the Endless Nation before. His name is Narsimha!

“We’ve known each other thirty years, Bodaway… Have I ever struck you as a man whose feet touch the ground?”

Why, yes, he supposes that thought has crossed his mind once or twice over the last 10,000+ days. However, as it seems, the answer is yes? Is that right?? Sir??

Next we see Narsimha traverse the desolate wastelands of Heetse’isi’ on his super-powered rocket car and into the Sea of Bones. The Sea of Bones is empty today, my friends, and Narsimha is less than pleased. “Hrmpt. Either show yourself, or I’ll summon you… I have the blood for it.”

East of West, Issue #21

Well, that’s not very nice. I thought we were buds.

No one needs summoning. Narsimha finds the creepy weirdo amongst the Bones. He says creepy weird things to him, like “come with us to the other side so you talk to any spirit you damn well wish any time you want, mortal”. He didn’t say that, but I did! There’s another creepy weirdo behind him.

Narsimha hits something on the side of his rocket car with his boot and it retracts some legs! Up on his high horse now! The creepy weirdos cannot reach him, and they are subsequently incinerated by Narsimha’s crazy…horse. Sorry.

A job well done! Narsimha relaxes with a cigarette and sleeps on his horse like Snoopy sleeps on his doghouse. While he dozes under the night sky, an entity named Nihnootheit approaches with his large muscles and his bird-like skull head to have a chat with the Chief.

Nihnootheit congratulates the Chief on making his appearance in the Sea of Bones during a full moon. Shit gets really nuts under full moons for sure. What bravery.

East of West, Issue #21

Your putrescence is ravishing. Let me guess… is that Giorgio Armani Beauty Acqua Di Gio Pour Homme??

“You…” Narsimha sniffs, “You’re wearing Cheveyo’s skin. Is my brother dead?” Hey, Chief, don’t you read any of the comics? Cheveyo got exploded in Issue #10! That was a while ago! Keep up.

Well, he’s sort of dead. Not entirely dead. He’s haunting houses and men from Texas these days. He was a smart man. Unlike you, Chiefy. You don’t even have a thimbleful of the kind of wisdom your bro had. That’s why your mom and dad liked him better! Also you’re adopted. And also your birth mother was a crack addict. And, also, so were you. Until you were 23. Anyway, bro was smart enough to remain on the earthly plane in some fashion. And quite dashingly, I might add.

So, Chief, where’s your wisdom, huh? Did you leave it at home, doofus? “Have your troubles finally put an end to you betraying your blood? Are you finally willing to pay for the things you need?”

Meh. No. The Endless Nation did everything on their own without the need for spiritual magicks and cosmic doodads!

“Huaarrk! Huaarrkk!” Nihnoocompoop chokes back what I can only assume is either laughter or a chicken bone, “Spoken like a boy who thinks every tomorrow is assured. What if I told you we looked into that tomorrow and saw your city fallen? What if I told you it could be saved with one simple tribute?”

Well hot dog, sir, you drive a hard bargain. We can see how that pans out later if none of us forget it between now and–

One day later, the Endless Nation council headed by Chief Snarly tells Lux to go home. She’s done here. Toodle-oo and whatnot. “Go home, Lux. Return there with our blessing. Go back to your Union. Go back with good news for President LeVay. A truce, hard fought for with a great many concessions.”

Lux shuffles away looking quite dejected.

East of West, Issue #21

Tell her I said “hi”. I’d love to get her recipe for snickerdoodles.

She is instructed to act loyal until the day the White Tower falls, and the Union along with it! A glorious day for the Endless Nation! Here’s your problem, Luxy: you should’ve called your little nation the Endless Union! That’s where you all done fucked up.

Lux and Maoist tap out their sad goodbyes:

“Be safe sister.”
“Will I see you again?”
“I will come for you. No matter what.”

Oh, he’ll come for her, all right. Right on the sheets.

Final Thoughts

Lux is going to stab LeVay right in the face with a rusty tent peg. She’s going to trick her into going camping, then STAB.

Taking advantage of LeVay’s love of camping. Is nothing sacred?

Sucky Funnies for September 18, 2022

I took a couple weekends off from this because a) September 4 – I was throwing up, and b) September 11 – I was crying about some troops.

But I’m back with SEETHING HOT VENGENCE! Let’s start by taking down Public Enemy #1: She Who Must Not Be Named.

Cathy.


Cathy

Cathy - September 18, 202

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Fuck this lady! Making me read all these words? Why I outta…

FALL FASHION 2000. Today’s Cathy is a regular blast from the past. The way past. Like, 260 months ago. “A celebration of womanhood and the body part of the millennium” is a horrible panel to subject us all to, but I’m extremely happy that the next seven panels aren’t a discussion of Cathy’s morose vagina. Instead, it’s a commentary (?) on celebrity women who are having kids and not afraid to show it!

And this scares the nose right off of Cathy’s face! HUGE CLOTHES INTENDED FOR PREGNANT WOMEN? One big fat joke. That’s pretty misogynistic of you, Cathy Guisewite. I hope you continue to rot in your plus-size casket.


Rex Morgan, M.D.

Rex Morgan, M.D. - September 18, 202

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This is the longest instance of pure, uncontaminated “Who-Gives-a-Fuck” I’ve ever seen in the comics page. What IS all this? Is there anybody, anybody at all, who cares that this old bag died? I don’t want to hear about Hank Harwood and his old fuck buddy. While I do think it’s hilarious that the Harwoods went to the funeral in the same clothes that they wore to the diner the first time AND the second time, I don’t understand why anything here is in my goddamned newspaper. I’m so angry I could throw a brick at my own face right now.

I hope Jr.’s plane crashes right into Sr.’s crotch. I don’t see Rex OR Morgan in this comic strip. I hate America.


Family Circus

Zits - September 18, 2022

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Just call in sick, Walt. I shave my face with a rusty Swiss army knife corkscrew every single day and I’ve never had three Band-Aids on the right side of my face. Maybe your own dad never taught you how to shave properly, and now you’re going to blame your shortcomings and childhood abuse on your smelly teenage son? Great parenting. No wonder he’s going to be on the pole in a couple of years.

Next time, take a real chainsaw to your neck. Your family will laugh and LAUGH!


Mallard Fillmore

Mallard Fillmore, September 18, 2022

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I have nothing to say about this that’s funnier than this description of Mallard Fillmore I found:

“Mallard Fillmore lampoons everything from political correctness to Phil, Oprah, and Geraldo to our government’s insatiable appetite for spending our money.”

Oh no, not Phil! Is nothing sacred?!

I haven’t been keeping up with the Trump news. For all I know, he stuck his head in the oven three days ago to try to lick dried gravy off the grate. Let’s we what the greatest political minds on the Internet have to say right now about the current political climate in America.

SATX2CCFL:The liberal donor-class was shaken to its core this week when they saw their first non-white, non-Obama person walking the streets of Martha’s Vineyard not carrying a can of Pledge and a dust rag or a leaf blower. Yes, they mostly spotted them through the cameras on their security gates, but they called the police almost as fast as they called their friends at MSBNC.

The guy with a username ripped right off of a license plate has something to say about… something? I guess. Is this about Ron DeSantis and his decision to send illegal immigrants to scare the rich white people. And, if I’m not mistaken, this is exactly what would scare rich white people of ALL political positions! Pot calling the kettle a pot! Feel free to use that one, because it doesn’t even make sense in this context either. I know this now.

pianoguy24:NYC fires another 850 teachers and aides for not having the Vax by Sept 5th. Bringing the total to 1,950 fired so far by the Department of Education.
This isn’t about helping prevent a disease anymore, which the Vax doesn’t do. They’re being fired because they won’t obey stupid rules.

Are we absolutely still talking about this in 2022? Maybe we should leave the medicine to the medical doctors and not to the piano guys of the Internet!

On Comics Kingdom, pianoguy24 has an avatar of a Star Trek insignia. Are none of these conservatives aware that Star Trek’s premise is entirely about daily life in a communist utopia? How are they missing that one?

William Osborne:A few years ago, while watching our oldest daughter sit there at the dining room table staring at her phone, I went into the next room and texted her “Hi…are you going to join us for dinner?” No repeat of that day.

READ THE ROOM, WILLIAM. DO YOU SEE ANYONE ELSE HERE DISCUSSING THE ACTUAL COMIC STRIP? THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE YOU POST BRIETBART NEWS ARTICLES THAT SHOW DOCTORED PHOTOS OF BIDEN LAUNCHING MOON-DESTROYING NANOBOTS INTO THE IONOSPHERE WITH HIS THREE-INCH ERECT PENIS.

I’m tired of reading what people have to say. It’s a good thing I’m not people.